Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Single Parents  > WOOT! Single dad that got the boy!      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Maillesmith
Joined: 7/13/2010
Msg: 1
WOOT! Single dad that got the boy!Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Just wondering how many other single dads there are that gained custody of their child.

My son is 7 months old, and due to various reasons, after we broke up I retained custody of him and moved half-way across the country while the mother willingly stayed in Alberta. There was no fight, no lawyers - just private, legal agreement between the two of us.

Now it sucks because I want nothing to do with the woman, but I am required to communicate with her on a daily basis due to our agreement (that I would facilitate 5 hours a week of internet conversation with her son). Because of his age, these conversations are normally between the mother and I, and when I try to get her to speak with the kid only, silence ensues.

She's still using me as an emotional sounding board (I actually screamed at the phone after hanging up today) and is using this "visits" via webcam to attempt to make me feel sorry for her, or to get me to sympathize with the situation that she agreed to and put herself in.


Any other Dads go through this?
 06mc69
Joined: 8/31/2009
Msg: 2
WOOT! Single dad that got the boy!
Posted: 9/4/2010 9:15:38 PM
Am pretty sure you have good reasons why you have custody of your child, and if your situation is better than that of the mother's then am happy for you.. Obviously she still has feelings for you, but, that is besides the point, you HAVE to communicate with her til your child is 18 years old, and even after that with grandchildren. Both of you need to learn to communicate and get along for the child's sake.
 Maillesmith
Joined: 7/13/2010
Msg: 3
WOOT! Single dad that got the boy!
Posted: 9/4/2010 9:38:51 PM
I'm being voted to be deleted for a redundant subject?

How about I don't want my question and any answers to be lost in a 20-30 page topic?

I am aware that I cannot just break off the communication with the woman, nor do I wish to for the sake of the child. What I am getting tired of is her needing me for emotional support and validation - which I am no longer obligated to provide for her. Yes, I know my life is tied to hers for at least the next 18 years, but personally I think she isn't going to "stick to the agreement" for that long, and either give up trying to be his mother (which she did for the most part when we were together) or do something foolhardy and illegal.

Yes, I am well aware that she still has feelings for me; she has asked me in every conversation if I think that we might get together in the future and how she is terribly sorry for screwing up the life that she wanted to build with me. She's gone so far as to inform me that she slept with a couple people in the WEEK that we've been separated and that no one can satisfy her like I can (puffs out chest).

What I want to know is if there are many men that have experienced this same thing, and how they managed to walk the fine line of being amicable and considerate to the other person's rights and wishes.

And to whoever voted that this be removed... Get a life. Someone asks a question and for advice and just because you may have read it before, or think I'm bragging, you move to have my question struck from the archives. I don't have many outlets or resources to reach for, and I thought this would be an appropriate place to ask given the number of users that frequent the forums.
 shylady83
Joined: 8/18/2010
Msg: 4
WOOT! Single dad that got the boy!
Posted: 9/4/2010 9:52:14 PM
OP,


What I am getting tired of is her needing me for emotional support and validation - which I am no longer obligated to provide for her.



If this is what is happening then inform her that u have no interest in her life or feelings unless it is related directly to your son, hers and your relationship is over and it is going to stay that way and that if she cannot respect that you have no interest in bein her sounding board then you will make other arrangements for her to communicate with her son.

with that bein said, is there someone else that can sit with your son while there is communication between them. I know u said that unless u do the talking she is otherwise silent, but if that is the way she wants to be then let her, she is the one that is going to loose in the end when she doesn't form any kind of bond with her child. You are trying by making the arrangements and following through therefore your responsibility stops there. It is not up to you to keep the conversation going. Being a mom myself there is definelty not a silent moment between me and my daughter and I have custody and have her 24/7, i couldn't imagine going more than a few hrs without talkin to her and if she can't communicate with her son for little amount of time she gets her problem not yours.
 Maillesmith
Joined: 7/13/2010
Msg: 5
WOOT! Single dad that got the boy!
Posted: 9/4/2010 9:56:05 PM

my exwife was pretty unstable and unable to truly care for our child. It's kind of sad, because she's managed to make things worse for herself. I really wish she would find some stability and make a better life for herself so she could have a strong rich relationship with her daughter


Thanks 4sd... that's much along the lines of my situation. She had a horrendous pregnancy that nearly killed her (from day one to the moment she had an emergency c-section) and I was a "man" and cared for her through the entire thing. I would come home during my 15 minute break (and my lunch and my subsequent break in the afternoon - DAILY) at work to bring her to the bathroom to relieve herself and had to hold her up in the shower so she could clean herself.

It was emotionally, physically and mentally trying on the both of us, and she suffered lasting effects from the trauma. Before you say I'm a monster for taking the child away from a woman that suffered so much for her baby, consider the fact that she refused to take prescribed medication for her "PPD", refused to speak to a COURT ORDERED counselor on an on-going basis and sought the comfort of another man several times rather then let me help her deal with the problems.

That's the circumstance that ended our relationship

This eventually boiled down to resentment on my behalf, as I couldn't lax on my responsibilities, (as my family would go hungry and homeless) and that she expected me to perform hers as well. The last few months of our relationship, I spent in a cloud of frustration and anger at a multitude of broken promises she made to me before we attempted to have a child, while she was pregnant, and after the child was born.

Now, she wants the child, but isn't willing to do what it takes to care for him properly. . She has lied to me about having a job and the ability to pay for his care since we split, and she seems to falling into a downward spiral of self-pity and despair that she won't get her son again - rather then using it as incentive to pick herself up by the bootstraps and accomplish what she needs to do to make herself a better person for both our son's and her sake.

I don't ask her for any monetarily support, for anything. I made enough money before we split that I am entitled to several months of parental leave, while she is not as she did not work before we conceived. Other then to make her life better so she can provide well and nurture our child - ask nothing of her; that is aside from accepting the fact that we are through and we each need to lead our OWN lives.





Why is it I always hear so much about woman complaining about dead-beat dads, but when I post the same regarding the mother, I get hatemail?
 Maillesmith
Joined: 7/13/2010
Msg: 6
WOOT! Single dad that got the boy!
Posted: 9/4/2010 10:06:09 PM
In Response to shy lady:

She isn't too understanding of the fact that he is 7 months old and has no association with a picture on a computer screen, and isn't willing to take the time to establish a routine and wait until it dawns on him that it is his mother on the screen. He recognizes her voice, quite clearly, as he gets excited when he hears it and tries to eat the phone.

I have received much the same advice from my parents: "You are not obligated to make her feel better about the situation, but to follow your prescribed agreement of a minimum of 5 hours per week via webcam and telephone."

We've broken the meetings down to 3-4 15 minute sessions 5-6 days a week in order to make it easier for the boy (no 7 month old will sit still for an hour, hard enough to try for 15 minutes without him getting bored.) It essentially seems like we haven't broken up, but are just continuing a long-distance relationship. My life, schedule and time with my family and son have been adversely affected by this arrangement ( I can't leave the blasted house for more then 3 hours for fear of breaking the agreement)

I can have one of his grandmothers sit in on the meeting in exchange for me, but I can't ask them to provide this for me on a regular or daily basis. They have their lives too.

Thanks for your input.
 readthedamnprofile
Joined: 5/5/2010
Msg: 7
WOOT! Single dad that got the boy!
Posted: 9/5/2010 11:25:59 AM
I know you are asking for responses from men in similar situations but, I am married to a man that has three kids from a previous marriage and have some experience in dealing with emotional train wreck exes. I ended up raising my husband's middle child last year after his mother had a mental meltdown. She had the kid on ADD meds when he clearly did not have the disorder, she stole money from him after putting him to work thirty plus hours a day which clearly violates child labour laws, threatened to kick him out or send him to foster care at least once a month because he was disrupting her household and interferring with her new relationship and so on and so forth.

Now, keep in mind this woman lived in Alberta and we live in New Brunswick so jumping in the car and going to get the boy was out of the question. We did take custody of him when the school year ended and kept him for a year. Then he went for a visit over the summer and now, because mom's financial situation is looking up, she can buy him all the things he wants and lets him do whatever the hell he pleases in order to con him into living with her so she can get child support out of my husband again, he is going to live with her again. I suspect the drama will start up again in about a month or two. This is not going to end until both of the minor children are eighteen and I have had to accept that or leave my husband over it. Seeing as they are not babies and there is a light at the end of this tunnel I have decided to stick it out but, I know there are going to be times when Iam going to want to smack the stupid off this woman.

In the meantime, my husband and this woman refuse to talk to one another due to past disputes and all communications regarding their children have to be run through me. It is so frustrating I want to knock both their heads together. What I will say to you is this, before you get involved in another relationship, deal with your ex and her need to have you support her emotionally because it is going to be hard enough for a woman coming into your life to deal with the fact that you have a ready made family without her having to put up with a psychotic ex who is still clinging to you. That will be a deal breaker for a lot of women. I know if I had of known things were going to go this way before I moved in with my now husband I would not have started down this path.

I suggest you tell your ex that while you will be following the terms of the legal agreement you have with her regarding your son, your obligations towards and responsibility for her are over and you will not be reestablishing any bonds of that kind with her now, or anytime in the future. The firmer you are with her in a consistent manner the sooner she will get it through her head that you are done propping her up and that will be in both of your best interests in the long run. You will get the relief you want form dealing with her and she will have to move on and restart her life without you.
 Maillesmith
Joined: 7/13/2010
Msg: 8
WOOT! Single dad that got the boy!
Posted: 9/5/2010 6:10:25 PM
You didn't read the post did you Flutterby?

I yelled at the phone AFTER HANGING UP because I don't have the heart to tell her to jump in a lake and that I am not her emotional support anymore. I don't do this, because I feel if I told her this bluntly that she would do something stupid. I had this phone conversation in the garage while the baby was sleeping in his crib, so I didn't disturb her.

And when did I complain that the agreement is not suitable for me? I stated that I am putting her wants and needs ahead of mine, therefore sacrificing my life, wants and needs in exchange for her pleasure and comfort, at which point in our lives I shouldn't have to facilitate.

This is what I'm talking about, instantly, I am the bad guy. If you had read through the messages posted before, you would have learned that she was not taking care of the child properly and it seemed that she regretted having the child in the first place. She laxed on her duties (and to hell with all you self-absorbed femisitas saying that I should have done my part, shove it up your "you know whats") and I had to pick up the pieces and the slack after working the entire day to feed her as well as our son. And then I had to endure her barbed comments about how I got to run off all day while she did the real work.

-- I bleed more in a week to feed, clothe and house her then she would in a month, if you excuse the profane comment.

We broke off the relationship because the two of us fought and it was not an environment to raise a child. I had caught her attempting to cheat on me on 4 different occasions (e-mails, pof account and phone calls), and she is now wondering why I'm talking to old high school friends and feels it appropriate to tell me who she slept with in the past week.

So, yes, she is a "dead beat mum" if I were to put a label on it. She doesn't pay a thing for him, has no intentions to, and in my opinion - DEPRESSION IS NOT AN EXCUSE TO NOT CARE FOR YOU CHILD PROPERLY. Nor is an excuse to make your partner feel like shit for caring for you on a daily basis, or any of that crap. It may be a medical condition... But when you're depressed, and someone relies on you; suck it up or get the hell out of dodge.

And why can't I gloat in my title? I'm proud of the fact that I got my son and that I have the ability to care for him on my own. Wouldn't you be?

So since I don't know you - Go jump in a lake. That is not advice, nor is it constructive in anyway. You just used this opportunity to insult me, and other single dads in general.


One nightengagement on the other hand, had something productive to say. thanks for your input, and I have the following to say:

I am not looking to be involved with any other woman, save a friendship and/or sex and I am 100% completely honest about this with every woman I may speak to in this capacity. No other reason - for I don't want to confuse my child about who is mother is. I have stated before I would prefer she get her shit together so she can have a healthy relationship with her son.

What you suggested regarding the legal agreement and firmly telling her that this is the situation and that I am not her emotional support anymore is exactly what I am aiming for. In my opinion, when you break it off with someone, you are no longer obligated to make them feel good about themselves.

Sorry the boy woke... Will finish later.
 ~JustSimplyMe~
Joined: 8/18/2006
Msg: 9
view profile
History
WOOT! Single dad that got the boy!
Posted: 9/5/2010 6:11:43 PM
The only thing I'm having a hard time with is the internet conversations with a 7 month old baby.
I could see it if the child was 2 or 3 and able to communicate with his parent, but at 7 months? Seriously.

Because of his age, these conversations are normally between the mother and I, and when I try to get her to speak with the kid only, silence ensues.

Of course silence ensues, its extremely difficult to converse with a child via webcam.
 Maillesmith
Joined: 7/13/2010
Msg: 10
WOOT! Single dad that got the boy!
Posted: 9/5/2010 6:38:22 PM
And how else would you suggest facilitating a chance for his mother who is 2800km away to see him?

I'm aware that he can't grasp the concept of her being on the screen, but after months of repetition and routine doing this will it begin to dawn on him that it a person on the computer screen, and that the person is also his mommy who is talking through the phone.

I try to tell her this, and all I get is blubbering and tears. I'm trying to be understanding and compassionate during this time - but when the other party is either unwilling to be patient or unable to accept this fact, what can I do?

As someone before you said... they could easily keep a one sided conversation with their child (I do it daily), and if she sees the recognition and excitement from hearing her voice, wouldn't that be cause to continue talking to him until he manages to grasp the extremely difficult concept?

Again, I'm not going the webcam to talk to her, I'm doing it so she can have what time she can with her son. She has the option to return to Ontario where her son is (her family has offered to fly her here and put her up until she got back on her feet), she is the one making the choice not to.
 ohwhynot46
Joined: 6/28/2009
Msg: 11
view profile
History
WOOT! Single dad that got the boy!
Posted: 9/5/2010 8:06:28 PM
It seems fairly obvious to me that she suffers from some form of depression, and that perhaps you might not be as understanding as one might hope, but, no matter, as far as what's important. You do seem to be doing the right thing by your child. I'm not quite sure what you're asking.... I mean, you didn't post on "Ask a Guy", but the only question I see is directed towards men. As far as her leaning on you, while you may not appreciate it, it is possible that that is merely your reactive assumption to what is obviously an extreme emotional reation she has that she is not dealing with properly. Not your problem, and hopefully, she will address her own issues. In the meantime, you seem to be doing okay, so hopefully, before the child is older, she'll straighten out. Good luck!
 Maillesmith
Joined: 7/13/2010
Msg: 12
WOOT! Single dad that got the boy!
Posted: 9/5/2010 8:36:18 PM
I wasn't quite sure if I should post in Ask a guy, or in Single Parents as it could pertain to either forum.

I have been quite understanding for several months (since before my child was born) but I had enough of being the only sane one in our relationship, as it was causing me to lose my tentative grasp on that.

What I'm asking primarily, and I suppose this has gotten slightly off topic with being flamed and insulted and my responses to such, is what have other guys done in the same situation if they have been in it.

--- hey MODS, can this topic be moved to "Ask a Guy" would that be more appropriate?
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 13
view profile
History
WOOT! Single dad that got the boy!
Posted: 9/6/2010 11:43:52 AM
You have to accept the webcalls for what they are, but you can cut them off the minute she starts whining or looking for anything from you. Just hold the baby and answer yes or no questions. You cannot change her, only the way you react to her strangeness. Your son is now luckily surrounded by family and you can talk to them ALONE if you get stressed, the baby should not have to see or hear you throw a tantrum every time the crazy Ex pisses you off. You have to maintain a cool head as a parent.
PS: I hope you are smart enough to have legal custody and establish some level of financial support from her. Even $10 a week will help pay for diapers, don't assume that she will never come after her kid if she straightens up, postpartum depression does not last forever. Moving and taking him with you may be the most convenient thing but it could work against you in the future. Good luck.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 14
view profile
History
WOOT! Single dad that got the boy!
Posted: 9/6/2010 12:38:56 PM
The best that I can suggest, having been married to a bipolar woman who on occasion threw her own THREE YEAR OLD SON out of the house, and told him to leave, is that you will be best off if you sit down and work out your own boundaries and plans, and stick to them DISPASSIONATELY.
The fact that she has many problems, not all of which are her fault isn't the issue. I have a "wise saying" I use for such things, which is that "It may not be your fault, but that doesn't mean it isn't your problem." In her case, that means that just because it isn't HER fault that she's unbalanced, doesn't make it YOUR, or any one else's responsibility.
It sounds as though you are already on the right track, making up a general plan on how to fulfill your obligations to let her have regular contact with the child, and you are also realistic about how the child is able to comprehend things.
That she went through hell in the birthing of the child has nothing to do with the here and now of raising it. That was then, this is now. It may not seem fair to some people, but in reality no matter what ANY of us go through in life to get somewhere, we don't get any "credits" for our pains, that let us off the hook for behaving responsibly in the present and future. It's just like the fact that you paid your mortgage for many years on time, doesn't obligate your lender to allow you to stop paying altogether now.
So stay the course you are on. If it is like my experience, it will be tough no matter what, and that is YOUR "problem" as my wise saying goes. It sounds as though you are already doing as well as a person can. Keep it up.
 shylady83
Joined: 8/18/2010
Msg: 15
WOOT! Single dad that got the boy!
Posted: 9/6/2010 1:10:12 PM

That she went through hell in the birthing of the child has nothing to do with the here and now of raising it. That was then, this is now.


I totally agree with igor on this point. I myself had a similar situtaion when i was pregnant with my daughter. I almost lost her at 25wks and was put on strict bed rest. Fortunetly for me i carried full term but it didn't stop there. I was in labour for 3days (during which time i couldn't sleep cause of the contractions) before finally dialating more then 1centimteter and being admitted into the hospital. I went through 17hrs of hard labour (no epideral), made it to 9 1/2 centimeters and despite 1 1/2hrs of pushin, I wound up needin an emergency c-section myself or I would have lost my daughter. After comin home I still had problems cause my incision was ripped open and became infected and i required 4mths of home care to have it packed. My point being here in sharing my story with you op is that everyone has their own story and PPD is not an excuse for not caring for her child. Despite what I went through and being exaughsted and emotionally damaged (issues with the dad) and yes getting PPD myself, I still took VERY good care of my daughter and i didn't have my SO like she did for the first few mths, i did it BY MY SELF from the time she waas 3days old. So op do not feel bad for leaving or not havin anymore sympathy left for her, there is things she can do to better herself and her life and if she chooses not too then too bad for her.
 KiwiBassist
Joined: 5/24/2010
Msg: 16
WOOT! Single dad that got the boy!
Posted: 9/6/2010 2:30:08 PM
I have one question for you OP, why did you move the child so far away from his/her mother? Was this intentional in hoping mother would do into a deeper depression, therefore you could use it against her saying she is depressed because she won't be able to see her child because YOU moved so far away.

That is scary to think parents purposly would do that to the child, keep the other one out of their life. It doesn't matter what her mental issues are, she is the child's mother, and the child has a right to physically see his mother regardless, be it supervised for safety or whatever.

I think it is totally selfish of you to move so far away, and its not the mother I am sympathizing with, it is the child. My father had custody of us, my brother and I, he remarried and kept us from our mother saying she was mentally unstable, we both resent him for it, my brother has always referred to the new woman as the step monster.

Anyway if your ex is the mother of the child, what a horrendous thing to do, knock someone while they are already down. She can't help PPD, and running away to another province doesn't help matters much, good going. Betcha had it been the other way around you would have been here wondering how to deal with her running away with your child.
 Beyond the Cleavage
Joined: 6/5/2010
Msg: 17
WOOT! Single dad that got the boy!
Posted: 9/6/2010 2:46:33 PM
I know you don't think your son needs a mother but...he does. And you chose his mother. So it's up to you to allow your son and his mother to build up some sort of relationship.
Yes, she totally pisses you off. Yes, she's a pain in your butt. Yes, you dón't like her.
But you chose to take your son a long way away from her. You owe it to him to keep the lines of communication open. You owe it to him to ensure he knows who his mother is.
Put your son before yourself. Bite your tongue, be civil and keep thinking about your son's future.
 Maillesmith
Joined: 7/13/2010
Msg: 18
WOOT! Single dad that got the boy!
Posted: 9/6/2010 6:34:55 PM

So basically what you are saying is that you have no formal custody agreement with the mother....and moved to Ontario without any type of court order and now your ****in about having to deal with your child's mother about 5 hours a week over the phone?....wow....good parenting on your part!! Way to avoid those lawyers fees!
Scoop the babe and run....they make movie's of the week about people like you!

One only has to read your profile to see that you need all the extra funds you can save to pay for the insurance on your motorcycle...Lemme guess..your living at home with your parents right now aren't you?
GROW UP!!! A responsible parent does not have to have a gender assigned to the role...just some common sense and responsibility...I wanted to throw up after reading your post....and after reading your profile I puked in my mouth just a little...


Another person that doesn't read posts?

I mentioned no-where that I didn't have an agreement, in fact I mentioned several times that agreements have been made with his mother in several aspects. We have a perfectly legally binding PRIVATE contract that protects her rights as much as mine. I have to ask her permission to move residences, and then gain her approval. And I am perfectly fine with this fact. Why would I bother paying lawyer fees when we both have family members involved in family law? You don't need a court order for custody of a child, but both parents have to be fully agreeable.

And if it were unfair, she didn't have to sign it. And if you really want, I can take out the identifying information and post it, and you can see how fair it is to all parties.

When it came to our child, we did what was best for him. His mother was the one that suggested that I move to Ontario, and yes I returned to live with both my mothers (don't ever say I assign gender roles, I grew up in a lesbian household). What is wrong with that? I know almost nothing about raising a child, and my mother raised both my myself and my sister; who were 2years and 2 months old, respectively. My father ran off because he realized that he didn't want children. I'm taking parental leave, because I have worked my ass off to this day to pay to have my child, I get to watch him grow and teach him for the next year. But I have to wait until the end of September before I see any of it, and until next week to receive my final paycheque from work. Did you know I left $1000 from my last pay with her so she had enough money to pay rent and eat for the next month as she had to wait 2 more weeks for her first pay? Hell, I pay for her heat and hydro until September 30th. Call me a sponge, and you're wrong. I just get help from where it's offered for a month or two.

I don't have a bike, I sold it a year ago to pay for her medical expenses that ruined us. And I don't intend on buying one until he is of age. I don't want to leave my son without a father because someone didn't look when they changed lanes.

They do make movies about people like me, tearjerkers. I'm not worried if you like my profile, I enjoy being who I am. I hope you had something tasty for dinner.




I have one question for you OP, why did you move the child so far away from his/her mother? Was this intentional in hoping mother would do into a deeper depression, therefore you could use it against her saying she is depressed because she won't be able to see her child because YOU moved so far away.


We are both from here in Ontario, and all of our family is here within a 200 mile radius. While in Edmonton, we were completely and utterly alone. We both had the option to come out here, I paid for my ticket, and would have paid for hers, but she refused the offer. SHE opted to stay in Edmonton, rather then return to Ontario and stay daily personal contact, if not living with her son. I encourage her when we talk, and she has told me straight out that she needs to finish her school and learn and grow so she has any chance of making a better life for herself and her son.



Anyway if your ex is the mother of the child, what a horrendous thing to do, knock someone while they are already down. She can't help PPD, and running away to another province doesn't help matters much, good going. Betcha had it been the other way around you would have been here wondering how to deal with her running away with your child.


She is the mother of my child, and no she cannot help PPD. But she can work at it, and take the medication that she was court -ordered to. As I stated above, I didn't knock her down, I set up her so she can sustain herself, and the rest is up to her. As I also stated near the beginning of the post - this was suggested, reviewed, agreed and signed upon by the mother.

And I'm sorry, but suffering from PPD or not, cheating is not acceptable.

-Cleavage---

I am keeping the line of communication open. I have been constantly been informing her of when he is awake, when he is sleeping (naps or bedtime), when I'm going to be out for the day, or part of it several days in advance if possible. Except for not physically being in my presence, this woman still knows what I am doing with her son at any given time. I am civil to her at all times, as I said... I was alone in the garage and I verbally assaulted the phone AFTER HANGING UP!

I want my son to know who his mother is, there is even a clause in our agreement tat stats that neither us can speak in anyway in the presence of the child that may hamper his love, or affect the views he holds for either of us.


Everyone else, thanks a great deal for your input. It helps, and I'm hoping to see some more. It's good to know that there other dads that have gone through a circumstance somewhat simular to mine. I have been looking around PoF and groups around town to find single dads of infants/toddlers, but haven't found any yet.

-That's my only intention on PoF, to find other single parents to be friends with. Why the hell would I want to get involved with another woman? That would only be confusing to the child, and set me up for another possible disaster. I still like woman, but I think they are emotional poison and I WILL NOT become emotionally attached to one for quite some time to come - years...




And all you "flamers", I am spending a long time typing this message, and enjoying "me-time" on the computer because in the past week, since the mother and I have been separated; my son has slept for the first time on a constant schedule and slept from 7pm to 7am waking only once for a feeding now 5 nights in a row. He has learned to eat solid food, and ate spaghetti for the first time this evening. His behavior has changed and he is a much happier child then 2 weeks ago because he sleeps on a regular schedule and there is no fighting in the house with the lesbian grandmas.

Moving away from his mother that was either unwilling or unable to set her child on a routine (although we had one made), has been beneficial to my child.

I still think I'm entitled to brag.
 Maillesmith
Joined: 7/13/2010
Msg: 19
WOOT! Single dad that got the boy!
Posted: 9/6/2010 7:53:16 PM
If anyone is wondering why I stated my intentions on PoF in the last post. It is because I have received more messages in the past two day then I have since I first ever signed up. And most of them decrying me being on a dating site and trying to replace his mother, although I state I am looking for a single parent for friends.
 My I
Joined: 1/23/2007
Msg: 20
WOOT! Single dad that got the boy!
Posted: 9/6/2010 8:35:34 PM

And most of them decrying me being on a dating site and trying to replace his mother

To some women in these forums, they puke just because you are dispelling their assertions that men aren't responsible and are in no way a better caretaker than mom - if mom has a problem it's your fault. These women usually speak through their vagina (sarcastic humor).

Now that you mentioned your mom being lesbian, you're all good now

It seems you are doing a great job. Hopefully mom does take advasntage of the opportunity to improve herself and her health. I witnessed a woman with severe PPD and it was terrible - wouldn't wish that upon anyone .

In the end you have to look at the big picture. You will always need an open line of communication with your ex to deal with the issues arising as the child grows. If she gets out of hand, then draw a line in the sand. But never sever communications.

You seem to be doing great as a father and an ex-mate. Helping her out is the right thing to do because she is the mother of your baby, some level of respect and concern should be extended. As well, you don't want to have the child thinking you hurt or neglected "mom".
 Maillesmith
Joined: 7/13/2010
Msg: 21
WOOT! Single dad that got the boy!
Posted: 9/6/2010 9:04:06 PM
Cheers.

That seems to be the general consensus; "draw a line in the sand", but keep my six-shooters holstered.

I want her to be well, I just want my own life now too.


Now that you mentioned your mom being lesbian, you're all good now


That was my point, in a way. I wouldn't dare be a chauvinist, my mother is bigger then I. I grew up in a broken home, and my mother had 3 major relationships with men that ended poorly and I hardly know my father (who hasn't seen his grandson yet, because he doesn't know when he can find the time). I understand where some of this is coming from. I am the seed of a dead beat dad.
 SweetnessInFlorida
Joined: 6/26/2008
Msg: 22
WOOT! Single dad that got the boy!
Posted: 9/8/2010 10:27:03 AM
Assuming she is not an addict or violent criminal, your son does need a mother, even if it is best for him to be with you, fostering communication between them should be of utmost importance. Let them webcam and talk on the phone all they want!!! Soon enough he will realize that is his Mommy. Depression is tough dont worsen it by cutting her out of her sons life. Even if she cant care for him right now they can still form a loving relationship, and he wont grow up feeling as if he doesnt have a mother.
I understand you dont want her to vent her issues onto you, i understand that upsets you, draw boundaries with her there. I would suggest when she calls, just put her right on to your son. When he is done talking to his mother, then end of call.

Living so far away must be hard on her, is there any way she can visit him?
 Maillesmith
Joined: 7/13/2010
Msg: 23
WOOT! Single dad that got the boy!
Posted: 9/8/2010 10:42:59 AM
My god READ THE POSTS PEOPLE!!!

I'm complaining about how I don't have a life because of it, but no where have I mentioned that I am not willing to facilitate the meeting with her. I'm the one trying to reassure her that the child will understand soon. She is the one that is not trying to converse with her son, because she finds it difficult to do so with a 7 month old that just doesn't comprehend the situation.

When did I say I'm cutting her out of her son's life? If you want to know, I have set up a facebook profile that only she I am have access to and when he wakes up, I tell her, when he eats I let her know what, when his teeth are hurting, she knows. I have told her about every time that he has been awake all day today, and she hasn't called the house once. And last night, she called at 5pm spent 5 minutes with him and then ended it when he got a bit cranky, said she would call at 7 before he went to bed - and didn't. Seriously, I am not the bad guy here, I am doing everything that I can to let her be involved with her son's life as possible from such a great distance.Why does everyone assume after reading a bit of a post, or reading some of a few, that I am trying to remove the mother from his life?

She can could come visit him, if she got off her ass and started working. She said she wants to be here for Thanksgiving and Xmas, but still has not found a job (and in Edmonton, you can find 4 jobs in 3 days... I've done it.) and I have flat out told her that I WILL NOT PAY FOR HER TRIPS. She made the choice to stay, suggested that I bring him to where family was, and has not taken advantage of all the chances to speak with her son as I have provided.
 Maillesmith
Joined: 7/13/2010
Msg: 24
WOOT! Single dad that got the boy!
Posted: 9/8/2010 1:04:56 PM
I like those ideas pat, I'll be sure to suggest them to my ex. That seems like the most logical suggestion I've received since I've asked people for advice (family, friend and forums)

As I said, the title might be offensive, but you seem to understand where I am coming from. Unlike most deserving fathers I got the kid, and part of me wants to yell it from the rooftops. The title can't be changed anymore though, so...
 dlb47
Joined: 2/19/2009
Msg: 25
WOOT! Single dad that got the boy!
Posted: 9/9/2010 10:22:40 AM

Yes, I am well aware that she still has feelings for me; she has asked me in every conversation if I think that we might get together in the future and how she is terribly sorry for screwing up the life that she wanted to build with me. She's gone so far as to inform me that she slept with a couple people in the WEEK that we've been separated and that no one can satisfy her like I can (puffs out chest).

What I want to know is if there are many men that have experienced this same thing, and how they managed to walk the fine line of being amicable and considerate to the other person's rights and wishes


When the conversation starts veering off another direction other than discussing your child, that is when you end the conversation. Thats how you walk that fine line. You let her know, you are only conversing about your child you share together. Any other conversation will be "nipped".
Good luck to you. It's great to see a father get custody!!
Show ALL Forums  > Single Parents  > WOOT! Single dad that got the boy!