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 3prong
Joined: 1/3/2010
Msg: 1
Is this the beginning to the end?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Been dating this guy for a few months - the last three weeks he's stayed over every night. He was supposed to come by at around 8 last night but instead he texted he thinks he's just gonna crash at home tonight and am I okay with that. I responded that I really love him spending the night but I think I could survive. There were a couple more texts with some good nights and such.

This morning I must admit I am all sad cause I sure missed our morning snuggling and now I'm feeling all paranoid wondering if I should start pulling back from this relationship preparing for the end. I feel really silly about being all worried but prior to last night it was just never a question as to whether he'd be over or not - at the very least coming over to hang out for a while before going home.
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 2
Is this the beginning to the end?
Posted: 11/1/2010 10:01:41 AM
I'm feeling all paranoid wondering if I should start pulling back from this relationship preparing for the end. I feel really silly


Give him some breathing room.. Sounds like you made a connection and both are infatuated,
just allow him to have some personal time so he doesn't feel smothered..
 wolftxusa
Joined: 10/3/2010
Msg: 3
Is this the beginning to the end?
Posted: 11/1/2010 10:01:55 AM
Nope, nothing to worry about. He just wanted to leave the toilet seat up for a change.
 TDH49
Joined: 8/13/2010
Msg: 4
Is this the beginning to the end?
Posted: 11/1/2010 10:08:13 AM
Is this the beginning to the end


Yes it's over Op. Call it a day, sorry that it had to end this way, no reason to pretent, you knew it had to end someday, this way.

Either that or you need to stop being so clingy. The guy stayed at his place for the night, it's not the end of the world as you know it. Lighten up .
 Sabrosura089
Joined: 11/29/2009
Msg: 5
Is this the beginning to the end?
Posted: 11/1/2010 10:08:46 AM

the last three weeks he's stayed over every night. He was supposed to come by at around 8 last night but instead he texted he thinks he's just gonna crash at home tonight and am I okay with that. I responded that I really love him spending the night but I think I could survive. There were a couple more texts with some good nights and such.

This morning I must admit I am all sad cause I sure missed our morning snuggling and now I'm feeling all paranoid wondering if I should start pulling back from this relationship preparing for the end. I feel really silly about being all worried but prior to last night it was just never a question as to whether he'd be over or not - at the very least coming over to hang out for a while before going home.


^^^Is there more as to why you believe it's "the beginning to the end?"?

Just because one's S.O. wants to stay home and wake up in their own bed doesn't mean they're ready to kick you to the curb.
 Nancyxoxxx
Joined: 9/29/2010
Msg: 6
Is this the beginning to the end?
Posted: 11/1/2010 10:10:29 AM
... You've been dating a few months, 3 wks he's been at your home ever night. your relationship should survive a lot more changes then that. You make it sound as tho it's already set in stone, why do people drive themself crazy????? Yes it's the END..... it's how you already see it, so I'm sure your insecurites will make it happen.
.... best of luck... xoxxx
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 7
view profile
History
Is this the beginning to the end?
Posted: 11/1/2010 10:18:52 AM
Even the most interesting people have to do their laundry and open their mail on occasion. Taking an overnight break once in a while should be ok.
 DemonLeather
Joined: 8/10/2007
Msg: 8
Is this the beginning to the end?
Posted: 11/1/2010 10:24:11 AM
Geeze even God rested on the 7th day,. and you got 2 2/3rds months more than he did! It MIGHT mean his a$$ is just tired and dragging,.. I know I have MY daze,.or is that days If he's been pluggin' away religously,.. I really don't think you have anything to worry about,. maybe it got a blister, or something...
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 9
Is this the beginning to the end?
Posted: 11/1/2010 10:24:35 AM
Have you ever heard of a "self fulfilling prophesy"?

I think this is what you got here. By you being all paranoid and clingy about him going home and doing his laundry or checking his mail you may be writing the last chapters of this relationship.

So relax, give him some space.
 3prong
Joined: 1/3/2010
Msg: 10
Is this the beginning to the end?
Posted: 11/1/2010 10:35:42 AM
Ok, looks like I am being silly.

I have no problem giving him space it's just it was a bit of a surprise since he's been quite a bit more into me than I am to him. This whole weekend hasn't actually been quite the same that it used to be however we went out till the wee hours on Friday night and I just chalked it up to a really bad hangover.

I did as the one poster suggested and sent him a "Missed you this morning - have a great day". I guess from here I'll just assume all is well unless I start seeing some other signs.

Thanks guys!
 cap_n_mORGAN
Joined: 7/3/2009
Msg: 11
Is this the beginning to the end?
Posted: 11/1/2010 10:36:31 AM

Is this the beginning to the end?


It is if he reads this thread!

Have you ever just needed some time for yourself?
You think he doesn't?

From your post it seems you are annoyed more than you don't know his exact thoughts......Just give the poor guy some time.
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 12
Is this the beginning to the end?
Posted: 11/1/2010 10:52:00 AM
It makes a good deal of sense to me that he'd pull back some after rushing into three weeks of overnights without a break. I realize everyone's different on this, but it seems very early in the involvement for that, to me. Maybe he feels the same.

Which is, IMO, nothing to worry about, if so.

There's no reason you couldn't ask him what he'd like as sort of a regular routine, or tell him what you'd like in that respect and ask what he thinks. That doesn't have to be a big deal of a conversation (I don't think it should be, either), and just establishing expectations would probably help you - and him! - to feel like things are more solid.
 ChillinChill
Joined: 10/2/2010
Msg: 13
Is this the beginning to the end?
Posted: 11/1/2010 11:04:15 AM
You are seperated, with CHILDREN. I will assume they are living in the home.
I don't know how long you have been seperated. You are still MARRIED though.

How do the children feel about a man being in your bed every night after only dating him for a few months. How well can you even know this man? A few months and you are inviting him into your childrens lives and your bed every night. Where are the kids? I am sure they are witness to his presence and obvious to the fact that you are bedding him so soon.

You are 38, How old are the kids?

Three months is usually a mark where infatuation fades and the reality of a relationship sets in. If your child/children are being introduced to this man in your life so soon after the father's departure then HOW DO THEY FEEL?

You are paranoid? It seems to me like you are more so insecure and somewhat self absorbed. Three months and three weeks with a man in your bed does not make a relationship.

I think there is a LOT MORE to this story that is giving you the feelings of IMPENDING DOOM.

I could be wrong, but I know from personal experience that seperation causes a lot of anxiety for children. Divorce hurts the children not just the parents making the choice.
I didn't introduce my children to anyone I was dating until long after the divorce was final and I was certain that they were well adjusted to the fact that their father was no longer in the home. Inviting a man into your bedroom before the papers are even signed can cause a child to have a lot of conflicted emotions and loss of a sence of loyalty to their father.

Perhaps your new lover is picking up on some dischord that you are too selfish to picture. Maybe he needs some space to realize the situation he is in may not be the best for the family as a whole.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 14
view profile
History
Is this the beginning to the end?
Posted: 11/1/2010 1:11:20 PM
Separated with kids? Didn't read that part.

For gods sake lady, what were you thinking? You've known him 3 months and you let him crash at your place for 3 weeks and you've got kids in the house? I wonder how they felt about their new quasi-roommate? He may be the greatest guy in the world but you should finish one chapter of your life before you start worrying about the outcome of the second one. Going out to the wee hours and coming home trashed. Sounds like quite the mature romance.
Your priorities are totally fu*ked up.
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 15
Is this the beginning to the end?
Posted: 11/1/2010 1:16:54 PM
There being no mention of them in the opening post, I thought the child or children either had been born when the OP was rather young and were on their own already, or live with their father.

3Prong, would you please clarify on this? If my impression was mistaken, this is an important element in your situation.
 Archangel_07
Joined: 6/21/2010
Msg: 16
Is this the beginning to the end?
Posted: 11/1/2010 1:17:48 PM
Op, you shouldn't have to worry about 1 night without him not coming over to see you. When to worry is when he's not making an effort to see you and just sending you texts or just talking to you and not coming over to see you as much.
 3prong
Joined: 1/3/2010
Msg: 17
Is this the beginning to the end?
Posted: 11/1/2010 2:17:57 PM
For clarification - the kids are all grown up (21 and 20). Used separated since me and the dad were never married and that's been for 5 + years.
 cap_n_mORGAN
Joined: 7/3/2009
Msg: 18
Is this the beginning to the end?
Posted: 11/1/2010 2:22:08 PM

For clarification - the kids are all grown up (21 and 20). Used separated since me and the dad were never married and that's been for 5 + years.


Hummmmmm.....Wouldn't that be single then? As separated means awaiting a divorce.

Also your profile says you are NOT looking for a relationship or any kind of commitment......So why are you worried about him skipping a night?

Argh....Me thinks we've been hornswollgged!!!!!!
 3prong
Joined: 1/3/2010
Msg: 19
Is this the beginning to the end?
Posted: 11/1/2010 2:28:39 PM
In my mind I would probably agree single was more appropriate. Since the government made me change my marital status to separated and as well, there is a rather significant ex in my past that I pro-created with, I used separated - perhaps not accurately.
 REDDRAGON.
Joined: 10/9/2008
Msg: 20
Is this the beginning to the end?
Posted: 11/1/2010 2:29:49 PM

This morning I must admit I am all sad cause I sure missed our morning snuggling and now I'm feeling all paranoid wondering if I should start pulling back from this relationship preparing for the end. I feel really silly about being all worried but prior to last night it was just never a question as to whether he'd be over or not - at the very least coming over to hang out for a while before going home.



OP you are not alone there was a time I thought the world revolved around me too.
 likemyrock
Joined: 10/21/2010
Msg: 21
Is this the beginning to the end?
Posted: 11/1/2010 2:49:11 PM

Is this the beginning to the end?

Depends on what kind of people you are.

I mean

he texted he thinks he's just gonna crash at home tonight and am I okay with that.

He asks if you are okay with that?
He needs your permission to sleep at his own house?
So basically you are the mommy in the relationship and he has to make sure it's okay with you to have a sleep over at his own house, rather than make an adult decision and be accountable for it?

But as I said, it depends on the type of people you are. Maybe you like being the mommy. Maybe he likes being submissive and insecure. Maybe that works in your relationship.

It also depends on the whole

dating this guy for a few months - the last three weeks he's stayed over every night...he's been quite a bit more into me than I am to him.

That makes me wonder if he is really sub and insecure. So he has to give you constant contact and validation, stroke your solipsistic ego, basically make it all about you...put on the facade just to get what he wants from you, because he doesn't feel like he's a good enough person otherwise.
The problem with that is it gets tiring. No one has the strength to maintain a facade forever, no one gets the same high forever. Eventually it breaks down.

But there really isn't all that much information in the OP to really determine this.
I've just seen this happen time and time and time and time again, most especially with people that meet online...but nothing says you met online.

Plus you got to look at

am I okay with that...I have no problem giving him space

See? Solipsism.
You simply accept that he has to make sure his decisions are okay with you.
And you feel you are giving him space rather than accepting his decisions about himself.

So

Is this the beginning to the end?

Maybe. IME in these types of relationships this is about the start of it.
When one person begins regretting all that they had to socially pay and who they had to falsely become in order to get what they wanted. Then they slowly start asserting themselves, changing behavior to let out who they "really" are in order to try and get the relationship either equal or focused on them for a change.

It really just depends on how much passive weakness of his personality is real. If he is looking to be sub to you, have you kind of run things (assuming the OP is worded naturally) then it might mean nothing.

Of course it could all be the whole "communication in the relationship sucks" problem.
He seemed unsure whether it was all right with you whether he stayed home or not.
And it looked like you didn't offer or ask to go over to his house.
And you became paranoid about it, meaning you had no idea what was going on, just interpreted via your fear.

So basically, he doesn't know what's okay with you, and you don't know what he is doing.
Which basically means the whole last few months and spending 3 weeks in constant contact...well, you didn't really learn anything about each other that was important.
 xlr8ingmargo
Joined: 10/23/2010
Msg: 22
Is this the beginning to the end?
Posted: 11/1/2010 2:53:48 PM
Welcome to the DOM side. Find a guy that likes it and your good to go OP.
If not let the man be a man and not your slave.
 3prong
Joined: 1/3/2010
Msg: 23
Is this the beginning to the end?
Posted: 11/1/2010 3:12:16 PM
Hmmm. You guys have given me a lot to think about here.

After that main ex, I've had a couple short relationships that I've gotten out of quite quickly because I felt I wasn't able to really give myself over to a relationship - thus my total desire to remain single - I was happy (comfortable) there. This new guy took me by surprise and I'm kind of in uncharted territory. He really is very wonderful! I know things have been moving fast but everything has just felt so right with him.

I feel I am pretty level headed and confident on most fronts but reflecting on a number of the comments made here I am starting to think that on the relationship front I have some pretty big fears to work through and some significant soul searching to do.

I do really appreciate all the candid comments. Thank you.
 Cuppey
Joined: 10/23/2010
Msg: 24
Is this the beginning to the end?
Posted: 11/1/2010 6:03:10 PM

Separated with kids? Didn't read that part. For gods sake lady, what were you thinking? You've known him 3 months and you let him crash at your place for 3 weeks and you've got kids in the house? I wonder how they felt about their new quasi-roommate? He may be the greatest guy in the world but you should finish one chapter of your life before you start worrying about the outcome of the second one. Going out to the wee hours and coming home trashed. Sounds like quite the mature romance.
Your priorities are totally fu*ked up.


Too funny...but yeah....I second what she said!!!
 UglyFroggieCritter
Joined: 8/21/2010
Msg: 25
Is this the beginning to the end?
Posted: 11/1/2010 6:13:00 PM
See messages 19 and 21 where the OP clarifies children/status.

OP

Just relax. Breathe in, breathe out. Don't freak out over the small stuff, and him wanting to spend a night at his place after three weeks at yours is, indeed, small stuff.

Enjoy the relationship as it unfolds.
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