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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Getting married in the Catholic Church      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 sweet_n_heart
Joined: 1/31/2007
Msg: 2
Getting married in the Catholic ChurchPage 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Maybe do the wedding outdoors somewhere IE: park, beach, on a resort in country of choice.. that way you don't have to join a church or basically adopt a religion and only churchy thing you would have is the priest...

I could be wrong but don't think you have to be a member of a church just to have a priest show up at your outdoor wedding.. heck the wedding could be small too (which would give more options of where to have the wedding outdoors)
Getting married in the Catholic Church
Posted: 7/14/2010 11:50:16 AM
i see your point completely, but this is minuscule stuff in the big picture. if you're considering canceling wedding plans (or maybe ending the relationship, it's not clear what you're thinking about 'calling off'), how can you possibly be ready to get married?

you know he's a church member. you know that even if he's not a devout practitioner, his churchiness is important enough that he's insisting on a marriage ritual. it's not a leap to predict he's going to subscribe to standard christian behavior, part of which is trying to pull everyone he knows into the cult, or at least paying lip service. did you truly not see this coming?

church related issues are going to come up again, and it's clear there's dealbreaking potential there. you two have a major stumbling block you haven't worked out.
 DragNFlyBuzzez
Joined: 12/9/2009
Msg: 4
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History
Getting married in the Catholic Church
Posted: 7/14/2010 11:55:32 AM
Has both your old marriages been anulled by church? It is not that easy, if he is catholic he needs a diocease anullment to get remarried in catholic church, you have to go thru classes.
 SpecificTruths
Joined: 9/19/2009
Msg: 5
Getting married in the Catholic Church
Posted: 7/14/2010 12:39:58 PM
I know it's waaaaay too late for this, but you have to bring up your atheism and unwillingness to get married in a church at the very beginning of the relationship. I have and got dumped for it but that was after dates 1-3.

Since that's past due and pointless to even bring up (sorry), you have to weigh your options and feelings. If you love this guy enough, just suck it up and get married there. If he's a cafeteria catholic, I'm sure he won't mind leaving you at home on Easter and Christmas, or again, you have to suck it up and go.


He feels getting married in church and blessed by a priest will be an "insurance policy" on making the marriage stronger.
Christians have the highest divorce rates in this country, so obviously this argument holds no water (http://www.divorcereform.org/mel/rbaptisthigh.html). Maybe show him this?

In any case, I feel sorry for you and having this conflict come up at such a tough time that should be a happy and joyful time. The fact that you're considering calling all off, though, means there's got to be something else or a bunch of things going on, because I think if you really loved each other with all your hearts one or both of you would be willing to compromise.
 NarcissusTemple
Joined: 4/23/2009
Msg: 6
Getting married in the Catholic Church
Posted: 7/14/2010 12:46:52 PM
My take is that he is more religious than you thought.
His behavior indicates someone who is still being motivated by guilt and shame.
I think what he did was "hopefully manipulative," as in, "I've got her going to the classes, now if I can just get her to step just a little further this way she'll be hooked in."
I think you made a mistake in assuming his requests were cursory nods to tradition.

This would be a complete deal breaker for me.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 7
Getting married in the Catholic Church
Posted: 7/14/2010 12:46:56 PM
Hi. Thanks for reading, I will try to keep it short. We hope to be married next summer. I'm thinking JOP/court house. He thinks priest/Catholic church. We each have been married prior.

I'm not sure how he plans to do that, unless his first marriage was annulled (unless he doesn't let on to the fact that both of you have been married before.) I'm not sure how he plans to explain your previous marriage, since you aren't Catholic and probably haven't considered trying to get your first marriage annulled.

He feels getting married in church and blessed by a priest will be an "insurance policy" on making the marriage stronger.

Well, it certainly makes divorce more difficult for a practicing Catholic, but since you indicated he isn't a practicing Catholic, I can't see what his basis for that argument is. Catholics can get divorced as easily as anyone else. They just can't do it if they are trying to adhere to Catholicism, which he obviously does not given that he isn't doing the other things Catholics are supposed to do, like attend mass.

I don't want to be Catholic (he knows this).

If you don't already know what that means, you will want to be Catholic even less when you find out. I went throuh that a long time ago when I had some notions of getting married to a woman who was Catholic. You get to attend al sorts of classes (for months), confess your sins to a priest and finally participate in a big ritual where you are confirmed and everyone makes a big deal out of you joining the church. The only possible positive aspect is that you might meet some Jesuit priests who are, in general, well educated and interesting to talk to, although they are considered a little radical by church standards.

Any words of advice before I talk to him again?

Find out EVERYTHING that you'll have to do to go through a church ceremony and decide if it's worth it to go through all of that, especially in view of your fiancee's hypocrisy with respect to his own participation, If you actually have to lie about anything to get a priest to marry you in the church, I'd definitely consider that reason enough to say NO, since the whole thing would not only be a sham, but a sham that requires a lot of effort for nothing.

The one thing you have going for you is that you don't have to actually say no. The priest will do that for you once he finds out your and.or or your fiancee's previous marriages have not been annulled. My gues is that he'll cave in once he finds out how much of a pain in the arse that is.

 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 8
Getting married in the Catholic Church
Posted: 7/14/2010 1:37:36 PM
sweetness appears smarter than she may admit to...

Your man appears to have convinced you to disregard all evidence to the contrary of what he tells you.. not a great way to begin any lasting committed relationship from your point of view.

START believing whats he DOES, much more than what he says. Especially if they don't match... S
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 9
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History
Getting married in the Catholic Church
Posted: 7/14/2010 2:09:16 PM
My Ex and I were married in a Catholic church. Part of the 'rules' at the time is that we were both Catholic, went to Pre Cana (premarital counseling) together and provided all of our baptismal, first communion, confirmation information prior to getting a date.
If either one had been married prior we would have to show proof of divorce and had either marriage been in the catholic church we would have had to have them 'annulled'. Many divorcees find this intrusive as it indicates your last marriage was meaningless or never existed, it also would make any children by those marriages considered out of wedlock. Nice, huh?
Basically at 50 years old I don't think having a Catholic ceremony should be a requirement unless you are both big Catholics. He isn't and you will never be by choice.
I am a Ex Catholic for years and will never go back, nor would I be a hypocrite and pretend to be just to get a church wedding. It guarantees nothing.
 SpecificTruths
Joined: 9/19/2009
Msg: 14
Getting married in the Catholic Church
Posted: 7/15/2010 10:19:14 AM
Hey Mary, sorry I jumped to conclusions. I didn't realize you did this:

Yes he knew my feelings on religion and the church wedding. We discussed it many times including early in the relationship.

I think he was lying when he said he agreed to weddings outside a church and everything. I don't blame you for being smoking mad, in the least! What he's done would be grounds for me calling things off unless an understanding could be worked out.
Frankly, though, I don't know how you can trust this guy. Religion in and of itself is delusional (god is an imaginary friend to the religious), and this guy is delusional if he thinks you're just going to back off on your original stance.

Whether the church will marry you or not (due to annulments or lack thereof, etc.) is a moot point. The real issue is that he violated your trust.

I wish you luck working this serious issue out at the most inopportune time in the relationship.
 SpecificTruths
Joined: 9/19/2009
Msg: 15
Getting married in the Catholic Church
Posted: 7/15/2010 11:38:25 AM
I have no idea how you "believers" and fellow christians can sit and rip catholics.

My experience dating ANYONE who is religious is all the same. They may claim they don't care at first and then spring some stupid b.s. on you like "will you come to church with me on Sunday? It's really laid back and just swell, tons of fun!" Then when I say I won't be caught in one other than for some other person's wedding or a funeral, they go all apeshit on me and make outrageous claims like I'll go to hell and they're trying to save me, or that they all of a sudden can't except me due to my views. Meanwhile, we've been slamming the headboard against the wall, committing what they consider a "sin" and now they want to be all riteous on me? Puhl-leeze. I learned my lesson, non-believers should stick to non-believers (OP's first mistake) and the believers should keep amongst themselves.

OP is non-religious. Don't think that catholics are any better or worse. You're all equally intolerant of others and their viewpoints, and you have just sided with an atheist over a fellow believer (catholic). How would your pastor react to that?
 brawnydog
Joined: 5/12/2006
Msg: 16
Getting married in the Catholic Church
Posted: 7/15/2010 11:40:20 AM
I don't think it matters too much unless you're seriously into your
faith. I was raised methodist and both of my brothers converted
to catholic to marry women. Personally, I don't require a ring or a
priest. Or, a lawyer. But, that's just me.
I guess I'm old fashioned.
I always figured giving my heart away was a weddin'..

edit: I'm a stalker..
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 18
Getting married in the Catholic Church
Posted: 7/15/2010 12:53:13 PM

I am not atheist (did you know it is defined as a religion too? I am not agnostic. ie: someone who is afraid to admit they are atheist...


Just another note here....
an agnostic is not someone who is afraid to admit they are atheist.


 JerseyGirl2008
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 19
Getting married in the Catholic Church
Posted: 7/15/2010 2:04:12 PM
"Destination Weddings" are the thing to do.

I always say if I ever get married again, it's going to be at the Drive-Through Window Wedding Chapel in Vegas.

I'm dead serious.
 WalksOnWater2
Joined: 5/19/2009
Msg: 20
Getting married in the Catholic Church
Posted: 7/15/2010 4:30:11 PM

I am hurt and angry obviously. Where is the happy meeting ground in a situation like this? Last night I was ready to call the whole thing off. Any words of advice before I talk to him again?

Here is the advice, once you're asked for it:
You are with a man who loves you and whom you love enough to decide to get married.
How often does THAT happen, you think?
Don't let the church or anything/anybody else, come between the two of you.
Find some ground to compromise.

You said he is non-practicing, not affiliated with a parish. Why would he change so radically?


 GWSmith
Joined: 12/18/2008
Msg: 21
Getting married in the Catholic Church
Posted: 7/16/2010 12:45:13 AM
OP: Are you sure, I mean absolutely certain that HE is the one who said you are ready to join a church and that its not just the assumption made by all the people who heard him?

You might be making something out of nothing.

Also for middle ground, maybe he is just doing it as a service for his religious friends and family. If that's the case get the REAL wedding done and then have the big hokey ceremony just to please the people who are closed minded. :)
 SpecificTruths
Joined: 9/19/2009
Msg: 22
Getting married in the Catholic Church
Posted: 7/16/2010 8:54:23 AM

Who is ripping Catholics?
Apologies, I guess it was the "Christian-other" person from msg 26 who doesn't believe in the gym for exercise, but believes in sex for exercise. Nice, more "faithful" who directly sin.
But you're right, the religion itself is not the issue, it's the deception. Like I said, I've been played by religious girls who say they don't care but once we start having sex and become a "couple" they spring religious mumbo jumbo on me despite the fact that I told them very early on that I think god is a figment of the imagination.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 23
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History
Getting married in the Catholic Church
Posted: 7/16/2010 9:06:07 AM

I am not atheist (did you know it is defined as a religion too?

nonsense. atheism is a repudiation of the relevance of myths and their social structures.

I am not agnostic. ie: someone who is afraid to admit they are atheist...

more nonsense. agnosticism is the position that the existence of deities is unproven.

why would someone be 'afraid' to 'admit' atheism? they already know hell is a myth, so where's the cost?
 SpecificTruths
Joined: 9/19/2009
Msg: 24
Getting married in the Catholic Church
Posted: 7/16/2010 1:01:06 PM

why would someone be 'afraid' to 'admit' atheism?
I think people put on a front that they are believers because they're afraid of being rejected by close friends or family members. It took courage for me to stand up and say to my religious relatives "god is imaginary." My aunt won't talk to me, my cousin makes sure to tell me "god bless" in hopes that I'll be forgiven on my so called judgement day, and some of my old friends won't talk to me anymore, either.

You know what? It's all worth it. Maybe it's like a mild version of coming out to a homosexual person, but it felt very good to let people know where I stand. And as a bonus, they won't bring up god talk in my presence.

Poor OP, all along you thought you were golden, than this shit comes up.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 25
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History
Getting married in the Catholic Church
Posted: 7/16/2010 2:25:51 PM
In a lifetime of 'forever'...the marriage is really minuscule...so it's too bad that there is this pall over what you were looking forward to. I can imagine how challenging finding this out is. That said, becoming suddenly religious is a bit strange.....especially choosing Catholicism which has quite a set of hoops to jump.

I see compromise as the answer as some have mentioned. I'm a non-practicing or lapsed Catholic. Marrying in the Church will require months of lessons. Divorced people aren't welcomed back unless an annulment is given. He's got two divorces under his belt---that will take some time to accomplish, and will need cooperation from both of his exes.

Isn't it the Anglican Church that hold beliefs and have structures quite similar to the Catholic Church? I am perhaps wrong (I'm sure someone will correct me if I am ;) as this I think was something that I recall hearing at a dinner party years ago. If it is true, it's very likely a more achievable middle ground compromise that won't require annulments and will likely have less onerous expectations than the Catholics do with respect to conversion and having all the sacraments before marriage...and the man you love gets the 'church wedding' he wants....
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 26
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History
Getting married in the Catholic Church
Posted: 7/17/2010 5:05:26 AM

....and an agreement that any children you have together will be raised as Catholics.

^^^Yes, this is absolutely true. I had forgotten about this....and yes, we did keep the faith and bring our son up in the Church and to receive the sacraments.

If he is serious about the religion, there will be no compromise or middle ground. Either you can live with that or you can't.

^^^Agreed...but not entirely sure if you're point here is speaking more about Catholicism or if you are encompassing other religions. Being a Catholic seems to require 'more' than other mainstream religions , and that could be rather onerous for one not similarly invested.

The Anglican church does have similar beliefs and practices, but remember that the Anglican church came about due to HenryVIII wanting a divorce. The views on marriage are not really the same.

^^^Thanks for that staceyssc.
 JP1111
Joined: 4/13/2008
Msg: 27
Getting married in the Catholic Church
Posted: 7/17/2010 5:36:53 PM
I fully understand your point of view since, I too am not religious at ALL. When it comes down to wanting to get married, it is important to ask yourself “why get married?”. At first your answer would most likely be “it's the normal thing to do when you love your partner!” so if that is what you think, then what's important? The fact that you are getting married or, where you are getting married?
 SpecificTruths
Joined: 9/19/2009
Msg: 30
Getting married in the Catholic Church *followup*
Posted: 7/21/2010 1:06:09 PM
^^^ Excellent news, Mary!


<div class='quote'>People who "don't care" about religion, usually suddenly become religious when the kids come along. Since atheists are a minority in this country which I have no intention of leaving, this is very important to me. I have to have this talk very early on to be sure I'm in the clear. If she says she goes to church on easter and christmas, that's still too much for me and I'm checking out; I've learned my lesson.
 SpecificTruths
Joined: 9/19/2009
Msg: 32
Getting married in the Catholic Church *followup*
Posted: 7/22/2010 6:59:06 AM

If I do not explore outside of my comfort zone, how can I expect to grow as a person and accept other religions, races, cultures or political views?
You wanna be friends with different folks of different strokes, great! You want to screw and marry someone like this, you have to be prepared for conflict.
As an atheist, I'll NEVER date a religious person!
Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Getting married in the Catholic Church