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 spider1986
Joined: 6/28/2010
Msg: 1
just curious....Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
is asking a woman to meet up for coffee viewed as threatening? because so far that line hasnt worked for me and ive tried it A LOT-can anyone out there help me?? how is a guy supposed to get to know someone if they wont even take 5 minutes out of their life to have a drink?
 txredbull
Joined: 1/3/2010
Msg: 2
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just curious....
Posted: 9/21/2010 8:57:39 PM
No one is going to have coffee with you even if they met you in a public place unless you have made them comfortable with you before hand. You need to talk with them longer probalby before you ask them out. Once they are ready and wondering whats taking so long for you to ask them out, they really don't give a rats hair typically where you take them. They say they do...but really all they want is to feel good and have a good time. That can be a $200 dinner or a park bench.
 spider1986
Joined: 6/28/2010
Msg: 3
just curious....
Posted: 9/21/2010 8:59:05 PM
thanks for the replies everyone-im sure this thread will be deleted soon knowing how pof operates


No but it was moved out of relationships to dating. You seem to be stuck on only posting in that one forum since you also put a profile review that didn't belong their also. Try and post threads into the right forums please.

Cowboy
 pandusvenator
Joined: 11/17/2009
Msg: 4
just curious....
Posted: 9/21/2010 8:59:50 PM
Next time expect her to say yes. I think we get what we anticipate or expect. Coffee or a walk is the easiest outing to get. It's like drinking water.
 spider1986
Joined: 6/28/2010
Msg: 5
just curious....
Posted: 9/21/2010 9:01:35 PM
tru-its not like im asking her to go on a cruise with my parents for christs sake-its C-O-F-F-E-E

if she doesnt like what i have to offer then she can move on-but at least give me a fliipen chance!
 SonyaLT
Joined: 2/6/2010
Msg: 6
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just curious....
Posted: 9/21/2010 9:13:28 PM
OP, you might want consider something that is "age appropriate". By this I mean, perhaps a movie, followed by ice cream and a walk.

For my age group, it is typical for a guy to invite a lady to a cup of coffee and, generally, I will agree to the meet (though the ones who think outside of the norm gain major points).

However, I have daughters ages 22 & 25. They refuse to meet any guy who will not atleast take them to a movie. They tell me that "anything they need to discuss can be done over the phone. However, a new release movie gives them something new to talk about for the day."

Wish you well!

PS you might also want to change your profile picture to one of the nice ones you have of just yourself, and delete those of you with other women. These things suggest "immature playa", according to my two daughters, who just viewed your profile.
 wolftxusa
Joined: 5/6/2010
Msg: 7
just curious....
Posted: 9/21/2010 9:21:53 PM

wont even take 5 minutes out of their life to have a drink?
im sure this thread will be deleted soon
for christs sake-its C-O-F-F-E-E
at least give me a fliipen chance!

It's only about 20 minutes after your post, and it has been voted to stay. Last I looked it was 1 out of 4 for deletion. You know what - you come across as impatient and bully-ish.

Won't even take 20 minutes out of your life to see how the deletion goes?
For Christ's sake - it's a P-O-F post.

Good luck with the ladies. Try tapping your watch as you wait for their answers...
 lilcontrary
Joined: 3/16/2010
Msg: 8
just curious....
Posted: 9/21/2010 9:44:37 PM
Zippy,
You may want to change up your approach...?

Wolftxusa thought your post impatient and bully-ish....I thought self defeating... either way neither angle is a good one. Your a good looking young lad. I am sure you can handle a few rejections in the name of learning. Good Luck!

Mary
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 9
just curious....
Posted: 9/21/2010 10:12:32 PM

is asking a woman to meet up for coffee viewed as threatening?

If that's the first thing you say to her, yes.
 JRodriguez81
Joined: 2/24/2010
Msg: 10
just curious....
Posted: 9/21/2010 10:16:34 PM
Well OP, do you ask flat out immediatly if they would want to meet for coffee? Most general people on here prefer to speak to someone for a cool while before taking it to the phone, and THEN setting up a meet for perhaps coffee or whatever.


Asking within five minutes of emailing someone if they want to meet up, seems a bit too soon for most online.
 shakeitupbaby2012
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 11
just curious....
Posted: 9/21/2010 11:00:51 PM
Personally, I have no interest in going out for coffee, and going for coffee is a bit overdone IMO. Why not try asking them what they enjoy doing? I've had three dates in the past week that included a bonfire, dinner and dancing under the stars, and a movie followed by a walk- all very nice and different. Coffee- maybe great in the Winter for meeting a friend here and there.
 Delete_Me_Please
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 12
just curious....
Posted: 9/21/2010 11:21:30 PM

how is a guy supposed to get to know someone if they wont even take 5 minutes out of their life to have a drink?

If you go to Starbucks, five minutes won't even cover the wait in line.
 albinosquirlz
Joined: 3/28/2010
Msg: 13
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just curious....
Posted: 9/21/2010 11:49:37 PM

I've had three dates in the past week that included a bonfire, dinner and dancing under the stars, and a movie followed by a walk



Personally, I have no interest in going out for coffee


Golly...I wonder why. ha ha

The OP's mistake is that he thinks he is ENTITLED to an acceptance of his offer, when the only thing you're entitled to is...to ask.

If it were considered an obligation to accept every brief coffee date offered, there wouldn't be a corner left without a Starbucks on it.
 johnnylange
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 14
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just curious....
Posted: 9/21/2010 11:52:21 PM
Depends on how soon you ask. If you email them for the first time and say something like "Hey I read your profile and wow we share so many common interests I think we should meet up for coffee!" Er, yeah that's looking desperate.

BTW I would remove the pictures of you and the "stripper" looking chicks. Makes you look like a player. Also while you're at it. I'd remove the muscle dude and batman one too. Those pictures just look wrong. Especially for a dating site.
 AintNoDeal
Joined: 2/3/2010
Msg: 15
just curious....
Posted: 9/22/2010 12:18:22 AM
Well....looking at OP's pics, I'd expect him to be at the gym about 10 hours a day. Maybe women get the vibe that this is a guy who doesn't need to be drinking coffee, or doesn't like it, or at least sitting and talking is the LAST think on his mind.

If you are indeed a busy-body that needs to run about all the time, maybe a walking tour of you local downtown would be better. It's just from the pics I get the impression you would not be comfy sitting still for more than three minutes.

....maybe it's time to call Lou and get a favor...?
 452
Joined: 11/1/2009
Msg: 16
just curious....
Posted: 9/22/2010 1:25:17 AM
No it's not threatening.I can't think of any reason why someone would feel threatened just because someone asked them for coffee unless you asked them to have coffee at two in the morning deep in the woods.




going for coffee is a bit overdone IMO.


Then have tea,milk or juice.


I've had three dates in the past week that included a bonfire, dinner and dancing under the stars, and a movie followed by a walk- all very nice and different. Coffee- maybe great in the Winter for meeting a friend here and there.


All of these things seem uncomfortable for a first meet with someone you met online.What if you hate each other in person?Then you are stuck out of politeness with them for at least an hour,maybe more.Coffee meets are good because if it is not going well you can make it out of there in 10 minutes without appearing hateful and rude.
 albinosquirlz
Joined: 3/28/2010
Msg: 17
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just curious....
Posted: 9/22/2010 2:53:03 AM
All of these things seem uncomfortable for a first meet with someone you met online.


They aren't uncomfortable if that's the whole point. Plenty of women are addicted to the whole "wining & dining" style of "dating". The men are trying to impress, and the ladies are more than willing to reap the rewards. It's more of an "escort" situation than anything else if you're having these kind of first "dates" three times a week.

But to be honest, if there's no jewelry involved...you're a small-timer.

I stopped that nonsense when a dinner date sitting across the table from me (a place she requested we go as a first meet) exclaimed what a wonderful time she's been having on the dating site..."I get to eat out at my favourite restaurants 3 or 4 times a week". Yea...eat up hairdo...like it was your last meal...cause from me...it is.

Nope....if we think we should get together and get to know each other a little, then it's a coffee...or a pint. If we feel a bit peckish, then we'll order some appetizers. Let's "do stuff" after we decide we like each other enough.



Coffee meets are good because if it is not going well you can make it out of there in 10 minutes without appearing hateful and rude


If I even suspected somebody was considering a "quick escape" as part of their thought process about meeting me, it would never happen. I enjoy cynicism as much as the next guy, but when the target is me, it's not a turn-on.
 peppermint petunias
Joined: 9/2/2009
Msg: 18
just curious....
Posted: 9/22/2010 3:13:56 AM

tru-its not like im asking her to go on a cruise with my parents for christs sake-its C-O-F-F-E-E

if she doesnt like what i have to offer then she can move on-but at least give me a fliipen chance!


Why?

YOU are asking, so YOU give her a reason to want to know/meet you.
She doesn't owe you anything..

Maybe you sound like a self entitled brat in your e mails.* sheesh*

 RealisticRomantic
Joined: 7/19/2010
Msg: 19
just curious....
Posted: 9/22/2010 3:28:03 AM
Coffee is the problem. Too boring and cliche. She has already had dozens of putrid coffee meetings and ALL stunk... count on it. Think of something else.
 452
Joined: 11/1/2009
Msg: 20
just curious....
Posted: 9/22/2010 3:31:43 AM
They aren't uncomfortable if that's the whole point.


No the whole point of a first meet with someone from online is to see if there will actually be any chemistry between the two of you when you meet in person and also to see if the other person has deceived you in anyway.A first meet is nowhere near the same as a first date.



If I even suspected somebody was considering a "quick escape" as part of their thought process about meeting me, it would never happen. I enjoy cynicism as much as the next guy, but when the target is me, it's not a turn-on.



No one would go into this thinking that they want make a quick escape. We all want to believe that the camaraderie we have online will translate into real life but sadly that is not the case many times.If we end up making a first meet something long and drawn out then if things go wrong you are stuck with that person for a long and painful time.

Honestly I don't quite get you.First you come out with guns blasting at me and then you agree with the whole coffee date idea then you chastise me again for it.Jeeze man make up your mind.


By the way if you don't want to drink coffee then don't.For the love of God drink tea or meet at a nice upscale bar for a glass of wine.
 afashionlady
Joined: 4/19/2008
Msg: 21
just curious....
Posted: 9/22/2010 4:19:51 AM
As others have said if its the first thing you're asking, its not threatening, it is desperate.

Get to know a woman before you ask her out. You don't give any parameters as to when you do the asking so there's no way of knowing if you're trigger happy or they're not interested.

But...get the strippers off your profile and seriously, the Batman fetish goes back into the closet. Get a profile review..they'll say the same things we are.

PS...no one is obligated to say yes. You do know this right? Just cause you ask doesn't mean she has to agree. Just coffee can turn into an all day event if the feelings are there.

Instead of whining, and yes you are whining, rethink your approach to the whole thing. And understand that if you get upset every time a woman says no here you might as well delete your profile and go live in a cave.

With Batman...and the strippers.
 motown cowgirl
Joined: 6/30/2010
Msg: 22
just curious....
Posted: 9/22/2010 4:38:54 AM
kid, lose the entitlement complex. it's unattractive. nobody even owes you one minute of their time. but you want 5?? wtf. quit whining about not being given a flippen chance. are you 12? holy crap, batman. yeah i see how you operate.... the sad news is that if you had 50 coffee dates that never made it past the 1st empty cup, you'd be pissed off about that too. it would be like, "why won't she have a muffin with me?!? oh give me a flippen chance!" i'm sorry, but when it comes to somebody else being interested in you or not, you don't get to have any say in the matter. about the best you can hope for is learn how to be more interesting and less like a petulant adolescent boy.
 WaywardWynde
Joined: 5/19/2007
Msg: 23
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just curious....
Posted: 9/22/2010 4:49:39 AM
Don't invite a woman out for coffee for a meet-and-greet IF her profile says something about "fine dining" or "travel" or "theater". Coffee is not on her expectations list.

Offering coffee is in fact a good way to separate the wheat from the chaf.
 Chill Pill
Joined: 6/5/2010
Msg: 24
just curious....
Posted: 9/22/2010 6:00:27 AM
Your profile is fine. It looks like a 24 year olds profile should look like. You sound like a fine young man, with a career and goals and a normal social life. You are handsome and nothing about your page suggests your intimidating or threatening.

I am not privy to the emails you send or what your approach is. My guess is that you are lacking in that area. You don't sound to me like you feel entitled, I think you are a bit frustrated by the process of online dating. It's not the same as finding ladies amongst your social circles and friends of friends. It's a bit backwards. You are a stranger to the ladies you approach here, so you have to act accordingly.

Perhaps you are inviting them out to quickly as some have suggested or without concern if you are building a comfort level with them. This takes time and some patience and some stratergy. You perhaps just have to refine your approach somewhat to prove that you are a gentleman, likeable, amicable, interesting and desirable and trustworthy.

Online that does not happen like it does at a house party or a bar room. It's just different. Your initial contacts should be light hearted, humorous and inviting conversation to see what you and she may have in common. Your introduction should be polite and prove interest by commenting something about her profile or giving a sincere compliment. Your selling yourself so to speak.

The ladies you say you have tried "a LOT" are missing something in your sales pitch.
You are the one that has to figure out what that is and what you can do to improve upon your initial contacts that will stimulate interest and provoke more conversation and develop this comfort level I'm speaking about. Most woman will not drop everything and rush out for coffee until they have made some kind of connection with you via texting or emailing or phone. They have to gather a "sence" about you before they make that decision and this takes a little bit of time.

Be patient. OP. All good things come to those who wait. Rejection is par for the course here. You need a thick skin. You will perhaps be rejected by many more than will accept your invitations. SO learn to let it roll off your back and just suck it up and move to the next lady that attracts you. Rejection is not something to take personally.
Beauty, appearance, personalities that attract one woman, may not attract the next.
It's all about preference. Just what one lady prefers. The girl that only likes to date hispanic men will reject you. The lady that only want 6'3" man , will reject you. The woman that only prefers very thin men, will reject you. It's about what they PREFER.
There is nothing wrong with that and you cannot dig your heals in and stammer over
every other woman that refuses to give you 5 minutes. It's part of putting yourself
out there and being available here.... Some, sometimes many will reject you.

Don't give up hope, just keep casting that holy pole back into the water... someone will nibble and you'll have that cup of coffee and maybe something more...
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 25
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just curious....
Posted: 9/22/2010 6:28:47 AM
Do you have any level of relationship with the girl before you ask her out? Or is your open line "Wanna go get coffee?"
Talk to her a few times, see if you know any of the same people and let her get comfortable around you before you expect her to spend time with you alone. Making her feel at ease is half the problem here.
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