|Feeling intimidated?Page 1 of 1 |
|I can only second what our Canadian friend has said. It's his issue, not yours.|
Having been on the receiving end of this myself, I used to feel that it was up to me to make the guy more comfortable and make him feel better about himself, and what have you. But, I've learned to just let those guys go. It's just another aspect of not being compatible. I can't dance around on eggshells hoping that nothing I do or say will intimidate the fragile male ego. I want a man who is secure enough in himself to delight in my intelligence and accomplishments rather than be afraid of them.
Posted: 2/9/2011 4:54:30 PM
|the ironic thing is, the best way to get over a feeling of inadequacy around PhDs is to date a few. which i suppose is the relationship equivalent of your 'pushing through' your fear.|
Posted: 2/9/2011 4:56:40 PM
I am just wondering if guys could enlighten me to the male perspective of intimidation. If you have not felt this and know of someone who has, what did they do to get over it?
He may be trying to ask you to show your appreciation to him in different ways than just as "friend"..
You may be the first "Dr candidate" he has known, so he may be conferring all his preconceived stereotypes onto you for now..
How about taking him bowling or to the tennis court? When you are with him don't constantly remind him that you are going to be a "Dr"..
Take him to some Mensa parties and he may see a broader range of smart people who aren't intimidating to their peers at all...
Posted: 2/9/2011 4:58:57 PM
|OPie...all you can do, as the occassion arises , is to try and ease his fears and anxieties...if over time this works...great...if not...I so sorry.|
Posted: 2/9/2011 5:05:01 PM
|What I think you need to consider is the reason you're pursuing your doctorate, or working towards any goal you've set for yourself.|
It's for fulfillment of your higher level needs, self actualization, according to Maslow. You're doing this for yourself.......not for the purpose of intimidating men or anyone else. The thought of that is, well, ludicrous. Or to "prove" something to anyone else, and I am assuming, granted, but it just wouldn't make sense.
There are people who DO things for the purpose of proving something to intimdate others, and trust me, those people are actually extremely insecure.
It's just a fact, that while being accepted is a basic human need, there is noone ever, where everyone they meet likes them. I'm speaking in very general terms, OP, this is not directed at you personally at all.
But when someone encounter another person who is "intimidated" by something another person is doing, that is not for the purpose of intimidation, then it's about them. It's a sign of a lack of self esteem.
I enjoy meeting people who've reached the goals they've set, or are working towards them. Why anyone with any lick of sense, or any shred of self esteem would be "intimidated" by someone else working towards an admirable goal...well I just don't get that.
I want to say to YOU, OP...way to go! I admire you, and I'd say nothing less than 100% encouragement, and I hope you have people who are your cheerleaders. If you ever need a kind word, or some personal cheerleading, feel free to write me, I'm in your corner. Don't EVER let anyone else affect you working towards your goals.
"is to try and ease his fears and anxieties" With all due respect, that is patently wrong on all fronts. What is he afraid of? Is she going to beat him up with her graduation certificate? Really now, if he has anxieties, it isn't because of her. If that really is true, then he was fearful and anxious before.
What is most often the case, when someone (incorrectly toss out the word "inimidation", I've had it happen to me...imagine...haha) what they're really saying doesn't having anything to do with ME, they just don't feel good about themselves.
They just don't say it, because they haven't acknowledged it, if they know it then they're too embarrassed to admit it. Much easier to load their insecurities on someone else.
It's bunk, unless your vocation is "fixing" people...
Posted: 2/9/2011 5:05:14 PM
|Who's bringing up the dating question anyway?|
If you're asking him whether he'd date you, he's probably trying to put it to you gently that he's not that into you and this reason gives him a fairly easy out.
If he's bringing it up, he might be beating around the bush and trying to see if you're open to the suggestion or not before deciding if he wants to pursue it further.
As for the intimidation factor: It's not solely about intimidation, it's a dynamic of intimidation vs interest. From what he's said it sounds like his interest isn't enough to overcome his intimidation. If he was more interested he'd be less intimidated.
Posted: 2/9/2011 5:23:25 PM
|"Who's bringing up the dating question anyway?"|
Good point, and only speaking personally, if it were a friend of mine, I'd be encouraging and supporting. I understand about interest, again, though, it wouldn't be about intimdation, so maybe it's a guess that he's throwing out so he doesn't have to say he's not interested.
I get the honesty "thing" and I word it that way because while so many ask, plead, beg of their quest for honesty, it's often not that welcome.
I think many people are just afraid of losing whatever connection they have with someone, at the "fault" of being honest. It's too bad, but a fact.
I know for me, if I "lose" a friendship, or any type of relationship because I was honest (some say to a fault???? how's that) then it's a red flag as to the meaning of that connection. IE, I don't feel it's a loss.
Posted: 2/9/2011 5:24:50 PM
All good answers above if that is really what's bothering him.
But with some guys you can't be sure if he's being honest,
or just nice.
Could be he's not that into you and using that reason as an excuse.
I could be wrong.
and hope so.
But that's an angle no one else has brought up.
If he is being honest, there is an easy fix.
Just do normal stuff with him.
cook for him, play Xbox, whatever his interests are.
and he'll get over it.
Posted: 2/9/2011 5:32:54 PM
|I think the fellow is feeling insecure with his educational level, versus yours. |
He may feel he won't be able to carry a conversation, thinking you are to educated.
He may feel like he is just plain folk, and you are educated elite...?
That is my perspective, since you said he is intimidated with you pursuing your doctorate.
Posted: 2/9/2011 5:35:40 PM
he seriously doubts that he could date me because he is intimidated by the fact I am pursuing my doctorate
I'm not surprised he feels this way as, that shows a sense of achievement that he obviously does not have in his line of work, yes? So you persuing your doctorate dregree might put him uneasy when he (amd others) compare the two of you.
they are not responsible for the other person's insecurities?
We are all 100% responsible for what we do! In any given situation, we need to look at OUR 100% that lead us to where we ended up. In this situation, if he feels uneasy of what you are striving to obtain, guess who's problem that is?