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 SonyaLT
Joined: 2/6/2010
Msg: 1
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Traditional vs. Modern (or maybe not)Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I am a modern woman , with a traditional flair when it comes to dating, marriage, etc. I am not genarally attracted to external things like wealth, power, weight, appearances... I am looking for a mate who will be true to himself and me, no matter what life brings. Someone who will be there through it all!

[Break]I have met men on POF who want to impress with material things, without any real substance behind it. I have met men who expect that, as a "modern" woman, I will spring for dinner. I have also met those who have been "used" by women and are afraid that they will again be taken advantage of.[/Break]

[Break]There are certain things that I look for in a man: 1) Open doors; 2) Hold hands as we walk; 3) Go before me as I walk down stairs and behind me as I walk up them; 3) Pick me up at my door for a date and walk me to the door at the end of one; 4) Pick up the tab for dinner, unless I'm inviting him out; and 5) Make first contact.[/Break]

[Break]Now, [B]none of these things are "deal breakers". [/B] However, my father, brothers, son, ex's and male friends have all educated me regarding displays of care, concern and affection of a man to a woman. And, to me these things speak to how a man treats a woman that he's with. I also like to know how they treat the other women in their lives, ie mother, sister, daughter, etc. I want to learn from my past mistakes and get it right this time! On the other hand, I'm "old school" and like it that way. [/Break]

My questions are:

How does a modern woman with traditional beliefs meet a traditional man with modern beliefs?

Do you think that the two could be compatible?
 SonyaLT
Joined: 2/6/2010
Msg: 2
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Traditional vs. Modern (or maybe not)
Posted: 9/17/2010 8:25:29 PM
Excuse the HTML format. Thought this had to be written that way.
 Sabrosura089
Joined: 11/29/2009
Msg: 3
Traditional vs. Modern (or maybe not)
Posted: 9/17/2010 8:27:11 PM
I'm sorry, but what attributes do you possess that are "modern"? I think I'm missing the conflict with "modern" vs. "traditional" here.
 forumfishie
Joined: 9/17/2009
Msg: 4
Traditional vs. Modern (or maybe not)
Posted: 9/17/2010 8:30:14 PM
"How does a modern woman with traditional beliefs meet a traditional man with modern beliefs?"

If you find ONE let me know where and how you met him,
I want to get me one of those

" 3) Go before me as I walk down stairs and behind me as I walk up them;"

I'll just settle for a guy that wants to walk up and down stairs,
before me or behind me,
instead of playing X-box 24-7
 SonyaLT
Joined: 2/6/2010
Msg: 5
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Traditional vs. Modern (or maybe not)
Posted: 9/17/2010 8:42:42 PM
If this issue has already been addressed in the forums, please let me know where. I'd like to see the responses.
 Sabrosura089
Joined: 11/29/2009
Msg: 6
Traditional vs. Modern (or maybe not)
Posted: 9/17/2010 8:45:38 PM
Here's a thread I found on "modern" women. I'm not sure if it's going to address your questions, but check it out.

http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts5246530.aspx
 Rebluez
Joined: 2/25/2010
Msg: 7
Traditional vs. Modern (or maybe not)
Posted: 9/17/2010 8:48:54 PM
I had a thread recently that was kind of all over the place by the time it hit 6 pages, but it did bring up some very good points about traditional attitudes.

http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts14144635.aspx

Bluez
 brightestblue
Joined: 8/28/2008
Msg: 8
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Traditional vs. Modern (or maybe not)
Posted: 9/17/2010 10:14:18 PM
I don't really see in which ways you are "modern." If by that you mean that you support yourself- that's not really modern anymore; that's just normal.

When it comes to dating, it looks like you reside firmly in the traditional camp.

There are plenty of men who don't know how to act, or don't choose to act like gentlemen, but plenty do, and those are the ones you should look for. The fact that you don't initiate means that you are probably fishing in a much smaller pool, though. I doubt very much that even a very traditional man would be offended or get the wrong idea if you make first contact.

As to the traditional/modern problem; that's just another area among many in which you need to find someone compatible with you.
 Zikoris
Joined: 9/16/2009
Msg: 9
Traditional vs. Modern (or maybe not)
Posted: 9/17/2010 10:47:55 PM
I fail to see any "modern" traits here, sorry. Modern women pay their own way and take care of themselves.
 durandal26
Joined: 3/16/2008
Msg: 10
Traditional vs. Modern (or maybe not)
Posted: 9/17/2010 10:53:52 PM
As it happens, I am looking for a sexually liberated and experienced woman that is also innocent and virginal.

If I happen to come across a "traditional man with modern beliefs" I will let you know.
 AintNoDeal
Joined: 2/3/2010
Msg: 11
Traditional vs. Modern (or maybe not)
Posted: 9/17/2010 11:48:44 PM
Hmm.....find a dirt farmer with a new tractor?!?

My first thought, like others is "What Traits do you have that you consider Modern?"

I only glanced at your profile briefly -- seeing you are divorced with grown children. As one poster put it, that only makes you average or normal in these times.

You description sounds more like you want a life-assistance 24-hour male nurse. Are you ready to check into a convalescent home?

Your brothers educated you about how a man should act? Was this BEFORE or AFTER your marriage? I'm just more confused by your post than anything. I mean if you want a man to lean on 24/7/365 for food and mobility, just say so in your profile and post a market friendly rate.
 SonyaLT
Joined: 2/6/2010
Msg: 12
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Traditional vs. Modern (or maybe not)
Posted: 9/18/2010 1:20:40 AM
Thanks for your responses. Without giving any background information, perhaps, I should have kept it simple and just asked whether you guys thought a traditional person and a modern person could be compatible. And, whether their lifestyles might naturally cause them to meet up, outside of a dating sight, since they may move in different social circles.

The link references were helpful!

In terms of what attributes make me a "modern" woman, those are things that are left for me and those who know me. Suffice it to say, they go beyond paying my own way and making my own money, WHICH I DO! And, NO. I am not an "old" 46 by any means.

I do realize that using labels like "traditional" and "modern" may cause strong reactions is some, but please FOCUS on the heart of the questions.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 13
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Traditional vs. Modern (or maybe not)
Posted: 9/18/2010 3:26:26 AM
when you cut through the excess verbiage, you find root question of dating: how do i find someone compatible?

no secrets, no shortcuts. you gather information about someone. experience them. asks lots of questions, feel their vibe, watch their actions, use your judgment. but most important, know yourself and what you want.

endless discussion of this topic. you might read further here http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts2442550.aspx
 motown cowgirl
Joined: 6/30/2010
Msg: 14
Traditional vs. Modern (or maybe not)
Posted: 9/18/2010 3:46:04 AM

How does a modern woman with traditional beliefs meet a traditional man with modern beliefs?

the same way a traditional woman with modern beliefs would meet a modern man with traditional beliefs. ;)


Do you think that the two could be compatible?

why the hell not? people aren't computers, you know. it's not like the battle of DOS vs. Windows.


I'm "old school" and like it that way

that's a t-shirt, not a relationship.
 SonyaLT
Joined: 2/6/2010
Msg: 15
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Posted: 9/18/2010 5:08:35 AM
Thanks soooo much ...on a crutch, for the link. It speaks more to my questions than this thread does.

I have found that on POF so many people speak of chemistry and compatibility, but few ever speak about the "old school" notion of "opposites attract". What happened to wanting to have strength in areas where their mate is weak? I also wonder whether so many of those who say they are looking for "compatibility" are here because they are just not able to find what they are looking for as they move through their normal/everyday lives. Maybe an internet dating site is viewed simply as an opportunity to expand their boarders.
 readthedamnprofile
Joined: 5/5/2010
Msg: 16
Traditional vs. Modern (or maybe not)
Posted: 9/18/2010 5:16:00 AM
You do what everyone else does, you make yourself available to dating after screening men as best you can through whatever means are available to you, you get to know them well, you talk to them openly about what your expectations are, you spend time around their friends and family and see how they interact with them, and you wait and see if the two of you are a good match.

There is no magic wand you can wave, potion you can drink or serve to him, or shortcuts you can take to get from point A, single and wanting to find the right person to be with and point B, settled down in a committed relationship. It is a process, we all have to go through it to achieve our objectives and you will too.
 cenomeno
Joined: 4/21/2010
Msg: 17
Traditional vs. Modern (or maybe not)
Posted: 9/18/2010 6:16:32 AM
Oh I am old school too. I do all of those things because I believe that's the way to treat a lady.
However, When I say old school I also mean daily bjs (twice), 3 course dinner, daily back and feet massages ..... And of course washing my dirty laundry and cleaning my house at least twice a week.

I don't know what I am doing wrong. Am I asking too much?




Lmfao....
 Abbicci
Joined: 11/17/2008
Msg: 18
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Traditional vs. Modern (or maybe not)
Posted: 9/18/2010 6:32:02 AM
What you desrcibed are manners. Manners are timeless and not traditional.

Every woman is a modern woman, because none of us are living like Queen Victoia.We vote, we have cars and carreers. We have options.

You have just put a set of names to your expectations. A little cheat sheet to be able to separate the 'nos' for the 'maybes'. I habe no idea how two people will compatible, that takes time and effort to figure out.
 Chill Pill
Joined: 6/5/2010
Msg: 19
Traditional vs. Modern (or maybe not)
Posted: 9/18/2010 6:46:58 AM
""There are certain things that I look for in a man: 1) Open doors; 2) Hold hands as we walk; 3) Go before me as I walk down stairs and behind me as I walk up them; 3) Pick me up at my door for a date and walk me to the door at the end of one; 4) Pick up the tab for dinner, unless I'm inviting him out; and 5) Make first contact"

If a man is inclined to do those things then he will, it's not something he can front to meet your expectations. It will get old to fast and it will be to hard for him to morph into this chivalrous gent all for the sake of pursuing a woman. He won't be able to keep it up... and I'm not talking about premature ejaculation.

It's 2010. I don't find that kind of gestures as meaningful as a man with real sincerity and a good heart. They are all kind actions but they don't truly speak about the spirit of a man. Yes, he could pull out your chair for you, but kick small puppies. These
archaic dating gestures do not necessarily quantify the qualities of a man. He maybe walking you to the door and then driving off to a whore house. These displays are just "external things" just like wealth, power, weight, appearance. It's a show, not necessarily proof that you have found a GEM.

"""However, my father, brothers, son, ex's and male friends have all educated me regarding displays of care, concern and affection of a man to a woman.""

You may have been misinformed by the misinformed. I wouldn't measure a mans care, concern and affection for me by whether or not he pulled out my chair at a restaurant or held my hand in public or walks behind me when I go up a flight of stairs????

Infact, I thought a man did that just to check out my tiny little butt. I had no idea that was a display of care, concern and true affection.... But what do I know???
 greatfnguy
Joined: 8/14/2010
Msg: 20
Traditional vs. Modern (or maybe not)
Posted: 9/18/2010 7:59:36 AM

How does a modern woman with traditional beliefs meet a traditional man with modern beliefs?

By knowing who they (themselves) are. Especially their own true deeper motives and how to spot the symptoms of those motives in outward behavior and belief following.
Then dating and getting to know other people. Observing them, and figuring out the motives driving them. Not their beliefs, but what pushed them to those beliefs and how the deeper motives and personality pursues fulfilling those beliefs.


Do you think that the two could be compatible?

Yes. Because beliefs are adopted and/or adapted for group identity.
They aren't individual traits or motives. They are acquired after the "root" personality is (or will be) formed.
And people were made to be compatible. It's (primarily) the adopted and adapted group crap (anymore) that keeps people from compatibility more so than the biological or basic.
 Kranck
Joined: 11/30/2009
Msg: 21
Traditional vs. Modern (or maybe not)
Posted: 9/18/2010 8:28:26 AM
The trick here will be to find the traditional man with modern beliefs amongst all the modern men with traditional beliefs. No easy task. I suggest you advertise for a “real man”. They all know who they are.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 22
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Posted: 9/18/2010 8:48:17 AM
Well Sonya, first I would work on my profile if I were you. Mentioning friends with 'benefits' in it will often bring out the freaks. You can easily be a modern woman with high expectations for herself and her man, really speak from the heart and let men know exactly what you are looking for. Men do not want to guess, they like people that are straight forward and honest.
Men our age want a woman that is clear in her beliefs and is not afraid to insist on being treated as a lady. It is ok to mention that you expect proper manners. Southern men are by pure definition gentleman. Most I've met respect their Mamas and treat women well.
Only you can decide whether certain behaviors are acceptable and for most women in their 40's it goes without saying that how they behave in public has little to do their level of intimacy behind closed doors.
The whole "I always pay my own way that makes me modern" is a relatively new concept coming from girls that have never been courted. Shelling out your own cash is no gauge on how well a man will treat you or how independent a woman is.
 SilentInk
Joined: 3/20/2010
Msg: 23
Traditional vs. Modern (or maybe not)
Posted: 9/18/2010 9:10:11 AM

I suggest you advertise for a “real man


Advertising for a "real man" will more often than not bring out the chameleon fake men. Usually people that preach to the choir about being "real" are the ones with many demons in their closet.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 24
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Posted: 9/18/2010 10:36:03 AM
Funny, on my second read of your OP I thought "oh, I wonder if what she's after is a man who believes in equality but will also defer to women?"

If so, in my northern experience, that is quite a big 'ask', if not an impossible (to my way of thinking) way to live ones life. It seems to me, trying to hold two quite divergent belief systems simultaneously kinda has one be incompatible in their own skin.

Quite often, men who practice chivalry also tend to have quite traditional pov about who a woman should be in the world. And *sometimes* it's just layered on learned behviour and doesn't reflect their real regard for the other person.

You might want to search chivalry; there's been a number of threads on the topic, with some very divergent opinions.
 az109
Joined: 7/3/2010
Msg: 25
Traditional vs. Modern (or maybe not)
Posted: 9/18/2010 10:46:41 AM

How does a modern woman with traditional beliefs meet a traditional man with modern beliefs?

The distinction between modern and traditional applied to people and beliefs is interesting in this case for the woman herself being labeled modern, the man himself not but his beliefs, are, and, of course, the other way around. Neither has beliefs matching themselves. Neither believes in what they actually are. You want a man to treat you, a modern women, in traditional ways. You crave incongruity. You don't want a modern man, despite your being a modern women. You want a traditional man whose beliefs agree not with your own, which are traditional, but with yourself, the modern woman.

After careful study of this apparent paradox I have decided that what is going on here is that you want a man who will do what you want him to do and will agree with you, but so far haven't found one like that. To meet a man who will do what you want and agree with you, go someplace there are men, or at least is one, and want what he does, and only say things you know he will agree with.
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