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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > over 45 men and marriage???      Home login  
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 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 2
over 45 men and marriage???Page 1 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)

So what's up with the attitudes about marriage?


Ya mean the men's attitudes,,,,right??????

Put yourself into a man's shoes,,,,one who has gone thru what I call the "ringer" a couple of times in his life, and probably was married at one time,,,but not anymore,etc. Now,,,in the man's shoes,,,,,,reread your post 20 times,,,,comprehending it, at least half the time,,,,,,and then get back to us.

Your post has all the answers you need for your question.
 DrummingNut
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 4
over 45 men and marriage???
Posted: 7/14/2010 5:11:50 AM

I would love to be able to travel again someday. I'd love to be able to buy a new car again someday. That means I'll need to be part of a two income household again.
So what's up with the attitudes about marriage?

Well there ya go.
You answered your question already.
One of the reasons you would like to get married again is so there will be more money coming in.
 davidsauvignon
Joined: 2/6/2008
Msg: 5
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over 45 men and marriage???
Posted: 7/14/2010 5:34:37 AM

I want love, tenderness, knowing someone loves me and will be there next to me.

Nothing different than what most men desire. I will offer you one more possible explanation, though. Based on your screen name and stating that you still have kids living with you, a lot of guys will keep on searching for someone who will put them and the relationship first. Especially, if they've already been in relationships where they were designated or treated as less than an equal.

You want love, tenderness and someone to be there next to you...but with kids and their needs, attention, personalities, attitudes, schedules, etc. a lot of men (particularly our age) already know that those things will only be shared at your convenience which kind of detracts from the 'equal partner' kind of thing. It doesn't mean they hate kids or anything...just that they are less willing to 'settle' for a relationship like that.





~ds~
 DrummingNut
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 6
over 45 men and marriage???
Posted: 7/14/2010 5:42:03 AM
Most people talk about what marriage.. or love.. or whatever.. will do for them.

If only we could focus on giving love, not getting it.
 whytwater
Joined: 8/7/2008
Msg: 7
over 45 men and marriage???
Posted: 7/14/2010 6:54:47 AM

If only we could focus on giving love, not getting it


Excellent point! And phrased well (no mention of "security").

It took me two ten-year marriages, and the book-end divorces that cost me a small fortune, well, two small fortunes, to understand that Marriage, the kind sanctioned by the State and the Church, is really a formal partnership agreement, unwritten, unless there's a pre-nup on the order, if not the scale of Michael Douglas/Catherine Zeta-Jones (she declined his first offer to include a $5.000,000 break-up fee), and it (marriage) is about kids, surnames, and money/jointly acquired property.
No requirement that the partnership agreement be reduced to writing, though, as all the important provisions are supplied by statute (which land heavily on the dissolution of the partnership).
I'd have been well-served if some bustard had enlightened me beforehand.

Legal consequences, and "Marriage", have little to do with the relationship that too often leads us to it, and while "being legally required to be there" is charming when it comes from Renee Russo's mouth to Mel Gibson's ear, the threat of sanctions/punishments does more to undo the relationship, and the marriage itself. jmho

So, too, it seems to me, is the comment that the now skittish ones necessarily come from "dysfunctional" marriages- to say as much strongly implies that there's some grievous defect in anyone who comes out of a divorce- a punishment, a deterrent, an add-on spanking by proxy that's neither warranted or helpful.
And that, without full knowledge of the facts leading to the divorce, seems unjustified, unnecessary, and kinda spiteful.

No, lol, I'm not a bitter divorced person. Money, in mixed company, often referred to as security, or alternately, "he's a good provider", is kinda low down on my list of things that matter.
 WalksOnWater2
Joined: 5/19/2009
Msg: 9
over 45 men and marriage???
Posted: 7/14/2010 10:43:00 AM
Men get married every day.
That's because women do, and guess who they are getting married to...
They also split their money, and most of the time they get saddled with the whole expense of the family they produce. Many even like it. They like stability and the feeling of security marriage implies.
They seldom like to get married for irrelevant reasons however, such as someone else's desire to buy a new car, travel, or contribute their income to form a two income household, because that's what the other party needs.

You don't need, you want, but you need. Decide which one is.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 11
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over 45 men and marriage???
Posted: 7/14/2010 12:19:58 PM
"That means I'll need to be part of a two income household again.
So what's up with the attitudes about marriage?"

Many women and men will be offended by the above attitude about marriage.

I am not afraid of much, but the idea that another person would have me as a partner so they could get more things in life, scares me very much. Scares me as much as the person who would want me to be their partner because they get lonely by themselves.
 CallmeKen
Joined: 9/4/2009
Msg: 13
over 45 men and marriage???
Posted: 7/14/2010 2:38:43 PM

I would love to be able to travel again someday. I'd love to be able to buy a new car again someday. That means I'll need to be part of a two income household again.

Let's say you find a man and you and he become engaged. In the course of your engagement, he gets laid off from his job and can't find another right away. Do you break off the engagement?

I suspect that it's the main reason I've never met anyone off of POF. Women know child support comes first (in responsible men, at least). There's little left over for new cars and travel.

Be careful to read the fine print. In your wedding vows, you are agreeing to for richer OR for poorer. Not just if he can add to your lifestyle.
 AintNoDeal
Joined: 2/3/2010
Msg: 14
over 45 men and marriage???
Posted: 7/14/2010 6:25:23 PM
In fact, I have had several men tell me that they have no desire to get married again.
Yes, but what did the OTHER MEN SAY?

1) I'll marry you, but I won't buy you a car.
2) I'll marry you, but I won't travel or pay for you to travel.
3) I'll marry you AFTER your kids move out and you buy your own car.
4) I'll buy you a car, but ONLY for city use, NOT for travel = smart4two
5) I'll travel in my car without you, but when we're together, we're "married".
6) Tell your kids to buy you a car, and we'll travel in that.
 kari135
Joined: 9/1/2009
Msg: 15
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over 45 men and marriage???
Posted: 7/14/2010 8:17:23 PM

Most people talk about what marriage.. or love.. or whatever.. will do for them.

If only we could focus on giving love, not getting it.


There's a difference between describing expectations and saying what a relationship will do for one. My espectation - what it would 'do' for me is provide companionship while the person providing that companionship is loyal to me alone. I offer the same in return. No relationship is 50/50, each partner should be willing to give 100%.

As for focusing on giving love, that's a fine thing to say, but there does need to be a person to focus on, as well. All the love in the world is meaningless if there is no one to receive it.
 Padawan61
Joined: 3/1/2008
Msg: 16
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over 45 men and marriage???
Posted: 7/14/2010 11:38:43 PM
I'm in agreement with the above poster. If a guy wants a golddigger ... why not choose from the younger crowd of females ... where the ravages of age hasn't caught up with them yet?? If I was wealthy and wanted a materialistic woman ... she'd better be smokin' hot. Wealthy guys want something for their $$$.

You're 46 and have been divorced. If the same attitude exist in your real life ... like your original post, then a guy can sense potential financial danger. They don't want to be put through the "ringer" to subsidize the lifestyle you see for yourself. Your profile also says you have two children under the age of 18 who lives with you. That translates to "playing daddy" from the guy's perspective.
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 19
over 45 men and marriage???
Posted: 7/15/2010 9:16:09 AM
If a guy wants a golddigger ... why not choose from the younger crowd of females ... where the ravages of age hasn't caught up with them yet?? If I was wealthy and wanted a materialistic woman ... she'd better be smokin' hot. Wealthy guys want something for their $$$.

You're 46 and have been divorced. If the same attitude exist in your real life ... like your original post, then a guy can sense potential financial danger. They don't want to be put through the "ringer" to subsidize the lifestyle you see for yourself. Your profile also says you have two children under the age of 18 who lives with you. That translates to "playing daddy" from the guy's perspective.


I agree with the above poster. As a woman with no dependents who finances her own cars and vacations and who has done well for herself over the years, I can understand where many of these men are coming from. My antennae are always up for men looking for security---whether that security comes in the form of a "nurse" or a "purse". Golddiggers are not just limited to women. There are plenty of younger men out there looking for older wealthy divorcees and widows to subsidize them, as well as much older men in declining health looking for much younger women to take care of them.

If the shoe were on the other foot and I were to spot this mercenary phrase in a man's profile, I would RUN, not WALK the other way.

I'm supporting myself and my kids just fine thank you. I would love to be able to travel again someday. I'd love to be able to buy a new car again someday. That means I'll need to be part of a two income household again.

NEXT!
 Padawan61
Joined: 3/1/2008
Msg: 21
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over 45 men and marriage???
Posted: 7/16/2010 4:53:03 PM
^^^^^Reading these forums ... a guy doesn't have to be over 45 and divorced to think about having a pre-nup. That should be automatic these days. And I would make sure that the pre-nup cannot be overturned by some loophole.

As for dating a divorce woman ... not a chance ... unless I get the details on the circumstances of her divorce. Even then, it's caveat emptor.

All this (and more) doesn't endear the "fairer sex" to a guy

You betcha. Especially if they're not smokin' hot.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 22
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over 45 men and marriage???
Posted: 7/16/2010 6:57:21 PM

you say you don't need someone's money yet in the same breath you say you need a two-income household again to get what you want. i can see how that would confuse the hell out of a guy, but reasonable compromises are available so i wonder why you would presuppose that another marriage is a necessary requirement for any of it.

^^^It is confusing...and I'm wondering if that was simply poor juxtapositioning...and perhaps OP what you were trying to get across was that you'd like to seek marriage again...to be hopeful again that you could build a life together with someone where eventually through a shared combined effort and building resources you reach that stage where you can enjoy the fruits of that combined effort.

If that's the case, I can understand that.

It seems like first marriages when you're in your 20's are all about that. You don't have much but each other....and you're out to prove that you can make it...willingly sharing and sacrificing to build your little empire of somethin' wonderful....together. For whatever reason, it really does seem that time in one's life doesn't get replicated again with other people...no do-overs; in part because what was at the heart of that, was often a particular brand of naivete.

Once the blood is spilled and the spoils of divorce are sorted and awarded...the rancor and learning curve combine to create an indelible 'never again' moment akin to Scarlett O'Hara's.

Some men (and women) recoil in horror at the thought of exposure again...and preventative fortification can become major life focus.

Personally, I'd keep my eye open to find 'a little tenderness ' that you spoke of and let that dictate the lay of the land of what will be.
 Dave of Indiana
Joined: 3/18/2009
Msg: 23
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over 45 men and marriage???
Posted: 7/16/2010 7:02:25 PM
I can't help but feel our western lifestyle plays some part in this. S_x, I want my needs met and the fast life are having a detrimental effect on every aspect of society including marriage. All in the name of sales and marketing. I could be mistaken but our lifestyle is the ever expanding economy.

We, the hippy generation, have become the very thing we protested against in our parents: both men and women.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 24
over 45 men and marriage???
Posted: 7/17/2010 1:43:12 PM
(I tried to BUY the house from her... nope... she prefered to see it get foreclosed so I would lose my equity portion)

Then watching her put all the stuff she was supposed to give you into a storage facility and not pay the fee... thus it all gets auctioned off.

Then that "bundle of compassion" decides to do everything in her power to prevent you from ever seeing your offspring again... and dumps said offspring into state foster care because they are interfereing with her dating.

All this (and more) doesn't endear the "fairer sex" to a guy.


Sorry Fred, I don't see it. *You* picked the lady in question. Are you saying NONE of the traits were visible during courtship? *None*?

Both of my divorces cost me a bundle. In both cases, one I initiated the end of the marriage, and one where he did, I would have been infinitely better off financially if I'd never been in the marriages. The first, he was interested in money, and I let him have it. The second, a fairer division would have been extremely complicated, and I wished to get on with my life. While I regret the endings, I *don't* regret the marriages, and I'm friendly with both men.

As for all of those dragging the OPie over the coals for being a golddigger ~~ it's a fact of life that sharing basic living expenses leaves more -- for both peeps -- for discretionary spending: new cars, travel, etc. I saw no indication that she expected to be treated to these things by a guy.

I think it is also true that most guys her age aren't going to be wild about being in a household with kids that they are not an actual father to. Again: another sorter. And speaking of sorters, lol!, she has so many restrictions up front that if I were a guy, I'd just run for the hills rather than starting to type an initial email.

 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 26
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over 45 men and marriage???
Posted: 7/17/2010 11:09:49 PM
"She left at "for poorer."

So you can spend the rest of your life making it an issue or you can learn from it and choice wisely in the future.

If people want to have an after life in their post divorce life, they need to heal for their own sake, let alone the sake of anyone they become involved with.
 GrandmaBooBoo
Joined: 12/30/2006
Msg: 28
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over 45 men and marriage???
Posted: 7/19/2010 6:01:49 AM

It seems that most of the men I have met don't really want a long term relationship. In fact, I have had several men tell me that they have no desire to get married again. They don't want to split their money with anyone again. I also hear that men think that marriage is a way for women to trap men and force them to stay even though the woman will treat them badly. Men don't want to get married because they don't want to be tied down to one woman, they've learned it doesn't work......The list just keeps going and going.
LOL! Well, I could introduce you to a few hundred men over 45 who would love to get married. The problem is that they have the same philosophy:
I'm supporting myself and my kids just fine thank you. I would love to be able to travel again someday. I'd love to be able to buy a new car again someday. That means I'll need to be part of a two income household again.
So what's up with the attitudes about marriage?
You see, it's BECAUSE they CAN travel and buy a new car...WITHOUT that elusive "2nd income" that they avoid situations where "marriage" and "combining incomes" even comes up in the conversation.

It's NOT just the necessities that we have to look at when accessing the possibilities of a financially binding relationship...it's also...those "nice extras", like traveling and new cars.

Most folks, at age 45 have realized that they have few years left to build that "nest egg" on which they must support themselves for the rest of their lives. People have a funny habit of adopting the mindsets that, my family (and their problems) become YOUR family (and problem)....be it a child who can't/won't grow up and wants to be supported at age 32 because they're still in college...OR the brother-in-law with 4 kids who lost his job and can't make the bills.


That may seem contradictory, I'm not sure it really is. However, why should it be wrong? Security IS as important as companionship. Why do you see the need for security as a negative? Didn't you go find a job so you'd have security?
OK! I can agree with that; but please enlighten us....WHY is it OK for ONE person to be looking for "security"...and NOT the OTHER?


If only we could focus on giving love, not getting it.
Same goes! Shouldn't this work from BOTH sides?
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 29
over 45 men and marriage???
Posted: 7/19/2010 1:53:28 PM
I would love to be able to travel again someday. I'd love to be able to buy a new car again someday. That means I'll need to be part of a two income household again.
So what's up with the attitudes about marriage?

Well, for starters, I wouldn't marry anyone who wants to get married in order to be in a two income household to further her aspirations to travel and buy a new car. I'm not really sure why you think a guy would get married for the privilige of supplying you with those things. What does he get that he doesn't have being single other than additional responsibility, debt and monogamy?

But there are posters in these very forums who had an LTR with a man for 20-30 years, only to be denied the "right" about healthcare, funeral arrangements, etc when their men's time came...

I'd bet those issues never arise in a fwb or fb situation.
 AintNoDeal
Joined: 2/3/2010
Msg: 32
over 45 men and marriage???
Posted: 7/19/2010 6:51:23 PM
Fred - I hear what you're saying - some people will destroy their own lives just to make others suffer. I would not begin to assume I knew the local laws of another state, or the stipulations a judge put on a divorce settlement. Even where the laws are the same, the judge's attitude can create vastly different results. Even still if the ruling is in your favor, that doesn't make payments, possessions or property magically get delivered to your door. People who are adept at lies and evasion seem to slip out of any kind of responsibilities.

In a situation like yours, it would seem necessary to make a Herculean effort to monitor the home/possessions for a time to collect, and to enlist the aid of police if possible -- but I understand when people really don't want to call the cops just to get their "stuff" back. It shouldn't be so hard.

Your story rings true to me -- I know of two couples doing the same to each other currently.
 Blue-Eyes-Shine
Joined: 11/26/2008
Msg: 33
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over 45 men and marriage???
Posted: 7/19/2010 8:02:59 PM
I've never met a man that the divorce was his fault, then again I've never met a woman that the divorce was her fault.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 34
over 45 men and marriage???
Posted: 7/20/2010 12:12:29 AM

I've never met a man that the divorce was his fault, then again I've never met a woman that the divorce was her fault.


The divorce was my fault. The end of the marriage was my fault. The marriage itself was my fault.

There ya go!
 AintNoDeal
Joined: 2/3/2010
Msg: 37
over 45 men and marriage???
Posted: 7/21/2010 12:05:29 AM
.... you will get to the latter part in your life bitter and wondering whatever happened to your happy ending.


OFF-TOPIC:
Men tend to view their "end-of-life" conditions in a different light. Being "happy" can end up pretty far down the list, superseded by things like --
-- an honorable death
-- a cool death by fireball explosion/vehicle wreck
-- a pyrrhic victory over an enemy
-- a quiet, dignified death
-- a lonesome death in a remote locale

So...bitterness and despair are not things we really worry about so much, as long we fight the good fight.
 Smarts and Heart
Joined: 12/15/2009
Msg: 38
over 45 men and marriage???
Posted: 7/21/2010 9:33:42 AM

" I would love to be able to travel again someday. I'd love to be able to buy a new car again someday. That means I'll need to be part of a two income household again. "


Maybe she just means that within a two income household, if the household expenses, such as rent, mortgage, utilities etc., are divided equally by both, then each would have extra remaining for a few extras such as a new car, travelling etc.

I didn't automatically take it as her wanting someone else to finance these things for her.
 GrandmaBooBoo
Joined: 12/30/2006
Msg: 39
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over 45 men and marriage???
Posted: 7/21/2010 3:56:57 PM
^^^^ This is really nice.....in THEORY; but the problem with the REALITY of it IS: that while it makes things more affordable for the lesser earning partner, it simultaneously LOWERS significantly the lifestyle of the higher earning partner.

HENCE: Say, one earns $5,000. per month, the other earns $2,500. per month. If the 2nd partner pays EQUALLY, then they have 0 money left over.....OR, the higher earning partner MUST LOWER their standard of living to where the lower earning person can afford to pay their 50%.

I'm certainly not willing to lower my lifestyle in my "golden years" just so someone who wants the financial security of a relationship so they can make their own life more comfortable...for THEM...while making mine LESS COMFORTABLE for me.

Get it?

BTW: New Deal, you make some excellent points. "Happiness" is "subjective"; and you're absolutely right, happiness to one person is being able to say they've traveled and purchased new vehicles...but to ANOTHER person, happiness IS...dieing in peace (of mine), with integrity and dignity. Whether this comes through knowing that they never cheated anyone and always carried their own weight; never raised an hand in violence to another human being, or that they gave to charity. But mostly, I think that you'll never get some people to admit that "their definition" or what THEY need to BE happy is no more (or less) valid than someone elses...which may be totally different from their own.
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