Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Over 45 & there must be something Why we can't find thee.      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 HappierAbroad
Joined: 6/30/2010
Msg: 2
Over 45 & there must be something Why we can't find thee.Page 1 of 10    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)
The roadblock is the lame dating scene in the US. I know many good looking , good job, good personality single men at 38 yrs + who cant find what they are looking for. Good luck!
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 3
Over 45 & there must be something Why we can't find thee.
Posted: 8/6/2010 5:02:50 PM
Women want us to sweep them off their feet, yet we are no longer able to do it??????

Actually,,,,I'm personally unable to figure it out,,,but I do know people tend to put others fairly quickly into generic categories based on their past "experinces". And personally,,,,,that is NOT wisdom,,,,or shall I say,,,,a very wise thing to do.

But hey,,,that's only my opinion,,,,and I'm sure everybody has one.
 OrangeRose2
Joined: 7/15/2010
Msg: 4
Over 45 & there must be something Why we can't find thee.
Posted: 8/6/2010 5:03:05 PM
I agree, its all about expectations. We want instant gratificaton and move on quickly if we see something we don't like about a person. It needs to be about enjoying time spent getting to know someone not about finding our 'one true love'.
 DrummingNut
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 5
Over 45 & there must be something Why we can't find thee.
Posted: 8/6/2010 6:06:11 PM

Over 45 & there must be something Why we can't find thee.

Huh?
You kinda lost me there.


As with all the experiences we all have had & wisdom, you would think it would be far more easier to find more folks with this same mindset over 45 years old.
Huh? What "same mindset"?
Gheeze... I'm sorry, I can't follow that opening post at all.

I feel like I fell down the rabbit hole.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 6
view profile
History
Over 45 & there must be something Why we can't find thee.
Posted: 8/6/2010 6:11:53 PM
Because everyone takes all this "wisdom and experience" and applies it differently to their life.
Alot of people didn't learn anything from those experiences.
Alot of people are jaded by those experiences and call it wisdom.

And alot of us just don't give a chit!
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 7
view profile
History
Over 45 & there must be something Why we can't find thee.
Posted: 8/6/2010 6:14:28 PM
Oh come on, nobody wants us because we are hell to be with. All the good ones have been taken, we are the the ones nobody wanted. Rejects, that's what we are!
 OrangeRose2
Joined: 7/15/2010
Msg: 8
Over 45 & there must be something Why we can't find thee.
Posted: 8/6/2010 6:19:47 PM
Speak for yourself!!! I am the best I have ever been in body and mind. We all get rejected sometimes. The game is different as we get older but we can still play and have fun.
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 9
 Smarts and Heart
Joined: 12/15/2009
Msg: 10
Over 45 & there must be something Why we can't find thee.
Posted: 8/6/2010 6:33:30 PM
As with all the experiences we all have had & wisdom, you would think it would be far more easier to find more folks with this same mindset over 45 years old.


When it come to finding a partner, most don't use their wisdom, nor do they draw on their experience. Most are looking for that instant "chemistry" and throw everything else out the window. They want it now, not a month later.They don't want to invest the time to see what the mind can see. After the initial chemistry fades and the disillusionment kicks in because there's nothing else there, they're back at it looking through profiles for the next quick fix.

Some will never learn and will only keep crying.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 11
view profile
History
Over 45 & there must be something Why we can't find thee.
Posted: 8/6/2010 9:45:47 PM
"There must be something that we don't yet know? "
We?

"Those developments such as divorce and problems with custody "

And the rest of us who don't have those issue go happily on with our lives. You want us to date you?..................yes, I will jump into getting involved with all that........not.
 AintNoDeal
Joined: 2/3/2010
Msg: 12
Over 45 & there must be something Why we can't find thee.
Posted: 8/6/2010 9:59:52 PM
Finding people is not a problem. You can put your criteria into POF's search engine and get a long list relatively easily. You can pick a few from that list which fall well within the range of normal people.

What people have difficulty with at any age is accepting someone into their life, their routine, their heart, their world.

When we are young, we accept more, thinking it will build our status, our sense of worth, respect, reputations, wealth and enjoyment of life in general.

When we get older, we accept less, fearing that for each thing we accept, we will lose something in exchange. Worse case scenario - we lose it all.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 13
view profile
History
Over 45 & there must be something Why we can't find thee.
Posted: 8/6/2010 10:13:44 PM
"fearing that for each thing we accept, we will lose something in exchange"

Uhhhhh.................no, we just get bored listening to the baggage.

"Worse case scenario - we lose it all. "

Don't think so. We listen...............and won't be putting ourselves in a situation where anything would be lost.

Come on folk.................we don't need to take on the issues of people who can't deal with there own issues...................Be serious. We have dealt with our issues. Why would accept fixing other people our own age, who haven't dealt with their's?

No one can fix others.

Meanwhile, we will continue on our merry way, enjoying life without the complications.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 14
Over 45 & there must be something Why we can't find thee.
Posted: 8/7/2010 4:37:35 AM
^^^^^^ Yet you're still here!!!!????? I don't think it's really a problem finding people to run around and "have fun" with,,,,actually that part is quite easy. It's actually finding the one person that you want to be with during the fun times,,,,,,along with those "other" times. Anybody and everybody can ride thru the "fun times",,,,one of the easiest things to do.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 16
Over 45 & there must be something Why we can't find thee.
Posted: 8/7/2010 8:47:49 AM

You`ve been here since 05. Therefore, i don`t really understand your point?
Surely, you`ve had your fun. I`m also positive if you wanted to settle down you could by now.I enjoy going out with friends, in the same token i see nothing wrong with enjoying life .I`m not into dating for the sake of dating. We all have certain criteria we look for in a person, but, you can never begin to know someone without spending time with them.


My point is that people define "fun" in different ways. You see,,,,my "fun",,,,,I have found,,,,,is not even close to what the majority find "fun" in my age range. I bore quite easily with most people(both genders) within my age range due to what they have come to believe, what they find important,,,and how they live their lives. I usually don't have to worry about it though, because after a initial meet,,,,and then a date,,,or even maybe two,,,,the other side decides that I am a little too "off the wall", "too intense", "too vocal", "too convicted".(I got a couple hundred they have decided to use) I do agree about time required to actually get to know the true person,,,but finding most do NOT want to spend that time. But they do what to have THEIR fun,,,,under THEIR terms, etc. Which includes, dinners, movies, dancing, coffees,etc.
And you used a term that actually disgusts me when people use it. "Settling down" is not what or how I define a long term relationship with someone that I want to be with. Far,far from it. Hell,,,,when I do find that one,,,,"settling down" will be the last thing I hope the two of us have on our minds.
It's all what floats our individual boats. It's just trying to get two like minded souls together that seems to be our biggest problem here,,,and in the real world. I think that could easily be one of the biggest roadblocks out there for most of us,,,,,finding that person that is on the same page as you are.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 17
view profile
History
Over 45 & there must be something Why we can't find thee.
Posted: 8/7/2010 10:03:14 AM
"I have found,,,,,is not even close to what the majority find "fun" in my age range. I bore quite easily with most people(both genders) within my age range due to what they have come to believe, what they find important,,,and how they live their lives. I am a little too "off the wall", "too intense", "too vocal", "too convicted".

When someone says that to my friends, their answer is "Yes, that is why we like her".

I so relate to the above, so have pretty much spent the last 15 yrs. with people 20 years yonger. Unfortunately, I am not into dating younger men. I still have a full social life with my younger friend. My international friends are also 20 years younger, and we are on the same wave length. My friends parents are my age, but we have nothing in common.

I am lucky that it doesn't bother me, and I don't have the desire to find a mate my age and settle for their lifestyle.
 DrummingNut
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 18
Over 45 & there must be something Why we can't find thee.
Posted: 8/7/2010 10:22:29 AM
Okay, we're all different.
We've had a lifetime of becoming the 'different' that we are,
and lots of years to make it BE who we are.
It's difficult to merge 2 Differents,
when each Different is quite cemented in place.

That's all it is.

Where's the puzzlement in that?
 Lint Spotter
Joined: 8/27/2009
Msg: 21
view profile
History
Over 45 & there must be something Why we can't find thee.
Posted: 8/7/2010 2:45:32 PM
I think people looking for someone else that has the same mindset as them very much limit their chance of finding happiness in a relationship... it's not having things in common that bond two people, it's being accepting of another person's differences and listening to them when they think and feel differently. I would also think that if someone couldn't manage a relationship with another person that had differences to them, it shows how unflexible they truly are... and the last thing I would want in a partner would be an inability to see things from another person's point of view.

My partner doesn't have to agree with me and I don't have to agree with him, but we do have to respect each other's opinion and right to have that opinion. On that I will not compromise.
 Delete_Me_Please
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 22
Over 45 & there must be something Why we can't find thee.
Posted: 8/7/2010 2:48:18 PM

we all have had & wisdom, you would think it would be far more easier to find more folks with this same mindset


It's all that wisdom that's screwing everybody up. You've learned your lessons and know what you want from a partner and the women have learned their lessons and know what they want from a partner. The trick is finding that good match. There are some big cons to getting married when you're young and dumb but there are also some pros to it.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 23
view profile
History
Over 45 & there must be something Why we can't find thee.
Posted: 8/8/2010 8:16:21 AM
What is the importance of having the same mindset? I agree with Lint Spotter's post and think for me that it is bang on.

I think people looking for someone else that has the same mindset as them very much limit their chance of finding happiness in a relationship... it's not having things in common that bond two people, it's being accepting of another person's differences and listening to them when they think and feel differently. I would also think that if someone couldn't manage a relationship with another person that had differences to them, it shows how unflexible they truly are..

Further, I tend to find for myself anyway that there is inherently great fascination in differences.

I've recently broken up with a man that I'd been dating for over a year, for essentially one reason, but it was an important one to me and was one that simply made it impossible for me to continue with him. Had this issue been resolved, it's very unlikely that I could have seen myself without him, that's how terrific he is. That said, this man could hardly be defined as of the same mindset as I. Nor is he the type that I could easily see most would glom onto as he wouldn't be able to jump through a few of the hoops that many folks especially those on the over 45+ group here tend to have as critical considerations.

Do I envision either he or I to have progressive and lasting limitations in finding another simply because we're 45+?

Nope, not at all, as one of the things we do have in common is an 'open and receptive' mindset--which is a completely different thing imo, than having a restrictive mindset that tends to have narrowly, defined 'must-haves' that seeks the same 'type' in their partner.

Does that mean that everyone will be acceptable to me, or that I'm indiscriminate? Of course not, but I think in part because I'm not as tightly wound around a checklist mentality, and because I'm quite open I tend to see 'more' in the way of potential, and by extension, feel that I have more come my way, because I have seem to have 'less' out there that could be considered 'exclusionary'; and also because the type of filter-stuff that is important to me in a man is not usually something that comes in the type of man that also tends to have that 'checklist type' mentality going on. jmo
 DrummingNut
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 24
Over 45 & there must be something Why we can't find thee.
Posted: 8/8/2010 10:19:43 AM

I would also think that if someone couldn't manage a relationship with another person that had differences to them, it shows how unflexible they truly are..
True.
But the thing is, by this age many many are inflexible.
We see it here in the forums all the time! (*cough*)
We see it out there in the world all the time.
"Older people can be set in their ways" isn't just a saying.
There is a great deal of truth there.
They've become who they are, they're comfortable with the way things are,
and they want to ADD someone to the way things are..
not really thinking about how they'd have to do some changing around too.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 25
Over 45 & there must be something Why we can't find thee.
Posted: 8/8/2010 10:54:30 AM

Reflect that your mindset IS the roadblock.
Within 5 miles from your house on your block, is likely a compatible partner.

So true....

When one is truly OPEN and WILLING to put their hearts out there...they could find themselves in a new relationship within 20 minutes.


Well of course you can. It wouldn't be a very positive relationship. It wouldn't be a nuturing relationship. It wouldn't be a productive relationship. But,,,yes it is possible to jump into a relationship fairly quickly if you REALLY wanted to. We still see it at our ages. Hell,,,,I could have started two or three alone last night. But it isn't(and won't be) the kind that I am really looking for today,,,tomorrow, or even next year.


as one of the things we do have in common is an 'open and receptive' mindset--which is a completely different thing imo, than having a restrictive mindset that tends to have narrowly, defined 'must-haves' that seeks the same 'type' in their partner


That "mindset" is EXACTLY the one of the ones of which I speak. Or in other words,,,it's a "way of living". It isn't a "list" of sorts,,,,,it's how you have decided to live your life, how you deal with it, how you handle the good,the bad and the ugly. But,,,,,it IS something that isn't really something that people(well convicted people) will change JUST to have the potential to be in a "relationship".

No matter what ya think,,,,people who have lived a good part of their lives will NOT just flick a switch and decide that they are going to change their "mindset". It would take an amazing "personal experince" to do it. At our ages,,,,a lot of us have already experinced most of those ones that will change our hearts and mind to a point. Death of a parent. Death of a friend. Loss of a job. Loss of a spouse or signifcant other. An accident. A near death experince. Etc,etc,etc.

Ask yourself,,,,,if you were told today that you only have so many days to live. Would a "relationship" be on "top" of your lists of things to do or something that "has to be done" before the dirt gets tossed on ya.
Think about,,,,honestly,,,,and answer yourself,,,,honestly. The "importance" of relationships sometimes can lose it's appeal if you look at the big picture,,,,,the true big picture.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 26
view profile
History
Over 45 & there must be something Why we can't find thee.
Posted: 8/8/2010 12:05:25 PM

Ask yourself,,,,,if you were told today that you only have so many days to live. Would a "relationship" be on "top" of your lists of things to do or something that "has to be done" before the dirt gets tossed on ya.

^^^Are you suggesting that there is something more important like a bus tour to see the fall colors of upstate NY, that is more important????

To me, it's always people first.
It's about the connections we make when we're here.
"People" and relationships that I have or people that inspire me, are at the cornerstone of what defines a life well-lived...no matter how long that life.

I don't regret for a moment having known those that I've loved, despite the end of these relationships. There is nothing to me that comes before the importance of special people in my life: family, significant others or friends. And I take those relationships seriously and value them. Everything else in this world is secondary.

At our ages,,,,a lot of us have already experinced most of those ones that will change our hearts and mind to a point. Death of a parent. Death of a friend. Loss of a job. Loss of a spouse or signifcant other. An accident. A near death experince. Etc,etc,etc.

^^^Change is one thing. Closing oneself down and trying to reduce 'exposure' and vulnerability (over and over again) and ramping up the fortress checklist mentality because of 'lessons learned' also closes out opportunity as well as 'seemingly' mitigating risk. Sometimes someone that's right for us, perhaps didn't get that memo...and therefore won't always present in a mode that is easily recognizable....

Walts, I'll never have a happy home on the 45+ threads (although I love inserting my own brand of perspective!), simply because I feel (like several others) that a good chunk of people here seem imo, not to be able to cope with what happened to them in their past relationships...and 'that stuff' very often shows in their posts. Often, many seem to have a score to settle in this life (or another).

"I choose relationships Alex for $1,000 dollars"...For however long I'm around... I choose a different path...I value different experiences...and I value company! Truth be told none of us are assured of anything---least of which is a long life. Perhaps, I'm more about being hopeful...and open...regardless of what's gone on. That's my particular mindset and yes, it affects how I see everything.

There is no naivete about what I believe. People can do bad things and it's good to understand that deception is inherent in some of this. But people are also different, and I owe it to myself to consider people individually...I do understand that not everyone see things the way I do nor are they able for whatever reason to leave some of the past slings and arrows of injustice behind. I have and can. In my life and in my experience, 'less' by way of over-thinking...usually garners 'more'. jmo.

edited
 Lint Spotter
Joined: 8/27/2009
Msg: 27
view profile
History
Over 45 & there must be something Why we can't find thee.
Posted: 8/8/2010 12:27:52 PM
I would also think that if someone couldn't manage a relationship with another person that had differences to them, it shows how unflexible they truly are..
True.
But the thing is, by this age many many are inflexible.
We see it here in the forums all the time!
Then one would think that the collective we that are so staid in their lifestyles should also be enlightened enough to understand that it's through their own machinations that they are limiting their dating pool. After all, if one is to believe the various posts of that same collective we in the various threads, then self-understanding is commonplace amongst that group.

Just sayin'...
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 28
view profile
History
Over 45 & there must be something Why we can't find thee.
Posted: 8/8/2010 12:59:28 PM
"Think about,,,,honestly,,,,and answer yourself,,,,honestly. The "importance" of relationships sometimes can lose it's appeal if you look at the big picture,,,,,the true big picture."

I so agree. I have learned that I wasn't put on this earth to only be in a relationship with one person. I need more in my life than that. While I have been fortunate enough to have had a good marriage, when I became widowed I thought long and hard about my purpose on this earth, and about how I wanted to spend the time I have left on this earth.

Yes, I need good friends and have been blessed to have a good number of friend in my own country and in other countries. Friends give my life a lot of meaning.

What keeps me awake at night isn't missing with fact that I don't have a s/o. What keeps me awake at night is figuring out way to help others internationally, and help make lives better in the animal rescue I do.

People are different and that is their right. My bigger picture is different than a lot of people's big picture.

It is far more important to me to fill my life with what I need to do to keep myself happy, than to search for a mate at my age.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 29
Over 45 & there must be something Why we can't find thee.
Posted: 8/8/2010 1:06:45 PM

Are you suggesting that there is something more important like a bus tour to see the fall colors of upstate NY, that is more important????


No thanks,,,been there,done that. Plus there are a couple places around this province that I have yet to visit and experince.

I will suggest that "searching" or "finding a relationship" with an unknown other wouldn't be on top of that list either.


relationships that I have or people that inspire me, are at the cornerstone of what defines a life well-lived...


I would suggest that would be YOUR definition of a "life well-lived",,,no????? I would also suggest that the majority of these "relationships" of which you speak have NOT been defined as "romantic". You see,,,the people thing and the "relationship" thing,,,I can kinda agree with you on, to a point. But,,,a "relationship" does NOT always involve romance. And I do believe that is what we are talking about in this thread, as in a "significant" other.
I don't regret anything I've ever done,,,,ever. Including "loving" the ones I did,,,,but they also include my family,,,,,my "true" friends(not acquaintances), the people that I have held my hand out to, my dogs, my growing,,,my teaching,,,,etc(the list is endless). And,,,to add,,,,none of my relationships "ended" with those that I loved,,,,,they just changed. The romance may have disappeared,,,but the relationship just changed.


Closing oneself down and trying to reduce 'exposure' and vulnerability (over and over again) and ramping up the fortress checklist mentality because of 'lessons learned' also closes out opportunity as well as 'seemingly' mitigating risk. Sometimes someone that's right for us, perhaps didn't get that memo...and therefore won't always present in a mode that is easily recognizable....


Not once I have I said that said that "closing oneself down,,,or the reducing "exposure" is what has happened to "all" of us,,,,have I???? Actually,,,if you read my profile,,,it's the one thing that I don't like(as you don't like) about our age group. But,,,,,that doesn't mean that some of us have not put the "importance" of a romantic relationship down the list a bit. It also doesn't mean that we are bad people for it either. You may die never having found that one "romantic relationship",,,but you may have the search on top of your list till that day. That is YOUR choice. Others have decided that it isn't as important to them at this time of their lives.


For however long I'm around... I choose a different path...I value different experiences...and I value company!

Am I correct in assuming your school of thought, after reading this???

Now,,,because some have decide another "path",,,,you cannot say they are wrong,,,can you???? You may believe that "company of others" is important to YOU,,,,but it isn't soooooo "important" to others,,,,yet they live a happy life until they die. You can argue that they can't(be happy),,,,only because of what you believe to be true. But,,,, I will ask,,,,,how do you know?????? Is it because you get uncomfortable during your periods of time without "another"???? If it is,,,then it brings up other questions,,,doesn't it????
I see people and our North American society as a whole,,,a little differently than you. I don't look at what they do/or have done to me as a person to determine "injustices". I see what people have done,,,,what they continue to do,,,,and the reasons they do it.And I personally don't like the continuation of their actions either. People,,,as a whole are a simple breed. There are the few that will take me to where I want to be,,,,,not because of the bricks that I have layed,,,,not because of what "others" have done to me(personally) in the past. It's because,,,,people do what they do.
Cripers,,,,I didn't want to do what I just did,,,but I ended up doing it anyways. We could get into even more of a long winded philosophical discussion on this one.

Not all of us are laying those Bricks sweetest,,,,they already there. Just because some of us don't enjoy banging our heads against them because we see them before we hit em,,,doesn't make us "closed" or having a "fortress" around us. It just make us a little smarter for the time the "real" ones come around. It's called time management,,,cause ya know,,,,none of us are gonna live forever,,,and I've got a few things to do,,,and some of em don't "require" a significant other to do em. I will agree,,,nice to have at times,,,,but NOT a requirement.
Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Over 45 & there must be something Why we can't find thee.