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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want      Home login  
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 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 2
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I wantPage 1 of 19    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19)
She says i'm the sweetest person she's ever met and yet there's still "something missing".


Something missing is the reality of your individuality. Striving to always "be nice" makes you just a "friend".

Relax enough to "be there" moment to moment, tease her & make her laugh, challenge her and express your opinions.

Don't be afraid to disagree with something she says, express yourself, not prostrate yourself.




Spark is what starts your car. All the gas and compression can be there, but if you don't include that extra intriguing flame, nothing happens... S
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 3
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No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/3/2010 9:47:02 AM
The something missing is something in the attraction to your physical features or personality. Spark is just attraction. She wanted to let you know that she recognizes that you a physically and otherwise attractive person. But not everyone is going to be attracted to everyone. It doesn't really matter why. What matters is that it's not there, and you can't (and she can't) force it to be there. You shouldn't think of yourself as any less attractive because she in particular isn't attracted to you. But she knows what she wants. No point in questioning that. Everyone wants to be attracted to their romantic partner.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 4
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No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/3/2010 10:07:15 AM
Because people don't fall for everyone they think is nice and attractive. I meet good looking and interesting people all the time but it does not mean that I want them to be my significant other. Sometimes friendship is all there is.
It is NOT an American thing, couples all over the world choose one another for reasons that other people simply do not understand every day. Attraction is not black and white. And girls do not always tell the truth for fear of hurting your feelings. Perhaps you are not as culturally assimilated as much as some American girls would like, perhaps your mannerisms, style of dress or family traditions make the girls you are seeking uncomfortable. A 20 year old girl is not necessarily very mature. Your chances for not getting a date are the same as any other guy on here.
 VacationGuy234
Joined: 8/1/2008
Msg: 7
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/3/2010 12:17:18 PM
OP, here's the thing. Women want a best friend. I know this sounds so dumb and it took years for me to understand it. As a guy, we don't want a best friend we want a girlfriend.

In my own case, I came to realize what they mean by a best friend. Lets say it a Friday afternoon, your at work and someone stops by to give you two tickets to your favorite, baseball team game, concert, whatever. Now, the first person who pops into your mind to accompany you to that even would be your best friend. That's what women want someone who'll be the first they thing about when they get free tickets to something because they know they want to spend time with that person before anyone else. That spark thing is for the birds, what they really look for is someone they enjoy spending time with, everything else falls into place after that.

You want to be the guy that they want to take to the game, period. Call it spark, fireworks, whatever it is still the same thing.

\/\/\/ I believe they call it alcohol...
 Delete_Me_Please
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 8
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/3/2010 12:20:06 PM
Imagine if attraction and compatible personalities were all it took to make people fall in love-- people would be falling in love right and left with multiple people. It makes sense that our bodies are programmed in such a way that it takes some kind of trigger (or spark) to set the wheels of love in motion. I met a guy from here who was attractive and we had a blast-- but I just didn't feel anything for him nor did he for me. I couldn't tell you what was missing but for some reason we had a strong buddy connection but not a romantic one. Who knows what causes that chemistry but maybe in the next 100 years some scientist will figure it out (and if he's a nerdy scientist, keep the info. to himself). "It" is either there or it isn't and there's not much you can do to force it. If feeling "it" tends to come easily to you, consider yourself fortunate because it should be that much easier to find someone who feels it in return.
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 9
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I'm not attracted
Posted: 8/3/2010 12:24:07 PM
If I fell for everyone I simply like, I'd have more boyfriends than I could count!

In any other part of the world, women - in places where they get to choose, anyway, but that's another subject entirely - need to feel attracted to a man, too, in order to want to be with him. This is not an American thing.

As for the woman who said that she is attracted to you, and likes your personality, my guess is there's something she isn't telling you that's off-putting for her. I've met a couple for whom this would apply, too, and I'm not going to enumerate here just what I felt was wrong with them, but it was both major and unfixable in both cases.

I did tell them, but this is not an easy thing to do. At an age that might be appropriate for you to date, I find it very understandable that this could be really quite impossible. I'm not sure I could have done it at 21 or so, either.
 SpecificTruths
Joined: 9/19/2009
Msg: 10
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I'm not attracted
Posted: 8/3/2010 12:28:37 PM
I've been told:
- "I'm just not feeling it."
- "I don't think we have that deeper connection."
- "I'd really like you, I think, if we'd met two years ago."
- "I'm not sure, I mean, you're cute and funny and all, but you're missing something I can't put my finger on."

I just chalked it up to female indecisiveness and moved on. Either that, or they met someone else they liked better, are trying to be polite in letting me down, or they have reservations about something I said.

Either way, who cares? Move on.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 14
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No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/3/2010 3:04:11 PM
what you may not be getting, op, is that people are complex and subject to conflicting needs and desires, the hierarchy of which can shift.

so a woman (or man) can meet someone who looks made to order, and be attracted to that person, and want to bang their lights out, yet shy away from contact. why? maybe not recovered from the last breakup. maybe ashamed of not having a job and living with the parents. maybe carrying a big load of suppressed childhood issues around. there are a million reasons, most of which will never be mentioned, many of which operate below the level of consciousness.

as frustrating as this may seem, it only gets worse the more you dwell on it. reading profiles on pof, it's easy to think the key to connection is as simple as meeting a few items on a checklist. it never is, and it can't be quantified, so the best analysis yields this conclusion: there's no point in analyzing.
 scottey63
Joined: 3/8/2008
Msg: 19
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No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/3/2010 7:58:12 PM
Well, you're looking for an "intimate encounter" (casual, no strings attached sex). What do you care about falling in love and/or if there's a "spark" or "chemistry"?
 peppermint petunias
Joined: 9/2/2009
Msg: 20
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/4/2010 2:40:15 AM

No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want


No it isn't.

It means you will not see them nekid..sober.
 Dare to
Joined: 2/11/2009
Msg: 21
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/4/2010 3:32:23 AM

No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Hahahahahahahahahaha........ You just keep believing that...
 Ed Bear
Joined: 5/19/2007
Msg: 23
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No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/4/2010 5:15:46 AM
"Chemistry" is an inarticulate person's inability to say what's wrong, or a refusal to hurt someone who won't do. Beyond that, there are so many variables one can't pretend to analyze things. It certainly isn't likely to mean not knowing what one wants, in my estimation.
ED BEAR
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 26
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No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/4/2010 6:52:02 AM
It is not elusive, it is everywhere. But you do need that initial speacail attraction in order to WANT to try for the long term happiness.
Maybe at 24, you should be trying to be happy and have fun rather than looking for the great love of your life.
 theforumfiend
Joined: 10/21/2007
Msg: 30
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/4/2010 7:43:11 PM
Wanting or expecting a spark is not exclusive to women.

http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts14124421.aspx
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 33
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No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/5/2010 7:51:09 AM
It's code for: I don't want YOU!
 tnt144
Joined: 10/22/2007
Msg: 34
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/5/2010 1:11:53 PM
No spark/chemistry simply means they did not feel that little bit of love at first sight you need to kick off a relationship. It has to start someplace, right? Love starts small and grows overtime.

But men and women are slightly different... women fall in love slower, so it does not happen as often for them. As a man... if I see a bikini on the beach, I'm half-way there. Do you smell what I'm cooking?!

Relax... meet some more women, it will happen... and it only needs to happen once... you only need one. Thank goodness!
 DoubleParked
Joined: 10/22/2008
Msg: 35
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/5/2010 2:15:47 PM
Spark/chemistry is codeword in 'womanspeak' for "Yes, you have passed my tingle test and I CAN SEE myself kissing you and more." Not such a mystery.
 ~*Isabel Kitty*~
Joined: 7/6/2009
Msg: 37
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No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/10/2010 8:32:53 AM
The "spark" can't be explained really. I've had guys who I was so sad it just wasn't there..I wanted him to be a guy for me...I really did...but without the spark/click whatever it just wasn't right. But when you feel the SPARK it's amazing! And sometimes you may get a spark/click with someone who isn't what you were looking for but end up with just because of it.
 Delete_Me_Please
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 38
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/12/2010 3:52:37 AM

About 30 years ago, I dated a woman who also had that "spark" requirement.

Doesn't everybody have that requirement? Maybe they don't use the term "spark" but they have to have a desire to proceed in a romantic direction. I'm guessing you guys don't try to kiss every pleasant woman you encounter, just the ones who have something extra about them that appeals to you. I suppose some people feel that desire more frequently than others and those people should consider themselves fortunate that they have a broader base of people with which to possibly make a mutual connection.
 ForRumOnly
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 39
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No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/12/2010 7:49:04 AM
I've rejected plenty of dates because of lack of "chemistry". Yes, they were nice women, interesting, attractive, and all that, but unless I felt the desire (which of course I'd suppress until the right moment) to rip their clothes off and have wild sex with them right then and there, there was no point in continuing. Chemistry is a polite term for lust! And it needs to be present for a romantic relationship to succeed, IMO. (Some people use the word "chemistry" to mean overall compatibility, but I just call that overall compatibility! LOL)
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 41
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/16/2010 9:16:14 AM
I think it is hilarious that men whine that women have a set of standards...because every man I know has the same ones!

My male friends wont just neck with anyone who shows interest, why should my female friends?

That spark, or chemistry is the reason/trigger that makes men show interest/ act on thier feelings...and a woman has the exact same perogative to either act on it, or not. Most men I know dont ask every woman they come across for a date...whatever filter they are using, I bet it is based on an initial attraction (or spark if you will)...and this is OK, as long as the ladies do not use thier same filter? Funny stuff I tell ya.....
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 42
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No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/16/2010 12:58:05 PM
^^^ what is this girl, 13? did you exchange pinky rings and come up with a little secret friendship code you can write on each other's facebook pages, too?

'best friend' means you will never get in her pants. ever. no matter how 'nice' you are to her, no matter how many drinks you buy her, no matter much you let her cry on your shoulder about the guys who banged her and bolted.
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 45
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/17/2010 4:59:38 AM

I don't think its a code word for that at all. It's plain english...your out!


BINGO! ...And it's really funny to use it on THEM!


Sure, we meet for coffee (20 minute limit!)...they show up 10 years older and 40 lbs heavier despite telling you online that they look JUST like their pictures....so we have a good convo. anyway...then when they ask what I think...."You know, you seem like a nice girl, but...I just don't think there's any CHEMISTRY here...

Oe girl spent the entire time complaining about all her meet up dates just being interested in sex, yada yada... I just said; "You'll find a good guy eventually, just keep at it!" Lol...clearly indicating that I wasn't THAT guy!
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 51
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/17/2010 11:19:09 PM

Well. She still trys to see me and talk to me. I refuse to go out and have a drink with her because shes already caused me enough pain. And shes the one who seems to be moving on just fine. I don't even want to meet anyone right now or "start a fire some where else" lol. But she just trys to keep me around. No idea why.

Hey, me either. But what's it matter? You don't need to feel jerked around. You're doing the smart thing, and that's what matters. The confidence in yourself that you gain from saying "No" to that will serve you well in future.
 grizzelda
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 53
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No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/18/2010 7:18:00 AM

Well. She still trys to see me and talk to me. I refuse to go out and have a drink with her because shes already caused me enough pain. And shes the one who seems to be moving on just fine. I don't even want to meet anyone right now or "start a fire some where else" lol. But she just trys to keep me around. No idea why.


Perhaps she isnt aware of how deep your feelings are for her and she believes that you are OK with just being her friend. Perhaps you should tell her that you are incapable of spending time with her because you are unable to have friendships with women that you have a romantic interest in. Unless you really believe that this woman is deliberately messing with your head and that belief doesnt stem from her rejection of you, you may want to consider why you would be so quick to assign such negative attributes to her. After all she was such a great person that you wanted to have a relationship with her, didnt you? What changed, other than the fact that she doesnt want a romantic relationship with you?
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