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Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 2
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PornographyPage 1 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
Feeling compelled to do internet porn at work twice a day suggests a problem. Saying one "can't" give something up suggests a significant problem.

You may indeed be overthinking this and he does have a problem.
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 4
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Posted: 7/11/2010 2:50:52 PM
Guys like to look at porn. Lots of women have a hard time with that. Insisting that they don't do it won't stop them. It will just make them more secretive and feel guilty about it which, personally, I don't think contributes to a healthy relationship.

I'm into a kind of "don't ask, don't tell" policy about it. I'd rather not hear about it or have it in my face. I also don't think that in and of itself it's a problem.

Where it gets to be a problem, in my mind, is when it becomes the preferred outlet. Same way with masturbation. If it's cutting into their interest in having sex with you, then it's a problem. Likewise if it's causing other problems in their life or has the potential to. If he's doing it at work when he shouldn't, that might cause a problem.

Dan Savage recently ran an interesting column where he mentioned a book called Sex At Dawn. The author points out that early humans lived closely with each other, had multiple partners, and saw each other having sex as a normal part of their daily life. It's natural for humans to get turned on by it. I thought it was a very interesting point. Some couples actually enjoy doing this together. I'm not one of them.

If the relationship is otherwise good, I wouldn't worry much myself. If there are other problems, pay attention to them before you move in.
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 8
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Posted: 7/11/2010 3:01:31 PM
I think porn is a fine thing. But it is not a work thing.
*Most* of the people who masturbate with porn at work daily have a sex addiction.

I'm willing to concede that there may be people with a high sex drive and it is not automatically a sex addiction, but, really, how many people do you know who masturbate 2x a day at work? With porn, the discovery of which will likely cause them to be fired or censored. Nup, there's something else at work here.

People who come home from work and masturbate with porn have recreation and stimulation in mind. People who masturbate with porn in the workplace have some semblance of career suicide floating around in there. It's displacement of one form or another.

Edit to add: And I'll go even further in my psychological slice n dice of a man I have no knowledge of:
I will bet that he might even believe his use of porn through the week IS because he misses you so much. THAT explanation is preferable to "I have some issues I need to get a grip of" or, how about, "I have a sex addiction I am powerless over". Nah, THAT type of analysis isn't at all confrontational is it? lol
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 11
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Posted: 7/11/2010 3:08:21 PM

If he was into porn and was being satisfied without me, then why did he want me there with him? Was I just a pawn in the game?

You and him and Him and porn are two separate things. Because he gets meaning from the one does not make the other less meaningful.
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 13
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Posted: 7/11/2010 3:16:55 PM
Are you saying he watched porn at work while masturbating?
That's pretty sad , and I would think could lose you a job
if he works in a place where jacking off a couple of times a
day is inappropriate. But who would need that? Really,
you can't wait till you get home? Porn is harmless as
a masturbation took but his behavior sounds odd.

I could see how he would masturbate, looking at porn,
and thinking of you, that doesn't sound so odd. But if
it goes against what you want then you should break up
as he should not have to not look at porn just as you should
not have to have it in your life if you don't want it.

Still the porn at work, I am curious about what his job is
and why he can't control himself enough to only do it
at home.
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 15
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Posted: 7/11/2010 3:28:32 PM
They are still separate things Cath. Sometimes, certainly not with all people and certainly not all of the time... because there are many, many ways people use porn... some people use it to have control. For most of us, fantasy is a way of being able to explore things that excite us without having it spill into our "real" life. For some people, porn is a way to access fantasy. And it is separate from real life and real relationships. For some people, people with intimacy issues or sex addiction issues, porn is used as a device to have the semblance of intimacy without the heavy lifting required in real life. They have the semblance of control in their lives. Or something like that *grins*

It may well be his "need" for porn increased as he felt the intimacy stakes in your relationship increase.

I feel strongly that this is used as a mechanism to avoid something. We're not talking about recreational porn use here. He may be avoiding feelings of not measuring up. He may be avoiding problems with authority. He may be avoiding relationship intimacy. Don't know what he is avoiding, but I am certain he is avoiding dealing with something. Porn is his preferred avoidance tool.
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 16
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Posted: 7/11/2010 3:32:09 PM
If you are experiencing a deterioration of intimacy, then that is its own problem and moving in together will probably only make it worse. Masturbating to internet porn twice a day *at work* sounds like a risky thing to be doing. What if he gets caught? It doesn't sound real smart. If someone can do it twice a day and still want me . . . well, that's a pretty sexual guy. But if it's interfering with a guy's interest in me, then I'm gonna lose interest in him real fast.

As for the assertion that fantasy is going to win over reality every time, I disagree. I have a great fantasy life but it is no substitute for the real thing.

Sounds like you are not having a good feeling about this. Trust your gut.
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 19
Posted: 7/11/2010 3:40:27 PM
Nothing personal dear,,,,but because your profile is out there in the public to view,,,I would suggest there maybe a reason your BF of TWO solid years magically went to visit porn sites twice a day at work none the less.

That's just my opinion based on things I have discovered on my own about people over the last 48 years. No studying of books written by others who decided to label something that is "different" than what most consider normal human behaivour. The man you have described is far from a sex addict unless you are leaving out quite a few "other" things that you are too scared to mention.

You are right though,,,,the two of you are not a match.
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 20
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Posted: 7/11/2010 3:46:27 PM
Itsmargo is right, your intimacy and the porn are separate things. It is likely that a lessening of intimacy with you is a result of things OTHER than the porn, especially porn at work (VERY foolish, unless he's in the industry).
It might be similar in a way, to the fact that a person (men and women) can observe and see the attractiveness of people other than their chosen partner. People are complex, and almost nothing about us boils down to a SINGLE factor.
I can't guess what his inner story is, whether he's addicted or not, but the two facts 1. that he now disgusts you, and 2. that you HAVE ALREADY LEFT HIM, means this case is closed either way. Since it is over between you, why do you want to investigate his problem here?
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 22
Posted: 7/11/2010 3:54:26 PM

Maybe that makes sense, maybe not.

Not in the least. I was referring to YOUR profile and YOUR words YOU chose to use in it. It speaks volumes,,,seriously.

Instead of studying you probably should of asked questions and actually tried to listen to what he was trying to say to you with the way he answered,,,,or tried to answer. Betya he gave you all the clues you needed.
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 24
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Posted: 7/11/2010 4:15:39 PM

I fully loved him, he didn't fully love me, because to me, he needed to look elsewhere.

This is where *I think* your thinking falls off the grid. You are equating his use of porn to loving you. They aren't related. I doubt you will get a grip on this subject until you are able to separate the two.

I hope it speaks volumes.

It speaks of someone in a lot of pain and turmoil right now. Who isn't ready to date.

Cath, all addiction is avoidance in one form or another.
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 25
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Posted: 7/11/2010 4:16:22 PM
People with addiction never think they have a problem, but the people who love them find their addictive behavour destroyes relationships. Addicts blame everyone and everything but themselves. Walk away and don't look back.
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 27
Posted: 7/11/2010 4:24:06 PM

I didn't go on this site until after we broke up. I hope it speaks volumes.

Did ya read what I wrote????? Did you comprehend what I wrote????? Nothing to do with your timing of your profile at all,,,,but the words you decided to use in it.

Yet you don't hear about us satisfying our urges in work.

What you hear and don't hear doesn't mean that it doesn't happen,,,,,or do you need to HEAR something or READ something to make you believe it?????? Which begs the question,,,,,how did YOU happen to find out that your previous BF was using a porn site at work,,,,,once, twice,,, or could it have been three or four times??????

he didn't fully love me, because to me, he needed to look elsewhere.

Somewhere along the line you have been fed this line as the "truth" or you wouldn't be repeating it,,,,and acting like it is the "truth". You may think it is,,,,,,but do you really KNOW it is?????

Again,,,,any human behavior that doesn't fit what some believe is "normal" gets labelled. You have done that well here,,,and so have others. I would love to hear your opinions on bi-sexuality and what goes on in the minds of people that indulge. Ohhhhhhh,,,,yes I would............
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 28
Posted: 7/11/2010 4:25:24 PM

OP masturbation in general terms doesn't affect sex life. Unless he masturbates and his lady wants some solid action 5 min later. Men have sexual urges on a regular frequent basis. I guess he gets bored at work, has an opportunity to check on port and does it. Usually when men masturbate they do it on a specif woman if a porn girl is different.
So, I don't think it would be bothering me too much. But again I am guy I watch some porn and masturbate very ocassionally.

I was thinking the same thing. Well, not that I watch porn and masturbate, LOL, but that I wouldn't be worried about it.

~OP~ After reading the entire thread, all that I read is where you have problems with him. You feel insecure, you feel/felt a distance between you two, you don't like him watching porn or masturbating to it, etc. Maybe I'm just more open-minded than you, but I don't see what he does during his working hours as being a problem about YOU. The distance thing? That has deeper roots than him watching porn when you aren't around. Why did he want you to move in? My guess is that he wanted you to move in. Only he can tell you WHY that was. It's pretty obvious via your posts here that you are disgusted by his porn/masturbation activities, so maybe it's best you just move along. Be warned however, he was honest about the porn/masturbation. In the future, you can bet it's going to be happening with MOST men you meet/date, they just might not be as honest about it. JMO
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 30
Posted: 7/11/2010 4:51:47 PM

When he first told me I began to read......

Oh my. Well,,,,you found it,,,you read it,,,,so it must be true!!!!!!!
Here's a suggestion. Go find another source or two. After reading more than one,,,,think about what they have told you and decide if you want to enter the year 2010.

This stuff kinda reminds of reefer madness,,,,allllllllll over again.
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 31
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Posted: 7/11/2010 4:56:55 PM
^^ And the use of pot leads to being a heroin addict.

IMO, you are using some of the stuff you read to amplify and justify your fears about this. You legitimately fear he may become interested in child pornography and put your children at risk? Really?

The message he sent to me was insecurity in myself

Your insecurity was already there looking for places to land on. IMO that is generally what insecurity does; seeks 'proof' that its presence is justified.

The majority of men and many women regularly use porn in their lives. The majority of men and women masturbate. The use of porn and masturbating does not indicate if they love you, nor to the extent of their love for you. You have (or seem to have) masturbation and porn lined up as 'proof' he doesn't love you, that you are not 'enough'. There is no way he could change your mind on this.

A minority of men and women use porn to masturbate at work; some have issues and others do not. Some have a high sex drive, some have a sex addiction. It's hard to figure out whether it is an addiction or not, but one of the hallmarks is if the activity is interfering with your day-to-day life. Presumably, with a 2x a day habit, he is letting it interfere with his work life. The frequent use of porn doesn't raise the alarm bells for me, the regular use of it *at work* does.
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 35
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Posted: 7/11/2010 5:30:44 PM
Insecurity is a funny thing Cath, we can be very secure in our professional role and a mess in our intimate relationships. (not that I'm suggesting you are a mess).

So what is the correct answer.

Well now, that's the difficult thing, isn't it? I don't like correct - it's too close to right/wrong for me and I almost invariably see more than one side of the story. I prefer to view things through works/doesn't work or effective/ineffective.

Regardless of whether your pov is 'correct' or not, his use of porn doesn't work for you. That oughta end it.
Now, if you wanted to take it on and look into 'why' it doesn't work for you and where your thinking/feeling were off in this thing, that would be a different thing to examine.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 37
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Posted: 7/11/2010 6:14:12 PM

Margo, I know it is a seperate issue, I know this is what the studies say, but the studies also say how it makes a spouse or mate feel.

no one 'makes' you feel anything. you choose it. what about couples who view porn without negative effect? why doesn't it 'make' them feel threatened?

op, your source material ( can hardly be seen as objective, given its connections to christian groups and their moralizing views on sex. the first anecdote of your material is reckless enough to posit a causal relationship between pornography and infidelity, as if it were all so simple.

i've been with a woman who liked bondage and S/M porn. it didn't excite me. by the slippery slope 'logic' you're willing to believe, not only should i have liked it, i should be practicing it. on women, children, dogs, gerbils, fenceposts and anything else i can chase down, hold down and screw. i don't.

i'm sorry your relationship didn't work out, but your willingness to accept hysterical notions that externalize your feelings will not help you in future relationships, or life in general.
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 38
Posted: 7/11/2010 6:29:06 PM
americangr- sounds like you read some research and have an understanding of the likely deleterious effect of porn addiction on real-life relationships, including your past one.

The ADDICTION is what can ruin their life and disrupt yours if you are involved. As long as YOU smoke, many who don't will avoid you because of YOUR addiction.

Do you also understand the normal 2 year relationship hurdle where infatuation wears off and partners become somewhat habituated to each other?

So many couples break up at that point, feeling that the excitement of being in "love" has gone away.

Some have learned to share common interests and add some unpredictability to their relationships to maintain that "spark" of intrigue and hormones.

If he had said he would give up his addiction to porn if you would give up yours to tobacco, curious what would have been your response?... S

americangr- PLEASE stop smoking tonight, in your next heartbeat! There are men out there that AREN'T addicted to porn or anything! Smoking is usually a DEAL-BREAKER !
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 40
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Posted: 7/11/2010 6:35:48 PM
There are people who regularly use porn yet the thought of someone being sexual with a child disgusts them. Porn and child porn are NOT the same thing. Smoking pot does NOT lead to heroin use.

As far as 'crossing over', my limited exposure to other people's kinks suggests that their kinks run on a track: a person does not mysteriously slide into child pornography without the kink already being there. I would be willing to bet dollars to donuts that your ex bf looked at porn with very young girls.

Does your most recent ex? What flavour of kink is he scratching? Are your fears justified? See, I don't get how you're amplifying this into "I have to protect my children from my porn addicted ex bf".

I could get: "I don't want to be with someone who masturbates 4x a day but can't be intimate with me" and I could get: "I don't want to be with someone who intentionally commits the equivalent of career suicide". But those aren't the thoughts you are focusing on here.

BTW, "me or the porn" IS an ultimatum.

Edit to add: Just saw your latest post Cath. Let me ask you this: Why is it important to you to figure this out?
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 43
Posted: 7/11/2010 11:38:48 PM
At a loss here. He owns his own business, he has his own office. He's NOT going to lose his job, fail promotion, and presumably he closes his door. He *tells* her what he's doing. He's not hanging at bars looking for hookups. Does no one even remember what it's like to be horny?

I think it is possible to get addicted to porn, but this seems more situational to me. Half of the time (it would seem) he doesn't even use porn.

I think our OPie is carrying a BIG load of the famous baggage. She also seems to be studying *only* info that will back up that baggage. The if this, then that follows is no more true of porn than drugs or sexual orientation. One is however free to believe whatever they want.

I, personally, think *she* is afraid of commitment, is reading (and has been reading) things into the relationship to confirm that fear, and therefore justify ending a real live live in relationship. Which of course, she's free to do. The pity of it is, that unless she learns to look at herself and her motives and fears with a clear eye, nothing is likely to change. AND I'd sure as hell get that blurb off of her profile. Jeepers, sweetie, use your head.

Joined: 4/13/2008
Msg: 44
Posted: 7/11/2010 11:46:50 PM
You were bang on by explaining your discomfort with him doing that and even MORE strong minded by leaving him! I admire that in a person :)
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 46
Posted: 7/12/2010 7:31:30 AM
Porn is not the problem - like guns, it is the user that's the problem. There is a time and a place for everything, and at work is definitely not it. In this troubled economy, to risk losing a job because his penis takes priority just shows he is not that bright.
There was a young man who was a teacher here in West Michigan who lost his job when the janitor found "evidence" of him masturbating at the school when he was alone. This will affect the rest of his life, his ability to find employment, his current or future partner. A man without a future is not very sexy to any woman.

Also when someone is choosing the porn over their mate it creates a problem. It seems men are simply unable to see that porn is fantasy - the women are fake, the orgasm is fake, and it is unfair to hold a partner to a level of that which is digitally enhanced.

i've been with a woman who liked bondage and S/M porn. it didn't excite me. by the slippery slope 'logic' you're willing to believe, not only should i have liked it, i should be practicing it. on women, children, dogs, gerbils, fenceposts and anything else i can chase down, hold down and screw. i don't.

If you don't like what they like, then you shouldn't be with them.
Bondage & S&M is fun and perfectly normal for those who enjoy it - when it's used on someone or something that is nonconsensual, it is morally wrong and an offender should be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.

It's strange that in our society, everywhere we turn we are bombarded with sexual images and ideas, yet in our romantic and dating relationships, women are socially discouraged from discussing the details of sex with a man when we start dating because we are afraid of appearing slutty, and many men can't reasonably discuss sex without acting like goofy adolescents.
Porn is great for those who just want to fill time in between partners, but neglecting a partner for porn is like fantasizing about eating Godiva chocolate, when your favorite Cadbury bar is sitting right there in front of you, untouched.
Joined: 7/10/2006
Msg: 47
Posted: 7/12/2010 9:00:57 AM
Well, allamericangr1, it really sounds to me as if your relationship with this guy had an array of problems, many of which had no particular link to this guy's (ahem) viewing habits.

1. First off, he was almost certainly doing the exact same thing at the outset of your relationship, when you felt everything was fine.

He just was not telling you about it, probably for a range of different reasons, such as insufficient trust in you, or possibly, an *accurate* fear of what your reaction would be.

2. I'm most emphatically *not* going to be all rah-rah smut is great (it's not) but respectfully, this whole issue seems a lot more about your insecurity than his (rather pathetic) behaviour. You make the point about not judging all men as s*x addicts but you put the failure of your last relationship down to that, and it's out on front street on your profile. I'm not judging you, but you should know it says "Not over my breakup and likely to judge you for something some other guy did" to any attentive reader.

Your worrying over "is this the type of man I draw" is EXACTLY what I'm talking about. Men do not come in "types", we are actually *individuals* with our own uniquely irritating set of flaws.

Sensible women stop thinking of guys as coming in "types" right around the time that they develop *insight* into their own behaviours in dealing with guys. If your interior monologue is an endless feedback loop about some guy's smut habit and whether that says something about you, it's time to invest in meditation tapes or something, because that thought pattern is useless to you.

3. If he was not fulfilling your emotional needs or treating you the way you wanted to be treated, because he no longer felt about you the way he once did, then that's a perfectly valid reason to end a relationship-- but call it that, rather than blaming his smut habit.

Someone's viewing habits are no reason to get insecure if they don't affect their behaviour.

Men and women are just different, you know? Your fantasies generally bore us, our fantasies generally offend and repell you, but at the end of the day, they're fantasies.

Sure, you cannot compete with an endless series of pneumatically-enhanced perpetually young costumed "actresses", but then I could not compete with DiCaprio, Gere or whoever is gracing the cover of People this week.

I'm not going to get insecure about a g/f swooning over some actor, because I'm not really competing with him, now, am I? Nah, I'll just turn off the lights and give her the green light to call me Leo if she feels like it.
Joined: 12/9/2009
Msg: 49
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Posted: 7/13/2010 6:16:12 AM
Wow, your 2 year relationship where is everything was going well has turned to you pushing off your guy. He shared probally his most personel vulnurable stuff with you and you judged him and executed him based upon your religious upbringings.

I hope you feel good about your pure self, I work from Home 12-14 hrs a day, Stressful times, yea, take care of the edge , I am in my own home, so what
So he shared it with you............another response could have been, "well you got me!! I'll take care of those urges", instead you judged, ruled, and executed not only his ego but his chances of ever opening up to you again.........good job, and I know you don't care about his future, but you know he will think hard about opening up to the next relationship he is in for fear of another excecution is coming.

Good luck to you..........................
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