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Joined: 5/4/2009
Msg: 2
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Friend zone with a twist...Page 1 of 1    
Friend zone, schmend zone, I'm sick of this stupid phrase. That's my rant for the day. In your case, you're the common denominator. If this sort of situation keeps happening to you, then why are you tolerating it. Don't spend a few weeks chatting, ask to meet the woman after a few emails and a phone conversation. Cut to the chase, don't waste time.
 Chill Pill
Joined: 6/5/2010
Msg: 4
Friend zone with a twist...
Posted: 9/25/2010 4:33:42 AM
[ quote ]- you get "I can tell you anything" followed by a being dumped on with her emotional issues that can relate to...
- the hidden partner that you eventually find out about, who doesn't seem to get the same non-stop chat treatment and seems to avoid all of the above as well!
- the "I see you as a brother \ cousin" line

He avoids all of the above as well. That's why he is the boy friend, he isn't trying to be the girl friend or the therapist. Don't go there. Don't act like the gay friend. Avoid the therapy sessions like the plague.

A few weeks of her using you as a sounding board is not good. When I initiate contact or initial contact is made what I am looking for is mutual interest. Not therapy sessions. If a man begins to negate the romantic attention and start using me to vent all the bull chit he went through with his ex is usually an indicator that he is perhaps not ready to move on.

I often change the subject. Nice shoes? Hey what do you think about the ozone layer? Hey funny how many shades of blue there are? Wow, Did you notice the wart on the waitresses nose? Hey your lips are moving are you talking?

Funny how they initiate contact.. Not really. She is starting to open doors to line them up to boost her ego and see how many will pay her attention. Instead she should be resolving her own issues about her failed relationship and have ended the said relationship before dragging another man into her emotional swampland.

Be happy. You are dodging bullets .Who wants a girl that is wavering about an ex? Wishy washy about what she wants and still pining away over the bull chit he did to her. Find a girl who has burried her past demons and is open and ready for a relationship, or at least one that can be honest that all she wants is a friend because she isnt over her ex yet. Then you don't get led on and fall into the dreaded friend zone when you wanted more.
Joined: 3/29/2008
Msg: 5
Friend zone with a twist...
Posted: 9/25/2010 5:14:14 AM
How, what, why, where, when, and how of the friendzone...

You are not projecting masculinity. Women detect that you are unsure therefore they are unsure back to you.

Now this isn't a thread moaning about the friend zone, it's a fact of life and you can take it or leave it (for the record I leave it, the minimal benefits of possibly meeting someone through someone aren't worth the aggro imo)

Rubbish!!! The fvcked up part of it is, if they truly friendzone you, you are not good enough to date her friends either, therefore she will not fix you up with them. I used to think the same as you, but I learned the hard way.
 motown cowgirl
Joined: 6/30/2010
Msg: 6
Friend zone with a twist...
Posted: 9/25/2010 6:53:55 AM
chances are, they aren't contacting you with the intent of friend-zoning you from the start just because you look like their brother/cousin. chances are, they had some initial interest in you but then -- for whatever reason -- lost interest and FZ'd ya... why? because you were a nice guy who was willing to keep up the dialog.

here's the way that works: your willingness to keep the dialog going is motivated by the fact that you're actually interested in the possibility of getting into her knickers eventually (hey nothing wrong with that). meanwhile, her willingness to keep the dialog going is motivated *not* by her interest in you as a potential date/sex partner (because she already lost interest), but merely by your willingness to maintain an open dialog. because women are stupid like that, and they actually think they can turn guys they found on dating sites into friends. they forget that if a guy was looking for a friend, he'd just call up one of the buddies he's already got. or, sometimes they will FZ a guy just because it's proof of their own self-assessment that they are "really nice".

because "i see you as a brother" is girlspeak for "it will be a cold day in hell before i will date you", but i don't actually have the guts to find even a polite way of saying that.... because it would mean i am "not nice". and if there's anything a woman can't stand in this world, it's the idea that she might be perceived by a man as "not nice".

[we don't care so much what them other b1tches think. ]

that leaves you in the position of either fishing or cutting bait. don't let a woman FZ you, because it will NEVER morph into whatever it is that you're looking for. ask for a date (after a reasonable period of chatting), and if they aren't interested, then hey no hard feelings and move the heck on.
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 7
Friend zone with a twist...
Posted: 9/25/2010 7:08:49 AM
The ONLY difference between men who end up in the friendzone and men who don't is that the ones who don't can pick up on lack of interest, and respectfully decline anything that doesn't have a romantic future (and they know staying friends and hoping for more doesn't work).
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 8
Friend zone with a twist...
Posted: 9/25/2010 10:32:58 AM

If you see my pics it's obvious they're not after my looks or body...

Yes, they are. You are an attractive young man!

I think flutterby's right, what's happening is you're not making a move fast enough. The result is that you've friend-zoned them without even realizing it. Start thinking in terms of a few days rather than a few weeks and see how that goes.
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 10
Friend zone with a twist...
Posted: 9/25/2010 10:57:24 AM

...all the situations I;m thinking of were with people that were taken well before they made first contact ...

Well, that's totally different - and needed to be in the opening post.

In that case, IMO your real question is, "Why do women who have boyfriends keep contacting me?" And my answer is, "Who cares? You don't have to talk to them!"
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 11
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Friend zone with a twist...
Posted: 9/25/2010 12:00:45 PM

I soon find out about the hidden bf

the most effective way to fend off a man she's not interested in is to trot out some version of 'i'm spoken for.' it usually works whether it's true or not. the same with the 'i see you as a brother' line. for dating purposes, these statements have no meaning whatsoever at face value - only below the surface, and that meaning is 'i'm not interested.'

so trying to figure out why spoken-for women are contacting you in an exercise is time and energy wasting, seeing as how you don't even know if they're telling the truth. remember that in datespeak, only yes means yes. everything else means no, including 'maybe.' these women are saying many things to you, but none of them add up to 'yes,' and that's all the information you need.

The twist is that in the 3-4 times this has happened the girl has been the one who made first contact, which is where I'm stumped. It makes sense if the man is trying to chat the girl up... simple answer is that they're not attracted to you but why do they bother going out of the way to make contact with someone just for the friend zone?

they're not setting out to friend-zone you - they're setting out to investigate you, and you're coming up short. don't look at first emails as statements of attraction - look at them as invitations to discover and be discovered. some women will buy a car without sitting behind the wheel, but most won't.
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 12
Friend zone with a twist...
Posted: 9/25/2010 12:31:24 PM

they're not setting out to friend-zone you - they're setting out to investigate you, and you're coming up short.

True, OP. Women can contact you and then realize you're not their cup of tea. We don't have to date you just because we make the first move. We're initiating to find out more...sometimes what we find out isn't for us. *shrug*

Maybe they trot out the excuse of a BF BECAUSE they made the first move and feel bad saying something like "man, I liked you more when I didn't know anything. What was I thinking?"
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 14
Friend zone with a twist...
Posted: 9/25/2010 1:19:59 PM
^^^Doesn't matter. Same difference. Whether it stays online or goes offline and you get a couple dates in, people decide not to continue hanging out with other people and change their minds all the time. Doesn't matter who started it. Anyone is free to back out if they aren't interested.
Joined: 11/15/2009
Msg: 15
Friend zone with a twist...
Posted: 9/25/2010 2:50:17 PM
I have a great guy friend I've been talking to for ever, he's like a brother, cuz he listens to all my bytching, and moaning about this guy, and that guy, and blah blah blah. Ironically today, during the middle of me bytching about something, mid conversation he had to call one of his friends. And he will talk to me later.

OP, don't be that for them from the beginning, if you never intend for it to stay there. Cut her short, show some cohonies (sp?), it won't make you an ass, it just make it so that your not that adorable back up guy they can use to inflate their ego's, cuz if they wanted you they could snap and you would come running.

If you want platonic female friends, you better start viewing them as a sister, ect, if you can't then NEXT her, and keep fishing.

~Good luck ,
Joined: 9/7/2008
Msg: 16
Friend zone with a twist...
Posted: 9/25/2010 4:02:51 PM
How does a man get trapped in the Friend Zone?

She’s not attracted to you...

Oh, sure, she finds you funny, charming, fun to be with -- but you just don’t rock her world. Short of a new hairstyle and wardrobe (or maybe reincarnation), there’s not a lot you can do about this, so don’t kid yourself. Sometimes it’s just the way it is -- you don’t want to hit the sheets with every woman you meet, do you? If she‘s just not into you, you have a choice to make: Either stay as her friend or blow her off for more productive territory.

You don’t have the goods...

When it comes to choosing men for sex, each woman has a different set of criteria. If you don’t have what she deems 'sponge-worthy', you’ll be immediately dumped into the Friend Zone.

You’re a doormat...

She has relegated you to friend status because you’re way too nice, too accommodating and too ass-kissing. She knows she can have you just by snapping her fingers. You follow her around like a moon-eyed puppy dog. You try to impress her. You think you can buy her attention with flowers, gifts and expensive meals. You are a wuss and she can’t wait to castrate you and make you her best girlfriend who’ll look after her pets while she goes running off for the weekend with a tattooed biker.

She’s a psycho...

She’s been abused or brutalized by the Bad Boys she’s voluntarily chosen to date (and she blames her bad choices on the men themselves, of course), so now she can’t even begin to establish a normal relationship with a normal guy. These women are famous for aggressively flirting with a man, then reacting with horror when he comes on to her (“I thought we were friends”). The only male a psycho can psychologically deal with is a nonsexual “friend.”

Is there any way to escape the Friend Zone? NOPE, but there are ways to avoid buying a condo there with the next babe you see as a potential mattress aerobics partner.

Make yourself scarce. Don't act like her puppy dog and don’t be so available. Don’t get together with her at the drop of a hat. Don't take EVERY call from her. Wait a day or two to return one of her phone calls. Be a challenge, not a doormat.

Start from jumpstreet treating her like a girlfriend. Ask her out on dates. Take her to romantic places. Put your arm around her.

Be a challenge. Be unpredictable. Keep her guessing, but interested. Never let her think that she’s got you by the cojones. There’s a huge difference between wanting her and needing her, and most women can tell.
Joined: 3/29/2008
Msg: 17
Friend zone with a twist...
Posted: 9/25/2010 5:50:11 PM

Start from jumpstreet treating her like a girlfriend. Ask her out on dates. Take her to romantic places. Put your arm around her.

Sounds creepy to me. I never initiate contact first, it conveys a creepy or needy vibe, and lowers your value.
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 19
Friend zone with a twist...
Posted: 9/26/2010 10:39:03 AM
This doesn't just happen to guys, it happens to girls too. The 3 guys that made first contact with me in the past year after about 2-3 weeks gave me the friendzone treatment. I always wondered why they did that when they made contact with me first and I think it has to do with this fantasy. You see someone online and you instantly have this fantasy on what you think they are and then when you finally meet them and get to know them and they don't match up to your fantasy, then you move into the friendzone.
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 20
Friend zone with a twist...
Posted: 9/26/2010 2:12:44 PM

How does a man get trapped in the Friend Zone?

She’s not attracted to you...
in that manner. She may be attracted to you romantically initially, but you opened that door into the friends only club from the get go- either by your initial responses to her or by how you responded to her. This is completely different from having a romantic interest that has the added feature of getting along well as friends, in addition to being bf/gf/ lovers, etc.

JMO, but I disagree with being a challenge and being unavailable, unpredictable etc.
I advocate being yourself and seeing how you interact with a girl by doing so. Isn't this who you be in a relationship if it goes there?
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