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 2fuzy
Joined: 3/12/2006
Msg: 1
why is it ?Page 1 of 1    
that when I treated my dates like I thought a gentleman should and you gals have generally stated you want to be treated I met with very little success unless one counts the few that tried to take advantage of my kindness
Which in truth caused a bit of an attitude shift in me to the point where I could not care less anymore about dating or finding a partner for life soulmate or however one chooses to phrase it and it just became about getting the needs of the moment meet nothing more
Well now I have great luck getting that done with a list of gals who will do whatever the hell I ask in the hopes that I give them some attention which my time is very limited to the point that even if I want to I cannot and yet that just seems to make them try to cling more

So my ? is why do gals choose the later over what I was always told you want ?
I have also noticed if there is one that I think I might be able to care about that if I do show I care it seems to be a turn off and in short I just don't get it
 pamsfl
Joined: 8/14/2009
Msg: 2
why is it ?
Posted: 9/26/2010 9:19:03 AM
It seems you are making broad generalizations based on a couple of experiences you have had in the past. Stop punishing future women for mistakes of past women. I believe you are getting exactly what you want now based on your attitude and the vibes that you are putting out. When you are ready to trust someone again, maybe you will find someone who appreciates your "gentlemanly" qualities, as well as the rest of you.
 forumfishie
Joined: 9/17/2009
Msg: 3
why is it ?
Posted: 9/26/2010 9:32:29 AM
You must be confused
A quality woman, won't stick around long if you are rationing your time
and doing "whatever the hell you ask them to do"
The needy ones will stay, but that's just because they don't have greener pastures
to go to.

"Well now I have great luck getting that done with a list of gals"
So, you must be the catch around your hood
 2fuzy
Joined: 3/12/2006
Msg: 4
why is it ?
Posted: 9/26/2010 9:39:25 AM
not really trying to generalize or punish anyone and sorry if it comes across as such
I am kinda late to the dating game as I married at a young age and spent 20 yrs that way
I am completely honest with those gals I do see as at this time in life I would make a lousy boyfriend and I know it as my work moves me around for months at a time
So it kinda started as me telling that from the beginning as to avoid mutual investment in each other and I find it odd that vinegar is bringing more flies than honey is all and as the analytical fellow I am it makes me wonder why
I also feel a bit guilty about it to tell the truth as I have no desire to see anyone's feelings hurt and have intentionally avoided dating because of this but sometimes I have slipped as we all have needs and those are the times I have noticed this odd phenomenon and as a guy I just don't get it if the shoe was on the other foot I would tell myself to kiss off
 2fuzy
Joined: 3/12/2006
Msg: 5
why is it ?
Posted: 9/26/2010 9:51:54 AM

You must be confused
A quality woman, won't stick around long if you are rationing your time
and doing "whatever the hell you ask them to do"
The needy ones will stay, but that's just because they don't have greener pastures
to go to.

"Well now I have great luck getting that done with a list of gals"
So, you must be the catch around your hood

exactly my point why the hell do they stick around ?
I have had many conversations telling them I am a bad idea right now
and as for the catch around my hood I would have thought I was a better catch before when life was stable and I had $$ falling out of every orifice and could have a relationship not when my biz is down and I am spending months at a time in remote corners of the world
 2fuzy
Joined: 3/12/2006
Msg: 6
why is it ?
Posted: 9/26/2010 10:04:31 AM
Another little thing that strikes me as weird is most of these gals have known me for a long time like 10yrs or more they know me well
 theforumfiend
Joined: 10/21/2007
Msg: 7
why is it ?
Posted: 9/26/2010 11:21:35 AM
And maybe, just maybe, they thought they knew you well enough to think you were desperately seeking a replacement. Men and women tend to pull away from someone they sense will go for just anyone to keep from being alone. It is possible that as you relaxed you probably just became more natural and fun to be around.
 2fuzy
Joined: 3/12/2006
Msg: 8
why is it ?
Posted: 9/26/2010 12:31:27 PM

And maybe, just maybe, they thought they knew you well enough to think you were desperately seeking a replacement. Men and women tend to pull away from someone they sense will go for just anyone to keep from being alone. It is possible that as you relaxed you probably just became more natural and fun to be around.


maybe but I wasn't but I could see how it could be perceived as such and I suppose this could also be looked at as one of those whiny nice guy threads that pop up but its not
as I get the nice guy problem and I don't fit that mold
Maybe it is the classic case of wanting what they can't have makes it seem more appealing .
I guess maybe I should quit wondering the whys and just enjoy it while it lasts
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 9
why is it ?
Posted: 9/26/2010 2:22:44 PM
Maybe it is the classic case of wanting what they can't have makes it seem more appealing. I guess maybe I should quit wondering the whys and just enjoy it while it lasts


Actually may be their age, your apparent "bad boy could care less" image, that they knew you for a long time, knew you had a very LTR and they may perceive a chance to try to become your next Ex wife..
 shakeitupbaby2012
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 10
why is it ?
Posted: 9/26/2010 2:30:26 PM

You must be confused
A quality woman, won't stick around long if you are rationing your time
and doing "whatever the hell you ask them to do"
The needy ones will stay, but that's just because they don't have greener pastures
to go to.

"Well now I have great luck getting that done with a list of gals"
So, you must be the catch around your hood

exactly my point why the hell do they stick around ?


Maybe because you don't listen/ comprehend what you are being told? This above response said it all IMO- that your current 'method' is simply attracting needy people, and that women of quality won't stick around if you're exhibiting these actions and traits, especially since they're based on


an attitude shift in me to the point where I could not care less anymore about dating or finding a partner for life soulmate or however one chooses to phrase it and it just became about getting the needs of the moment meet nothing more
 stella_ardente
Joined: 5/19/2010
Msg: 11
why is it ?
Posted: 9/26/2010 2:55:56 PM
This isn't clear to me from your posts:
You *know* what these women want from you besides "attention"?
They *flat out tell you* they want a relationship that is different than what they have going with you?
Or are you just assuming they want "more" because you "know what women want"?

Anyway, sounds to me like you have some fwb's ... but you (and they?) are calling it "dating."
Try calling it what it is, define it together ... that should clear up confusion.
You may be surprised to discover that some women are willing to while away their time with just enjoying someone's company until someone who really catches their fancy comes along. You know, just like lots of men do.

As to the handful of unsatisfactory post-LTR dating forays that led you to this predicament:
Someone can be the finest, most wonderful human being on planet Earth, and that still won't mean that particular other people will fall in love with him/her, or even want to get to know him/her better. Such is life.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 12
why is it ?
Posted: 9/27/2010 7:07:28 AM
Don't argue with success.
 Delete_Me_Please
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 13
why is it ?
Posted: 9/27/2010 9:01:58 AM
If all you want is to get laid, then keep doing what works. But don't think that treating women well is why things didn't work out before-- you have to look at the whole picture.

Presumably when you were in gentleman mode, that was upon reentry into the dating scene so you might have been somewhat awkward with the women, perhaps even appearing clingy or desperate. And if you pursue women as if you're a potential boyfriend, their standards are usually going to be a lot higher than for just a FB/FWB. These same women who sleep with you now casually might have rejected you if they thought you wanted something more serious.

So if/when you do decide to pursue something more serious, you might want to take it down a notch from before but if you decide to subscribe to the bitter old guy theory that women like to be treated like crap, best of luck with whatever woman you find who appreciates that.
 Chaps2218
Joined: 9/24/2010
Msg: 14
why is it ?
Posted: 9/27/2010 11:39:09 AM
NEVER BE A GENTLEMAN. It's a sure way to get you friend-zoned.
 Chill Pill
Joined: 6/5/2010
Msg: 15
why is it ?
Posted: 9/27/2010 2:21:34 PM
Since you are a self proclaimed bad boy now I won't mince words with you.
You are 43 and a big boy, so I won't try to puddy foot around it either.
Did it ever occur to you that these woman know your not all that available and that they like it?

They like to occasionally USE you. Perhaps you feel better to them then a warmed up dildo, even the battery operated kind?

Maybe they like the fact that your aluth, and distant and unavailable for a real relationship, because they don't really want to be committed.
Perhaps they are having just as much fun with a legion of other men that are lousy boyfriends but maybe a decent enough lay for when they are horny?
They want to avoid a mutual investment tooooo, but like it when you maintenance their azz for them every once in awhile?

Perhaps vinegar is bringing vinegar cuz you don't want a honey.

They say water seeps to it's own level. Maybe these other ladies have just as many other partners as you do? Every once in awhile you become their flavor for the night?Maybe your just on their back burner and after two or three decline, they call you?
Why not? Youre not looking for more than a booty call. You're easy.

If they ARE consenting to what you are being completely honest too, maybe that is ALL THEY WANT FROM YOU. Did you ever figure that? Maybe none of them think
you are relationship material but they don't mind f&Cken with you.

You said: " but sometimes I have slipped as we all have needs "

Maybe they just see you as a way to get their temporary "NEEDS" met. You know,
like you are the bad boy maintenance man, but not someone to get involved with.
Not someone they would really want to have an LTR with... just a piece of ass.

I'm not really trying to generalize or punish you, sorry if I come across as such.... but that could be closer to the truth than what's in your head.

 2fuzy
Joined: 3/12/2006
Msg: 16
why is it ?
Posted: 9/27/2010 4:15:49 PM

Since you are a self proclaimed bad boy now I won't mince words with you.
You are 43 and a big boy, so I won't try to puddy foot around it either.
Did it ever occur to you that these woman know your not all that available and that they like it?
Maybe they just see you as a way to get their temporary "NEEDS" met. You know,
like you are the bad boy maintenance man, but not someone to get involved with.
Not someone they would really want to have an LTR with... just a piece of ass.

Yes it has and I don't have a problem with that at all as at the moment that is all my life will permit


If all you want is to get laid, then keep doing what works. But don't think that treating women well is why things didn't work out before-- you have to look at the whole picture.

Presumably when you were in gentleman mode, that was upon reentry into the dating scene so you might have been somewhat awkward with the women, perhaps even appearing clingy or desperate. And if you pursue women as if you're a potential boyfriend, their standards are usually going to be a lot higher than for just a FB/FWB. These same women who sleep with you now casually might have rejected you if they thought you wanted something more serious.

So if/when you do decide to pursue something more serious, you might want to take it down a notch from before but if you decide to subscribe to the bitter old guy theory that women like to be treated like crap, best of luck with whatever woman you find who appreciates that.


Awkward yes that could have been and probably was as dating was a whole new game to me for awhile and a learning process after being married for most of 20 yrs clingy or desperate I would say probably not as that has just never been me
And I sure don't like the bitter old guy theory at all because I have no desire to treat anyone like crap nor would I be able to respect anyone that put up with such


Maybe because you don't listen/ comprehend what you are being told? This above response said it all IMO- that your current 'method' is simply attracting needy people, and that women of quality won't stick around if you're exhibiting these actions and traits, especially since they're based on

I comprehend but just don't see it as such as that was one of the before problems was the gals I had a margin of success at that time I would have described as needy and one of the reasons my attitude shifted was I got sick of being a babysitter
that and my time became drastically limited to much so I felt to peruse any kind of relationship and so I quit asking gals out at all as when I said I couldn't care less it was simply I have more pressing things that need my attention before I can even think of being worth a damn as a any kind of partner


They say water seeps to it's own level. Maybe these other ladies have just as many other partners as you do? Every once in awhile you become their flavor for the night?Maybe your just on their back burner and after two or three decline, they call you?
Why not? Youre not looking for more than a booty call. You're easy.

not the the case as it does no good to call me as my life goes like this I have been in ND for 3 weeks out of the last month home for 4 days back to ND for a couple days then off to Russia and Iraq then who knows

it is funny how this thread as kinda got some opinions ranging from scoldings to anger when the question is really about a behavior I noticed in the opposite sex that I simply find puzzling
 forumfishie
Joined: 9/17/2009
Msg: 17
why is it ?
Posted: 9/27/2010 4:21:49 PM
If Ain't broke
Why fix it??
Good for you OP
Keep up the good work!
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 18
why is it ?
Posted: 9/27/2010 8:11:02 PM
Hey, anybody can find people to date or have sex with who don't respect themselves. That's easy. And not really all that much fun, at least, after a while, as you've noticed.

While social dichotomies are interesting in and of themselves, I doubt you'd be asking this question if you weren't at least considering that maybe you might prefer someone who does respect herself.

Those are harder to find, and even harder to get interested in you, specifically. But, having taken a look at your posting history, I'm thinking you might now finally be in an emotional place where it's worth the time and effort, or at least be getting close to it. Otherwise why ask? Why here?

You're a smart guy, the answer to the overt question is obvious enough. You've been choosing women about whom you're not serious, who don't respect themselves. Well, duh.

IMO this is not your real question. I opine that your real question is, "How do I find that one that I do care about, whom I do respect and want in my life? (Concurrently, "How do I know her when I find her? How do I know if she can feel the same?)"

To which there is no definitive answer, 'cause, cliché though it is, this is true - it's different for all of us.

But, if my surmise is even remotely close to accurate, I applaud the steps you've taken, and wish you the best of luck!
 That Handy Man
Joined: 11/23/2008
Msg: 19
why is it ?
Posted: 9/27/2010 8:26:01 PM
DING DING DING, we have a winner! A man who sees the light!

Doing things for women and spending money does not make them attracted to you unless they are takers/users!

Stop that behavior and find a giving woman who likes you for you.

And, stop listening to women! What they say they want, and what triggers attraction within them are totally different things! If you don't have a woman that has a deep gut level attraction for you, you don't have anything worth pursuing!
 2fuzy
Joined: 3/12/2006
Msg: 20
why is it ?
Posted: 9/28/2010 8:36:16 AM
Not a pity thread at all as it is really not about me at all
Just a question about a behavior I have observed it is funny how such a simple question turns into Lucy's psychiatrist booth

While social dichotomies are interesting in and of themselves, I doubt you'd be asking this question if you weren't at least considering that maybe you might prefer someone who does respect herself.

it is really about the question I asked
I find it interesting that folks can make judgments about folks level of self respect maybe they do maybe they don't

Those are harder to find, and even harder to get interested in you, specifically. But, having taken a look at your posting history, I'm thinking you might now finally be in an emotional place where it's worth the time and effort, or at least be getting close to it. Otherwise why ask? Why here?

while generalizing is an unavoidable part of this question as it is about a general trend I have noticed that I now seem to be more attractive to the opposite sex in general
And this is the ask a girl section who better to ask about why girls behave like they do at least that was what I thought would be a logical place to ask such but the guys here have been much more to the point while about every gal has tried to turn this question around

You're a smart guy, the answer to the overt question is obvious enough. You've been choosing women about whom you're not serious, who don't respect themselves. Well, duh.

of course as I am in no position to be serious but I am merely the common prop in this behavior and would not have noticed if I wasn't


Let's cut to the chase, OP, and tell you what you want to hear:

"Oh, poor you! You're so awesome and these women are just crazy not to be drooling all over you. There is something wrong with them. There is nothing wrong with you."

Now that that's done, you will be able to move on with satisfaction when this thread gets deleted.

I don't recall a poor me part in any of this as for me it is all good confusing but good all I have been able to glean from this thread for the most part is gals have very little idea why they behave the way they do or that it would violate some secret agreement to say so
Most answers have been to comment on the lack of respect for themselves that these women must have somewhat catty it seems
all in all for what its worth the lack of addressing the simple question has been more interesting then those that actually addressed it
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