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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > How long is too long to go ignored?      Home login  
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 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 6
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How long is too long to go ignored?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I think a better question is, what do you DO about such behaviors.
Some of what you describe as "ignoring you" would be what I'd categorize as "getting some distance in order to calm down and think things through." That's a very different thing than simply ignoring, which is more like "pretending you aren't there." When someone needs to calm themselves and collect their thoughts, I would leave them to however long it takes them...pushing for them to solve their emotions, or demanding that they answer before they are ready will tend to ENSURE that the outcome is negative.
When someone is ignoring me as a MANIPULATIVE TRICK, and they do so repeatedly, I generally lose interest in being a part of their lives. Now if it's a family member (hasn't happened), everything changes...tolerance rises, willingness to try to help in spite of such behavior rises to 100%, because that's MY way of dealing with family.
One caution I'd suggest for you to keep in mind, since your own tolerance has declined so greatly, is that NON FACE TO FACE instances of "being ignored" can often be mistakes of perception. Modern technology is notoriously unreliable and unpredictable, especially when using computer or telephone communications. SOMETIMES results are instant, but quite often, and without any way to tell it's happened from your end, messages will be delayed. Servers can go offline at any time, and carry messages with them, sometimes delaying them for DAYS. It happens on my cell phone all the time, and though more rarely, happens with email as well.
Finally, you might consider the "natural and logical consequences" approach, which is recommended by many child-care people. If you ask someone to help you with something, or to participate in an activity, and they appear to ignore you, simply stay on schedule with your plans, and arrange not to require them. If they ARE playing a game with you, the natural consequence of being left out will make it clear to them that YOU wont play games, or be controlled by their petulance. In this way, you can avoid getting yourself angry, which is very unpleasant and destructive, both with children, and with friends.
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 7
How long is too long to go ignored?
Posted: 10/24/2010 5:29:34 AM
The people who push others away when they are 'dealing with stuff' need to know that while that is a choice available to them, the people they pushed away may not be willing to be pulled back after. That is thier choice.

Mature people deal head on, explain whats going on and ask for time to deal. Then they follow through and deal.

The important people in your life will understand, but the onus is on the one who asked for the time to come back and tell that person the period of time requested alone is over and make some plans. You cannot expect to push people away and that they literally sit there waiting for you. Life moves onward whether you are involved in it or not.

You make the choice to push someone away, then be prepared that there may be nothing you can do to entice them back after. Know that before you make the choice and accept thier choice in the matter as you expected them to accept yours.

I have had a few people ignore me without explanation...and come back expecting me to be pleased. Uhm nope. And they are not getting an explanation either. I give as good as I get. I am not for being taken for granted and I will not be waiting for someone who felt walking away from me was the best answer to a problem.
 GrandmaBooBoo
Joined: 12/30/2006
Msg: 15
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How long is too long to go ignored?
Posted: 10/24/2010 10:14:46 AM

Or others go on indefinitely angry and carry the cold shoulder treatment all the way to the grave.
Ya know, it occurs to me that YOU could be misinterpreting "I'm DONE" with just being "ignored". LOL! as one of those who carries my "I dont care" to the grave...I've been asked before "how long" I'm going to remain "angry"....when in REALITY....I wasn't angry....AT ALL....I was quite simply...DONE.

The suggesting that we just TELL somone one when we've reached that point IS a good one; HOWEVER, there are those who still will NOT get it! LOL! I.E.....my last boyfriend didn't "get it"...for almost 3 years! He was at least smart enough to understand that I wasn't "angry"...he just couldn't comprehend that I no longer CARED.
For some very odd reason, there are those who just will not accept even the most direct language......"I no longer CARE enough to be either your friend OR your enemy". Believe it or not....being someone's "enemy" shows that you care enough to BE angry. For me at least...when I don't care.....they get NO emotional response from me either way. It's certainly NOT planned to motivate them to step up their attempts to "make up"...quite the contrary.

Hence my interpretation of "being ignored" is....."I don't CARE"....at which point....I MOVE ON......IMMEDIATELY.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 18
How long is too long to go ignored?
Posted: 10/24/2010 11:08:09 AM

How Long is "Too Long" to be ignored before you just let it go and move on? A day? A week? Longer? or not at all?

For me? I used to beat dead horses and bury them ~ trying to keep the peace and make it all better. I no longer do that. When it's obvious there is an impasse that is not going to be meet in the middle, or there simply is no reason to remain in the "fix it" mode, I don't. No ignoring necessary ~ it's just over. There are some times when the wounds are too deep to stitch shut and there are times when it's just best to walk away knowing there is nothing to salvage. Relationships (no matter what the relationship is, i.e.: DNA attachments, long-term friendships, etc.) change. Sometimes they become deeper and sometimes they are toxic to the point of unhealthy and when that's the case, I no longer indulge. Everyone does it differently. JMO
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 20
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How long is too long to go ignored?
Posted: 10/24/2010 11:21:59 AM
So some of you are saying that if people don't react your way then they are ignorant/immature/controlling? How about they are different than you in how they deal with conflict. It's one thing to use time to manipulate someone, and needing time & space to deal with one's own feelings. If me needing time to decide how I feel and if I'm right or wrong in the situation, then by all means, dump me and move on. But don't try to control me with ignorant immature pushing to make a decision I'm not ready to make yet.
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 27
How long is too long to go ignored?
Posted: 10/24/2010 2:13:08 PM
If we're talking about a romantic relationship and we had a fight, I'd try to talk to the other person and smooth things over, perhaps apologize to them if I'd done something to hurt them. If after that, they continued to ignore me, I would back off and give them a week or so to cool down, then try to talk to them again.

If they continued to freeze me out after that, I'd let them go. I prefer to handle conflict by talking things out rather than giving someone the cold shoulder. I detest the silent treatment, and anyone I'm involved with who attempts to use this disrespectful, manipulative, passive-aggressive tactic with me will quickly find out that I'm no longer interested.

After the show is over, when they finally do come out for their curtain call, I'll no longer be sitting in the theater.
 GrandmaBooBoo
Joined: 12/30/2006
Msg: 28
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How long is too long to go ignored?
Posted: 10/24/2010 5:02:57 PM

The "silent treatment" comes up on lists of abusive behavior.
Ohhhhh My, my, my goodness!!! This comment REALLY needs to be addressed, for 2 very important reasons.

1) The "silent treatment" CAN be a sign of abuse.
2) The ABUSIVE Person WILL.....ALWAYS...turn the tables on the "abusee" and label them as being the abusive (or manipulative one) when that person is merely, and innocently and maturely "walking away" from an argument which has no point, and which has historically lead only to MORE arguing and abuse.

I do agree that the silent treatment IS immature behavior when it's instituted for the purpose of manipulation. HOWEVER; as ANYONE who has ever dealt with an abusive mate, relative or friend will tell you....the FIRST "line of defense" in breaking the cycle of abuse is to IGNORE the abuser. I.E. Hanging up without saying a word when they call....simply hanging up the phone...NOT slamming it down. Unfortunately....MOST abusers do NOT recoginze or acknowledge PLAIN LANGUAGE....so when their "victims" are merely staying out of their way...the abuser sees it as..."IGNORING" them. (Example: after I had moved 100 miles away from my ex boyfriend, changed my phone number so that he could not call.....LOL! he wrote me email after email saying that I was "Ignoring" him. One stated...."I've called you 15 times today and you won't talk to me!!!"...so, I'm coming down there and you're going to be SORRY!" Needless to say...I took the email to the police, went out of state for 4 days visit my Dad, and came home to my house being vandalized, my computer stolen, most of my clothes shredded or missing.


In their defense - women will also say quite often, that they feel they aren't being heard.
LOL! Well, I can't speak for "women" in general; but that has certainly been my own personal experience.

The "Abuser" will ALWAYS "blame the victim"...citing "unforgiveness" as the mortal sin of which the victim is guilty.....LOL! because...it USUALLY works!

I just want to make SURE here that EVERYONE understands that forgiveness does NOT necessarily mean "restoration"....even though the abuser will insist otherwise. This is NOT to be misconstrued as a "grudge" even though in some instances it very well may be just that. It is equally likely however that the "offended" person HAS forgiven the transgression, but finds that the long and tedious process of rebuilding a trust which has been broken is just something that they no longer have the desire or motivation to devote their time and energy to...particularly when the emotions which had motivated the desire for a relationship in the first place have died or become numb.

So, let's try to be careful NOT to paint all "silences" with the same broad brush. Sometimes: "Silence is Golden".

I believe however that in the case the OP speaks of....it was a situation of manipulation....she'd gotten a better offer but was still hoping to keep the OP on the back burner for future "use"! :-)
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 29
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How long is too long to go ignored?
Posted: 10/24/2010 5:35:50 PM
Never deal with this behaviour. Never would. The person who tried it on me, would find themselves quiet with their own company.
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