Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > how do you handle first long distance dates?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 pamsfl
Joined: 8/14/2009
Msg: 3
how do you handle first long distance dates? Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I would maturely discuss the fact that there may indeed not be great chemistry, and promise to be honest with each other after the first night. If there are no sparks to say, you can still have a good time as friends. Plan a couple simple activities, as well as some time he might be able to go out on his own. If you got along to this point and you are both mature and realistic, you can still have a nice visit and part as good friends.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 4
how do you handle first long distance dates?
Posted: 6/28/2010 5:42:35 PM
If they are going to be in my area for some other reason and they want to make plans to meet quick while they are here, that's cool - as a fun thing to do with no real solid direction.

If I have to actually entertain them while they are here and/or they are here specifically to meet me (and that means they live more than 30 minutes away) it's too intense, and I don't really do overly intense first meets. I like it to be light, casual and something we can both easily squash should we not want to continue it. Once you know you're not really a match it can be hard for one or both of you to keep on hanging out if one is stuck somewhere far from home.

But even if it does turn into a mutual interest, from there in my case it'd be hard to maintain any type of consistency beyond it without a lot of driving and overnight sleepovers (or hotel room renting), so I tend not to consider it in the first place.
 SteveinHP
Joined: 8/12/2008
Msg: 7
how do you handle first long distance dates?
Posted: 6/28/2010 6:34:44 PM
All depends on who you meet.

I met a woman 1000 miles away. Not on POF, or a dating site. Actually was from Facebook.

We decided to meet in Boston, she even paid for my tickets. That was bonus. She arranged it so we would both change planes in Atlanta. Well, it was instant attraction, right from the get go.

We wished Boston never ended.

I went down to Florida to see her in April. SHe is planning end of month. We get along great, and definitely have that feeling for each other.

Only thing keeping us apart is the kids factor. I do not want to move far from my kids and neither does she.

So we keep in touch and visit occasionally...


Sometimes life just sucks.
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 9
how do you handle first long distance dates?
Posted: 6/28/2010 8:16:24 PM
A big variable would be how long a distance it is. If I drive 2 hours (which I have done), I would expect more time than a 30 minute coffee date, but not more than one evening.

Long distance takes planning. I think the thing to do is to clearly communicate that an evening together is what you're planning (assuming the date goes well), and no more than that. If it doesn't go well, you're not obligated to spend more time with someone than what you're comfortable with. Those are the risks one takes when meeting anyone, even if it's long distance.

If meeting someone involves airline tickets, they live too far away for my tastes. I wouldn't get involved with someone who lives that far away.


I agree with this philosophy---I don't normally date anyone more than a two-hour drive from me unless they're a private pilot and are willing to fly to my city, or they already have plans to come to my city on business, or have friends/family here.

If a date doesn't pan out, a two-hour drive home is tolerable, but any more than that could be a big hassle.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 10
view profile
History
how do you handle first long distance dates?
Posted: 6/28/2010 8:17:50 PM
seems like the lesson here is not to attempt anything with men who don't live close by, op. saves you the discomfort of such a circumstance in the future, and saves them the time, expense and effort.
 HappyLibra70
Joined: 5/17/2009
Msg: 11
how do you handle first long distance dates?
Posted: 6/28/2010 9:22:47 PM
Sheesh! You could have avoided the situation if you had only thought about such complications, and before you agreed to his visit, but no instead you created all this discomfort just so you can come here and complain about it! Wow just to think that you are how old? Oh yeah a 49 year old teenager.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 12
view profile
History
how do you handle first long distance dates?
Posted: 6/28/2010 10:13:20 PM
^^ unfair criticism unless she proposed the circumstances of the meet and/or misled him about the chances they would hit it off.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 19
how do you handle first long distance dates?
Posted: 6/29/2010 6:01:55 AM

First rule of a date flying in to meet is.
Discourage them from just coming to town to see you.
I live in a popular tourist area so thats easy.

Make sure they get a hotel in an interesting part of the area that has things to do.
Let them know up front you will not be on call 24/7 to entertain.

You do have other obligations.They don't include him.

It's a 50/50 chance this guy is NOT your type at all.
Have some activities suggested he can do to enjoy your town/area when you are not available.

Be clear up front..
Do not go to his hotel nor take him to your home or work.

Have some tickets/coupons to a play, movie.,golf club or restaurant..Something in an envelope.
Just say I'm sorry I can't see you today/right now and hope you can make use of these if
you don't click.

Been there.If you don't like him he has been forewarned you have things to do that don't include him.


I do not encourage visits where men want to fly in unless they love historic towns and only expect lunch or dinner if they decide to see the area.

LOVE this! Thanks PP - I totally agree with all of this.

Wow....most of my dates are typically OVER 30 mins away. LOL Usually 45 to an hour....that's the "perks" of living in the suburbs I suppose.

If I ever do meet someone 30 mins or less drive from me, it's a rather rare treat.

I live in a small state, so here 30 mins or more is a drive. Our main city is Providence (which I live in) and all suburbs are about 15-30 mins from there. Anyone living 40-60 mins away doesn't drive into the city unless they plan to make a day of it - that's just the mentality here. We live about 45 minutes from Boston, Mass and don't get there but once a year (or less). Too far. lol

10-20 minutes is perfect. Far enough away to have space and prevent them from using distance as an excuse to stay over, but close enough to get together on the fly.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 20
how do you handle first long distance dates?
Posted: 6/29/2010 11:37:12 AM

But you will be stuck at the hotel that you've already paid and plane ticket.

Entertain yourself. You're an adult. Even if she does like you, you're still staying in a hotel and buying plane fare - what's the difference?
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 21
how do you handle first long distance dates?
Posted: 6/29/2010 12:51:39 PM
Got a 500 dollars Plane ticket From where you live to vancouver and book a hotel for 400 dollars to go see a man who meet you for 10 minutes and leave because he's not attracted to you

I'd only fly to Vancouver (or wherever) and pay plane fare and hotel if I was going there for another reason, and meet this guy for a half hour or so WHILE I was there. If I had no reason to be in Vancouver - I wouldn't travel there just to meet some dude that I can't date anyway because he's not local.

Or drive 40 minutes to meet him ?

If I am driving 40 minutes away for some other reason and there's a guy that lives out there who I can meet while I am in the area - I won't drive 40 minutes JUST to meet some guy.

So in both cases, he can stay 10 minutes or 30 - since he's a pit stop on the way to whatever I'm really doing there, it's all good.

There must be SOMETHING else you can do while meeting someone in an area you're not familliar with. Google the city, find tourist spots, good restaurants, points of interest and entertainment while you're there - get something out of the trip. Would you really sit in a hotel, meet someone for an hour or so and go back to the hotel and sit? Like I said even if she likes you should she have to entertain you during your whole trip? You should be able to entertain yourself.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 23
how do you handle first long distance dates?
Posted: 6/29/2010 4:59:11 PM

Well, we're not discussing about going somewhere for other reason it's about driving or flying to meet someone who doesn't live close. If you're talking to someone who lives 30 , 40 minutes from you and waiting to meet him only if you 're going there to shop, visit etc.. women like you should date men who live only 5 or 10 minutes from them or their neighbors so they wont have to worry about meeting only if they plan on visiting, shopping, etc....

I know. That's what I do...but you asked, so I answered your question. I posted earlier that I don't tend to bother if it's over a 30 minute drive UNLESS there's something else going on. I can't imagine spending $close to 1000 to fly to meet someone I may not like without any other plans in that area and nothing to fall back on. No I don't do that, but if I did, I'd have a backup plan - you can make an interesting trip out of it so you don't feel like you wasted your time. If you're going to sulk over plane fare and a hotel room if the person you're meeting isn't into you or isn't your type - perhaps you're going about things the wrong way? Just a thought.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 26
how do you handle first long distance dates?
Posted: 6/29/2010 6:30:04 PM

how have other people here handled first long distance meets?
and what if you know on the first day that you are not going to be interested, but your date has a 3 day visit planned? Help!!! (help now if you can....:) )

Long ago, when I was actually excited about meeting/dating, there were a number of long-distance situations which required travel. I know what you mean about it being draining and I suppose I was lucky, in that none of those particular men (in my life) bored me, tired me out, nor were they anything less than people I wanted to spent lots of time with and not one of them ended with the first trip being the last. I don't know how one would handle it if boredom or whatever set in. Simply being honest would be my guess. Explain how you feel and see what happens from there. I no longer entertain distance for various reasons, but when I did, I did try to make certain there would be little to no room for error with those I was meeting (tons of email/phone/IM time and LOADS of pics sent back and forth.) Good luck to ya! JMO
 The Ogre of POF
Joined: 6/5/2010
Msg: 27
how do you handle first long distance dates?
Posted: 6/30/2010 8:50:13 AM
Now I've done the long distance dates before and had good fortune with them. The trick is to set the boundaries and expectations and go from there.

1. Do not ever allow the lady to do the traveling for the first meet/date. It's just rude.
2. Get your own plane, rental car & hotel. Don't make her the chauffer for the weekend.
3. Check ahead of time the area and what there might be to do. This means if it doesn't go well you can still have a great time on your own.
4. Don't expect anything more out of it than a coffee meet so to say. It's a first meet and you should treat it as such. Just a couple dollars more than a traditional first meet.

Once you've met if the chemistry and such is there and you want to conitnue it then the two of you can talk about that later. Don't talk about it on the first date, it just adds pressure that doesn't need to be there.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 30
how do you handle first long distance dates?
Posted: 6/30/2010 4:10:57 PM

this will be my Final comment to this post. OGRE of POF-- is a TOTAL gentleman/Man (last of the mohicans). no, i'm not trying to hook-up with you but this man is the only person who has made TRUE Sense. but , again, i don't think people or women should do those out of country or hundreds of miles dating. too dangerous !!

Too dangerous? You think because you are two blocks from home you are safe? What if said mystery man watches you enter said establishment, does NOT go in. You have NO clue what said man looks like in person (you are meeting a stranger from the net and with PhotoShop and fake pics, you really do NOT know til you are looking at him in person) and after 20 minutes, you assume you've been stood up. You leave in your own car, under a veil of a sense of security, because after all, you've done it right. Said stranger follows you, in your car, with your license plates on them (easy enough to run through MOST motor vehicle departments if one is crafty) and you go home, wondering what happened to Mr. Net and why he didn't show for coffee. Guess what? He now has enough personal info, including the make/model/year of your car, plate info and your address and?? He's seen you in person. And this is safer than taking a plane, renting an anonymous vehicle, staying in a hotel booked by you and requested to be "private" with no information given to anyone??? Really??? I staunchly disagree. No matter what procedures you have in place for your own self, this type of meeting has risks, just like meeting someone in a club, library, grocery store, Dr. offices, or anywhere else. The same whack-jobs in the offline world are very likely the same whack-jobs logging into any dating site, much like the same great people who do both each and every day (i.e.: people in the online world are the people in the off-line world.) JMO
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 31
view profile
History
how do you handle first long distance dates?
Posted: 7/4/2010 7:39:53 AM
I'm very late to this discussion, and a lot of good information has already been discussed.
I only want to add/point out that the biggest danger I would see in such very long distance meets, is that the expectations of one or both will be raised BY the amount of distance and expense involved. The guy who wanted to kiss in the parking lot upon first meeting is a good example. Someone could easily get the idea that because they went to such expense to get together, that the other person will feel obligated to go further with them than they would in a more local, casual situation. the same psychology can work both ways. The person who did NOT travel might feel obligated to go further with the person than they would have for a local meet.
So it's very important to clear one's mind of such thoughts before going into the situation. As someone said very well, regardless of the cost of the travel, it really is JUST another ten-dollar meet and greet, when it comes down to it. Watch out that the distance involved neither raises, nor lowers your expectations of yourself, or of the other person. Don't let fantasies or fears influence the situation, if you can possibly do so.
 The Ogre of POF
Joined: 6/5/2010
Msg: 32
how do you handle first long distance dates?
Posted: 7/4/2010 2:05:47 PM
For the ones who say a person traveling considerable distance expects something, I personally do not. An example:

I've gone 2 hours away to Columbus and had a meet, we went for a walk and even grabbed a bite to eat. In the end, it ended with a hug and a goodbye. I was not feeling it and I'm pretty sure she wasn't either. But I met a great person whom I'm friends with.

Another one, that some of the longer term members here may even remember, I went all the way to Austin Texas, booked a hotel, got a rental car and went out to explore the city on my own. We met for dinner when she got off work, talked for a few hours and then met up each evening to go have a great time. In the end, I spent close to two grand on that meet and those 2 dates with all expenses involved. What did I expect? Exactly what I got. I met an amazing woman, far more attractive than her pictures, for more intelligent than I am and a wonderful friend that I'm thrilled to have to this day. Was there a kiss? Nope. Was there sex? Nope. While we are great friends there just wasn't a spark. It happens and it's no big deal. But I do have two great friends that I've met and I'm thrilled to have them.

Now when I go out on dates, these ladies know me and they often will smack me upside the head when they look at a profile of someone I'm thinking of going out with, other times they'll e-mail me a profile that I should look at. They know me, they know what I like and they know what I hate. So, would I do it again? Hell yeah I would. Would I expect anything more than I've gotten in the past? Hell no, how could I? I've got some really amazing friends that I'd never even think of risking sleeping with. Look at what I'd of lost if I had tried.

In the end, take the chance and do the long distance meet. You might find true love, you might find a true friend and worst comes to worst, you just might find neither and still have a great mini-vacation in a town you wouldn't of visited otherwise.
 Padawan61
Joined: 3/1/2008
Msg: 35
view profile
History
how do you handle first long distance dates?
Posted: 7/7/2010 12:13:52 AM
You didn't say how long you've been talking to the LD dude before agreeing to the date. Is this the first meeting?? If so ... yeah ... many red flags!!

secluded beach

it would be better if i stayed at the lake

cook a gormet meal for me AND

try one of his martinis

Until you really know this guy ... ingesting his cooking or martinis should be out of the question ... unless you keep an eye on the preparation. If you know what I mean.

i want to feel trusting. but is that a red flag or what.?

Your inner voice is telling you to proceed with caution.

i am thinking of giving up on long distance dates

Yup ... they're not worth the hassle. Surely there must be more than one local guy who isn't too busy traveling for his job.
 Padawan61
Joined: 3/1/2008
Msg: 38
view profile
History
how do you handle first long distance dates?
Posted: 7/10/2010 1:57:23 PM
There's no need to turn away a potential person over safety fears. Simply be cautious and see it from a common sense point of view ... not paranoia.

Glad to hear you took precautions and everything worked out on your date. Hopefully ... this LD guy will be a better companion than the "busy with his job" dude.
 Padawan61
Joined: 3/1/2008
Msg: 40
view profile
History
how do you handle first long distance dates?
Posted: 7/11/2010 9:50:03 PM
Did the mutual friend know about the marital status of the "busy with his job" dude?? If they did ... I find it odd that the "friend" would try to set you up with him ... knowing your "deal breakers".
 charlie_girl_2
Joined: 1/2/2010
Msg: 41
how do you handle first long distance dates?
Posted: 7/12/2010 2:22:35 AM
I've answered this question in a previous forum thread and my feelings haven't changed.

Very long-distance, the kind that requires a plane trip does not appeal to me. Tried it a while back, basically commuted (taking turns) back and forth from Florida to Washington, D.C., with neither of us in a position (career-wise) to make the move. Great romance, but after about a year, it fizzled due to too much traveling and too many times of not being together -- a romance where no spontaneity could really take place and it ended as it began -- good but not quite good enough. We remained friends for a long time afterward but never saw each other again.

As far as driving time to meet, for me that would be no more than 2-3 hours one-way. I never expect the man to drive the entire way nor would I drive the entire way to see him... exception to that would be the Tampa area as that is my home and I go there often. I fully agree that it is rare for two to be sure about each other until they do meet and if in order to do that, means a couple hours on the road, then both should be willing to make that half-way. I feel that is only fair. Then if the meeting goes well and that chemistry we all want happens (yes, rare for it to be mutual) between the two, then continue to meet half-way for a few more dates and if it becomes exclusive, then two can be creative about getting together from then on.

Charlie_girl

 ForRumOnly
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 42
view profile
History
how do you handle first long distance dates?
Posted: 7/12/2010 9:27:22 AM
Long distance dating is difficult, but IF you meet the right person, it is worth every inconvenience and sacrifice it takes to be together. I'd only date long distance if there was a realistic prospect of getting together (one of us relocating) in the not-too-distant future if things really worked out.

I've had a few long-distance relationships. The one that did work out - where I eventually moved to be with her - is still going wonderfully after more than 1o years. Of course, she lived "only" a two hour drive away. Difficult, but manageable. We met the first time in between. Second date, I went to visit her, and third, she came to visit me. After a year of dating, and working out a telecommuting arrangement in the meantime, I moved and we got a house together.

I had another situation that nearly worked out. That was an 8000 mile international commute that took over 20 hours each way. We had few dates, but they each lasted weeks. The first time we met she was visiting friends here, so we met for lunch with her friends, after we'd emailed, IM'd, and phoned for 6 months before meeting. We decided that if we felt comfortable during the lunch meeting, we'd go off alone for a week-long vacation. It all went beautifully, and several months later we had a second date where I visited her for three weeks. That also went very well, but we discovered some things that made it nearly impossible to make it work out, so we sadly said good-bye. It was well worth the effort, though, and it would have been a great relationship if we'd been able to resolve the obstacles.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 44
how do you handle first long distance dates?
Posted: 7/12/2010 6:53:06 PM
OPie, the thing is there never *are* guarantees ~~ even if you meet them locally. (As you found out.) Time is free.

My first try at long distance meets was in the 70's. It was an interesting two weeks on Mt. Tamalpais with a very interesting guy. But it wasn't a take. That was a six thousand mile round trip. Nope. Don't regret it.

Did better more recently (2004) when I met someone I'd been blogging with for a year and private email for another six months. That was only a four hundred plus mile trip, and part of it was the China Bus. Our first date was 10 days, our second five weeks, and by fall we were living together. Lasted till he died, and was with no doubt at all the best relationship of my life.

Take your time. That more than anything else. Again: it's free.

 Padawan61
Joined: 3/1/2008
Msg: 45
view profile
History
how do you handle first long distance dates?
Posted: 7/13/2010 12:19:36 AM
kailania ... Sometimes a friend's best intentions don't always work out as they had hoped. Whether the "busy job" dude calls his wife an "ex" or not, he's still married to her until they divorce ... no matter how he/she rationalizes their circumstances.

he got a bit upset. saying that his situation is really different

"Really different??" That's the rationalization I'm talking about. If he's trying to "romance" you ... how many other women is he "romancing" at the same time?? Difficult to tell. Unless he's also informed you that he's dating others.

Is it considered cheating if they both consent to having such an open marriage?? I believe only they can answer that one. A normal person would call it cheating. If you had gotten involved with him, you might become just wife number XYZ when he's tired of the relationship. His motive are quite clear. My advice is to steer clear of him altogether.

now with long distance meets...how does one know for sure if the person is married?

There's no way to know if the potential person is married ... LD or local ... short of hiring a private investigator. What date is worth that kind of expense?? Some guys will outright lie about their marital status. At least the "busy job" dude told you the truth so you can make an informed decision whether to continue seeing him.

i am becoming less and less believing of people as time goes on dating

Don't put your heart and soul into one person for now. That way ... if the guy doesn't work out, you haven't lost much. Why not just date and forget about exclusivity until you're absolutely sure of a person?? Inform your dates that you're dating others ... so there's no misunderstanding. I know it's tough but what other options are there?? You don't want to give up ... do you?? Date the LD guy ... but also be open to dating local guys too.

if someone who is long distance lets you onto their facebook page...which is pretty public...is that any reasurance at all of their maritial status?

Maybe ... maybe not!! Determined people can find all sorts of ways at deception if they put their mind to it ... even if their Facebook page is public. All they have to do is use an alias rather than their real name ... or don't post pictures. But then, that would be a red flag.

I don't use Facebook so I'm not sure if someone could say nothing about their marital status (i.e. leave blank).

Hang in there. You'll find someone.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 48
how do you handle first long distance dates?
Posted: 7/19/2010 10:17:54 AM

now with long distance meets...how does one know for sure if the person is married?

You ask them how long they've been divorced and where (the county/state) said divorce took place, and then you do a public record search (if you are THAT worried about it.) I don't do those types of checks, but MANY people do. I don't entertain the thought of meeting anyone who presents some very simple indications of marriage/GF/etc. If there is limited communication after their normal business hours, if weekends/holidays come and go with no communication, if there are abrupt hang-ups when on the phone, etc., etc. There might be reasons for all of those behaviors, but what they say to me? He's not available ~ or at least not available enough for me.

i am becoming less and less believing of people as time goes on dating.
if someone who is long distance lets you onto their facebook page...which is pretty public...is that any reasurance at all of their maritial status?

I wouldn't trust facebook to harbor my fake pigs on my fake farm there. Just like any web-based meeting/networking/dating/etc., site, there will be those who are liars and those who are not. The only way to know if someone is married or not married is to KNOW them well enough to know. JMO
 Padawan61
Joined: 3/1/2008
Msg: 49
view profile
History
how do you handle first long distance dates?
Posted: 7/19/2010 3:55:29 PM
but this week 2 men who live very far away have asked to meet me.
one lives in Alabama and the other in Israel

Who knows kai ... maybe you're a magnet for long distance men?? If the ones from Alabama and Israel really want to meet you ... they'll have to finance their own flights and accomodation. There's no expenditure on your part. But I agree with Jrod ... a guy would have to be nuts (or money to burn) to travel across several states (or across the Atlantic) ... just for a meet.

i am wondering why it never someone from my area

My question is: Have you taken the initiative to contact the guys in your area?? Maybe they're shy.

the real trick will be if he actually shows up!

Divine ... whether the long distance guy shows up or not ... kai hasn't lost anything just by agreeing to meet ... as long as no money or too much emotions are tied up in it.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > how do you handle first long distance dates?