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Show ALL Forums  > Sex and Dating  > how do you ask abourt sexual history?      Home login  
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 Silky355
Joined: 5/17/2010
Msg: 1
how do you ask abourt sexual history?Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
How do you ask about someone's sexual history as far as if they have a disease or practice safe sex? How long do you wait to ask, 1st date, 3rd date? How do you bring it up graciously and naturally without being too awkward? How do you know they aren't lying?
 smartypants24
Joined: 8/3/2009
Msg: 2
how do you ask abourt sexual history?
Posted: 12/8/2010 8:58:29 PM
I ask them lol. I ask when kissing/making out starts going in the direction of sex, especially if it's been made clear that one or both of us is interested in having sex.

I ask when their last STD test was, if it was clear, when their last sexual partner was, if they use condoms, and if they perform or receive oral sex without protection. I make it clear that I don't engage in sexual relationships without clean STD tests, condoms and exclusivity. It's a frank and adult conversation between two...well...adults. IMO if you can't have this conversation without feeling "awkward" you shouldn't be having sex. Period. YOUR health is more important than getting laid, and can be looked after quite easily with a few simple questions.

You can't really know if they're lying with absolute certainty...but you can ask that STD results are physically presented to you, even suggest that you go together for the tests. You can suggest using condoms for 3-6 months, then suggest another test to make sure you're still clean before ditching the condoms (in a monogamous relationship if you so choose).
 RushLuv
Joined: 4/16/2009
Msg: 3
how do you ask abourt sexual history?
Posted: 12/8/2010 9:03:11 PM
If I guy, and I plan to have sex, I would ask then.

I'm not gonna put a time line on when I should ask. We are two adults, so there is no need for that.
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 4
how do you ask abourt sexual history?
Posted: 12/8/2010 9:13:11 PM
OP- you never ask questions about someone's sexual history that you really don't wanna know the answer to.

what you should do is to set forth YOUR expectations of them with you.

ie- "look, I wanna get tested before we have sex and we will use condoms", etc etc...

that way you don't have to have someone lie to you!!

you're not going to get 100% straight answer. cuz most all of us, even if we do practice safe sex, etc have gotten caught at least a time or two without protection, etc...

just saying
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 5
view profile
History
how do you ask abourt sexual history?
Posted: 12/9/2010 2:00:13 AM
I do not ask someone their sexual history......it's none of my business.
I do discuss "sexual present"......current STD testings, likes and dislikes.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 6
how do you ask abourt sexual history?
Posted: 12/9/2010 2:57:17 AM

How do you ask about someone's sexual history as far as if they have a disease or practice safe sex? How long do you wait to ask, 1st date, 3rd date? How do you bring it up graciously and naturally without being too awkward?

For the most part, I don't, per se, because the key question is:

How do you know they aren't lying?

You don't know for certain. In my opinion, the most important element in safer sex is choosing your partner wisely. By that, I mean choose partners who are not secretive and who are not cagey when it comes to talking about sex and know them well enough to have some intuition about their integrity. A person with integrity is going to tell you if he/she has something you need to know about or at least bring up the topic for discussion. A person with no integrity who has an STD will lie, so asking about STDs directly is of dubious value. At worst, you'll get a false sense of security if you don't know enough about your partner to judge his/her honesty. Making a judgment about a person's honesty, integrity and overall sense of ethics begins the first time you ever talk to a person, so start practicing safer sex by trying to gauge a potential partner's openness and honesty and run from people who are defensive and evasive. Instead of asking someone what you want to know, volunteer that information about yourself first and see what kind of response you get.

Being tested is never going to be a bad idea, but realistically, most people don't start dating and then plan a date at a clinic to get tested together, so whether or not you insist on you and your partner getting tested prior to having sex is a judgment call based on how comfortable you are with the risks you're taking. Even if you do want tests prior to sex, you shouldn't have to insist on being tested together. If you insist on tests, but don't trust your partner to be tested or your partner is evasive about the results, on general principles, you should probably not have sex with that person. If you feel like it's necessary to accompany someone to the clinic to trust him/her, you should not have sex with that person.

Again, talking about STDs is pointless unless you have some idea of how likely you are to be told the truth. If you know a person well enough to judge that person's sense of ethics, in all likelyhood, volunteering the information about yourself ought to be reciprocated without hesitation. Finally, you can't avoid the possibility of making bad judgments about your partner or the possibilty that your partner lied to you, so protect yourself by wearing condoms. In spite of anything you do, you can still win the lottery, so if you are averse to taking any risk at all, abstinence is your only option.
 Crabby_McCrabberson
Joined: 8/11/2010
Msg: 7
how do you ask abourt sexual history?
Posted: 12/9/2010 4:57:26 AM
Don't directly ask. Run their name by the all-powerful, all-knowing Cyber Stalkers.
 motown cowgirl
Joined: 6/30/2010
Msg: 8
how do you ask abourt sexual history?
Posted: 12/9/2010 5:50:47 AM
(1) if you're old enough to have sex with somebody and not be committing statutory rape, then you're old enough to have an adult conversation about birth control and STDs. i'd say that "on the first date" is a little tacky; on the other hand, since there are lots of people out there who have no compunctions at all about fukking somebody more or less immediately, let's just say the discussion should take place before that actually happens. if you don't feel comfortable having that discussion, then why would you feel comfortable grinding genitals with someone under a bed sheet? that's sorta like saying you don't like guns but then you pick up the first revolver you can find so you can play russian roulette.

(2) you can't really know if a person is lying, because liars will intentionally find all sorts of ways to hide the fact that they have something to hide. the best way to avoid a liar is to learn how to pick up on the subtle cues they give off subconsciously. if you aren't a particularly discerning person and you can't smell a red flag when you see one, then not only are you going to miss the liars, you will also miss other kinds of people who will ultimately bring harm to you in some way. or, if you aren't a fundamentally trusting person because either you don't know how to trust or are afraid to trust, then you'll either have a subconscious attraction to people who can't be trusted, or approach every person you meet with a shield of paranoia in the name of self-defense.

either way, i'd say having sex with someone is the *last* thing you should be thinking about.
 bilby886
Joined: 7/19/2007
Msg: 9
view profile
History
how do you ask abourt sexual history?
Posted: 12/9/2010 6:24:29 AM
Oh this is too easy
A:hi,
b: hi ..you must beeeee......Bob? from POF? the pseudonym " XXXXXXXer rocket"?

a: yeh , so you're Shiela? " flowerXXXXer" ... sweeeet!

b: doode! So.... you look like an awesome frackercracker with the crackerlackin' !
how many have you nailed? more than a methyl fracked Roman centurion on a good friday judging by the size of "Mr. Happy's house" down there ......or are you just glad to see me?

A: yeh! want some chips? ##evil grin##

b: no thanks ... but I'll give you a BJ after you tell me how many people you have totallly Frackeded?

A:???!............
b:..............

Use above partial conversation as a template freely for all settings


or more direct:-
how ya doin boss? you're lookin' pretty tight! tight as a tiger! Wanna tell me a story about it bud?
 broncsbuff
Joined: 4/18/2008
Msg: 10
how do you ask abourt sexual history?
Posted: 12/9/2010 6:28:11 AM

How do you know they aren't lying?


You wont....end of story.

Now, if you are REALLY concerned about STD'S and such then dont have sex for about 6- 8 months, both get tested and go on with life.

If your someone who goes around asking about peoples sexual history then your just gonna stress yourself out...

Do you think a female is gonna tell you about that one time the really hott dude from the club banged her in her car after about 10 minutes of knowing her?

Do you think a male is gonna tell you about that one time when him and his buddy tagged team some chick?

Dont make people lie to you.....go get tested and be done with it...
 bilby886
Joined: 7/19/2007
Msg: 11
view profile
History
how do you ask abourt sexual history?
Posted: 12/9/2010 7:33:14 AM
Do you think a female is gonna tell you about that one time the really hott dude from the club banged her in her car after about 10 minutes of knowing her?



you obviously don't read this forum closely enough hehe sunny boyo ha ha he he ho ho
sorry ... got carried away there but......
theres girls gurls n ' esteemed ladies admittin' to car / bush - as in outdoors/ clubbing sex...spankin' wankin' frackin' and crackalackin'/ everything but the kitchen sink and mum involved! .....On this very forum of frequently tickling deviant decorum.
hell ! ........ I've admitted to going downtown If I'm offered a bag of chips ....[incidentallaly I'm not the only one! Solidarnosch!]

no ...I know I'm wrong
you caught me out
I have poohooed. made a mistake... I'm ready to be flamed and have my chip rations confiscated ... just keep the one time protein shot.

in one of the sex toy threads the kitchen sink is mentioned, ...........thank golly for that ...
This Is Serious Mum TISM.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 12
how do you ask abourt sexual history?
Posted: 12/9/2010 8:04:11 AM
Do you think a female is gonna tell you about that one time the really hott dude from the club banged her in her car after about 10 minutes of knowing her?

Women do tell me stuff like that, so I guess I'd have to go with yes. Maybe women tell me stuff like that because I don't make judgments about people for having done that sort of thing.

Do you think a male is gonna tell you about that one time when him and his buddy tagged team some chick?

If I had done that, I suppose I would tell a woman that I had. I've never hesitated to mention that I've visited a few escorts, so I don't see why I'd hesitate to mention anything else.

Dont make people lie to you.....

I don't. I only feel like it's in their best interests to make sure their lie is better than my ability to figure out I'm being told a lie. If I'm making someone do anything, it's making a judgment about who is going to win when playing that game. If someone can't afford to lose, then not playing is the best option. When I was teaching, I told my students something similar about cheating. They could cheat all they wanted as long as they could do it well enough to fool me. A few thought they were smarter than I was. Perhaps someone was.
 SlowMotionApocalypse
Joined: 10/15/2010
Msg: 13
how do you ask abourt sexual history?
Posted: 12/9/2010 9:29:00 AM
I would rather not talk about it. Mainly because I am a bit self-conscious about my own history and how far behind I am for my age. No problems with just getting tested and being done with it. Or not being tested and using condoms and hope for the best. Whatever.
 SpecificTruths
Joined: 9/19/2009
Msg: 14
how do you ask abourt sexual history?
Posted: 12/9/2010 9:42:43 AM

I do not ask someone their sexual history......it's none of my business.
I do discuss "sexual present"......current STD testings, likes and dislikes.



If you really want to know anything relevant, go get tested together. Before he met you, anything he did is none of your damn business.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 15
how do you ask abourt sexual history?
Posted: 12/9/2010 10:19:57 AM
How do you ask about someone's sexual history as far as if they have a disease or practice safe sex?

"So? What's your STD Testing routine? How current are your last test results? How are the phlebotomists there, I mean are they kind when they poke ya? Oh really? So you're happy there? Cool!" (Of course, that's a one sided conversation ~ he's hopefully answering me. )

How long do you wait to ask, 1st date, 3rd date?

It just seems to flow naturally ~ no definite time.

How do you bring it up graciously and naturally without being too awkward?

I haven't thought many topics were awkward since about the 8th grade. If you can't talk about sex with the person you may have sex with, you shouldn't be having sex.

How do you know they aren't lying?

You know when you make a date to go get tested and you both have written test results. Otherwise? You'll never know for sure. JMO
 Pilose_Wink
Joined: 11/2/2010
Msg: 16
how do you ask abourt sexual history?
Posted: 12/9/2010 12:23:40 PM

If your someone who goes around asking about peoples sexual history then your just gonna stress yourself out...


You’ll only stress yourself out if you’re looking/hoping for and expecting a particular answers. I have never asked anyone’s sexual history as if it were an exam question, but for some reason, it’s always come up and we have talked about it, almost matter of factually. If they can’t talk about it, they most likely have some issues I really don’t want to deal with.



Do you think a female is gonna tell you about that one time the really hott dude from the club banged her in her car after about 10 minutes of knowing her?


A few have told me much more. I’m pretty sure people can sense when a question is asked in a judgmental tone so they would avoid answering. By the way you state this, it seems to say that you would judge a woman because she got her groove on at the time however she so wanted to. And what if she did tell you? Would the date then be over?



Do you think a male is gonna tell you about that one time when him and his buddy tagged team some chick?


I did and worse. I want the one I’m with to know where I’ve been, what I have done and learned along the way, even the things that I’m not the most proud of.



Dont make people lie to you.....go get tested and be done with it...


Very true, don’t make people lie to you, but then again, the questioner has a hand in the answer too. And if you don’t learn how to genuinely question and really listen without judging, the test results you get will only mean you can bang away with minimum protection, to your heart’s content if that’s all you want.

The test results won’t however keep them from robbing you, stealing your credit card, drinking all your booze in the middle of the night and abused their previous spouse or show if they’re married after they said they were a widow. A test only answers one question, for the rest, you need far more intuition.
 peppermint petunias
Joined: 9/2/2009
Msg: 17
how do you ask abourt sexual history?
Posted: 12/9/2010 12:56:37 PM
You don't. IMO
I think we all l lived through some crazy times and I don't want it running through his head about Fernando..

Naw.............


But get tested before "unprotected" sex together.




If you really want to know anything relevant, go get tested together. Before he met you, anything he did is none of your damn business.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

No one wants to hear about the graveyard thing in July of 89 IMO

But......I would want to know if you made a living at it..
Did my sister..or something that may pop up years later ...DADDY!!!!!!!!!

If it could be relevant to NOW.
 Pilose_Wink
Joined: 11/2/2010
Msg: 18
how do you ask abourt sexual history?
Posted: 12/9/2010 1:40:27 PM
No one wants to hear about the graveyard thing in July of 89 IMO



Oh?.... Why?..... How many goats were involved?

Come on, give it up! Strictly for research purposes of course.
 SpecificTruths
Joined: 9/19/2009
Msg: 19
how do you ask abourt sexual history?
Posted: 12/9/2010 1:59:10 PM

But get tested before "unprotected" sex together.

We've established condoms are only partially effective against STDs, and barely effective against some of them. Get tested before ANY sex together.


If it could be relevant to NOW.

To me, the only thing relevant to now is the presence or lack thereof of STDs.
 hemanmachostudlovegod
Joined: 11/28/2010
Msg: 20
how do you ask abourt sexual history?
Posted: 12/9/2010 2:39:48 PM
I can tell everything I would need to know about a woman by watching the way she walks. There is therefor no need to interrogate her. By the time she has bought my coffee and come to sit down, all is known.
 ChillinChill
Joined: 10/2/2010
Msg: 21
how do you ask abourt sexual history?
Posted: 12/9/2010 3:24:03 PM
You dont' need a sexual history. IT DOESN'T MATTER how many or who or what number of acts they performed. It only takes ONE encounter with an infected person to transmit an STD.
So if she or he was a virgin when she or he got married and only slept with her husband /wife but her husband/wife .... dingle dangled with dalliances.
SHE or HE might be infected. Only having one parther.

While another may have had 100 and is disease free.

It DOES NOT matter at all how many, you just need to know if there was ONE other and get a TEST.
 peppermint petunias
Joined: 9/2/2009
Msg: 22
how do you ask abourt sexual history?
Posted: 12/9/2010 4:46:46 PM

Oh?.... Why?..... How many goats were involved?

Come on, give it up! Strictly for research purposes of course.

Research Hmmmmmmmmm
.

Actually no goats of the earthly kind...
Ever been in Carolina on a hawt August night in a dark old church cemetery and laid down on cold marble..knowing someone beneath you is dead and God may be watching???

Wine was involved anyway..so kinda reverent but not relevant.



To me, the only thing relevant to now is the presence or lack thereof of STDs.

^^^^^^^^^^^basically..Unless a set of 4 year old twins was suddenly dropped on my doorstep UGH!!
No, make that three year olds with dirty boots, cell phones and a subway sandwich.

Op.Some care, I don't unless it was Jessica Walters from Play Misty for me and she still has it for you......




Be safe and happy.
 broncsbuff
Joined: 4/18/2008
Msg: 23
how do you ask abourt sexual history?
Posted: 12/9/2010 5:51:16 PM

By the way you state this, it seems to say that you would judge a woman because she got her groove on at the time however she so wanted to.


I state this because I DONT CARE. If I like a girl her sexual history will not change that. I have NEVER asked a women about her sexual history.....NEVER.
1. none of my business
2. I gain NOTHING from it.
If she told me that she slept with 4 guys her entire liftime, and they all cheated on her, that is no different that her telling me she slept with 4 guys all one night stands...the risks are the same...nothing has changed.


I did and worse. I want the one I’m with to know where I’ve been, what I have done and learned along the way, even the things that I’m not the most proud of.


I agree...kinda...if a women is gonna ask me, and she keeps on pushing then I will tell her all about my sexual adventures...BUT...if she judges me by my sexual past, then she is not the woman for me anyway.

I just dont understand what anybody has to gain by knowing someones sexual history. I will never ask a womans sexual history..that is just me. If I like a female, I like her, could care less that she banged some dude in the parking lot at Wendys...(I wouldnt know cause I wouldnt ask)
 Munchausen
Joined: 11/28/2010
Msg: 24
how do you ask abourt sexual history?
Posted: 12/9/2010 6:07:30 PM

How do you ask about someone's sexual history as far as if they have a disease or practice safe sex?

By making an appointment to get tested and offering to take them with you to get one too.
Otherwise you shouldn't. As there's no way to tell if they are lying. There's no way to tell especially if they don't think they are lying (like that one time 10 years ago they had unprotected sex while drunk with a friend, but nothing bad happened since then, and ever since it's been "safe," and they don't even consider that as having sex really).


How do you bring it up graciously and naturally without being too awkward?

If you are scared about asking, worried about how you will appear, worried about being awkward, should you be thinking about sex with them?
Seems to me you shouldn't even contemplate sex with someone unless you are able to talk to them about it without being scared.
Seems to me your focus "should" be on "communication" rather than sex at this point.

Unless of course that is "really" the only reason you are there pretending to be a boyfriend, or dating around, or compatible is to just get to the sex so don't want to have to worry about communication.
Then it doesn't matter, you are only looking for lip service to make you feel okay for doing what you are doing.
The most safe you can be (other than simply masturbating together in the same room) is you wrap it up (maybe twice, with a rubber band), don't kiss, touching to a minimum, no uncovered oral sex, take some penicillin, and get tested every 6 months afterward.
 foreverstacey
Joined: 11/28/2009
Msg: 25
how do you ask abourt sexual history?
Posted: 12/9/2010 6:11:45 PM
If you can't ask someone about something as simple as this, you shouldn't be having sex.
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