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 Max Schnell
Joined: 10/11/2010
Msg: 2
First meet, am I being unrealistic?Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Yes you are being a drama queen.
If he likes her better, then you should be a big girl about it and wish him well.
But if he likes you better, he likes you better. WTF, that's a "consolation prize" to you?
Why not be confident (very attractive) instead of imagining the worst outcome in every scenario (very unattractive)??
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 5
First meet, am I being unrealistic?
Posted: 1/13/2011 6:58:36 PM
It's a little late, but when that sort of thing came up, I solved that problem in advance. Since I wasn't going to consider a relationship with a woman who was dating several guys at once, if a woman had already committed herself to meeting anyone else, I said, ``Meet me last,'' and kept on talking to whomever else I was talking to and planning to meet. That way, if she wanted to date one of the other guys she had already promised to meet, and just never meet me, fine. If she didn't want to date any of the guys she promised to meet and I hadn't changed my mind for some reason, then we'd meet.

1) I'm the gal that gets tossed to the curb because he likes her better or,

Everyone is the guy or girl that gets kicked to the curb because someone we're interested in likes someone else better, so that shouldn't be a big deal. It happens.

2) I'm the consolation prize because the other meet didn't go as well as he hoped.

You're speculating here. He's meeting someone he promised to meet. You have no idea what he is hoping for. He might be hoping the girl he's meeting will not make choosing you a difficult choice. He might be hoping the other girl is Miss Chemistry in the Van Halen ``Hot for Teacher'' video. He might be hoping he can date both of you, possibly even at the same time and that you and the other girl hit it off and jump him. Who knows?
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 6
First meet, am I being unrealistic?
Posted: 1/13/2011 7:01:47 PM

I do believe that there is more than one person out there that is right for me but if I don't take the time to recognize him when he's sitting in front of me, then chances are, I will never meet him.
I can't help but feel that if he follows through with the meet, then I become one of two things...
1) I'm the gal that gets tossed to the curb because he likes her better or,
2) I'm the consolation prize because the other meet didn't go as well as he hoped.
So that's it. Am I being a 'drama queen'?


I wouldnt look at things this way. He is always going to meet new females, and if he likes you best, it wont matter. You are putting a very negative spin on this.

You also may meet, at any time, someone you become more interested in...until you are in an committed relationship,this is always a possibility for both parties -and thats just the risk we ALL take when reaching out and meeting new people.
 StarshipNarrator
Joined: 6/30/2010
Msg: 8
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First meet, am I being unrealistic?
Posted: 1/13/2011 7:06:35 PM

1) I'm the gal that gets tossed to the curb because he likes her better or,
2) I'm the consolation prize because the other meet didn't go as well as he hoped.
So that's it. Am I being a 'drama queen'?


1) So what. If it happens to you then you get a taste of your own medicine of the exact same thing you did to the less interesting guy. It wasn't necessarily wrong that you did that but you'll know what that's like. The worst thing that happens is that you stop talking and find someone else who is surprisingly more suited for you. It can happen.

2) Realize that your assumption there is a double-edged sword. While he may view you as inadequate compared to the other person he could actually be proven wrong. That's what actually seeing what someone is about is called. I'm not sure how many people actually care to move beyond first impressions these days though. Maybe it's about 2.

You are not a drama queen because you have not created any drama with him at all. You ARE jumping to conclusions though which is actually a bit understandable considering another girl is involved.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 9
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First meet, am I being unrealistic?
Posted: 1/13/2011 7:16:38 PM
You're still married. You've got one guy you are ready to cut loose. You've had several first meets now you're ready to take the plunge with this new guy.
Take a deep breath and realize the whole 'human race' thing is just an expression.
Any thinking man will not want to jump into a relationship with you until you close that last door permanently. Be honest with yourself and slow down a bit, it takes time to forge something real . Don't go out looking for a trainwreck.
 NotElvisJunior
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 12
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First meet, am I being unrealistic?
Posted: 1/13/2011 7:52:27 PM
som1spcl wrote:

PS. I told him that I didn't think there was a right or wrong answer for this.


Good. Because there isn't. Ok, I probably lean toward his answer, but that's my thinking. I can sort of understand both.

You've got the jitters because you really like this guy. But, even though you've canceled on the other guy because you really think you want to pursue it with this guy, look at the "cancel/don't cancel on the next person" from the other side of the coin.

From the guy's point of view, this other girl may really click with him much more than you. From YOUR point of view, the guy you chose now to cancel on might've made a connection with you even moreso than this guy did.

Or, for either or both, it could be less. You really just don't know.

It's a tough call to make. But like I said, I lean toward what the guy chose to do because 1) It DOES seem kind of rude to me to bail, and 2) Honestly, in dating, we're looking for the right one.

Granted, #2 can be taken to a neurotic extreme (NEVER choosing anyone because with over 3 billion people of the opposite sex, SURELY there's one even MORE ideally suited to me just around the corner, etc etc)... but I digress...

Where was I going with this?

Oh, right. Just relax. It'll either work, or it won't.
 CMonster
Joined: 12/4/2004
Msg: 16
First meet, am I being unrealistic?
Posted: 1/13/2011 8:20:12 PM
The same scenario was playing out with me except for one difference. I had already decided to cut the other guy loose. Not because of lack of interest but because of my interest in the guy I had just met.

I'd guess that this is the most common way that this type of situation plays out. It's the topic of all those "The date went great and the *poof*, s/he disappears from the face of the Earth" threads. Someone actually telling you that they are meeting different people seems to throw a monkey-wrench in our expectations, doesn't it? But deep down, don't we all realize that everyone participating in this online experiment is shopping around? If not, shouldn't they?

Are you being unrealistic or acting like a drama queen? I bet that you already know the answer.
 CMonster
Joined: 12/4/2004
Msg: 18
First meet, am I being unrealistic?
Posted: 1/13/2011 9:24:20 PM

Well CMonster, i suppose if I was to be brutally honest with myself...my ego may be bruised a wee bit.

I bet you'll survive.
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 19
First meet, am I being unrealistic?
Posted: 1/13/2011 9:59:20 PM
I don't think he is as into you, as you are him.
If he was, he would cut the other person loose same as you would.
That's not old school or new school.
Just attraction.

However, it's just a first meet.
Let em meet others same as you should.

If he can't find anyone better, you're in.
If you do, his loss.
LOL

But yeah, definitely keep looking.
Cus he is.
 english lass
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 21
First meet, am I being unrealistic?
Posted: 1/14/2011 12:29:21 AM

Take a deep breath and realize the whole 'human race' thing is just an expression.


I liked that, Carolann! Thanks for the early morning chuckle :D

and btw. I agree with you
 Max Schnell
Joined: 10/11/2010
Msg: 23
First meet, am I being unrealistic?
Posted: 1/14/2011 3:05:03 AM
^^^This is a first meet, so I dispute the relevance of your "priority" model.

OP, let me elaborate on my previous post. The guy was being very forthright with you in saying that he already had a previous obligation to meet this other person while you to were in the midst of discusing date #2. You know he didn't have to do that, right? Yes you do! As a matter of fact, if he were less certain of his interest in you, I doubt he'd be so open with you about the plans that he had already made before you met. So I don't see why "you can't help it" that you perceive this as a potential problem one way or the other. I'm scratching my head here.

Honesty: +1
Integrity: +1
Definitely interested in seeing you again: +1

Am I being unrealistically optimistic?
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 24
First meet, am I being unrealistic?
Posted: 1/14/2011 3:40:01 AM

"If you are just an option, he should not be a priority. If you are not a priority, he should not be an option."


It was ONE date FFS!!!!! Enough of the generic ca ca ra ra lines.

Though I am not one to date more than one at a time,(I get wayyyyyy toooooo confused!!! ) and don't enjoy the candy store mentality,but, I don't think that is the case here. And even if it was, the OP's "date" told her directly that he had set up someting else on the Saturday night. The OP may "think" that her date is Prince Charming, while he himself, may not jump to conclusions as quickly as the OP.

Surprisingly, that's what some people date more than just one. Now, I can see this discussion coming up if the OP and the man where dating for a longer than a hour or two, but come kidlets, lets gain some perspective here. With that, lets throw some reality into the mix too.

OP, if you actually do feel so strongly about this, phone the guy and tell him NOW. Stand up for what you "think" and express it. As Pirate stated, it WILL save both of you a lot of headaches, and time. That is what you are worried about her, isn't it???? Time?????
 Pingshooter
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 25
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First meet, am I being unrealistic?
Posted: 1/14/2011 3:49:49 AM
Here are some things you need to think about;

Are you on the rebound..since you are separated?
Are you looking for someone for the rest of your life, or just for now, while you end your current relationship?

Give the man some credit, because he is at least honest and up front with you.
If he lied, how would you feel?

Life is not a bed of roses, or a storybook script. We all would love to have it like that, but it doesn't work out that way.

If this man decided on you, after dating this other woman, are you going to hold this instance against him, feeling like the consolation prize all the time? If so..your relationship with him is doomed now.
 southaustingal
Joined: 11/2/2008
Msg: 27
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First meet, am I being unrealistic?
Posted: 1/14/2011 6:19:23 AM
Ah, the age old question of exclusivity on one date versus the multiple dater.
I have been one of those women who some guy canceled on at the last minute because he had met “the one” the night before only to see him back on POF about a month later. I can tell you that no matter how good a first date is I am not interested in someone who will be "exclusive" based on one meeting. To me, it shows a lack of emotional maturity because I think finding out if someone is right for you takes time.

I think you need to take a deep breath and learn from this. First, he is being honest with you when all he has to say is he is busy. I think this shows a lot of character. Second, I think him keeping the date is not only the polite thing to do but also very wise. He has had ONE date with you and that is not enough to determine long term potential. I know others feel differently but I see nothing wrong with him continuing to get to know you and also seeing others. Hopefully you will keep moving to the top of his list in comparison to others so that you will both know that the two of you really have something special. If not, then as everyone is saying, wish him well because you don’t want someone who isn’t totally into you and best to learn that early on.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 28
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First meet, am I being unrealistic?
Posted: 1/14/2011 6:47:20 AM

I would think you must know that like divorce, not all separations are equal.


Agreed, my divorce was not completely final when I first met my BF. I got the paper 4 weeks later, but I was definitely classified as separated at the time we met. And even though there was zero chance of the Ex and I ever reconciling many people regarded me as casual dating material until I was free of all ties to my marriage. And I cannot blame them for doing so.
Many people don't heal for years after a divorce while others like me felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders the very day I made the decision to walk away. I was ready to go out and date, no looking back.
My point being, that before YOU decide someone is a match look at it from their point of view. You are not 100% free to go the distance at this point. So it would be premature at best for a man to consider you his 'mate' at this stage. Keep your options open because to many people the piece of paper is the difference between whether they put their heart into it or not. It is obvious he has every intention of keeping HIS options open.
 JRodriguez81
Joined: 2/24/2010
Msg: 29
First meet, am I being unrealistic?
Posted: 1/14/2011 7:32:06 AM
I think it was pretty big of the guy to even bother telling her the truth about why he was busy on that saturday....


Or am I crazy?
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 30
First meet, am I being unrealistic?
Posted: 1/14/2011 7:40:38 AM
I can tell you that no matter how good a first date is I am not interested in someone who will be "exclusive" based on one meeting. To me, it shows a lack of emotional maturity because I think finding out if someone is right for you takes time.

I disagree. My rules on mutiple dating and dating exclusively from the start were that dating women who were multiple daters was strictly about sex and by default, excluded any possibility of committment. The possibility for a committed relationship meant dating exclusively from the start. As of today, my fiancee and I have been together 1 year and 8 months and this relationship is the second longest I've ever had and it's the only relationship I've had in which I've gotten as far as buying an engagement ring.

When I met her, I was still talking to several other women I would have very much liked to meet had I not my fiancee, but I do not regret passing them by nor do I have any doubt I made the right choice. At 47, I know what I want, I was willing to take a chance and see how a relationship went if I saw a lot of potential, because I'm going to know long before I've spent much time with a woman, and I have no ``candy store'' mentality that causes confusion when I find what I'm looking for. I also had no trouble finding lots of women who preferred knowing what I was about up front istead of having to figure it out after winding up in the sack.

It may take YOU a lot of time to figure all that out, but for purposes of a relationship, I wanted a woman who knew what she wanted and was self-confident and decisive enough to make a decision to take the risk to get it, when she saw the potential. Different dating styles reflect different personalities and different goals. My dating expectations reflected the goals and personalities of women who would appeal to me (which in my case, included women with two distinctly different goals I found acceptable for what each offered).

What I think shows a lack of maturity is dating aimlessly for lack of having a clear idea ofwhat you want and having no criteria for knowing where there's potential other than juggling lots of people at the same time and seeing who's left.


So it would be premature at best for a man to consider you his 'mate' at this stage.

Yes, that would be premature. But, if they both are looking for a mate, it isn't premature to just run with the idea and see where it goes.
 matchlight
Joined: 1/31/2009
Msg: 32
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First meet, am I being unrealistic?
Posted: 1/14/2011 8:25:31 AM
If this guy knew he was meeting someone else Saturday--especially when he intends to go through with it--he wouldn't have asked you out for that same night. So when you say you discussed getting together then, it must mean that you suggested it. And he hesitated.

It's strange that after he'd had time to think about how to put it, he would tell you exactly why he'd hesitated. He went out of his way to let you know another girl was involved. Not very considerate, IMO--why not have just let your imagination fill in the blanks? He could just have said he'd forgotten he already had something going that Saturday that he couldn't get out of, but that he'd still like to see you--and then suggested another time.

These are just first meetings. It seems to me you are being awfully dramatic about the whole thing. If you don't want to go through with your other meeting, and there's a day or two, then tell that guy you can't make it. But you seem to be letting yourself get played here by seeming overanxious.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 33
First meet, am I being unrealistic?
Posted: 1/14/2011 8:36:47 AM
After a few dates I would then hope the person I was seeing would feel this way, if not, then he would not be the guy for me.

Exactly. It doesn't take long to figure out what's what and exclusivity from the start eliminaates all the awkward, ``Are you sleeping with anyone else,'' conversations that multiple daters consider no one else's business until after another awkward conversation about exclusivity. I didn't want to find out I'd been dating someone who was sleeping with several other guys up until we'd decided we wanted to date exclusively. That would have been a very short exclusive relationship.
 DrummingNut
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 35
First meet, am I being unrealistic?
Posted: 1/14/2011 11:45:25 AM

Give the man some credit, because he is at least honest and up front with you.
If he lied, how would you feel?
Well... lol.. for all we know, his "I'm talking to someone else too and already have another meet set up for Saturday" could be a lie.
Could just be his way of letting her down off the hook.
We don't know.
I mean heck, how many times has "I already have plans" been what someone says to get out of saying "no, I don't want to go out with you".

Anyway, whatever.
Fact remains he's not wanting to see you this weekend.
So just wait and see what happens next, I guess.
 karma1160
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 38
First meet, am I being unrealistic?
Posted: 1/14/2011 10:19:20 PM
While I am probably not the person to answer this question, because I have been on the other end of this scenario, but this is how I feel about it.
I think that people should be free to explore their options, personally if I was talking to someone for a long time on here and someone else just happened to pop in the situation I would be feeling pretty lost.
You know he started something that wasn't finished, it will always be something that was never resolved or finished. If I was in your shoes I would want to know that it was
finished.
The fact of the matter is he feels quilty because he invested his time into the other person, and maybe that is a good thing, because it shows that he is capable of seeing the predicament he got himself into.
Regardless if he feels quilty or not, the fact is he has been responding and investing time in both of you.
TAKE IT SLOW
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 39
First meet, am I being unrealistic?
Posted: 1/15/2011 3:09:44 AM
Count me in among those who like his honesty. He could easily have said simply that he was busy that night, but there's nothing wrong with being up-front either - and I like it that he's letting you know clearly, albeit very gently, that nothing is settled in his mind after just one date. That's realistic and reasonable. You said you wanted integrity - well, it looks like you may have got it! And forthrightness as well, a lovely and rare quality. Sometimes unwelcome in its expression, to be sure... but worthwhile IMO for all that.

Now let's just hope his date tomorrow proves unacceptable in some way that isn't terrible for her or him, but great for you and him! Maybe they just plain won't like each other much, there's no telling yet. If not, that doesn't make you a "consolation prize" (while it's unfortunate that you said that aloud, I understand the feeling!).

However it winds up, at the very least, you will know you met someone honorable and open, who keeps his commitments. That alone is entirely worthwhile, in my view.
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 40
First meet, am I being unrealistic?
Posted: 1/15/2011 5:09:18 AM
^^ You're not old. Beautiful, and possibly wise - who can say, really? - but not old. Not yet. Here's hoping you do grow to be old. And maybe, maybe, still interested then, in matters such as these. Certainly you will always be beautiful. And, apparently, kind, as well.

Anyway, nicely said on your part. I don't know that I agree, but you certainly went out of your way to be caring and thoughtful in your advice. No one could ask for more than that.
 Fifi47
Joined: 8/19/2004
Msg: 43
First meet, am I being unrealistic?
Posted: 1/15/2011 7:11:39 AM
I would probably leave him alone. I agree with Abelian (this never happens ), in that I would love to meet someone and both of us remove our profiles and date each other exclusively until we find out that we are not a good match. Lots of people complain about never meeting the right one, but they continue to date a lot of people at one time, how do they get to know one person when their minds are probably confused with facts about everyone?
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 45
First meet, am I being unrealistic?
Posted: 1/15/2011 8:26:35 AM
One of the biggest problem I see with pof, is that some people continue to look for bigger & better fish & never leave the pond. I don't want to be that person & yes I know that because I might connect with someone at a first meet it doesn't mean that he is necessarily 'the one' but I think focusing on one person that there is a mutual attraction with isn't a bad thing either.

One thing I figured out quickly was that if you want to meet people who have a mindset similar to your own and you want to know that everyone's on the same page about what dating means, you need to spell it out before you ever meet, preferrably in your profile. People on the forums have said my expectations were a little strange, but when it came to actually meeting people and dating, I found lots of women who expected the same thing and it worked for me. I was never confused about what was going on with someone I met, unlike the people who start the zillions of threads here about that very thing, so I disagree with any notion that one should just hang loose and leave things to fate or whimsy.

In real life, I've never had to deal with women wanting to date other guys and it was always clear that dating was exclusive from the start without having to say anything, by virtue of the situation and knowing the person. Here, you have to spell that sort of expectation out if that's what you're used to. Despite protestations to the contrary, people have sex fairly quickly. You may not, but the guys you meet (or gals for the guys) probably are if you aren't the only person they're dating. If that bothers you, you need to straighten that out up front, not cut people slack, accept what you get and get over it.

Tell people who you are and what you want in your profile and you'll attract the right people. By that, I don't mean telling people you like skiing and you're looking for an honest guy with a big heart or whatever. I mean put some thought into writing something that's interesting to read, gives people a sense of who you are by how you write and skip the cliche bullshit. Make sure the people you meet are clear about what you expect if there's going to be a second date before you ever get to the first.

I didn't have a grass is greener mentality and I made it clear that I wasn't insterested in a relationship with one of those people because I forced women to be decisive and date me on my terms. My terms also seemed to terms lots of women expected, but perhaps were hesitant to state in their profiles. Just because other people feel helpless in getting any assurance about what's going on with people they meet and date when dating online, doesn't mean you have to settle for being at the mercy and whims of anyone who wants to meet you or date you.
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