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 stone-1
Joined: 3/26/2009
Msg: 4
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Ex issuesPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)

In the last year we've been on and off in bed together

I think it's pretty clear what's going on,
& why he's not listening when you tell him that he's cut off....

It isn't about convincing him... he isn't going to stop wanting a hookup.
If you don't want to... screen your calls... don't take his.... Don't open his emails...
 Mathostx
Joined: 7/26/2009
Msg: 7
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Ex issues
Posted: 7/6/2010 7:45:17 AM
Well, it's called a mentally abusive relationship. I've got an ex right now that the only reason I lost her is because of 50% distance, and 50% her ex at the time was pulling the same crap. Every time she'd start going out with someone he'd guilt trip her into feeling like she was cheating on him even though they'd been broken up for several months.

Guys do this because you let them. You gotta stop being afraid of taking the risk of cutting him out and just do it. Otherwise no matter how long it's been he will still try and control you. And since you're afraid to let go, he'll succeed.
 Super_Eve
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 10
Ex issues
Posted: 7/6/2010 8:27:49 AM

I dumped my ex a year ago and we tried to stay friends (we were together for four years and I was treated badly)

In the last year we've been on and off in bed together but not together - you know what it's like if youre single and its familiar lol

Well anyway, after another horrendous argument, which generally centralised around the fact that it was ok for him to sleep with/date whoever he wanted, but if I dared go on a date I got the #I miss you I love you but I dont want to be with you treatment.

I decided to cut all ties completely, and yet he's still trying to get me back (whilst trying to get into the knickers of five other girls at once!)

What is going on?! I dont plan to be back with him and have said as much and more but he doesnt seem to want to listen!


Closure is your friend, and don't recycle your ex beaus.
 Twilightslove
Joined: 12/9/2008
Msg: 11
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Ex issues
Posted: 7/6/2010 8:49:48 AM

I dumped my ex a year ago and we tried to stay friends (we were together for four years and I was treated badly)


He abused you which left you in a dependent state so you have not broken the relationship off completely. You need to realize that you are worth more than he has made you feel you are worth and cut off all ties with him. Get involved with family, friends, coworkers, church members and perhaps a woman's group that deals with abuse issues and make them your new support system instead of familiar ole' him. I know that seems hard to do right now yet he will continue to use you as long as you let him.



In the last year we've been on and off in bed together but not together - you know what it's like if youre single and its familiar lol


After breaking up with him, you continue to have sex, citing that it is because he is familiar, yet he is now been given complete permission to have sex with MANY women which leaves you more and more susceptible to getting STD's. You cannot get a complete medical history/report of all the women he sleeps with yet you can get a medical history/report from potential partners that you might choose to be with.

Remember, that even though sex is wonderful, there is much more to like about you then just the sex you put out for someone else. You might want to make a list of your good qualities. If you cannot think of any right now ask those family members, friends, coworkers, etc. I'm sure they can come up with many for you.



Well anyway, after another horrendous argument, which generally centralised around the fact that it was ok for him to sleep with/date whoever he wanted, but if I dared go on a date I got the #I miss you I love you but I dont want to be with you treatment.


This is where he tells you that he is allowed to have his cake and eat it too yet don't you dare do it.........as you are owned. This is no way to live!



I decided to cut all ties completely, and yet he's still trying to get me back (whilst trying to get into the knickers of five other girls at once!)


He is still trying to get you back because you make it so easy to do. You will always be his easy standby when he can't find anyone else available. Do you really want to be his easy standby? I really doubt that.



What is going on?! I dont plan to be back with him and have said as much and more but he doesnt seem to want to listen!


What is going on is that you have not stood firmly with your decision to cut off all ties with him so he doesn't believe you. Why should he? You've let him back in up till now. You are the one who is going to have to make the decision to end this once and for all and stand by it. You are going to have to make hard decisions to change phone numbers, email addresses, and perhaps even your address and not give him the new ones. ONLY YOU CAN STOP THIS!!!!

Get some support from others whom you trust and whom care about you and get stronger.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 14
Ex issues
Posted: 7/6/2010 11:45:49 AM

What is going on?! I dont plan to be back with him and have said as much and more but he doesnt seem to want to listen!


What is going on? Simple, that YOUR actions indicate that you allow the abuse to continue. That you give up easily and will take him back again. That you will even go lower and lower for the sex, since after you split you continued to have sex with him. That you don't value yourself enough and instead pose questions as if it was someone else's fault that all this has happen and continue to happen to you.

I recommend you do two things. One, look at your relationship history and determine how many of these men are also abusive. Two. Look at your own family of origin, that means your dad or mom and determine IF they were ABUSIVE between themselves, towards a sibling or towards YOU. Look deep into that equation even if you were spared of the abuse.

And based on the above information first and foremost, eliminate ALL contact with your ex. That means ALL contact. That means you are not his friend, he is not your friend and you have nothing to talk about, email about, text about. ZERO. Then identify if there's a pattern here and look for guys that are not abusive.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 15
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Ex issues
Posted: 7/6/2010 11:55:54 AM
Unless he's mentally ill of the stalker variety
he'll listen to you when you really mean it.
Right now he knows you will give in so he pushes
to get his booty call. Figure out why you allow
yourself to be so badly treated, and even seek it
from him, so that in the future you don't lower
yourself to date anyone like your ex. It's all your
choice, he's not making you do anything. If you had
any value of yourself, if you thought you were
worth better than you have been getting for the
last four or five years, then this guy would have
never been in your life at all, much less dropping
in and out like some recurring fungus between
your toes.
 Pingshooter
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 16
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Ex issues
Posted: 7/6/2010 11:57:53 AM

What is going on?! I dont plan to be back with him and have said as much and more but he doesnt seem to want to listen!


He treated you badly, yet you still had sex with him, after you "dumped" him. Right?
Now, you severe all ties and yet he is still chasing you. Right?

The deal is..he wants to have someone that gives him sex, while he plays around.
You haven't figured that out..even with the statements you made in your post?

When YOU want sex..I'd suggest you not go back to him for your usual, or you will only prolong this mess.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 18
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Ex issues
Posted: 7/6/2010 2:55:08 PM
The OP's problem is, she thinks that the fact that he keeps coming back for more, means that deep down, he loves her, and that all she has to do to have the happy ending, is to keep letting him come back until he realizes she's the one. Nothing else makes sense.
All the talk about being over and done, and the fuss claiming she's been abused, is a self-deception (played here for us as well) designed to make it APPEAR that she is thinking logically in the real world. She is not. She will not stop taking him back, until she actually believes that he does NOT love or care about her. I can not predict when that will be, but it does not appear to be on the horizon at the moment.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 19
Ex issues
Posted: 7/6/2010 3:28:18 PM
Ex-sex is by its nature *always* lousy sex. It's sex without love and sex without hope. Hard to imagine a worse idea.

Hanging with someone you've broken up with and who has treated you badly is like filling up on macaroni and cheese, and then being unable to find a place in the tummy for lobster and/or roast beef.

If you want a great life? Stay hungry.

 I-am-Rei
Joined: 9/11/2009
Msg: 22
Ex issues
Posted: 7/6/2010 4:04:28 PM

dumped my ex a year ago and we tried to stay friends (we were together for four years and I was treated badly)

In the last year we've been on and off in bed together but not together - you know what it's like if youre single and its familiar lol

I find the inconsistencies of some people ridiculous. How can you stay friends with someone who have treated you badly in the past and much more remain having sex with them? I hardly considered them friends material unless you have masochistic tendencies.


I decided to cut all ties completely, and yet he's still trying to get me back (whilst trying to get into the knickers of five other girls at once!)

Cutting ties completely means no phone calls, no texts, no mails, no dates, no sex with him. What is your definition of cutting ties completely?

If you really want his kind of sex then as you were familiar with fuk buddies then just be one of his fuk buddies, without deeper emotions. Otherwise if you enjoy all of it again you should have not broken up in the first place.

If you are willing there's a lot of ways, if you are not willing there's a lot of alibis.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 24
Ex issues
Posted: 7/6/2010 4:47:42 PM
Another mind numbing but not surprising dilema.

In simple terms,,,,,YOU make the choices,,,thus the bed you are sleeping in,,,,or with. Not getting personal,,,but like some have said,,,,why would YOU hang around in anyway, shape or form with someone that has treated you like crap??????? Once YOU figure that out,,,,maybe YOU can enter one of those "good" relationships,,,,but somehow knowing people and the way they fall back into their old ways,,,,,,,not likely.

Just a guess on my part.

Edit,,,,sorry,,,I didn't know how young YOU were,,,,still no excuse for your actions thou. Maybe learn now,,,,,,for later??????
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 26
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Ex issues
Posted: 7/6/2010 8:44:35 PM
Msg 19:

The OP's problem is, she thinks that the fact that he keeps coming back for more, means that deep down, he loves her, and that all she has to do to have the happy ending, is to keep letting him come back until he realizes she's the one. Nothing else makes sense.
All the talk about being over and done, and the fuss claiming she's been abused, is a self-deception (played here for us as well) designed to make it APPEAR that she is thinking logically in the real world. She is not. She will not stop taking him back, until she actually believes that he does NOT love or care about her. I can not predict when that will be, but it does not appear to be on the horizon at the moment.


This is most insightful.

Despite what the OP might have said and done, the truth is, she wants this guy back. Dumping him was her way to threaten the guy, but that backfired when the ex called her bluff, and she's been trying to get him back ever since.

The heart wants what the heart wants, that is true. But OP, until you stop deceiving yourself and accept that this guy does not and will likely never love you and respect you, you will continue to get lurked in by his sweet talk and stay loyally forever his sexual release.
 GWSmith
Joined: 12/18/2008
Msg: 29
Ex issues
Posted: 7/6/2010 11:00:18 PM
Avoid said ex like mustard gas.
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