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 TherapistGal
Joined: 3/28/2010
Msg: 1
Refered to himself as my boyfriend...Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Hi all, I have been dating a man I met on match and I really like him. It seems he really likes me, too. We talk on the phone almost every night for 1-3 hours. He's sweet, smart, and funny. He is divorced (for about a yr) and has 2 young children who he has full custody of. Next time we were together I was going to ask him if he's seeing anyone else and all that. However, last night when we were talking over the phone he refered to himself as my boyfriend. He said it in middle of a joke very casually. I'm just wondering why he didn't talk to me about it and I think it's rather presumptuous. I do really like him and I'm ready to be exclusive, but feel that he should have talked to me. I don't know when we're going out next - we were going to tonight, but his sitter went out of town. So what I'm thinking of doing is just asking him on the phone. Something like, "So are you seeing or talking to anyone else?" Any advice?
Refered to himself as my boyfriend...
Posted: 10/8/2010 1:46:07 PM
it's hard to get a take on the 'i'm your boyfriend' thing without a whole lot more explanation for sake of context. but what seems evident is you attach great significance to the 'girlfriend/boyfriend' labels, and assume he attaches the same significance. you might gain a more accurate picture if you find out what it means to him, rather than assuming. was he being playful, or joking? maybe sending out a feeler?

be that as it may, 'are you dating anyone else?' is a fair question. but what will you do if he says yes?
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 3
Refered to himself as my boyfriend...
Posted: 10/8/2010 1:53:48 PM
OP- I think this guy is a despicable, presumptuous manipulator who has no feelings for you.

you might not be able to trust him, as this is likely a sign of deeper issues he is harboring...control freak comes to mind...





honestly- I would NOT make a big deal about it at all...YET...go ahead and initiate the "exclusive" talk if that is what you desired before you heard him refer to you as his bf...
 TherapistGal
Joined: 3/28/2010
Msg: 4
Refered to himself as my boyfriend...
Posted: 10/8/2010 2:00:05 PM
We were playing and joking around, but the way he said it was calling himself my bf. We were actually discussing the weekend I think. My car broke down this week and I think I said something like, "I'll have plenty of time to clean my apartment since I'm not really going anywhere," and he responded with something like, "Because your jerk boyfriend isn't coming to take you out." Something like that. I kind of wonder if he was sending out a feeler to see what I would say/do. If he says he's seeing other people I won't put all my eggs in 1 basket and I won't be talking to him on the phone so much. I'll be guarding against getting attached.
 duckpie
Joined: 9/27/2010
Msg: 5
Refered to himself as my boyfriend...
Posted: 10/8/2010 2:02:34 PM

he refered to himself as my boyfriend. He said it in middle of a joke very casually. I'm just wondering why he didn't talk to me about it and I think it's rather presumptuous. I do really like him and I'm ready to be exclusive, but feel that he should have talked to me.

Would referring to himself as your "dating but haven't had a talk about commitment so it's still somewhat casual but not to say it can't or won't be more serious, and not to say I am not interested in making this more serious, or that I don't see this as serious now but we simply haven't spoken about it, and we just need to talk about it" guy have made the joke more funny?

How about if he used "your dater guy."

Sometimes words are used simply because they are easier, the other person may not have the same serious connotations and associations that you do with them.


So what I'm thinking of doing is just asking him on the phone. Something like, "So are you seeing or talking to anyone else?" Any advice?

Control the need for immediate gratification and don't ask him over the phone?
Although I am a firm believer of not chatting every day for 1-3 hours on the phone.
So I guess you have to ask him, as you've set up that situation already, and it's going to be an unpleasant phone conversation if you have something on your mind but you sit there and try to suppress it.

So if I were you (which I know I am not) I would say something more like "The other day you referred to yourself as my boyfriend. Do you see that as a responsibility you assume or a title I bestow upon you?"

Personally I would never ask if someone is dating another person.
Simply because it really is none of my business.
If I can't figure it out for myself then I am either not paying attention or I simply haven't been around long enough to learn much about who they are and if they are that type of person.

What I would do is (try my best to be) honest, direct, clear, and concise with my intentions and my decisions as it concerns my behavior that affects them.
Such as communicate my own choice of monogamy or whatever in only dating the other person.

If they are dating other people, they are not going to have time for me.
Then they are either going to be honest about what they are doing, and I can bow out if I don't want to be part of the group, or they are going to lie to me and that always comes out eventually.

One thing not all that clear in the OP is if you have some sort of suspicion that he is seeing other people, and possibly lying to you...like saying his sitter went out of town, because all parents only know one sitter...
Or if you "really" feel ready for some asinine commitment "talk" and believe that agreeing to something will control his behavior.

IOW if you want to know if he is committed to you, pay attention to the relationship between his words and behavior, asking and testing is pointless.
If he tells you the truth, great.
If he lies to you, how will you know, you will think he is telling the truth. It's just a false sense of security, and if you have to ask him it means you don't really know him, so have no means to determine if he is lying.

Or IEOW if you have to have a special "talk" or ask the questions, then it's obviously not the right time (it never is IMO), and you are simply asking them to make a guarantee to live up to your expectations and take responsibility for your desires...IMO.


I'm ready to be exclusive

Is this one of those payment things?
Like when people say "I love you unconditionally...as long as you love me."
Or "I am totally committed to you....as long as you are committed to me."
With the underlying assumption to both being followed with "and if you don't or aren't, then you are the bad guy."
 TherapistGal
Joined: 3/28/2010
Msg: 6
Refered to himself as my boyfriend...
Posted: 10/8/2010 2:12:58 PM
No, I don't think he's dating other women. (His mom always babysits and she's out of town. Don't think he's lying there.) I just don't know how else to bring it up. And I feel that we should communicate something. Right? I just don't want to attach myself if he's not. I don't want to assume anything. And in my mind, when I hear boyfriend, I think in an exclusive relationship. Also, since he refered to himself as my bf, why shouldn't I ask if he's seeing others?
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 7
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Refered to himself as my boyfriend...
Posted: 10/8/2010 2:14:13 PM
Just wondering how long you've been seeing each other. And I mean seeing, not talking on the phone.
 Delete_Me_Please
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 8
Refered to himself as my boyfriend...
Posted: 10/8/2010 2:18:35 PM
He made a quip based on your behaviors with each other, which appear to be on the same page, so I don't see it as particularly presumptuous nor would I consider it confirmation that you're exclusive.

I do think he gave you a good opening for the exclusive talk but I don't like this question:


So are you seeing or talking to anyone else?

That's just fishing and I don't see the real purpose of it. If you'd like to be in an exclusive relationship with him, just say so.
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 9
Refered to himself as my boyfriend...
Posted: 10/8/2010 2:28:41 PM
This whole thread is silly honestly.

OP- if you like him and he likes you...why in the world did you come back to a dating website??


I'm more worried about you and think that perhaps you're maybe not ready to be his BF...


absurd....


quit analyzing things into the ground...it will get you nowhere with men..
 SilentInk
Joined: 3/20/2010
Msg: 10
Refered to himself as my boyfriend...
Posted: 10/8/2010 2:36:52 PM
Wow, talk about over analyzing something that shouldn't even be an issue. Your critical thinking is clearly not needed in this case. If a man said that to me especially if he and I were joking around prior to that statement, I would laugh it off as a cute silly joke. Because that's exactly what it was. I think it's presumptuous of you OP, to assume he was being presumptuous.
 Red Fish GF
Joined: 12/3/2009
Msg: 11
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Refered to himself as my boyfriend...
Posted: 10/8/2010 2:39:16 PM

I'm not sure I can see what the problem is, to be honest, OP. You like this man, he evidently likes you. You're ready to be exclusive with him, but yet you're upset he was "presumptuous" by calling himself your boyfriend?



I agree, I would of loved it if he had said that before I asked the question. It would of helped me since I almost was too afraid to ask.


I think the joke was his way of telling you he wanted to be considered your boyfriend. I see nothing wrong with asking him if he is dating anyone else.


I have a LD relationship with a man I met on another dating site. After two months of us dating almost every weekend and talking to each other every day I wanted to know if he considered us starting a relationship. I had not went on dates with anyone else but wanted to know if I should keep my options open. I brought up the subject in an email, most of our conversations that aren't in person take place through messages. "I was just wondering since we are dating are we suppose to be dating others?" Then I went on to say because I found it easier to turn down unwanted dates by telling them I was already dating someone. He replied back he had been wondering what I would think if he referred to me as his girlfriend. "I’m glad you brought up subject I didn’t know how you would react if I referred to you as my girlfriend." He didn't want to rush things and was still in the process of finalizing his divorce. It turns out he did go on one other date with someone else but felt no connection. We have been happily together for over a year.


Good luck!
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 12
Refered to himself as my boyfriend...
Posted: 10/8/2010 2:41:55 PM
Yes, that was a feeler.
Everything sounds good for you so far OP.

Instead of asking him if he is wanting to still date around...
Ask him if you and he could exclusively date each other.
Tell him that's what a jerk boyfriend is for.
:-P

good Luck!
 sean_nyc
Joined: 3/15/2010
Msg: 13
Refered to himself as my boyfriend...
Posted: 10/8/2010 2:42:43 PM
if you like him and he likes you...why in the world did you come back to a dating website??
Good Point....
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 14
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Refered to himself as my boyfriend...
Posted: 10/8/2010 2:58:05 PM
^^^ they're not exclusive, so there's no reason she SHOULDN'T be on a dating site.
 TherapistGal
Joined: 3/28/2010
Msg: 15
Refered to himself as my boyfriend...
Posted: 10/8/2010 3:02:37 PM
Don't be haters, people...
 StarshipNarrator
Joined: 6/30/2010
Msg: 16
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Refered to himself as my boyfriend...
Posted: 10/8/2010 3:11:33 PM

Don't be haters, people...


"Haters gonna hate." :/
 motown cowgirl
Joined: 6/30/2010
Msg: 17
Refered to himself as my boyfriend...
Posted: 10/8/2010 3:13:39 PM
you want to be exclusive, but you wanted him to ask you first? doesn't this require a list of interrogatories from your attorney also? whaaat, he violated your secret protocol???


this stuff just blows my mind! good god, just ask him already. but perhaps you should proceed your inquiry with a stern warning about the unauthorized use of the word "boyfriend". cuz that's a potential dealbreaker, huh.
 RushLuv
Joined: 4/16/2009
Msg: 18
Refered to himself as my boyfriend...
Posted: 10/8/2010 5:08:36 PM
OP,

Instead of asking him if he's seeing someone else, perhaps you should try asking him out and see how he reacts to that. If he reacts in a positive way, and accepts, cool. You're in. Cheers.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 19
Refered to himself as my boyfriend...
Posted: 10/8/2010 5:23:36 PM
I'd have said something like "no he hasn't come to take me out, but that's ok I'd rather talk to you", which also would have been a joke, but would have brought the topic to a point of discussion.
 Crabby_McCrabberson
Joined: 8/11/2010
Msg: 20
Referred to himself as my boyfriend...
Posted: 10/8/2010 6:02:48 PM
Dear Haters: I gotcher hate (swingin').
Where's Frau Blucher when we need her? "Go ahead! Say it! He vuss my BoyFriend!!"

o.k.
Those who claim boyfriend status too soon do so from immaturity, inexperience, trying to rush (or to fake) a connection.

Since you were ready for him to ask, that doesn't sound like what this is.
If you two are on the same page but have different communication styles, that can be worked through.

Keep in mind that intentionally or not, during early dating days, we are setting up patterns of interaction.

So don't condemn the man before you know his reasoning. Why condemn him at all, in fact?
 shanetheguy
Joined: 10/20/2009
Msg: 21
Referred to himself as my boyfriend...
Posted: 10/8/2010 6:31:52 PM
Can I add a bit of, perhaps, an alternate perspective?

Think about his side of things. He probably likes you too. He's probably wondering if you're seeing someone else, too. He's probably trying to figure out a way to bring it up.

What's a good way to test the water and see if you can become a girl's boyfriend? Talk about it. But that's too deep -- too easy to cause trouble, or friction. What's a good way to defuse that? Tell a joke about it!

This isn't theoretical. I've done it myself -- tested a girl for potential commitment by jokingly referring to myself as her boyfriend. I've had good and bad from it, but I've never had a girl take offense, to be honest. You should probably relax a bit.

He's just trying to see if you're willing to accept him as a boyfriend -- trying to see if you have anyone else or whatever. He's not trying to usurp the status; it's just a safe way to ask if it's all right if he applies for it. It's basically exactly what you want. Be happy. Geez. :)
 Gashlycrumb_Briny
Joined: 9/26/2010
Msg: 22
Refered to himself as my boyfriend...
Posted: 10/8/2010 6:42:12 PM
He likes to posit humourous hypotheticals; she like ceremonial Bestowing of Titles; how will love fare in this direct vs. indirect communication styles clash?
 Paddy_o_Lantern
Joined: 12/9/2009
Msg: 23
Referred to himself as my boyfriend...
Posted: 10/8/2010 6:43:14 PM
OP me thinks you fret too much about insignificant phrases bandied about. How about you just say to this guy " So your my boyfriend now... what's with that!" or maybe something a little less blunt if it's more your style. Anyone who calls themselves The Rapist Gal ought to know it's all about communication.
 scottey63
Joined: 3/8/2008
Msg: 24
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Refered to himself as my boyfriend...
Posted: 10/8/2010 6:58:19 PM
My advice is to ask yourself why you think it was "presumptuous" to refer to himself as your boyfriend, in a joking manner, when he was talking to you. It's not as if he was introducing you to friends or family and surprising you by referring to you as his girlfriend.

After all, this isn't junior high, where a guy asks a girl "Will you be my girlfriend?" I think he said it a way of testing the waters to see how you'd react.
 Red Fish GF
Joined: 12/3/2009
Msg: 25
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Referred to himself as my boyfriend...
Posted: 10/8/2010 7:04:38 PM

Think about his side of things. He probably likes you too. He's probably wondering if you're seeing someone else, too. He's probably trying to figure out a way to bring it up.


Exactly! He's probably scared to rush things so he tried to find out your feelings in a humorous way. I still don't understand if you were planning on asking him why his joke was offensive to you.



He's just trying to see if you're willing to accept him as a boyfriend -- trying to see if you have anyone else or whatever. He's not trying to usurp the status; it's just a safe way to ask if it's all right if he applies for it. It's basically exactly what you want. Be happy. Geez. :)


What Shane said.
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