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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > How do I move on?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 3
How do I move on?Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)

He dates others and wants me to do the same.

And you were going to get married to him last month? Was he 'dating others' while you were planning this?

I don't know what to do? My friends think he is jerk. I can't seem to let go of him. Any advice?

I think you should listen to your friends.
 Delete_Me_Please
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 6
How do I move on?
Posted: 8/15/2010 4:17:54 PM
You said it yourself: he leaves and doesn't speak to you for weeks, then he comes back. He's calling the shots and you're just a door mat so if that's the sort of relationship you want to continue, then keep waiting by the phone for him to call for the next round, but don't expect any promises like "this time I'm here for good" to actually pan out.

It's hard to get over someone you really care about, even if they didn't treat you all that well. It usually takes a determination to leave the old relationship in the past and a willingness to find something new.
 Lint Spotter
Joined: 8/27/2009
Msg: 7
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How do I move on?
Posted: 8/15/2010 4:29:41 PM
He's dating others... that would be my queue to move along. Single is better than standing in line for someone that's using you like a yo-yo.
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 8
How do I move on?
Posted: 8/15/2010 4:33:07 PM
I am unable to date because I still love him. I don't know what to do? My friends think he is jerk. I can't seem to let go of him. Any advice?


IF you are a classylady, start acting like one and find a classy new man.. That's what will work for the long run. Do it now for both you and your daughters sake..

Really listen to your friends and YOURSELF.. Change your phone number and your door key..
Be busy for the next 2 months going to plays/concerts/w new friends whenever he tries to see you again..


He promises to be nicer to me. Then he walks out the door and doesn't talk to me for weeks at a time.


You don't control what HE does, you decide what YOU do based on your direct experience..
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 10
How do I move on?
Posted: 8/15/2010 5:32:38 PM
He promises to be nicer to me. Then he walks out the door and doesn't talk to me for weeks at a time.

Does this sound like the actions of someone who actually cares about you? Someone who even remotely gives a crap about you?

I know eventually he will be back, he keeps doing this over and over again. I am so confused and frustrated with all of it.

Repeat the above questions...

I want him to just stay with me, the way it was before he got cold feet.

Why should he, because you've pretty much given him the OK that no matter how much of a doormat he treats you like, you'll keep taking him back. *YOU* are teaching him that its ok, because you keep accepting/tolerating it. Quit enabling his behavior!

My friends think he is a jerk.

Your friends are correct, and they see him for who he really is.

He tells me how much he desires and cares about me, how happy he is when he is with me.

I've said it many times on here, as have many others - WORDS MEAN NOTHING unless they are backed up by ACTIONS that match them. He's USING you, he knows you aren't holding him to his actions and he can just spout out words about his desire and how happy he is with you, and you just keep eating it up. Meanwhile, his EVERY ACTION are those of someone who doesn't give a crap about you or your feelings. We teach people how to treat us by what we accept - what are you teaching him?
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 13
How do I move on?
Posted: 8/15/2010 7:34:05 PM
You, OP, need to stop 'texting him telling him you miss him', stop taking his calls, and stop letting him waltz back into your life for a day here and there.

Look, he 'promises' to be nicer to you... and then walks out the door and doesn't call you for 'weeks at a time'. How are those promises holding up? This is really a guy you want back, a guy who promises things and then breaks that promise, repeatedly? A guy who tells you how much he desires and cares about you, and then walks out the door to go see someone else? What, pray tell, makes this man 'great guy' material?

Ask yourself this - take a step back and imagine this thread was started by someone else entirely, say it was started by a good female friend of yours. Now read the first post. What would you tell your friend about this guy she's hung up on? Seriously, from a totally neutral point of view reading it, what would you tell someone?

Now do what you would tell them to do.
 olschoolpapi
Joined: 12/9/2007
Msg: 14
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Submissive to A Emotional Pimp--grow some..
Posted: 8/15/2010 8:48:33 PM
The right brain have spoken, and u dear are still stuck on stupid...why ? ITS FEAR baby, its the thought of what Mr.BadBoy Police Man could do to you, and none of the well intentioned genuises could do a damn thing to help you...
image this, u start playing hard to get--we know u have'nt hit rock bottom and r not ready for that, but check this out, ..he shows up in the middle on the night, u have a new man now but he is in uniform and he makes a dramatic entrance, say he bust in a window or door and comes in, tells you "Baby if I cant have u nobody cans with a gun in his hand....wadda ya'll do??? it may sound funny but its actually tragic, and u are to blame!!!
which one of these on-line experts gonna drop what there doing and dial 911 fo ya, or even come to your funeral, fo'get a'bout it...I know I'll be busy watching paint dry.
dont want to be stuck on stupid anymore?, first admit u cant have great sex with Mr. Police Man, as he is using that to manupulate u ;get u a dildo, learn or pleasure yourself, grandmothers who knew a thang or 2 in da south, would say "the best way to get over a man is to get under another"..but u r definately not strong enough fo' confrontations(you know what I think you are in serious trouble and in need of professional help--I will not opinionate any further cause I'm getting badd bad vibes about the victim role you cant shake , and even in the movies we Americans love the person who grow some Balls and handle abuse saying "enough is enough" losers n quitters r written about all the time, we just dont mention their names.....talk to his watch commander, internal affairs H/R, see a pyschologist if u cant do that stop by the cemetary and pick u out a nice plot, tumb stone, and get u some burial insurance..then u can keep on doing what u been doing expecting different results.
 Pingshooter
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 16
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How do I move on?
Posted: 8/16/2010 5:21:41 PM

Ok, he's a cop but not all cops are dirty and he does have a boss so this is how I would handle it.....

Save all the text and the call history and take your phone to the PD, show it to his boss and tell him you want it stopped and if it doesn't you are going to file charges on him.


You can lodge a complaint against him, cops are judged differently then others. His non-police demeanor/action will impact his job. He could lose it for conduct that is unbecoming, even though it is non-police related.

I have no idea who this guy is, but I am retired from 30+ years in police work, and reading what you have written..why are you hanging onto this dude?

Yes, I know it's emotionally hard..been there, done that. But, what is it about him that you have latched onto and won't let go? He treats you like chit..and you still hang..why?

You can have a better man, regardless of what his profession is..do YOURSELF a favor, dump this chump..now.
 stone-1
Joined: 3/26/2009
Msg: 17
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How do I move on?
Posted: 8/16/2010 9:10:46 PM

He must not be that into her if he keeps coming back to me.


And?

Let's say that he comes to his senses... Decides to marry you... Would you really be able to trust him after what he's put you through?

It's ok to feel strongly, and to be unable to take an interest in seeing anyone else...

It isn't OK to keep sharing him when you don't want to share...
Let the other woman have him...

As others have advised, don't answer his calls, don't read his texts, get out of the house, don't be there when he comes knocking... IF you are serious about making this problem stop... OR get used to sharing... enjoy all the extra time you have that would be absorbed by a normal relationship.
 jamie9562
Joined: 7/15/2007
Msg: 18
How do I move on?
Posted: 8/17/2010 12:44:43 AM
to all the busybody's! shut up! i have a really good thing going with this dopey broad so could you all just be quiet and let me continue to string her along with promises i have no intention of keeping,,,

jeez,,don't listen to them baby,,you know you the only women for me! i love you baby,,hang in there...ummm which one are you again?
i get all you stupid broads mixed up,,,christ,,it's like juggling dummies,,,

but you girls dig the uniform and i am doing my best to get to all of you,,,so hang in there and pay no attention to the poster,,she knows she has no self-esteem and will keep doing exactly what i want her to do,,i picked her for her lack of self-esteem,,,i'm good at it,,,police training and all....

your the only women for me! in ohio,,currently
 VivaciousVixen2010
Joined: 7/12/2008
Msg: 19
How do I move on?
Posted: 8/17/2010 2:44:42 AM
you are hanging on to a dream.
some disillusion fantasy .
the reality of who this man really is is a liar,
player, deceptive, user and selfish.
He has no concern for you or your
feelings.
AND
You already know that
what do you think..
That you are going to redeem him into
loving you?
POOF!!!!!! Make him "real"
The leopard has shown his stripes.
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 20
How do I move on?
Posted: 8/17/2010 2:04:00 PM
Easy answer to "How do I move on?" is... by moving on.
You stop taking/replying to his texts/calls, you just delete them. You stop running over there and/or taking him back, you leave him alone and make it plain you want nothing to do with him and... you MOVE ON.

Nobody says its easy, emotionally.. but you just do it, and you will find that it *does* become easier the longer you keep doing and keep him out of your life.
 Cynderella
Joined: 3/8/2007
Msg: 21
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History
How do I move on?
Posted: 8/18/2010 11:25:18 PM
Repeat over and over...

I am Loving and I deserve to be Loved

Then Love yourself the most the rest will fall into place.

Good Luck...
 Cynderella
Joined: 3/8/2007
Msg: 23
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History
How do I move on?
Posted: 8/19/2010 7:24:32 PM

My heart is broken and I am so sad, but I know I deserve better than the way he is treating me.


This is your first step...you do deserve better!!!
 JP1111
Joined: 4/13/2008
Msg: 24
How do I move on?
Posted: 8/19/2010 7:38:14 PM
It seems rather obvious that the idea of getting married again seems to be eating away at him. When he's with you, that thought seems to be distracted but when he leaves you, it comes back and can be thinking of “what does this mean and what am I doing?”.

Put his mind at ease by telling him that marriage is not important since it is HIM you want to be with.
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 26
How do I move on?
Posted: 8/29/2010 4:39:11 PM

Guess what all, he came back and told me he is breaking up with the current gf. Says he has missed me and wants to date me again.


Mistake #1 - you shouldn't be bothering to talk to this guy again. What hold does this guy have on you? Why do you keep letting him back?


Well, I told him he needs to be true to just me and he said he is still not sure what he wants. I told him he needs to be with just me cause I can't take the drama. He said he will let me know.


Boom, too bad, I would *know* by now - he doesn't need to be with "just you", he needs to be with whoever he wants to be with and *YOU* need to move on and forget about this loser.


I asked him when he was going to tell her. He told me that I'm being to pushy and that makes him run from me!! How crazy, He's the one who told me he was leaving her. He said he wants to do it slowly. Then start dating me again. I don't believe him.


Ya think? Realistically, *if* you take this guy back (and I DEFINITELY DO ***NOT*** think you should), he's already shown his colors. You *know* inside yourself he'd just leave again... listen to that part of you... and...


All I said was I would like to stop by this weekend to talk


Why on earth would you bother?!?!?! This guy is a loser, dump his ass... don't stop by to "talk" to him, pick up the phone and say "Do not *ever* call me again, its over." Period. End of story. You deserve a *whole f**king lot better* than this loser.


I know the problem the other girl is still there!


Of course she is... and when she isn't he'll run back to you until the next one comes along, and then he'll walking away for her, and then running back when that doesn't work, and then run off to the next one, and then... get the picture? get what we've all been saying? This guy has made it 1000% clear he DOESN'T WANT *YOU*, he wants to keep you clinging on. You are his BACKUP plan. You will always be his backup plan. He will use you for his backup plan when/if this 'other girl' gets tired of him, until he finds someone else 'better' than you.

You need to STOP thinking "the other girl" is the problem - can you not see that this other girl isn't the problem, the problem is HIS problem in that he has no clue what he wants, and YOUR problem that you seem to be friggen obsessed with this guy!


He hurts me so much!


And you will KEEP GETTING HURT UNTIL YOU DO THE RIGHT THING AND DUMP HIS A**! Understand - *HE* is not "hurting you" at this point, *YOU* are hurting you! You are keeping yourself hung up on this guy, who is incapable of having a real relationship with you (or probably anyone). You are NOT going to find 'happiness' with this guy - EVER. If *you* want to stop hurting, then *you* need to move on and find SOMEONE ELSE - not this loser, who will make you happy.
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 27
How do I move on?
Posted: 8/29/2010 4:50:49 PM
Guess what all, he came back and told me he is breaking up with the current gf. Says he has missed me and wants to date me again. He said he will let me know. He hasn't broken up with the gf yet, this has been over a week ago. He is mad at me already for being too pushy. All I said was I would like to stop by this weekend to talk. He hurts me so much!


We told you so? And you didn't change your phone number and key yet? It's all about him AGAIN! Good luck being the doormat for his revolving door harem... We tried..

Done trying here, see you next year with your same complaints about HIM...

VV you know, dear, some people just NEED that slap in the face to start to change dysfunctional behavior..
Especially when they come on POFerland Forums literally asking for help to move on and then DON'T...
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 28
How do I move on?
Posted: 8/29/2010 5:32:38 PM

VV you know, dear, some people just NEED that slap in the face to start to change dysfunctional behavior..
Especially when they come on POFerland Forums literally asking for help to move on and then DON'T...


You put your hand on the hot stove and burn yourself, it hurts - I tell you, awww, here put some ointment on it or something... and I tell you not to touch the stove.

You put your hand on the hot stove the next day and burn yourself again - I tell you, go get the ointment and put it on your hand, put some ice on it or something - and this is twice now, you need to learn that you should stay away from a hot stove.

You put your hand on the hot stove again the next day, yet again... either you are doing it for the attention, or you are stupid, because nobody *wants* to burn their hand on the stove 3 days in a row, especially after being told several times before to stay away from the damn stove! Its not the stove's fault - its yours - that you keep getting burned and hurt.
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 29
How do I move on?
Posted: 8/29/2010 6:13:46 PM
I think when it comes to love and dealing with emotions is slightly different than burning your hand on the stove..


Spoken here as someone who has *done* exactly what the OP is doing, for a couple of years after she walked out on me for another guy - NO, its not. I kept getting *myself* hurt over and over, she'd call up and I'd be there... until I wasn't - and it was *my* choice to stop answering the phone, and stop being there as her 'backup' (first real love). Best thing I ever did *for myself*... she was my 'hot stove', and until I stopped what I was doing, I would have just kept getting hurt. Instead, I've had some pretty good relationships since. I would like to see the OP stop 'burning herself' on this guy, and move on, before she spends a couple years pining after someone who doesn't give a crap about her (like I did).

If I could go back in time and whap myself across the head with a 2x4 (like I wish someone had back then) I would.
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 31
How do I move on?
Posted: 9/8/2010 2:32:54 PM

He doesn't feel he has done anything wrong. says he is just trying to find himself!! Wow, by using women!!


Now you are starting to see the light!
Do you really want a guy who "doesn't feel he's done anything wrong" by leaving you for another woman and then playing you for an emotional yo-yo?


He said he still misses me and I am the best sex he has ever had!


Not to put you down, but... he left you and is boffing some other woman because "you were the best sex he ever had"? No mention of "love" there huh? He just "misses you" (hint: he misses the sex, not *you* the person). Would you treat someone you love the way he's been treating you? Leaving them with a planned wedding to find someone else?


I hope I can get over this quickly and find a nice, wonderful man that will love me and appreciate what I do for him.


You will , although "quickly" is of course relative - and I'd say relative to how completely you keep him out of your life, stop taking those calls, etc.
 bamaangel642002
Joined: 7/16/2007
Msg: 33
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How do I move on?
Posted: 10/7/2017 3:42:06 PM
i don,t know. i would also like to know this. i have been with this guy on and off for a while, and he has treated me just awful but i can,t stop loving him. hes like a drug to me or something. i just can,t seem to move on from him. i have had my family and friends to tell me how bad he is and how much better off i am with out him but getting my heart to belive that is the hard thing. all of these people who are telling this woman to do this or that how many of you could follow your own advise?
 bamaangel642002
Joined: 7/16/2007
Msg: 34
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How do I move on?
Posted: 10/7/2017 3:42:51 PM
i don,t know. i would also like to know this. i have been with this guy on and off for a while, and he has treated me just awful but i can,t stop loving him. hes like a drug to me or something. i just can,t seem to move on from him. i have had my family and friends to tell me how bad he is and how much better off i am with out him but getting my heart to belive that is the hard thing. all of these people who are telling this woman to do this or that how many of you could follow your own advise?
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 35
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History
How do I move on?
Posted: 10/7/2017 4:30:21 PM
You don't love him, you love the drama.
 MsSkeezix
Joined: 7/1/2017
Msg: 36
How do I move on?
Posted: 10/7/2017 4:47:13 PM
You love thinking you are his helpless victim, prisoner of LUV, if you debase yourself enough, satisfaction and fulfillment will be yours~

Does that not sound weird to you?

If it doesn't, well, I guess you've found your soul mate.

Carry on~
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 37
How do I move on?
Posted: 10/10/2017 5:34:47 AM
Like you said, he's like a drug. He gives you a rush, and we all love feeling pleasure. Like any other addiction, the way to move on is to learn about yourself, respect what you find, and thus get disgusted with the price you have to pay (in his bad behavior) in order to get that rush. Typically, you'll end up exchanging that rush for another rush in life, and that other substitute is the one you'll end up chasing after. Until then, you'll be like that proverbial lab rat that hits the button for cocaine and ignores the button for the food pellet.
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