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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Taking things slowly vs. wasting time      Home login  
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 WaywardWynde
Joined: 5/19/2007
Msg: 3
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Taking things slowly vs. wasting timePage 1 of 11    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)
EVERY important to me relationship has started quickly indeed.

What's more, EVERY woman whose opinion I value when asked said for her too important relationships started quickly.

Dud relationships "start slowly", though some may linger and languish and float like deadwood in a pond for decades on end.

If someone can't make up their mind whether or not they like someone else, they don't.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 4
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Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/12/2010 11:24:52 AM
Taking things slowly just means getting to know someone in many situations and seeing how that fits with what you want and who you want to be with. If you think dating someone and getting to know them as a person is a waste of your time & money unless you getting benefits in return, then it's highly unlikely that you will bother to get to know them no matter how long you take. If finding out about the person they are and enjoying that learning is not your goal, then yes you are wasting your time and should date to get tit for tat. Don't go against your morals & values, whatever they are, or you will always be disappointed which can quickly lead to resentment and bitterness. There's nothing wrong with serial dating and one-night stands and getting what you want as quickly as you want it, as long as you are honest about your goals and the other person is willing to participate and wants the same things you do. As long as you aren't trying to fool someone, no foul.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 6
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Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/12/2010 11:36:47 AM
I take it you are impatient about some thing or some one you want to date? In a rush to get to sex? Want a rapid commitment? Just want more time with the TV remote? What?
I agree with the loverly Petunia. It's only wasting time if you spend time on someone you KNOW you don't want to be with.
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 7
Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/12/2010 11:40:55 AM
agreed with peppermints.

its only wasting time when one or both is not interested.


people take things slowly with people they are interested in.
 WaywardWynde
Joined: 5/19/2007
Msg: 9
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Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/12/2010 11:48:54 AM
Some people are quick studies, some people ride the short yellow bus to school.

If one is paying attention, one knows from the get-go what the situation is and is likely to continue to be.

I knew a man once -- then married for 10+ years to a woman he adored and by whom he had two kids -- who said when he was 30, his roommate absolutely PRESSURED him into going to party he didn't want to go to because the people there would be kids in their early 20's.

He said he was drinking a beer in the kitchen and wondering how he might leave early (roommate drove) when a young (then 22 year old) woman walked into the party. He said he told his roommate, "THERE is the woman I am going to marry."

I personally have never seen, nor heard of from anyone I personally know, a good relationship which "started slowly."
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 11
Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/12/2010 12:15:24 PM
^^^^^when the interest is mutual and both know the interest is mutual, typically you can easily take your time w/out feeling like anyone is wasting time.
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 13
Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/12/2010 12:27:02 PM
I've gone out with a few men, and it seems that the majority want to head into the bedroom as quickly as possible. Why?

So you have some urges, and the woman is there to help you satisfy those urges?

I want to get to know you first.
I want to understand who you are and what you think.
Give me time and if I really like you, my so called "urges" will trigger.
I am looking for a LONG term commitment.
Someone who I would like to wake up beside, each and every morning.

Most women feel this way, and you have to allow us to catch up to your urges.
So let us take our time.

However if what you want is a quick sex, there are those women who are interested in that also.

What do you REALLY want?
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 15
Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/12/2010 12:45:42 PM
~OP~ I've often wondered what exactly that means. Taking time, that is. I don't place time limits on how/when this that or the other should be happening, or not happening. When I have met someone and there's chemistry, you move along. Things may progress, things may not. I don't think it takes much time to figure out which way something is going. But that's just me.
 *topchef*
Joined: 8/2/2008
Msg: 16
Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/12/2010 12:49:22 PM
When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible. from "When Harry Met Sally"

This is kinda the way I feel. When you meet someone and you both "click", you feel compelled, drawn to each other, wanting to share experiences, bring joy and build on the relationship. The relationship gains a certain momentum that is a bit intoxicating.

And if you dont click, I dont see any reason to drag things out waiting endlessly for the magic to happen.
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 17
Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/12/2010 1:00:14 PM
^^^^Is there not a saying that goes "Patience is a Virtue"?

So topchef, you meet someone, you click, your drawn to each other, your hormones are raging and he has the urges ... so you do the deed.

You think that "this is who you want to spend the rest of your life with".

He thinks "he just got lucky", however to be with this woman longer then a week....no way!

Next, you are on the forums saying "I just met a player".

You have to be sure, that you are both on the same page, AND reading from the same book.

I vote for "take your time."


The relationship gains a certain momentum that is a bit intoxicating.


I call that lusting. When your mind is on overdrive creating dopamine.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 18
Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/12/2010 1:02:31 PM
If you take the attitude that you deserve a return on time investment, then it's no wonder you feel this way. If you can't spend time getting to know people without wondering what you're getting out of it, and consider that you don't end up with most people you meet in any type of relationship, dating may not be for you.
 *topchef*
Joined: 8/2/2008
Msg: 19
Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/12/2010 1:36:02 PM

So topchef, you meet someone, you click, your drawn to each other, your hormones are raging and he has the urges ... so you do the deed.
You think that "this is who you want to spend the rest of your life with".
He thinks "he just got lucky", however to be with this woman longer then a week....no way!


Who was talking about sex specifically??? Getting to know someone and clicking is much more than sexual chemistry. I thought we were talking about a relationships!!!

For some people, taking things slowly means "not opening up", divulging personal information, expressing your ideas and dreams, your truths, staying closed off and not allowing yourself to be vulnerable. Playing it safe and superficial. Limiting conversation to small talk and worldly concerns. It is not solely about sex. At least not in terms of my definition.

Male urges!! Is that the only reason to have sex? When you are at a point in the relationship that you can no longer be in each other's company without wanting to make love, then why would you delay that....because of some prescribed set of rules!! ?? Or you havent hit that magic number of dates yet?? Or is it because you do not trust yourself enough to know when someone is genuine or know your own heart?? Which is it?

Sex is not a one way street, something the man enjoys and the woman "gives up". It can and should be a mutually beneficial expression of the realationship. When both people realize the relationship has legs, why not admit it and make the most of it?

FTR, I have never dated a player. They are easy to spot and dont resonate with me. They usually cant get past any conversation that goes below the surface. Most of them aren't as smart as they think they are.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 20
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Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/12/2010 1:37:43 PM

I personally have never seen, nor heard of from anyone I personally know, a good relationship which "started slowly."

My parents dated exactly one year before my Dad said "I Love You, will you marry me?" That was also the night they had sex for the first time.
They lived a very happy life together for 40 years until her death.


Although sex (or at least the guy being 'pleased') on a first date is awesome, it's not the best place to start a 'relationship'.

Sorry, but the "at least the guy being pleased" speaks volumes on what you really want.
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 21
Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/12/2010 1:53:40 PM

Who was talking about sex specifically??? Getting to know someone and clicking is much more than sexual chemistry. I thought we were talking about a relationships!!!


I agree that getting to know someone is much more than sexual chemistry. However the original post started out as dating and then moving into something more physical, so that is what I was referring to.


For some people, taking things slowly means "not opening up", divulging personal information, expressing your ideas and dreams, your truths, staying closed off and not allowing yourself to be vulnerable. Playing it safe and superficial. Limiting conversation to small talk and worldly concerns. It is not solely about sex. At least not in terms of my definition.


I can see your point of view.


Male urges!! Is that the only reason to have sex? When you are at a point in the relationship that you can no longer be in each other's company without wanting to make love, then why would you delay that....because of some prescribed set of rules!! ?? Or you havent hit that magic number of dates yet?? Or is it because you do not trust yourself enough to know when someone is genuine or know your own heart?? Which is it?


There are no prescribed set of rules. Do I not trust myself enough? I just want to be sure that we are working towards the same goals, and for me that takes time.


Sex is not a one way street, something the man enjoys and the woman "gives up". It can and should be a mutually beneficial expression of the realationship. When both people realize the relationship has legs, why not admit it and make the most of it?


Absolutely! For me, when I realize that there is relationship on the horizon, then by all means.

I have not come across a player yet, however there have been occasions where I did not take the time I needed to assess the relationship to see where it was headed. So now, I am more careful.
I find that when a sexual relationship occurs, I become attached, and I want to avoid the displeasure of him not being on the same page. So .... again, I would like to take my time. And I can, because there are no prescribed rules which have to be followed.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 23
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Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/12/2010 3:12:53 PM
Male urges

Spend enough time studying people and how they tic and you will find there are just as many men out there without an urge for sex at all as there are women who want sex now, many times, everyday. These generalizations crack me up.

Nobody has to take any time to get to know if they actually like someone, you can jump right in anytime you want. But it's easier to get out of a bad relationship if you don't get so tangled up in one that you have shared expenses/children/STD / commitments/pets until you find out if you even like a person past lusting for them or just lusting or being desperately lonely and thinking having someone will fix things. It's also way too easy to pretend to yourself that you love someone you don't even like, because you have jumped right in, but when you take your time finding out who someone is, then you can make a more honest decision about wanting to be with them. I mean with divorce rates so high, and before that with so many very unhappy marriages, one would think that getting to know someone better before getting too involved would just be common sense.
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 29
Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/13/2010 1:23:19 PM
The best relationships I ever had....we took things a little slow.

The relationships I feel I was hurt the most, are the ones I rushed a bit, didnt take the time...but it is not the same for everyone.

Basically, if one feels things are going too slow, speaks thier mind,and the other still stalls, you have two incompatible people...so deal with that.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 31
Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/14/2010 5:14:16 AM
Time, including that supposed "wasted time", is relative. I've never considered time spent with a person that I want(and they want) to be with, as "wasted". I'm kinda funny that way though.

Now, if you don't want to be with someone and yet you still hang with them, are you not the one to blame????
 melissa0607
Joined: 2/12/2009
Msg: 33
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Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/14/2010 6:22:24 AM
I like anticipation so I am in no hurry to get physical. It feels good having a prelude to a kiss. If you bang right off, you missed a great opportunity to savor the potential. The more the attraction, the better it is to prolong your prelude. I'm not going to be crass and say outright just how long my prelude is when it's fully prolonged. But I haven't had any complaints, either. Maybe you wouldn't feel like it was time wasted if you enjoyed the time being all het up.

There is an aspect to sex that is erotic. It is about the feelings you have being on the verge of doing sex acts. It happens even with all of your clothes still on. It even happens when you don't have sex. Dancing is a good example of eroticism of this sort. Think of the three dates required before sex as a kind of lap dance that can take place in public. Every move she makes is yours to enjoy. Let her show you her stuff without rushing to stuff her. Have some class. Take your own turn simmering with desire. It's sexy. It engages her imagination when she senses that just beneath your gentlemanly surface rages what must surely prove to be an unstoppable passion. Groping her boob doesn't provide that


I really like this, well said. Please be crass and say how long your prelude is when fully prolonged. I am curious. I have only been with my SO for 2 1/2 weeks. We have spent a ton of time together and there has been a lot of building of anticipation going on during this time, all clothes still on and everything. We click so well and the passion is definitely there, it is very hard to deny. I found myself fighting it for fear of making the same mistakes I have in the past by rushing into things with people I click with, so I found myself trying to control what I was feeling, thinking, wanting, etc. So what do you do in that case? Go with everything you are feeling or try to control it?

Turns out that 2 weeks in he ended up telling me that he fell in love with me and I believe him. He does not strike me as the type of guy that would say that if he didn't mean it. I had been feeling that way for a couple of days but kept telling myself it was unrealistic. We obviously still have a lot to learn about each other and do together but does that make the feeling any less real? It'll either turn into lasting love or it won't.

I would also like to know what people consider taking it slow and what is fast? I assume we all have different "time frames" for these things.

I feel you can only waste time in certain scenarios. Such as if you are looking to have children and you keep wasting 6 months, a year or 2 years with people that you know in your heart or mind you cannot end up with, then you have wasted precious time on them. If you do not have these kinds of goals then what is the harm in spending time with someone and getting to know them? In that case you are just enjoying your life.
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 35
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Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/16/2010 4:50:34 AM
If you are in a "taking it slow" situation and are not in High School, you are wasting your time. Adults know what they want and are normally free to follow their desires. If she wants to take it slow, its because that is the level of her desire. Same with a man. If someone want to go slowly, its because they are just not all that into you.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 36
Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/16/2010 9:40:03 AM
I gotta tell you, for all you that think a woman who's not quick to warm up isn't interested - I happen to be proof that it's not a guarantee.

I tend to be slow to warm up, but once I'm there - not only do I have a high libido, I tend to be the one wanting intimacy (at least in some situations). Just because I don't throw affection at everyone right away (including friends) doesn't mean there's no interest in those people.

I've been mistaken many times for not being THAT interested because I didn't do cartwheels over someone or call them constantly or stalk them or become overly emotional...unfortunately before they met me they dealt with a lot of that and think I'm the odd one out because I don't act over the top. I'm not going to act like women in their past to prove I'm just as into them. *shrug*
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 38
Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/16/2010 4:19:25 PM

I don't doubt you for a minute Womaninprogress,
There are women out there just like that, and Id go as far as to say thats they are the most desirable women out there to most men, but they are very rear, and hard to find, I would love to meet a women who was shy when I met her, then went "wild women" on me after weeks/months of courting or what ever, but in reality that doesn't happen very often.
Usually what happens is we find ourself stuck with the person we met.

I said I was slow to warm up, not shy, as I tend to be the one to approach men first - in fact I prefer it as men who approach me aren't my type.

The two are not even close to the same thing.
 WaywardWynde
Joined: 5/19/2007
Msg: 39
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Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/16/2010 4:59:13 PM
^^^ If the guy has a problem in that too few women "go all wild" on him, it's because he is chasing women a good deal more attractive than he is, rather than chasing women a good less attractive.

Biology works that way.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 41
Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/17/2010 4:28:32 AM

You should read posts more carefully before replying, I never called you shy, All I did was agree with you, but as far as that goes, talk is cheap, So my acceptance of what you said was little more than pandering.

True, you never called ME anything - however in response to my post - you used "shy". Your words:

I would love to meet a women who was shy when I met her, then went "wild women" on me after weeks/months

Looks like "shy" to me. Which is fine, I just tend to be literal - no need to respond to what I said. I just explained that in my case, shy isn't the right word.

You can present yourself how ever you want, that still doesn't change the fact that on average, what you see in a women within the first three dates is normally what you are going to get

I don't aspire to change what other women do. My point was that when a woman isn't ready to jump into bed with you in the first 20 minutes of knowing you, it doesn't always make her frigid.
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 42
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Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/17/2010 5:21:07 AM
For me, the issue is the nature of the interaction. You meet, feelings develop, you have the impression things are going really well, then someone puts on the breaks rather unexpectedly. This I conclude means that the feelings you have are not running at the same level as the others feelings.

Now, at the 40+ age level, its normally true that what you feel is based on a lot of experience in life, and your feelings are not usually wrong. So, it pretty well has to mean that if you are feeling that its time to make progress and the other feels it isn't, you are wasting your time, either because you are being strung along or the other is socially dysfunctional in some way. In either case, you are wasting your time.

To me this is something different from a "going slow" situation. If someone wants to go slow, they will not communicate to you that its OK to go faster, hence you won't feel the breaks being hit because you won't have your foot on the accelerator. The only decision you have to make then is whether you consider the pace of progress worth your investment. If you decide it is, its not a waste of time, if you decide it isn't, you don't waste time either. You walk!
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 43
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Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/17/2010 7:20:14 AM
Well, I think you already went on a date before the issue of "going slow" would ever be able to arise, so I don't understand the first paragraph of your response at all.

As to the second paragraph, I can't see how that relates to anything I said. Must refer to some other post. In general, however, the business of the rate at which one moves is a mutual thing, and your points about getting laid and diseases are based on the idea that you got to defend yourself against the big bad world out there. Of course that is true, but totally beside the point about the rate at which two people choose to develop their relationship.

You can have a sexless relationship with someone for years and still come down with the clap, or something else, in 5 minutes. Whether someone is an HPV carrier or not has nothing to do with how long you have been going out with them, or whether or not you engage in oral pleasures with them.
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