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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Do I let the dog go back to sleep? Feeling a bit insecure      Home login  
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 jlizzy
Joined: 8/14/2007
Msg: 1
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Do I let the dog go back to sleep? Feeling a bit insecurePage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
My bf and I are together nearly 1.5 years now. I love him dearly, he means the world to me and our relationship is really good. We're best buddies, we laugh a lot and takes good care of me.

But today i feel very unsettled. A year ago when we were 4 months into the relationship, out of the blue he didn't text me one night like he normally would, when he went out to a quiz. I know his ex was there. I sent him quite a few texts and it took him a near 24 hours to respond. Ie it wasn't til the next day after lunch that there was finally the joke about him being abducted by aliens and he mentioned being at some shops that are a fair walk from here (ie shops that he would never normally go to). A few days later he had some old bed sheets that he was giving to his ex over lunch (himself and another male friend were being treated by her to a lunch). I tried to jokingly quiz him about this and he got a bit odd on me saying "oh can't I give something to my ex? And something like "can't have secrets anymore"? Around the same time we met in a pub one evening and I was walking out the main door and he kind of "pushed me back in" (I can't remember if he even touched me, the point is he made me go back inside with him) and then a moment later he was happy to go...it was as if he was avoiding someone...I confronted him about an hour later and he said he hadn't cheated and the aoviding thing was that his colleages were walking by and he didnt want to have to stop and chat with them....

I left it at this as I'm mad about him and was afraid to push him away...since then we've had some rough patches as he met up with a friend I know he fancied before hooked up and did so behind my back knowing I was sensitive about the whole thing as I had discussed it with him (what I didnt tell him is I was extra sensitive cause of all of the aforementioned)

This morning he asked me if I was interested to go to the quiz and when in reponse to his "I go every year", I joked "yeah I know! Last year you left me wondering for 24 hours what had happened" he went quiet....Now suddenly the sleeping dog that I let lie has awoken...:( What doesn't help is that whilst he shows me in every way that he cares greatly for me, he still hasn;t told me he loves me. He knows it would mean a lot to me if he did.

Do I bring it up with him today or let the dog sleep again?
 barefootkitten
Joined: 12/17/2009
Msg: 2
Do I let the dog go back to sleep? Feeling a bit insecure
Posted: 12/2/2010 7:40:54 AM
So you know about one time he cheated on you and you forgave him, and are now hung up on wondering if he had done it before? There is a reason people say, "once a cheater, always a cheater".


A year ago when we were 4 months into the relationship, out of the blue he didn't text me one night like he normally would, when he went out to a quiz. I know his ex was there. I sent him quite a few texts and it took him a near 24 hours to respond.


I have no idea what you mean by a "quiz" here, but aside from that, sending multiple texts without reply through the night shows YOUR insecurity (whether it be with cause or not), and personally, I'd get annoyed with someone who did that and probably not answer BECAUSE they were doing it. People are entitled to time for themselves in relationships and often time out with friends and shouldn't have to "check up" with their SO. I'm not saying he didn't cheat, but I'm not saying that his not answering your texts is proof of it either. Ever considered the possibility he went out, maybe forgot his phone at home or didn't hear it, went home and straight to bed and slept till noon?

Now personally I'd be more concerned about him not telling you how he feels after a year and a half together. If after that amount of time together he doesn't love you, HE NEVER WILL. Yes, some people are more vocal about it, but if you are one of those people who needs to hear from their SO that they care, and he doesn't vocalize it, then you're doomed anyway to feeling constantly rebuffed and uncared for.

I really don't see your relationship working out for the following reasons:
~you need to hear "I love yous" and he either doesn't vocalize it or doesn't feel it or both
~you are insecure and suspicious without reason
~you do not respect or understand that just because someone is in a relationship doesn't mean they have to keep in contact 24/7
~he is dismissive of your feelings
~you hold a grudge for something that happened a year ago. Instead of having it out then, you've allowed this to fester for a year before bringing it up.
 jlizzy
Joined: 8/14/2007
Msg: 3
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Do I let the dog go back to sleep? Feeling a bit insecure
Posted: 12/2/2010 7:59:46 AM
I DID bring it up at the time but didn't want to push it ie didn't want to push him away. I wasn't constantly texting him that night but had sent him a few messages about something in particular and whereas every other day in our relationship we have regular contact that one night he never contact me. It took a near 24 hours. It's the suddeny change in behaiviour that was odd. At the beginning you say I knew he cheated and forgave him (I didn't know for certain as look at what I describe above but his behaviour was odd) but later you describe this as being insecure and suspcious without reason? I didn't let it fester a year before bringing it up...I have communicated with my boyfriend about these matters though this particular case I eventually let lie as I had no proof, he was getting a bit narky with me and I didnt want to drive him away over it...
 jlizzy
Joined: 8/14/2007
Msg: 4
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Do I let the dog go back to sleep? Feeling a bit insecure
Posted: 12/2/2010 8:05:26 AM
man some harsh response coming this way. Anyway fair enough...
I've been in a few relationships and this one is definately good. We communicate, we laugh, we look after each other.,...not everything can be perfect but it's near to perfect as I've ever been....Every relationship has it's troubles...

For the records our communication is good enough that all in all when something crops up I say it...sometimes I use a bit of humour to soften the blow...no problem with that... I don't hide behind jokes though.

I also haven't been letting things lie for a year, however we ended up having quite a blow up 9 months into the relationship when I found out he met this other girl behind my back...ever since there's been conversations from time to time relating to that and the relationship in general... and yet it seems he has relaxed since I let go of needing to hear the "i love you from him". We seem to be closer since...

I'm a bit confused and looking for advice...
Wondering what to do.....
 ~breathlesshush~
Joined: 4/25/2006
Msg: 5
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Do I let the dog go back to sleep? Feeling a bit insecure
Posted: 12/2/2010 11:13:36 AM
Opie...either talk to him about it now, or let it go forever . Does something that may or may not have happened a year ago really matter now?

When I split with my kid's Dad I went to stay with a very good girlfriend of mine. Now, I dated one of her brothers a million years ago or so. He lives in the same general area as her (farm country/very rural) with his girlfriend and her children. At this point in time they'd been together for over ten years.

I saw him four times while I was there; three times she was present, and the fourth her sons were. In other words, we never saw each other alone, nor did we seek any opportunity to do so.

A year later, as their relationship went steadily downhill, she admitted to him that she suspected he and I had slept together while I was there (I was only around for a month). She told him this after they had made the decision to split and had already found her and the kids a new home.

If she had brought up her suspicions right away they could have dealt with them and moved on in their relationship. Instead, she allowed it to fester and destroy what they had.

Unfortunately you have already waited too long, and it may very well be too late. Let it go Opie, he's with you not her, that has to mean something doesn't it?


 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 6
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Do I let the dog go back to sleep? Feeling a bit insecure
Posted: 12/2/2010 11:46:57 AM
Ugh! This is one of my pet peeves!!

If you have an issue w/ your partner.....you make a decision whether to
accept it and move on.......or leave.
You DO NOT make a decision to use that issue as a "trump card" for future
issues or to bring up to make a point in future discussions.

You chose to ignore what happened that night a year ago.
If you truly cannot "get over it"......then move on.
Other than that......keep your mouth shut and accept the invitation.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 7
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Do I let the dog go back to sleep? Feeling a bit insecure
Posted: 12/2/2010 12:16:03 PM
That is your opinion Annie.....
I know many people that don't say the words because the words don't mean chit!
I'll judge my man by how he treats me.....not 3 little words.
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 8
Do I let the dog go back to sleep? Feeling a bit insecure
Posted: 12/2/2010 3:59:50 PM
I think you should either confront him about this now, or try to let it roll off your back---like a mind over matter thing, if you will. It's as if you're saying "If I don't mind, then it doesn't matter."

Frankly, it looks to me like you're not going to be able to do this. You're always going to hold a grudge over his head from now on, and every argument you have with him is going to escalate into a litany of every past wrong he's ever committed against you.
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 9
Do I let the dog go back to sleep? Feeling a bit insecure
Posted: 12/2/2010 4:18:18 PM
^^^
Yup.

If it still bothers you and you can't let it go bring it up.
But there will be no closure on this.
Just an argument and more bad feelings.

Early in a relationship I could see this happening.
Don't condone it, but I know folks are human.
If you have no reason to suspect he's been dishonest with you since,
I'd let that dog lie and never wake it.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 10
Do I let the dog go back to sleep? Feeling a bit insecure
Posted: 12/2/2010 4:18:24 PM
Too late missy,,,you missed your chance a year ago. Doesn't matter NOW what he did a year ago. If it does matter to you,,,,tell him and leave. Honestly,,,,,if it wasn't a problem then,,,,,why are you questioning now????? Did you just wake up out of a coma????
How come woman don't know how to fight????? If you have a problem with me,,,,tell me,,,,when it happens,,,,not after you've put into your little mind and stewed over it for a YEAR!!!!!!! Hell,,,you can put yourself into the funny farm acting that way.

(and in no way am I condoning what he did or didn't do a YEAR,,,,365 days ago.)
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 11
Do I let the dog go back to sleep? Feeling a bit insecure
Posted: 12/2/2010 4:59:45 PM
Are you applying for a membership into the "Psycho Club"? You are-overly obsessed with events that may or may not have happened in the past and will never let it go. You will over-analyze every move he makes and every word he says and look for "bad karma' in the things he says and does. This guy will head for the hills when he's had enough of being accused and ridiculed for his past actions and words. No relationship will work if one or both people have to walk on egg shells 24/7 and never know when the other will explode over something that should have been resolved a long time ago.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 12
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Do I let the dog go back to sleep? Feeling a bit insecure
Posted: 12/2/2010 5:49:01 PM
So you know a year ago he was still meeting up with his ex and yeah probably having sex or trying to have sex with her. Now maybe he's made a choice and picked you or his ex was not interested in getting back together so he ended up with you (harsh I know but that's how you make is sound) and this year he's taking you to the quiz with him...so I guess he won't be cheating. ???? If you've gone a year you must want to be with him, cheater or not, and you already know you are insecure and are going to let him get away with a lot because you desperately want him...so why bother with mind flucking yourself about it? He's going to stay it would seem, so you can have him as long as you are willing to settle for someone who lies to you and isn't in love with you. Pick your poison, do you want an honest man who loves you and says so or do you want this guy with all his faults? That's your choices. Just make sure you go the way that will make you the happiest, and if you stay with him, let the dogs sleep because there's no use in drama and angst if you are wanting to be with him no matter what.
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 13
Do I let the dog go back to sleep? Feeling a bit insecure
Posted: 12/3/2010 6:04:55 AM
You cannot use the excuse 'I was afraid to push him away cause I cared deeply' when you were confronted with behaviour that didnt make sense or was upsetting to you.

Caring for someone deeply should never equal being afraid to speak your mind!

On those nights in question, you should have addressed the issues. You should have told him you felt cheated and disrespected, and let the cards fall where they would have. You may have broken up and really, that would have sent the correct message-that you dont lay like a sidewalk to be walked upon. Now, you did just that and want to resurrect it and deal with it properly. Well, it is too late. Your non action at that time was a signal to him that you accepted the behaviour. Nothing you say now changes this fact.

Take the fear of losing him out of the equation-and realise, he is not making choices based on any fear of losing you...so why are YOU doing that?

If you feel you MUST address this now, then I feel you need to wait until he acts that way again, and THEN address THAT incident. You cannot affectively deal with a situation that has already passed without coming off as passive agrresive, controlling and resentful.
 jlizzy
Joined: 8/14/2007
Msg: 14
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Do I let the dog go back to sleep? Feeling a bit insecure
Posted: 12/10/2010 4:08:37 AM
There's a fair few harsh words flying around there...
I'll adddress some of the main things coming up:
I don't think I was too bad on the not giving him space thing and for any level that I didn't, it was thanks to some things he had said to me like how whilst he wouldn't come on to another woman, he couldn't guarantee he wouldn't turn a woman away if she came on to him type stuff..(he's since told me that was a stupid thing of him to say and is not true)...so I had a number of reasons to not be feeling entirely secure.

I'm not hiding behind jokes or hiding behind some facade of what great friends we are -it's truth but all relationships have their troubles. I've had a few relaionships and this one is definately the best by a long shot. We're great together for many reasons...

The only buts are that he still hasn't told me he loves me 1.5 years on and I've being grappling with insecurity because of this and because of the other factors I've been talking about.

The quiz is an event organised yearly by a group in my hometown.

Why suddenly the issues? Things of late have been going really well. I feel closer to him than ever before but suddenly the things that I let lie are creeping back into my memory as a bunch of yearly events happen again that coincided this weird stuff last year such as him not responding for nearly 24 hours.

At that point we weren't just dating -we were boyfriend and girlfriend already 4 months....that to me is long enough that you shouldn't be cheating on each other.

I wanted to let it go and I had but now all this annual stuff is reminding me of things from a year ago that are making some bad thoughts creep up within me :(
 jlizzy
Joined: 8/14/2007
Msg: 15
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Do I let the dog go back to sleep? Feeling a bit insecure
Posted: 12/10/2010 4:33:27 AM
Btw for the record - I DID address it with him at the time and he effectively apologised for his hurtful behaviour and said he didnt cheat he was just tired and took a taxi home or he would have texted....since then I battled with it in my head on the one hand believing him and on the other thinking it didnt add up...finally I got over it but little did I know with all the annual events taking place that suddenly memories of last year would start flooding back and causing my mind to go over them all again...

Eg today he's asked me to join him to a christmas carol. I thought back to the one last year. It was lovely. He said we'll go for drinks afterwards with his friends like we did last year. That was lovely too. Then suddenly I remember his ex coming over and kind of pouncing on him...putting her hands on his shoulders or something....I know the girl a fair bit...since then any time I've ever seen her over the year she's more reserved.....

Mollydaydream -thanks for your input ;)
I am definately not fooling myself...this is definately all in all a great relationship. We are really good friends...in fact he's my best friend at this rate. We laugh, we joke, we chat, we cuddle...the only thing that would make it better is to hear those special words but even my friends have commented how they would trade those words if it meant having someone treat me so well. He brought me breakfast in bed 3 or 4 days this week, he cooks for me...basically he shows love through his actions...hence I wonder should i address this with him....it's bygone.s...what if I find out yes he did cheat and yet my mind goes over it and over it -if he be deceitful once...could he do it again? At the moment I've every reason to believe that he's totally devoted to us. In the right sense of the word..not the creepy one ;)

A year ago when I heard his answer,m he got stroppy when I asked him why he was giving bed sheets to his ex (red flag to me) but at the time I had already confronted him about it and was worried to start up a fight....maybe on hindsight I should have pushed him more on it but I probably wouldn't have him as a boyfriend today...
 jlizzy
Joined: 8/14/2007
Msg: 16
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Do I let the dog go back to sleep? Feeling a bit insecure
Posted: 12/10/2010 6:07:55 AM
Thanks for those wise words :) Yeah I understand people perceive things differently etc...you described it better than I ever could ;) I realised as well how can people who don't know me or my boyfriend comment on my relationship but I'm just keen for thoughts...I need to bounce things off people...

I guess it boils down to questioning whether I should just slog through those bad memories and moments where I feel the most horrible intense of feelings like today and last week when a mention of the quiz brought back the memories of a year ago when I still wonder if he cheated or not...

I'm wondering do i slog through it and let them come up from time to time and do whatever I can to shoo theem away just thnakful for what I have or do I try and confront it and address it with him honestly at the risk of hearing that he did cheat and thus opening up a whole other can of worms...

I have also frequently thought about what it would mean for him to say he loves me...and what you said is the very reason I'm still with him today -would it really make all that of a difference? God knows I'd love to hear him say it but if I have to choose between what I have now and hearing the words...I definately go for what we have...still at times I think surely I deserve to be told rather than having to question whether he does or doesn;t? I don't tell him at all by the way. I told him a few times -first time last new years eve and then I think about twice since...it kills me the numerous times I'm dying to say it but feel I can't because of him not saying it and not wanting to make him feel pressured....

9 months into the relationship we had a big fight and then he decided to tell me "you know how you said you love me? I don't feel the same way"....this caused a lot of turmoil...in august last we had another fight over the whole thing and we broke up...but neither of us wanted out and so I've let it slide. I brought it up once in recent weeks and he said he's feeling better about us now and that he was feeling under pressure at the time to say it because I had put a kind of ultimatum on him which is no longer the case...
 blindfish
Joined: 11/16/2007
Msg: 17
Do I let the dog go back to sleep? Feeling a bit insecure
Posted: 12/12/2010 8:29:45 PM
You need one thing and one thing only: communication.

Communication solves all problems, one way or another. Anyone who says otherwise is either lying to themselves or lying to you.

You need not approach this as a confrontation, confrontation is conflict and there is no need for conflict here. Tell him how you feel and why, and that you need reassurance from him. Men often, and I mean really often, don't give women the reassurance that they need (not to say that all women need it, but more do than don't). Heck, plenty of men don't get the reassurance they need from their women too.

Letting sleeping dogs lie only leads to having a home that reeks of lazy dog. Work through your problems and resolve them, so that they don't wake up and bite you when you tread on their tails.
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