Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Broken Hearts  > How to live after you lose someone special?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 pamsfl
Joined: 8/14/2009
Msg: 2
How to live after you lose someone special?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
You wake up every day. You breathe. You do what you have to do. You go to sleep and then you do it again. And again. One day you will realize that you are okay and that you are going to be ok. Time doesn't erase memories, but it does help heal. Just keep moving and breathing.
 NowSucksLess
Joined: 2/4/2010
Msg: 4
How to live after you lose someone special?
Posted: 9/23/2010 7:05:44 PM

I feel lost and broken.
I am totally depressed. I don't know how to cope.
Now I have more bad days then good days.

2 months ago she passed away. It's just not fair. I miss her terribly.
My best friend is gone.

Everything in my house reminds me of her.
I thought I was good, but I broke down today.

Anyone lose someone special? How do you cope?


I'm going through something similar.

Advice?

....I've got nothing.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 5
view profile
History
How to live after you lose someone special?
Posted: 9/23/2010 7:53:09 PM
I lost my late husband almost 2 decades ago at the age of 38.

I was a mess 2 months afterwards and for quiet a while after that.

What helped me was talking to other people who had been through it. The funeral parlour asked if I would like a phone call once a week from a widowed lady. She called me for the first few months. I would tell her how I was feeling, and she would tell me that it was quite normal to feel that way. That helped a lot because I felt like I was loosing my mind and so lost.

I read a book (sorry, can't remember the title) written by a man educated as a grief counselor. His book said that all his education never prepared him for the reality of the situation. He wrote a lot about what a trama it is to a person.

It is easy for me to say this now, but it wasn't easy to hear back then, when we feel the depth of this type of pain it is best to just let ourselves feel it. I did learn from personal experience that there is no burying the pain, no matter what we do to try to hide it from ourselves. We can jump into work, recreation, or even a new relationship, but the pain come back, until we work our way through it.

I did find that going through the grieving has turned me into a person I didn't even know I could be, and now makes me proud of how I fought my way back to happiness.

Keep writing here, and let us know your progress.
 WalksOnWater2
Joined: 5/19/2009
Msg: 6
How to live after you lose someone special?
Posted: 9/23/2010 9:38:47 PM
Try to remember the good things. The time together, the trip, the dance, the jokes, the happy times. Anything that will make you smile, and if you tear up, that's ok too.
She would want you to be happy like you would her too,
It's a shame she had to leave so early.
Time heals.

Trzymaj siÄ™ Bartek
 Fierysunlvr
Joined: 1/14/2010
Msg: 7
view profile
History
How to live after you lose someone special?
Posted: 9/23/2010 10:24:28 PM
I didn't any of your replies, but wanted to say that if your loved one died, then you probably need a grief support group or grief counseling to help you get throught this.

2 months isn't a very long time, it's going to take way longer than that before you're healed. People are going to give you advice because they care but you have to listen to yourself in terms of how you deal with this. You'll deal with her belongings as you see fit. Don't let anyone pressure you to pack up her stuff or remove reminders of her.
You'll do that when you are ready and in your own time.
Take care
 readthedamnprofile
Joined: 5/5/2010
Msg: 8
How to live after you lose someone special?
Posted: 9/24/2010 4:24:27 AM
She passed away two months ago and you are so heart broken you put up a profile on POF under dating and wrote up a rather witty, pithy summary of yourself designed to attact members of the opposite sex for the purposes of dating?

Really?

I might buy your whole broken hearted story if you were under friends, or activity partner (although I doubt it) and you made any mention whatsoeveer of having just lost your partner and being upset by that and just looking for companionship or someone to talk to.

If you are actually looking to date, and god knows why you would be if you lost the love of your life only two months ago, then I suggest you stop posting on the forums about how heart broken you are at her demise because any woman that bothers to look at your profile that found you through these forums is going to be asking you why you are here under the dating category to begin with and why your profile reads like an easy breezy come get me gals come on.

Seriously, something is very wrong here.
 readthedamnprofile
Joined: 5/5/2010
Msg: 9
How to live after you lose someone special?
Posted: 9/24/2010 4:50:56 AM
Well I believe in people's actions backing up the words coming out of their mouths.

Change the profile to reflect your current reality or expect to be answering some questions as to why it does not.

If you think this is me being hard on someone then keep in mind, I am not looking to date and therefore, I have no interest from a personal point of view what anyone puts on their profile but, a lot of people are looking to date and they WILL be looking at profiles as an assessment tool to gauge who they are getting involved with and if the same people that are reading your profile read your posts on here and what you are saying in one location is diametrically opposed to what you are saying in another location you are going to come across as deceitful or, seriously screwed up.

Either way, if your intention is to find someone eventually, you are not doing yourself any favours. People on here have LONG memories in some case and you can bet your bottom dollar that if the OP truly is in distress now but, will be ready to date later on, someone is going to bring this up again somewhere down the road.

Do the guy a favour and give him some advice that will actually be helpful instead of platitudes and there, there pats on the head.
 cookie22222
Joined: 8/4/2007
Msg: 10
view profile
History
How to live after you lose someone special?
Posted: 9/24/2010 7:21:32 AM
First of all the OP joined in 2006. Second of all - if you haven't bee through it, you know NOTHING about losing your life partner. MANY bereaved look to throw a new romance into the pain of losing someone - not the best way to work through it from what I've observed, but it's actually pretty common. I also know people who will never date again after a loss. For me...it took about a year.

OP - I lost my SO in 2004, just about 6 years ago. I went to an online grief site for at least a year afterwards. People in our life - they don't understand, even the ones who want to, and the ones who say "I'm there for you". Email me and I'll give you the web site.

2 months is no time time at all. You SHOULD be falling apart. I agree that the best thing to do is - give yourself permission to feel what you feel. You will never "get over it", but you WILL get through it...if you allow yourself to feel what you feel.

Don't anticipate, I'll be better this day, or feel worse that day (anniversaries, etc.) Days you think will be awful - may bring a smile in remembering your loved one. Days you think are "nothing" may be unbearable.

Just remember - you get through it. It sucks, and it sounds trite...but time, talk and tears are what you need.

 ForumFilly
Joined: 5/14/2008
Msg: 11
How to live after you lose someone special?
Posted: 9/24/2010 8:06:42 AM
Firstly, I am so very sorry for your loss.

When my husband passed away I was devastated and inconsolable. I saw a therapist a couple times a week and, even still, ended up having to be hospitalized for severe depression and suicidal ideology. You are going to have fairly good days and then you'll get hit between the eyes with such a wave of pain it'll knock you to your knees.

As cliche as it is, time IS the only thing that heals the pain. Also, I found that thinking of the good times we had together helped. And thanking God for bringing him into my life. As hard as it was to lose him, I thank God for every day we were together. He was a gift that improved my life immensely.

Also, I believe that he is still watching over me. My own guardian angel. I believe that everyone's spirit or energy continues on after death and that they are aware of what is happening to us. I'm not talking Pearly Gates and all, but a collective awareness that one day we will be a part of.
 andy1961
Joined: 6/15/2006
Msg: 12
view profile
History
How to live after you lose someone special?
Posted: 9/24/2010 8:46:58 PM

She passed away two months ago and you are so heart broken you put up a profile on POF under dating and wrote up a rather witty, pithy summary of yourself designed to attact members of the opposite sex for the purposes of dating?

Really?

I might buy your whole broken hearted story if you were under friends, or activity partner (although I doubt it) and you made any mention whatsoeveer of having just lost your partner and being upset by that and just looking for companionship or someone to talk to.

If you are actually looking to date, and god knows why you would be if you lost the love of your life only two months ago, then I suggest you stop posting on the forums about how heart broken you are at her demise because any woman that bothers to look at your profile that found you through these forums is going to be asking you why you are here under the dating category to begin with and why your profile reads like an easy breezy come get me gals come on.

Seriously, something is very wrong here.


Agree with every word!

There's something a little bit suspicious about this. No offence Mr Bartek but your current written profile doesn't reflect in any way what you say you're going through at the moment. And on top of that you're "actively looking for a relationship" according to your profile..
That's your business, but boy, you're not hanging about are you!


What an unexpected and uplifting post. Thank you Franklin, that did help.
I'm going to print that out and put it on my fridge.


Sorry, I just don't buy that.

About a year ago on these forums a guy from Bristol (UK) posted the same sort of post. It was like one big love-in for the guy who had apparently "lost his wife of five years".
I raised suspicions on that one at the time and got a barrage of abuse from loads of posters telling me I was "heartless" and "cruel" etc.

Then his "dead" wife suddenly appeared on the thread with her very own profile and outed him for what he really was...
 az109
Joined: 7/3/2010
Msg: 13
How to live after you lose someone special?
Posted: 9/25/2010 7:36:00 AM
Living is the same. Losing someone is a matter of grieving, not a question of your survival. Coping is for maintaining a positive outlook while in difficulty. Grieving is not coping, it is a process that includes being temporarily unable to cope. The shock of loss brings a pain that is overwhelming. Being overwhelmed is a part of grieving. The only thing to keep in mind about the extreme aspect of the feelings is that it's a process or temporary experience, not as final as it can feel for a time. It can feel like the clock stopped. It can feel hopeless. It can seem as if life has become too painful, has lost meaning, and that the future is going to bring even worse. The key there is that it is a momentary feeling "as if" those things were true, but really it isn't true. Emotions change as time passes.

The way I experienced grief was kind of like for each place where love was, sorrow swept through. If love was an element that had spread throughout my body to bond with every molecule, then loss turned the love to sorrow, which when so pervasive makes living as much a hell as love made it a heaven. Eventually after the sorrow was felt thoroughly it turned out that sorrow is the form love takes after losing the loved one, and then once felt as sorrow returns to the pleasant form of love again. The loving memories return from being painful to being fond ones that comfort. It makes sense that if you love someone so entirely then you will suffer their loss as entirely.

They don't come back, of course, but in the way they were with you that is your memories and your love for them, they never leave while you live to remember and to feel. It hurts at first, the pain is felt as grieving, grieving is a process, and then although some of the sorrow will linger, the pain greatly subsides in a relatively short time, and then for the rest of your life it is your memories of her that will remain to love. That abiding love is mostly happy but does evoke some sorrow, too, because the loss was also real.

You may find it to be different, of course. That's how it has been for me. Having a metaphor to understand the process can help, as can being reminded that despite how much it hurts now, that pain is something to feel for now and it doesn't stay as bad and strong as at first. People like to say things about your lost one would have wanted you to go on and be happy in life. And they like to say things like the sun also rises. Basically, yes, it totally sucks, it hurts beyond coping for a while, and then you recover from the blow.

One other thing I noticed was that each of the memories had to be had, one by one, coming to mind and causing their pain, for me to recognize also in each memory the pleasure of having her still at least in that glimpse of her that a memory is. If she didn't matter then losing her wouldn't hurt. The hurt happens the first time the memory comes, and then as if that was saying good-bye, the memory comes next without pain but only with poignancy, and eventually just a whisper of wistfulness and the rest is fondness and feels good again.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 14
How to live after you lose someone special?
Posted: 9/25/2010 11:34:45 AM

Anyone lose someone special? How do you cope?

So sorry for your loss. I too, lost someone special. My son. My only child. A year ago today. How do I cope? It's different today than a year ago (of course) but some things remain constant. I sleep if/when I do, I eat if/when I feel I want to and I let my mind wander to him at will. If I feel the need to stop the car and listen to a song that reminds me of him, I do. If I feel like crying, I do that too, etc. I guess the way I choose to do it is pretty simple: I just let the missing him lead the way. I can't say that time is the answer. I have new issues all the time. I'm at that place where you can't remember the exact tones of his/her voice. This has been exceptionally troubling for me. I'm not ready for the intimate details to fade. But? When it happens, I go with that, too. Nothing else you can do. I watch football now (blech! LOL) which is something I didn't do before because it reminds me of him. I talk with his friends from time to time. They send me texts/emails with pictures of their lives since he's been gone. I do some strange things like talk to him a lot out loud. I tell him stupid jokes sometimes ~ whatever comes to my mind. (I probably look insane at times...oh well!) I guess the only advice I can really give that might help you? You will eventually figure out what makes you feel the most comfort ~ and that's when you'll be able to get passed the worst of the worst days. (And yes, those days do become less frequent!) Best of luck to you.
 ForumFilly
Joined: 5/14/2008
Msg: 15
How to live after you lose someone special?
Posted: 9/25/2010 12:27:20 PM
Awww, verygreeneyez, I'm just heartsick over your loss also but you are so right with the way you're handling it. I remember doing the same things when my husband died. Pulling over on the freeway because I was overwhelmed with tears and couldn't stop crying. Since the paramedics came that day, it took a few years for me to be able to see a paramedic ambulance without crying. I could no longer work in my field of respiratory therapy because I couldn't be sure I wouldn't fall apart during a code blue (cardiac arrest) since I had to do CPR on him. But I, too, talked out loud to him all the time. And I talked about him to other people. I didn't want to forget him or for others to forget him.

Trying to fulfill the emptiness with someone new isn't the same as getting over the loss. You're just stuffing your emotions down and trying to hide them by being with someone new. You need to go through the grieving process... all of it... in order to come out the other side ready for a healthy relationship. And 2 months isn't even close to enough time. People heal at different speeds but don't try to rush it. And don't use another woman to FIX you. All you will do is cause her pain.
 2fuzy
Joined: 3/12/2006
Msg: 16
How to live after you lose someone special?
Posted: 9/26/2010 10:27:05 AM
She passed away two months ago and you are so heart broken you put up a profile on POF under dating and wrote up a rather witty, pithy summary of yourself designed to attact members of the opposite sex for the purposes of dating?

Really?

I might buy your whole broken hearted story if you were under friends, or activity partner (although I doubt it) and you made any mention whatsoeveer of having just lost your partner and being upset by that and just looking for companionship or someone to talk to.

If you are actually looking to date, and god knows why you would be if you lost the love of your life only two months ago, then I suggest you stop posting on the forums about how heart broken you are at her demise because any woman that bothers to look at your profile that found you through these forums is going to be asking you why you are here under the dating category to begin with and why your profile reads like an easy breezy come get me gals come on.

Seriously, something is very wrong here.


until one does this gig ya don't know some try and cope by just going on with life and trying to ignore the pain and loss like nothing ever happened others crawl in a bottle or stay angry at the world or what have you its different for everyone so don't be so quick to judge
 pamsfl
Joined: 8/14/2009
Msg: 17
How to live after you lose someone special?
Posted: 9/26/2010 2:48:42 PM
In defense of the OP, he said he lost someone special to him. It doesn't mean a girlfriend or wife. It could have been a friend or family member. Not sure why his having a dating profile would have anything to do with that!
 nicegirl1974
Joined: 7/25/2010
Msg: 18
How to live after you lose someone special?
Posted: 10/12/2010 5:59:01 PM
remember the good days
filter neg/positive friends
in my case i moved to another city
a good cry is ok
 Yew4ics
Joined: 9/30/2010
Msg: 19
How to live after you lose someone special?
Posted: 10/13/2010 6:43:16 PM

2 months ago she passed away. It's just not fair. I miss her terribly.
My best friend is gone.


It's only been two months. That's not alot of time. Those breakdowns are part of the healing process. Tears are necessary and medicinal for you at this time. They are literally toxins coming out of your body, so don't fight them.
I lost my husband in June 08 after 14 yrs of marriage. All I can compare it to was an amputation. I attended grief counseling, and it did help. I also have a great support system of family and friends. I have been avoiding the broken heart threads since I cam back to POF, because I thought it might cause me a grief relapse, but it isn't doing that to me, thankfully. I simply feel empathy for someone like you who is just now experiencing something I have had time to recover from.Last year, when I was posting here, I was a basket case having a giant pity party. There are still a few things I can't do. A few stores I can't go into. Can't listen to Elton John sing " Little Jeannie"..as hubby used to sing that to me. But for the most part, I feel good about getting on with my life, and I hope and pray you do too OP, because those who loved us wouldn't want us not to. My best wishes to you always in your healing.
Hugs/Jeannie
 Theguy4you4sur
Joined: 8/13/2010
Msg: 20
How to live after you lose someone special?
Posted: 10/15/2010 1:03:46 PM
I personally am dead inside.She and I shared three years of my life and I fell in love with her the second I saw her in the lobby.I WORSHIPPED her....her body...her mind....her children.....I took care of everything as best I could and then one day she calls me and tells me "I don't love you anymore".
How the does one get over that.I found her on facebook and found out she was cheating.I am devastated beyond beluief.
I cannot see what I am typing bcuz there is something messed up with my pc but I hope you get the jist of this.
I am ruined.Destroyed by this girl.This woman I saved money to buy her and her kids a home and wanted to marry her.Then I find out on the social network that she is already screwing someone elsee.
I am not the same man anymore.
Damned pity.
I was a very nice man b4 I met her.
 shakeitupbaby2012
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 22
How to live after you lose someone special?
Posted: 10/18/2010 2:20:46 PM
The only way I know how to put it is that initially you get through it one awful day at a time, placing one foot in front of the other and going through the necessary things in life. You also take it off of being about you ( I mean this in the best way possible) and turn your thoughts to them and to others- what you enjoyed and truly appreciated about them. Is there someone close to you who you can share these things with- in the sense of instilling your friends and father's values that they shared--enjoyable things you did together--wonderful pieces of wisdom to impart and to share with others? Celebrate what you had with them and try to find something to enjoy about each day. I would say that the grieving process can last up to 6 months as far as feeling depressed and horrible, etc., and up to a year and a half to have moved forward in all facets of life. This is just a rough amount of time. It takes some people years but I would say that after 6 months if there is no change that one should talk to a counselor. It should help to take part in a support group with people who have lost loved ones, and to allow yourself to simply feel what you feel and to allow yourself to work through it all The human body is amazing and has the capacity to heal itself if we allow it to and by allowing our hearts to grow with each experience.
 That Handy Man
Joined: 11/23/2008
Msg: 23
How to live after you lose someone special?
Posted: 10/18/2010 5:14:41 PM
I'm sorry and I feel for you.

But I can can tell you something which I hope you may be able to consider.

We always, cherish and miss that which is gone or unavailable to us. And often, that is not the reality of the situation. Our notions and ideas are clouded and tainted by emotion. I've been there, and I know! I'm not sure this advice can help, as I am not sure I would have accepted it either, but in retrospect (as others have said) time may tell.

In cases like this where our emotions take CONTROL, always try and be objective. How many people have bee absolutely certain, they would never love again, and then did?

Aside from that, please realise, despite your pain, that death IS as natural as life on this planet.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 24
How to live after you lose someone special?
Posted: 10/20/2010 1:19:41 PM
Is that what I should put in my profile? That I am going through hell.
I will tell the person is due time. I don't want that to be the center of my profile.

No OP, that is not what should be in your profile. It amazes me when people get all up in arms because we don't tell our life stories in an online profile, but it seems to be a theme for some. What should be in your profile is what you are comfortable putting in your profile and I seriously doubt you, me or most people would be comfortable putting our tragic losses out there for complete strangers to read at will. (If forums weren't so dead and dying, I likely wouldn't even post in here about my son, but because forums are hard to find and aren't paid attention to like they once were, I do vent in here sometimes.)

It's really all up to you how you wish to proceed. Only you know what you feel from moment to moment. My only suggestion is that you don't get caught up in false intimacy situations. Over the past year, I have indeed done that and it really can make a mess out of things. (Not all people have the best intent when they "support" our situation.) Good luck to you.
 parsc1210
Joined: 10/27/2010
Msg: 25
How to live after you lose someone special?
Posted: 11/1/2010 6:50:03 PM
I lost my mother back in March 2010. My condolences on your loss and I can only offer some form of compassion.

As time ticks by, the pain of the loss becomes more bearable. What I did to cope was remind myself of what my mother loved. One of the things she loved was cooking. It made her so happy to cook and see how it made us feel. I loved the smell of her kitchen and just seeing how happy it made her. These moments are the ones you want to cherish. The moments that made them happy and it will "ease" the pain. At least it did for me.

Again, I am sorry for your loss and live day by day. My sympathies and compassion.
 DudeistPriest
Joined: 3/30/2009
Msg: 26
How to live after you lose someone special?
Posted: 11/3/2010 10:13:29 PM
Sleepless in Seattle, watch it;

"What are you going to do?



Get out of bed every morning
and breathe in and out all day.



And after a while I won't have to
remind myself to do it.



And then after a while I won't
remember how perfect things were."
 DudeistPriest
Joined: 3/30/2009
Msg: 27
How to live after you lose someone special?
Posted: 11/4/2010 11:04:29 AM
Hey I'm a smartass and skeptic myself, but sometimes it's best to say nothing and just move on if you don't believe.
 SweetnessInFlorida
Joined: 6/26/2008
Msg: 28
How to live after you lose someone special?
Posted: 11/4/2010 10:00:09 PM
I lost a husband at age 27.
To be brutally honest, it was hell. Pure freaking hell. I got through it by just "keeping on", but i was an emotional train wreck and very angry hurt and bitter that i had lost him. Even when i hit a patch of time where i thought i was getting better, i would randomly just turn into a puddle of angry sobbing miserable mush thinking about him. Dont be hard on youself, it isnt going to be all sunshine and rainbows when you lose a loved one. But it does get better. You will start to smile at memories instead of crying your eyes out. And realize that life is for the living, and you must go on. It is very hard to accept that someone you thought you would be with for life, isnt going to be there for all your life. Try not to sleep too much or drink too much, i did both in the first year and it prolonged the healing process. I used to drop the kids at school, go back home down a bottle of something and sob myself to bed, and do it again at night when the kids went to bed. it numbd the pain temporarily but took up valuable time i should have used for counseling and doing outdoors activities and spending with family and friends.
Stay close with her family, they are greiving the same person you are and you can be both supportive of each others greif, and try to find a happier place, together,.
Get into a greif counseling group.
Its not an easy road but there is light at the end of the tunnel, she is in a better place and you must go on to live your life to the fullest.
Show ALL Forums  > Broken Hearts  > How to live after you lose someone special?