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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > "I want to get to know you first"      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Ironman5560
Joined: 3/23/2010
Msg: 1
"I want to get to know you first"Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Long story short, i met this girl that seems like (so far) my ideal woman. We're both 20. I'm going pre-law, she's going pre-med. We both have a lot on the ball, and are more mature for our age. Most of our friends are about 25.

I've actually taken her on dates, and directly asked if she'd like to continue dating, and she's said yes. I'm very good at reading body language, and i was definitely able to tell she's genuinely interested in me. I can keep her smiling, we talk for hours on end and can easily maintain a conversation. She ALWAYS looks me in the eye while talking. She often has her foot crossed over her leg under the table so if i move whatsoever i'm making contact.

After three weeks, I asked her if she'd like to be my girlfriend. She told me

"I like you a lot, but i want to keep going out and getting to know you first. Is that ok?"

Of course i said yes, but i'm just wondering how long. This response seems to be different than the "i'll think about it" quip, in which i know that's just delaying a NO. It's now been a month since i've asked her and we're still going out, going on dates, and all the while i'm wondering A) how long do i have to wait before bringing up the subject again, and B) Have any girls out there given a guy the same response and actually ended up dating him?

Again, this girl has a lot on the ball. Pre-med, 2 jobs, and volunteering take up almost all her time. She's told my buddy that introduced me to her that she wanted me to ask her out. So i did (before our first date). She doesnt really talk about her feelings at all though, and i'm worried i'm just slipping into the friend zone.
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 2
I want to get to know you first
Posted: 10/30/2010 10:25:55 AM
It's now been a month since i've asked her and we're still going out, going on dates, and all the while i'm wondering


It seems that may be the point.. That she is keeping you wondering..

Dating is always a challenge, and she has taken some initiative to meet and date you, now it seems she wants to keep seeming in control..

IF you want some advice from much experience: Don't always be available when she wants to see you..
She may get much more interested...

Have other interests/activities that just YOU want to do, and also be free to meet and date others...

 JP1111
Joined: 4/13/2008
Msg: 3
I want to get to know you first
Posted: 10/30/2010 10:49:22 AM
Believe me, you are not slipping in the friend zone as she genuinely seems pleased with you.

Before some people can make their relationship “offical” and turn it to dating, much time is needed for them. So waiting for that to happen, enjoy the time you spend with her and enjoy her for who she is!
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 4
I want to get to know you first
Posted: 10/30/2010 10:50:40 AM
Her answer was wise under the circumstances.
I know you want to wrap this up after only 3 dates an all but consider...
You're both young.
You're both in school.
you're both very busy.
Who knows what life and circumstance may throw your way?

I think you're right, she does like you.
But she wants to be more sure about you.
and how you treat her over time.
So date her and don't worry about the bf/gf thing.
If you bond, she'll bring it up when she's ready.

good luck.
 Secondhand_Lion
Joined: 11/10/2008
Msg: 5
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History
I want to get to know you first
Posted: 10/30/2010 11:03:00 AM
What is it about people (young or old) that readily accepts that actions speak louder than words....but always seems to need or pressure someone for a verbal commitment? To me, it's like looking at houses and having the realtor try to lock me inside the first house I show interest in. Stupid move by the realtor, because the comfort level I was trying to feel with the house was just destroyed by the locking of the door. Just allow things to come to their natural conclusion without the need of others to relieve you of insecurity issues. What will be, will be.....unless you are doing something to prevent it.
 Super_Eve
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 6
I want to get to know you first
Posted: 10/30/2010 11:33:12 AM
TALL-IQ2 wrote:


Don't always be available when she wants to see you..
She may get much more interested...


Riiiiiiiiight. Because gameplaying always works.

I, too, am wondering if you two have kissed or if there has been any instance where you were heading in that direction...it would seem strange to me if someone asked me to be their girlfriend if we hadn't...if I was twenty. At my age I would find it just bizarre if they asked me at all.

OP, I think this chick is into you and you should continue to do what you are doing, since it is obviously working...no need to rush and label things just to feel secure, because it seems to me it would only provide a false sense of security and not the genuine connection that you might crave...which might sabotage the relationship in its embryonic stage through unnecessary pressure.

So just relax...and good luck!
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 7
I want to get to know you first
Posted: 10/30/2010 11:48:20 AM
OP- you sound like you are more impressed with her potential resume than who she is.

perhaps she smells this on ya.


have you kissed her?

had sex with her?


where are you two in those two things....????
 Delete_Me_Please
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 8
I want to get to know you first
Posted: 10/30/2010 12:35:37 PM
I'm another one who wonders about your romantic involvement. Don't let the horse get before the cart. The relationship talk should come after both parties have already exhibited relationship behavior toward each other. It shouldn't be some forced request to change the overall dynamics of the relationship.

You say you've been on some dates but that's she incredibly busy so I wonder just how much time you've spent together. There's a world of difference in the level of a relationship between the couple that's been on six dates in three weeks and the couple that's spent every night together for three weeks.

I think you should really take a look at how much time she gives to you because even the busiest, most ambitious girl will push things aside to make sufficient room for a guy she's crazy about. I have to think that if she's not making this time for you after two months together, then she's probably not all that crazy about you.
 DrummingNut
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 9
I want to get to know you first
Posted: 10/30/2010 1:13:23 PM
Except in Junior High, I've never had a guy ask would you "like to be my girlfriend".

Any relationship I've had.. just grew to be the relationship it was.

You say you are "mature".. so maybe you should leave the "would you like to be my girfriend" thing alone from here on out?

Do as she suggested.. just keep going out together... keep getting to know each other.
If it's going to grow into more, it will! If it's not, you'll know.


Have any girls out there given a guy the same response and actually ended up dating him?
Um, yes... YOUR gal did.
I mean, you did say she was still dating you!


and i'm worried i'm just slipping into the friend zone.
You mean you haven't done ANYthing romantic with her yet? Seems time you step up to the plate and be (not talk.. but BE) a bit romantic!!
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 10
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History
I want to get to know you first
Posted: 10/30/2010 1:50:13 PM
are you sure law is the best field for you? you don't sound assertive enough for it.

you declaim your skill at body language reading, but what messages have you tried to SEND through this medium? i'm guessing none. try to kiss her, for god's sake, and her reaction will tell you everything you need to know. if she turns away, consider whether the romantic window closed while you sat there with your hands in your lap, parsing every expression and mulling every conversation, and decide whether you want to repeat that strategy on the next girl.
 AintNoDeal
Joined: 2/3/2010
Msg: 11
I want to get to know you first
Posted: 10/31/2010 1:11:52 AM
I don't understand the question -- ???

Can't you date someone who isn't your "girlfriend"?
Are you going to print up ID cards, name tags and badges?
Do you need a title for her in order for her to meet your friends and family?
-- Can't you say: "This is Soand Soh, we've been dating."

Do you have some kind of hidden ring or hot branding iron you want to use to mark her when she agrees?

What's the big TA-DO about her signing in blood on the contract that says "girlfriend" ??? It's only been a few weeks, you don't even know this girl!
 bikeman1467
Joined: 9/22/2009
Msg: 12
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I want to get to know you first
Posted: 10/31/2010 5:15:37 AM
Sounds like the OP knows this seemingly busy young woman well enough to be politely direct with her. No sense dancing around the issue. My advice is to just tell her that you want to get to know her better too, you want to advance the romance, but you aren't going to wait around her forever if she doesn't feel the same way--that you would pursue other possibilities if she doesn't want to advance the romance. If she's as together as the OP claims she is, she'll appreciate the frank honesty. If not, well you know you ain't going anywhere with her, and you can advance to the next relationship opportunity with someone else.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 13
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I want to get to know you first
Posted: 10/31/2010 5:37:09 AM
"We both have a lot on the ball, and are more mature for our age. Most of our friends are about 25."
OP, this statement tells me that you are in a hurry to be older than you are, to be more RESPECTED as an adult than you THINK you are. You are in a hurry to be half of a married couple, and she is not. I would urge you to work THIS psychological kink out of yourself first, before trying to nail down this or any other girl to fill the "blank slot" in your future imagined wedding photos.
As for worrying about "slipping into the friend zone," that's NEVER been something that ANYONE has ever been able to control. If you look, you'll see tons of forum discussions where the friend zone is talked about, where person after person suggests, prays, complains, asks for manipulative techniques, strategies, and so forth, all to try to solve the mystery of how the person being put INTO the "friend zone," can either prevent it, or break out of it later. I'll save you the trouble of looking p and reading all those posts: THERE IS NO WAY. It's no different from someone trying to persuade you to be attracted to a different body-type, skin tone, hair color, behavioral characteristics, age (etc) than you naturally are. You like what you like.
She is twenty. You are TRYING to be TWENTY FIVE, and asking her to join you in this. I suggest you try being twenty yourself, while you can. From personal experience, I can tell you that trying to skip ahead will only make you miss out on the here and now.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 14
I want to get to know you first
Posted: 10/31/2010 10:44:02 AM

It's now been a month since i've asked her and we're still going out, going on dates, and all the while i'm wondering A) how long do i have to wait before bringing up the subject again,

Never bring up the subject again. You should never need to ask that question. She's not your girlfriend and apparently, does not wish to be. Date other women and don't make her a priority. Then, you can stop wondering about anything.

Again, this girl has a lot on the ball. Pre-med, 2 jobs, and volunteering take up almost all her time. She's told my buddy that introduced me to her hat she wanted me to ask her out. So i did (before our first date). She doesnt really talk about her feelings at all though, and i'm worried i'm just slipping into the friend zone.

A lot of women have a lot on the ball. If you keep pestering her, at best, you'll end up in the friend zone. Date some other women.
 Secondhand_Lion
Joined: 11/10/2008
Msg: 15
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History
I want to get to know you first
Posted: 10/31/2010 11:34:02 AM
When a woman tells me she wants to get to know me first, I know one thing for sure....I better get in her pants quick, or it ain't going to happen.
 AintNoDeal
Joined: 2/3/2010
Msg: 16
I want to get to know you first
Posted: 10/31/2010 12:01:22 PM
should be plain and simple

Like the statement "I want to get to know you first."

If OP sets the standard for questioning simple statements, I see nothing wrong with questioning his simple questions.

And it seems you see nothing wrong about making rude statements about being rude.
 DemonLeather
Joined: 8/10/2007
Msg: 17
I want to get to know you first
Posted: 10/31/2010 12:22:43 PM
Well,.. I'm not playin' THAT game anymore..You read in all kinds of women's profiles .. "I'm so tired of Games" "Head Game players need not apply" Not into the games & Drama" & yadda, yadda, yadda...PuLeeeeeEEEEEeeeeeaaaaaAAaaZE! Frikkin QUIT!.. most of them are running that, "I wanna get to know ya game", or the "No sex till the 4th,5th, etc etc Game", or the "I don't kiss on the first date game",.. but the key-word here is GAME,. and that, it is..If you so shallow you have to run on the "tradition" game,. You Keep it I don't need it, or you bad enough to be your monkey-through-the-hoops dweeb that has to prove himself worthy, to "KNOW" you Do You, sleep with you .. whatever,. That crap's a joke, a game, and they have to play it,." Look these young guys can play that crap & kiss-up all they want,, Me,. Hell I don't know If I'm going to be here tomorrow or wake up dead. Or get up in the morning & my dikk dies & never works again... YEAH .. Then You'll say "Okies,. I know you good enough now.. "Dew me please" when all along I could have been sexin' up someone that actually liked me enough right off the bat to say here, I'm yours, no if's ands, buts, tests, waiting periods, or expiration date" Get real girls.. please. If yer stuff's that golden, I can't frikkin afford it anyway.. You want to impress me,.. hell Do Me , and show ME what YOU got. Knock MY socks off fer a change! (that's a frikkin rare one!) Show me your an origonal thinker and don't follow the feminine "master mold" because that mold is frikkin moldy (pun intended) and should had died out with the Victorian era...
 Stormwolf
Joined: 2/23/2009
Msg: 18
view profile
History
I want to get to know you first
Posted: 10/31/2010 1:28:24 PM
OP,
You suffer from " Nice Guy" Syndrome. You are in the "Friend Zone."
She has to get her "Bad Boy" dosage before she will consider a nice guy like you!
Good Luck!
 DemonLeather
Joined: 8/10/2007
Msg: 19
I want to get to know you first
Posted: 10/31/2010 1:59:26 PM
>SIGH< leave it it to YOU to muss (or is that miss,. same dayum thing)the whole point... BUT.. on the other hand Fly me down the road @ 90mph on that moped, and still get 100 miles to the gallon would be impressive...
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 20
I want to get to know you first
Posted: 10/31/2010 8:20:47 PM
OP- here's the thing with the "I wanna get to know ya" speech...

Those words are more for HER than they are for YOU.

Lesser men succumb to those words and the girl becomes disinterested.


It means- she's wasted a lot of her time with guys she didn't "get to know" and she's just "HOPING" this time, with you, might be different.


No need to waste your time deciphering her words. Because she doesn't even "really" know what they mean.

Go forth, business as usual- however, if she pushes that issue then call her bluff.

because many times, that's what she's looking for...at least in my experience.
 Archangel_07
Joined: 6/21/2010
Msg: 21
I want to get to know you first
Posted: 10/31/2010 9:40:47 PM
hey op if you didn't kiss her yet. I suggest that you kiss the gal :-)
 Ironman5560
Joined: 3/23/2010
Msg: 22
I want to get to know you first
Posted: 10/31/2010 10:29:26 PM
Thank You cinsav. You've probably been the most insightful. Also, to the woman who posted shortly after me who said she admired what we're doing, thank you.

Up until this weekend you were correct in saying that she returns the favor infrequently of going out of her way to make me smile. Yes, you are correct in the fact that she was controlling the shots. That's why I took this weekend and told her what i want instead of asking for permission. I'm now more than happy with the pace we're at. It is true that relationships don't need an official title, and that they just grow into what they are. However, with all the cheating that goes on in today's society, it's better to establish your intentions of being exclusive to each other.

to the women who criticized my analytical abilities at the bottom of page 1: I'm fully aware of my needs and desires in a relationship. I LIKE going out of my way to make people smile. I get satisfaction in making people happy. It's not as if i haven't realized this yet.

To the rest of you, thanks, but in all honesty, i've realized that handling this on my own is by far the best approach. Every person is different, and should be handled differently. Bottom line, i believe that being genuine is more important than playing any of the games or stupid rules.

Yes i'm romantic. Yes we've kissed. No we haven't had sex yet. If you look at sex as the ultimate goal you're setting yourself up for defeat. And no, she is not a virgin! haha

Thanks,
-David
 Ironman5560
Joined: 3/23/2010
Msg: 23
I want to get to know you first
Posted: 10/31/2010 10:34:17 PM
and archangel.....done and done bro :)
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 24
view profile
History
I want to get to know you first
Posted: 11/1/2010 4:12:53 AM

She has all the power - and that's not a good thing.

First, she told your buddy that she WANTED YOU to call and ask her out - so you did it.
Secondly, you go out of your way to make her smile.
Third, you asked her if you could be exclusive.

Seems like she's calling all the shots and you are following along with everything she wants and says. Bad idea.

Making her smile is a good thing - but I'd bet money right here and now that you do most of the making her smile while she returns the favor very infrequently, no?

From what I've read it sounds like the age ole "I'm hot and I know it, he'll do what *I* want because there are other guys who'll take his place...." syndrome. I'd wager she is used to having her ass kissed and getting her way - because "she's pretty..."

Man up and stand up for yourself. Stop going out of your way to make her smile - and yes you DO it - so don't even tell us you don't. Sit her and down and tell her that YOU are ready to be exclusive, that YOU would be more comfortable being in a relationship with her. If she immediately rejects you, then it is OBVIOUS that in her mind it's all about HER and your feelings and wants do fit into the equation. Then my friend you'll have your answer.

There are no rules to dating - there can be NO rules because we're all different. So seriously, sit her down and tell her what you WANT - don't ask her permission - TELL her. If she's not a narcissistic "the world revolves around my princess ass" kind of woman - she'll listen and respect you for standing up and laying it out there. IF she doesn't then you know... she's a narcissistic "the world revolves around my princess ass" kind of woman and you're better off without her.


Bottom line, i believe that being genuine is more important than playing any of the games or stupid rules.

^^^Then if you do, adopting the attitude represented in Cinsav's post isn't natural for you.

Regardless of what you hear on this board your natural ways of dealing with her will be what endures,nothing else is sustainable over time; whatever those natural inclinations are.

Don't take what sounds like something promising and reduce it to what I see is a typical misstep with some men here looking for help and advice and that is listen to blanket statements made about many women that she appears like a woman like this or that and needs a comeuppance in order that they don't have all the cards. OP, ifit feels like it's working...then let it work. In truth, it's only her request of needing more time to get to know you, that's incongruent; otherwise I'd say things look promising, especially if you don't ask the question again.
 Archangel_07
Joined: 6/21/2010
Msg: 25
I want to get to know you first
Posted: 11/1/2010 1:28:53 PM
Op,
I'm glad you did, you out of friend zone for sure. Take the time to get to know her and take things slow.
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