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 Puppydog54
Joined: 7/30/2008
Msg: 2
Issues with Rejection?Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I answer all of my emails too... because I think it's the decent thing to do.

But as far as your problem... you simply need to realize that that's the way life works; not everyone is going to be interested in the same people.

You don't do these women a favor by leading them on. Even though it might be hard for you, the truly kind thing to do is say something like, "I think you're a great person but I just don't think we're a match. Best of luck!" Believe me, they can take it.
 L2hot4tv
Joined: 9/6/2010
Msg: 4
Issues with Rejection?
Posted: 10/11/2010 11:39:43 AM
Simple answer: Grow and pair and just reject. Ladies do it all the time.

More in depth: I think maybe you should just end it saying you had a great time, but you feel like there wasn't a connection. You know let them off as easy as you can.

If that fails, just tell them you're gay
 L2hot4tv
Joined: 9/6/2010
Msg: 6
Issues with Rejection?
Posted: 10/11/2010 11:51:26 AM

Here is the thing. All my life I have had this very bad habit of formulating opinion about a person within minutes of meeting them in person..


That's not a bad habit. That's human nature and we all do it, impossible to get rid of. Sometimes we do change our perspectives though.
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 8
Issues with Rejection?
Posted: 10/11/2010 12:22:29 PM

But honestly I just hate wasting people time.

Then you could quit doing it. But I'm not entirely sure this is really a problem. You're talking two, maybe three, dates? And presumably, the two of you are at least getting along reasonably well, and not having a bad time? What's wrong with that? It isn't like you're waiting three months to say, "You know, I'm not really into this." IMO deciding within two or three dates is entirely reasonable.

And absolutely it isn't a problem to reply with a nice "Thanks, but no thanks" to e-mails. That's polite and pleasant. I do the same and I'm for it.

Letting yourself get pressured into buying things, now, that's a bit of a problem! You can head off the urge by telling salespeople from the outset that you're just looking and don't need any help, thank you. Might take you a little longer to find what you wanted to look over that way, but it'll remove the sense of pressure, and it frees them up to go work over - sorry, work with - another customer.
 peppermint petunias
Joined: 9/2/2009
Msg: 10
Issues with Rejection?
Posted: 10/11/2010 12:48:57 PM

I answer every single email that I get in my box, even when I have no interest at all in the person. I think if they took the time to reach out to me, then the least I can do is respond.


Call me Roooooooooood ...........but that's your first mistake.

You don't owe them anything and if you don't like the photos or profile..you just make it worse.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 11
Issues with Rejection?
Posted: 10/11/2010 1:07:44 PM
I meet someone online and we seem to connect. It gets to the point where we meet in person, if I don't feel any real life chemistry, this is where is gets complicated. Hopefully the feeling is mutual and we both go start fishing someplace else. Or if she is the one not feeling it and let me know, that's ok too. I am a big boy I can deal with being rejected.

Maybe your answer is in here ^^^!! You can accept that there is no romantic interest from the other party, after she lets you know. Maybe you could think back to the times when you've been "rejected" (I don't see a new situation ending as rejection, per se) and try to incorporate some of the same verbiage that you've heard over time.


It's when she see a connection and I don't that I have a real problem. I just have a real hard time telling a woman I am not interested in dating her. So I usually will wind up going out on a second or even third date with this person trying to convince myself that it might happen. It's usually right around the sex stage that they start to realize I honestly am not interested. I refuse to have sex with someone I have no romantic interest in. But then I wind up making the situation much worst that it would have been had I told them about my non interest in the beginning.

For me? I'd rather just cut-bait (BAD POF pun!) after date #1 when it's not going anywhere. I've been interested a few times, yet knew the interest was not reciprocated and I was happy there was no dragging things on. It doesn't sting much after just one date, but? After two or three, the sting becomes a little more potent. I don't do the "hope it will happen" route ~ but I understand those who do. Maybe you need to get to the point where it's just simply painfully obvious the situation isn't going anywhere in order to get to the point???

<
A friend of mine keep telling me I am wishy washy and I need to be more assertive. But honestly I just hate wasting people time. I answer every single email that I get in my box, even when I have no interest at all in the person. I think if they took the time to reach out to me, then the least I can do is respond.

I answer all first-contact mail, as well. It's the polite thing to do!


If I go into a store to look I always wind up buying something if a salesperson helped me. Otherwise I feel guilty thinking she/he could have made a sale with someone else had they not wasted their time with me. I think that might be the same mentality I have when it comes to online dating.

That's interesting. I guess maybe saying, "No, thank you." comes easier for some of us than others. I'm the type of shopper that knows what I want when I go shopping and don't deviate from my "shopping list." No matter what a salesperson tries to sell me. Maybe I meet/date the same way I shop....???


Here is the thing. All my life I have had this very bad habit of formulating opinion about a person within minutes of meeting them in person. Not only in the dating world but in my everyday life as well, this is a habit that I have been trying to break all my life. Why? Because I know I have possibly missed out on having some really great people in my life because of it. So now I keep second guessing myself. Am I rejecting this person because of a real none attraction or solely based on the opinion formulated in the first few minutes. I think I might be overcompensating by going too far in the opposite direction. Believe me this is no fun for me either. See I usually only date one person at a time, that prevents me from getting sidetracked or confused. So it's not only the person in questions time that being wasted.

Old habits do indeed, die hard. Maybe you should just simply start trusting your instincts, forget about your past habits and incorporate a whole new way of doing things. Just set some boundaries for your own self and stick with that, even though it will be uncomfortable at first. (I think it is human nature to pre-judge ~ although we really shouldn't do it.)

~OP~ I have often said that I'd hate to be the person someone "settles" for. That would just be pure suckage!! Likewise? I don't wish to settle, either. I'm a chemistry-junkie. There is no convincing me that a spark can come later in the game, if not present at the onset. It's either there or it isn't ~ for me. I have, like you state, probably missed out on a number of truly amazing people because there was no "woo hoo" in the very beginning. I'd much rather just stop immediately than drag out the inevitable. I think you just need to be honest with yourself first, then if you have to do the proverbial, "I'm sorry, this isn't going to work out." conversation ~ you'll feel much better than worse simply because you were true to you. JMO
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 12
Issues with Rejection?
Posted: 10/11/2010 1:25:02 PM
I have huge issues with rejection. Not being rejected myself, that I am totally immune to, the issue I have is with telling others I have no interest.

I understand. After having to tell a few women I wasn't really interested, I decided that I'd much rather be rejected than have to do the rejecting. I'm not sure what to tell you to do other than say something like, ``You're really nice, but I didn't think we had much chemistry.''

Call me Roooooooooood ...........but that's your first mistake.

I disagree. I also answer all of my mail and at that stage, it's not difficult for a guy to make it clear he isn't interested and be nice about it.
 RushLuv
Joined: 4/16/2009
Msg: 13
Issues with Rejection?
Posted: 10/11/2010 1:41:52 PM
Silly stuff to say the least. If there was no chemistry the first time around, then there would be no more dates beyond the first.

You really shouldn't be wasting those ladies time by trying to build up a spark, that just isn't there. If the spark isn't there the first time, let it go and move on.

If you have no problems with being rejected, then you shouldn't have any issues with rejecting others, either.
 SpecificTruths
Joined: 9/19/2009
Msg: 15
Issues with Rejection?
Posted: 10/11/2010 2:06:58 PM

I disagree. I also answer all of my mail and at that stage, it's not difficult for a guy to make it clear he isn't interested and be nice about it.
Right.
I used to just say, "Thank you for the email and the interest in me. However, I'm not interested. Good luck in finding what you're looking for."
Hell, if you get a bunch of those, you can have the text on hand to copy/paste and save yourself a few ticks.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 16
view profile
History
Issues with Rejection?
Posted: 10/11/2010 2:33:03 PM
I think I have some history of this myself. What got ME to overcome it, was to get it through my head (simply by thinking it through carefully and logically) that I WAS DOING ALL THE THINKING FOR BOTH PEOPLE.
You are not only thinking about YOUR side of things, you are also IMAGINING that you know what every other person in each scenario is all about. That is NOT you being "thoughtful of others," that is you being EGOTISTICAL. Note please that I have no intention of lambasting or insulting you here, I am speaking from the point of view of someone who did EXACTLY this myself for a long time before I finally recognized it.
In my case, the reason I got started doing things that way, was that my father accidentally drilled into me at a very young age, that I always had to think of OTHERS feelings and needs. He meant well, but he got so intense about it, I started to imagine that I had to be responsible, not just for my OWN problems, but for everyone else's too. My brothers and sister suffered from the same delusion, she to the point of a near breakdown before she finally recognized where HER boundaries and responsibilities stopped, and the others began.
So: if necessary, make yourself a sign to read every day that states that YOU are responsible for YOU, and they are responsible for THEM. Respect BOTH their desires, AND their freedom to make the choices THEY want to, in order to go after what they want.
It might also help you to realize that all of us learn as much or more through our defeats (rejections), and that by HOLDING BACK on rejecting someone, you are actually sabotaging THEIR LEARNING EXPERIENCE, simply to protect your own sense of being "nice." And that is NOT a "nice" thing to do.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 17
view profile
History
Issues with Rejection?
Posted: 10/11/2010 2:37:45 PM
your sensitivity is laudable, op, but big girls can handle it.

i've done this three times during my cyber-dating career. two were over the phone, with women whom i had no exclusivity agreement with, and were along the lines of 'i've been seeing someone and i'm going to focus on her, so i won't be calling you again.' one was received amiably, which made me think she wasn't too bothered by it. the other seemed surprised but wasn't openly hostile

the one time in person was at the end of the second date. i said, 'i have to tell you i'm just not feeling it here.' she said she wasn't either, and it was a friendly parting.

maybe these women were just putting on a brave face, or maybe they were grownups who had a healthy perspective on dating. point is, it wasn't the end of their world.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 18
view profile
History
Issues with Rejection?
Posted: 10/11/2010 4:13:17 PM

If I go into a store to look I always wind up buying something if a salesperson helped me. Otherwise I feel guilty thinking she/he could have made a sale with someone else had they not wasted their time with me.

^^^Interesting reflection.

I don't ever feel that in meeting someone that I may be potentially wasting my time or theirs. By time the time I agree to a date, email and phone conversations usually hint at the potential of some real commonalities. There have only been a couple of occasions where I've not been sure and I've agreed to a second date with someone before calling it off. Even at this point this is still at a very cursory exploratory interaction level. Therefore, any feeling of ownership of guilt for having 'wasted one's time', or any consideration that I may have hurt someone, would not imo be warranted or a fair characterization for simply taking a bit more time to make a decision.

I think anyone wanting to date and hoping to find someone needs to be armed with 'the basics' and to me that includes a fairly good idea of the type of person that they'd like to connect with; having the ability to be fairly decisive early on; and finally not being afraid to act in one's best interest. Rejecting and being rejected comes with the territory.
 L2hot4tv
Joined: 9/6/2010
Msg: 19
Issues with Rejection?
Posted: 10/11/2010 4:39:51 PM

Call me Roooooooooood ...........but that's your first mistake.

You don't owe them anything and if you don't like the photos or profile..you just make it worse.


Wrong. You might not owe them anything, but you should at least have the decency to say you're not interested. It's really not that hard and if they took the time to say something you should at least say "Thanks but not interested" or something.
 Delete_Me_Please
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 20
Issues with Rejection?
Posted: 10/11/2010 4:43:57 PM
If you're really going out with them again in an attempt to see if the interest can grow, I see nothing wrong with that (though certainly any physical contact would be leading them on). If you're going out with them again mostly because you don't have the balls to reject them yet, then you're not doing them any favors.

Rejecting someone is easy in this day and age. You just send them a polite email with a sincere compliment thrown in somewhere and include the obligatory phrase "no connection between us" and wish them well in their search. It doesn't have to be painful for you or the recipient, just get it done as soon as your certain there's no future for you two.


If I go into a store to look I always wind up buying something if a salesperson helped me. Otherwise I feel guilty thinking she/he could have made a sale with someone else had they not wasted their time with me.

If a salesperson even comes within three feet of me, I tell them I'm good and I'll let them know if I need anything. I guess it's sort of that way with men, too.
 RushLuv
Joined: 4/16/2009
Msg: 21
Issues with Rejection?
Posted: 10/11/2010 4:49:14 PM

You might not owe them anything, but you should at least have the decency to say you're not interested. It's really not that hard and if they took the time to say something you should at least say "Thanks but not interested" or something.


Wouldn't be a wise thing to do. When I was actively dating on this site, there would be times when I would respond to men letting them know I had no interest in meeting and they would do the usual and ask why as if I owe them an explanation.

Therefore, I disagree with you. None of us owe one another a response, and we aren't obligated to respond, either. Plus, a lot of people seem to mistake a reply for interest.


If you're going out with them again mostly because you don't have the balls to reject them yet, then you're not doing them any favors.


^^^This
 L2hot4tv
Joined: 9/6/2010
Msg: 22
Issues with Rejection?
Posted: 10/11/2010 4:53:49 PM
Now all of us are creeps ladies, a lot of use will get the message the first time around. I have gotten a few "sorry i'm not interested" and I just reply with a "Thank you for taking the time to respond". It's funny, then women say chivalry is dead, maybe that's cuz you guys are killing it yourselves.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 23
view profile
History
Issues with Rejection?
Posted: 10/11/2010 5:00:11 PM
^^^An interesting point, but in truth a lot don't get the message inherent in a rejection email. For whatever reason, my rejection email is often seen as almost as an 'opener'...In my experience, if I'm writing rejection emails to 20 men I usually get about 10 back questioning 'why' or asking other questions that are simply no longer valid when the possibility of an 'us' is off the table.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 25
Issues with Rejection?
Posted: 10/11/2010 8:03:38 PM
Yet another armchair psychoanalysis.

I mean I can understand if you said you don't let it affect your behavior, or how you treat other people, you don't hold a grudge...but to be totally immune to something means it has absolutely no affect or effect on you whatsoever.

Well, I feel like I'm immune to rejection as well and yes, it has absolutely no effect on me.

Which means getting to know them to that point meant nothing. Them as part of your life for however little time had absolutely no influence on your life.

Not to put too fine a point on it, but at that point of getting to know someone, I don't know them, so yes, getting to know them meant nothing at that point, except perhaps a waste of time. Am I supposed to become despondant or something?

So their rejection of you doesn't have any effect because it's not really you they are rejecting?

I value my opinion of me more than I value someone else's opinion of me, especially someone I don't even know. Why should I care what someone else thinks about me? Do you feel marginalized if you reject someone and the person doesn't exhibit the angst you think you merit?
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 26
Issues with Rejection?
Posted: 10/11/2010 11:27:29 PM
OP if you hate wasting people's time...then don't talk to them.


SO- if you meet a girl and don't ""feel it""


then no need to call back and say "oh gosh, here's the reason's i'm not that into you"


you are assuming that these women are feeling the chemistry too.




i mean- i may call once after a 1st date where I knew there might not be a second date...small talk ....

and i don't call her back at that point.


and if she doesn't call me back then she really didn't have that much chemistry with me either.
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 27
Issues with Rejection?
Posted: 10/12/2010 12:25:09 AM

I disagree with replying to messages to say "Thanks but I'm not interested" especially after they wrote you a nice message. Who really wants to see that? Wouldn't it be better to just not get a reply then to have your inbox flooded with " Thanks but Im not interested" ?

According to the great majority who have thanked me for not leaving them hanging, no. Maybe it's in the wording. I aim to be kind, and genuinely appreciative that they wrote, but definite. This may be a generational difference, to some extent, although it's a very very common complaint on the forums by people of all ages that they got no reply, not even a "no, thanks."

Anyway, I still have a hard time seeing 2-3 dates as some great waste of time, but for those who feel that way, as it appears the OP does, how 'bout this... just think about what you'd probably find yourself saying two dates hence, and say it on the first instead, if really certain that nothing might develop there.
 arwen52
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 28
view profile
History
Issues with Rejection?
Posted: 10/12/2010 10:55:19 PM


If I go into a store to look I always wind up buying something if a salesperson helped me. Otherwise I feel guilty thinking she/he could have made a sale with someone else had they not wasted their time with me. I think that might be the same mentality I have when it comes to online dating.


Sounds like a major problem of being a people-pleaser to the extent that you will sacrifice your own well-being (i.e. spending money you don't particularly want to) in order to take care of someone else, like a salesperson. I mean, that's not a person you have obligations to, like your children. They are supposed to be there to take care of you, not the other way around.

Ever heard of CoDependents Anonymous? You might want to check out a meeting.

Telling someone "Thanks but no thanks" is not always pleasant, but the alternative is leading them on. Which is worse?
 Delete_Me_Please
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 30
Issues with Rejection?
Posted: 10/13/2010 10:36:21 AM
^^ It doesn't require that much effort on your part to chase a woman off. Two words for you: fanny pack.
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 31
Issues with Rejection?
Posted: 10/13/2010 10:59:38 AM

Two words for you: fanny pack.



But don't they have to do that on the first date?
 Delete_Me_Please
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 32
Issues with Rejection?
Posted: 10/13/2010 11:08:13 AM

But don't they have to do that on the first date?

I could be married for 25 years and if my husband wore a fanny pack on a date, it would be all over. It's really the ultimate break-up device.
 RushLuv
Joined: 4/16/2009
Msg: 34
Issues with Rejection?
Posted: 10/13/2010 11:39:15 AM
^^^That's just as bad as a woman asking/telling her man to pick up personal feminine products.
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