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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Taking the wrong lesson from Dating and Love (a lighthearted misinter      Home login  
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 NotElvisJunior
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 1
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Taking the wrong lesson from Dating and Love (a lighthearted misinterpretation)Page 1 of 1    
Whoo, ok, so maybe I shouldn't try to post my entire thread in the subject line, should I?

Anyhoo, I was thinking on my past relationships - dating, long-term, my marriage/divorce, etc.

It occurs to me that there was a particularly odd pattern.

Y'see, as it turns out, whenever things broke off with some women, they broke off in a fairly non-dramatic way.

Yet with others, there was misery, suffering, heartache, hostility, etc.

The odd pattern is that the smooth (not necessarily graceful or considerate, just relatively smooth) break-offs always happened with women who definitely appealed to my physical preferences.

The horrific ones happened with those whom I looked beyond the surface, for the inner-beauty, for their inner-self. Not to say that they were unattractive, mind you, just that they weren't physically on the top of my list as being my type.

So, in conclusion, the lesson I am to take from my experiences is that I should stop looking at the inside, because then I will get hurt. I should clearly be a shallow, superficial cad! If I like the inner-person afterward, well, that's gravy!



I suspect, however, that I will have great difficulty getting a publishing deal should I write a book on relationships, and probably equal difficulty getting a talk-show where I am a relationships "expert." Call it a hunch....
 StarshipNarrator
Joined: 6/30/2010
Msg: 2
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Taking the wrong lesson from Dating and Love (a lighthearted misinterpretation)
Posted: 1/11/2011 8:39:26 PM

So, in conclusion, the lesson I am to take from my experiences is that I should stop looking at the inside, because then I will get hurt. I should clearly be a shallow, superficial cad! If I like the inner-person afterward, well, that's gravy!


You're a little bit off. It's actually perfectly fine to be a little shallow . In fact, I think it's healthy to be somewhat shallow. When you fall into the "tunnel vision" trap of only looking at someone's "inner beauty" then you have the potential to wreck your brain. It's so easy to just get so emotionally and mentally invested in someone that you don't see them as a whole at least when you first meet someone.

Maybe we might pay 100% attention to their "inner self" and no attention to actual behaviors that could perplex, piss off or annoy us. You could also say that not putting your everything into every single woman you meet grants you the option of dodging a bullet if they really are damaged, f-u-c-k-e-d up, not for you, etc.

So, next time you see a woman walking by and she's wearing some boots that mentally and emotionally make you say "F-u-c-k those boots" just know that it's alright . It's often (arguably all the time) important to seriously pay attention to your gut reactions. I can't count how many times I've talked to a woman and it went nowhere because I ignored my first/accurate reaction and focused solely on her "inner beauty".
 colt8301
Joined: 10/25/2006
Msg: 3
Taking the wrong lesson from Dating and Love (a lighthearted misinterpretation)
Posted: 1/12/2011 3:39:58 AM

So, in conclusion, the lesson I am to take from my experiences is that I should stop looking at the inside, because then I will get hurt. I should clearly be a shallow, superficial cad! If I like the inner-person afterward, well, that's gravy!




LOL!!!!!!!^^^^, of course. Let's see here.....Good looking folks tend to have stables of people "waiting in the wings" so of course they can be smooth especially if they are doing the breaking off. People considered "less" attractive tend to want to hold on and get desperate at the prospect of being alone, so parting with them probably would be "ugly".
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 4
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Taking the wrong lesson from Dating and Love (a lighthearted misinterpretation)
Posted: 1/12/2011 4:19:24 AM
I'm not clear on what you are saying. "there was misery, suffering, heartache, hostility, etc." WHO had the misery, suffering, and heartache? You? Her? Both?
My impression is that you were fine all the time, and felt "inconvenienced" by the fact that the "inner beauty" women didn't go away cheerfully enough to make YOU feel good. IF that's the case, I would personally conclude that you are thinking only of your own comfort, and not thinking at all of how the other person feels, and therefore you are not learning from your dealings with them. Since your conclusion is that you should stop trying to date women who LESS physically attractive to you, so YOU can avoid feeling uncomfortable when you dump them, I would certainly agree that a successful book on relationships is NOT in your future.
As for the pattern, if it isn't obvious already, the common factor CAUSING the pattern isn't the women, it's you.
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 5
Taking the wrong lesson from Dating and Love (a lighthearted misinterpretation)
Posted: 1/12/2011 12:00:08 PM
It hurts more when someone we think we had a deep emotional/mental connection with, disappoints us, or ends things.

Of course a 'shallow' relationship wont have as many tears shed afterwards when it ends. It was just fun n games, no big emotional investment.
 WaywardWynde
Joined: 5/19/2007
Msg: 6
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Taking the wrong lesson from Dating and Love (a lighthearted misinterpretation)
Posted: 1/12/2011 12:58:57 PM
To some women, you are fruit high on the tree, fruit they had to stand on their tippy toes and REACH for. You're the realization of a fantasy.

For other women, you are waist level or knee level fruit on the tree, fruit at easy reach.

For the first group, when you leave they lost a great deal in the physical attractiveness department AND they may feel -- accurately -- they are not likely to ever again grasp such high fruit.

For the second group, when you leave they can grab all kinds of other (equally attractive) fruit which is ---to them--- easy pickin's.

FWIW, fruit "low on the tree" is FAR more readily, enthusastically, eagerly, thankfully available.

So ...

... if you are a decent guy "who is not shallow", as the phrase goes (meaning you don't automatically dismiss out of hand all less than super-star good looking women), you could be finding yourself more often in the company of "groupie" style women than guys "who are shallow", as the phrase goes. Not bad, probably, except at breakup time.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 7
Taking the wrong lesson from Dating and Love (a lighthearted misinterpretation)
Posted: 1/12/2011 1:38:04 PM

So, in conclusion, the lesson I am to take from my experiences is that I should stop looking at the inside, because then I will get hurt. I should clearly be a shallow, superficial cad! If I like the inner-person afterward, well, that's gravy!

I think that it's more simple than that. The less attracted you were physically, the more they were to you and therefore the more dramatic the breakup (for them).
 colt8301
Joined: 10/25/2006
Msg: 8
Taking the wrong lesson from Dating and Love (a lighthearted misinterpretation)
Posted: 1/12/2011 1:54:33 PM

The odd pattern is that the smooth (not necessarily graceful or considerate, just relatively smooth) break-offs always happened with women who definitely appealed to my physical preferences.

The horrific ones happened with those whom I looked beyond the surface, for the inner-beauty, for their inner-self. Not to say that they were unattractive, mind you, just that they weren't physically on the top of my list as being my type.





you know what I take back what said, it was early and I was in a rush to get to work.

This really does not have anything to do with looks, and more about whose "secure". If a person whther they are attractive or considered attractive is secure with themselves then they will probably react real "cool"

A person not secure with things will act the opposite. There are some real insecure good looking folks out there too.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 9
Taking the wrong lesson from Dating and Love (a lighthearted misinterpretation)
Posted: 1/12/2011 4:39:13 PM
IDK, to me this discussing of people as though a pair-bond partner was something easily replaced if you had the wherewithal(good looks,smooth personality) seems sort of, well-COLD, I guess. People are people, not toys, tools, vehicles,possessions.
If you are sitting at your desk with a freaking "pros & cons" chart to decide whether you become involved with someone, that seems CALCULATING. Do not misunderstand me, backing away from an interesting/attracting person because they show signs of being a disaster looking for someone to happen to, that's not calculation, that's wisdom.
As for trees and fruits and flowers, it's been my experience that those way up at the top of the tree may be good, or they may suffer from TOO MUCH exposure to the sun...those near, but not at the top, are often the ones that will keep/hold their bloom longer. The ones that are on the ground under the tree, who knows? Did they fall from the top, middle, or bottom branches of the tree.
The other question that comes to mind is- wth are we talking about people like they were fruit or flowers???
People who are exceptionally physically attractive may tend to have a certain type of security...as long as their looks hold up. But true security is about so much more than just looks. If people with supposed "inner beauty" handle a breakup with less aplomb than the outer beauty crowd, maybe it's because they've bought the cultural construct that you are a less valid human being unless you are paired up,and since their beauty is "inner", they may not be as able to quickly "replace" that pair-bond. Sometimes what needs to happen is that these inner-beauty people need to defy the common social attitude that "unpartnered=less valid/possibly defective" and become secure in their own validity. In a culture that places so much value on looks and judges so much on ones' pair-bond status, acquiring that level of emotional security is a PROJECT!
Cindy O
 WaywardWynde
Joined: 5/19/2007
Msg: 10
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Taking the wrong lesson from Dating and Love (a lighthearted misinterpretation)
Posted: 1/12/2011 5:21:10 PM

In a culture that places so much value on looks ...


It has always been that in all cultures for all time. Good looks are Mother Nature's way of insuring "Breeding of the fittest," the breeding of offspring more likely to survive until the next breeding generation.

Mother Nature listens to no one's screaming and yelling, twisting and shouting, holding one's breath until blue in the face, throwing of hissy fits, bashing of one's head into a brick wall, or complaining about how unfair life is that all the pretty/handsome ones get all the dates.

Mother Nature WANTS the pretty/handsome ones to get the dates, breed the children. THAT is why humans have grown from a million to nearly seven billion dominating the world in only about ten thousand years.

Yet .... keep in mind ..... that the urge to procreate is extremely strong. Pretty/handsome is a matter of millimeters. A matter of a millimeter short here and a millimeter long there is not a 999999% showstopper.

Still, people (women AND men) tend to "fall in love" with someone they find attractive.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 11
Taking the wrong lesson from Dating and Love (a lighthearted misinterpretation)
Posted: 1/12/2011 5:41:20 PM

It has always been that in all cultures for all time. Good looks are Mother Nature's way of insuring "Breeding of the fittest," the breeding of offspring more likely to survive until the next breeding generation.

Well, I don't know about that, either. I see lots of plain, short, overweight, people who manage to find a pair-bond and produce offspring. And different cultures have different standards of 'good looks'.
Besides, the topic was about the OP's experiences that a breakup with a conventionally 'attractive' person generally was not so much fire and brimstone, recriminations and tears as was a breakup with a person who was not so much conventionally attractive but of attractive character/personality. It wasn't about anybody twisting or screaming or having hissy fits about the seeming unfairness of Adventures in Modern Dating,it was about the OP's observations and experiences based on dating Mother Nature's 1st choices as opposed to dating her 2nd choices. Being as how these 2nd choice women may have had to develop other resources, I would think that they might be a BETTER partner for the long haul, it ain't just about breeding, it's about nurturing the offspring,which in humans takes about 20 yrs per individual to accomplish.
Cindy O
 NotElvisJunior
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 12
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Taking the wrong lesson from Dating and Love (a lighthearted misinterpretation)
Posted: 1/12/2011 8:44:53 PM
To be honest, the "tough" breakups weren't "tough for them and not me."

Of the two that come to mind, one was where the woman did NOT want to break it off, but was trying to manipulate some sort of weird leverage in the relationship, so used the breakup as a bluff.

She didn't expect that it would result in a breakup. Oops.

The second one that comes to mind was someone *I* had fallen in love with. But, alas, the situation turned out to be something akin to being in a madhouse.

Still, it seems that people are taking this a bit more seriously than I'd intended. The post was meant for a laugh or two - re-read the subject line, after all...

In fact, it was taken so much the wrong way by at least one person that they submitted this for deletion - TROLLING - of all things!

Not to say that the, oh, for lack of a better term, "hotter chicks" that dumped me didn't sometimes do me wrong, but they didn't attempt to run me through the wringer in the process.

In any case, I *know* that it's most likely just a coincidence that it happened that way. But it does, on the surface, look like what I'd posted in my first post in this thread was true. Spurious correlation, though. But interesting, and, yeah, I think funny, nonetheless.

Maybe I'm just easily amused...
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