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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > I have preferences, but YOU'RE superficial.      Home login  
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 NotElvisJunior
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 1
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I have preferences, but YOU'RE superficial.Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Ok, this is something I've often joked about with friends.

I'm actually vaguely getting the impression I might've posted something to a message board on it. I'm hoping not THIS one because I'll really feel like senility is hitting me if I've repeated myself.


Anyway, in the course of dating online and such, I've come across women (and I'm sure guys do this, too, but as I'm a straight male, I can't say with authority) who state that they're looking for a guy who is not just out for surface beauty, who is not just superficial, etc.

I've on the other hand come across profiles where a woman states that they're looking for tall, or good looking, or . . etc etc basically stating what they want in terms of (way?) above average looks and/or attributes.

Nothing particularly wrong with either of those except that:

1) In the case of the latter, well, while women accuse men of being superficial jerks, are they also accusing the women whose profiles I mention in my "on the other hand" paragraph ALSO of being superficial jerks

AND

2) Sometimes . . maybe more than sometimes, the two things I've observed above about women's profiles exist IN THE SAME PROFILE (though maybe with a bit more subtlety than I've described.


Like I said, I'm sure guys do it, too. I'd *suspect* guys do it less because, well, let's be honest, there's a rather notable tendency for automatic assumption of the superficial-jerk-ness of guys. It's almost treated as a de facto truth.


So, having in my past been a Sociology major, and Anthropology major, etc., I found this intriguing. Being both in my past and present a part-time wise-@ss, I've found it intriguing AND humorous.


Ergo, my conclusion is my subject line . . . . the prevailing attitude is "When YOU do it YOU'RE being a superficial jerk. When I do it, I'm simply stating my personal preferences, and there's nothing wrong with that."


Thoughts? Observations? Opinions? Agreements? Disagreements? Dissertations?
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 2
I have preferences, but YOU'RE superficial.
Posted: 2/15/2011 5:35:28 PM
No argument from me. I like what I like, and I respect what others like too - even if it's not me. I think most who yell "superficial" at the opposite sex tend to do it out of feeling personally wronged or affronted - and if they didn't take it personally, they'd agree that people go with what works for them.

You have to make peace with the fact that you're just not going to be everyone's cup of tea, mostly.

I tend not to like a guy who's not nuts about me (assuming I'm attracted to him, that is) and I only tend to date when it's convenient for me, so when it's not mutual I take it as a mismatch - there are tons of them every day, so it's not something I should be shocked by or feel there's any loss over.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 3
I have preferences, but YOU'RE superficial.
Posted: 2/15/2011 5:46:48 PM

So, having in my past been a Sociology major, and Anthropology major, etc., I found this intriguing.


You studied that much and you actually find THIS "intriguing"????? Seriously, there are a lot more intriguing and interesting things in this world than discovering people say what they say and do what they do. It's not rocket science.

Honestly.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 5
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I have preferences, but YOU'RE superficial.
Posted: 2/15/2011 5:50:50 PM
I think it's more like:

"YOU'RE Picky. I'M 'Selective.'"
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 7
I have preferences, but YOU'RE superficial.
Posted: 2/15/2011 6:04:03 PM
If a person you want to date wants an attribute you don't have, then the attribute is superficial and along the same lines of reasononing, nothing you want in a person is superficial.
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 8
I have preferences, but YOU'RE superficial.
Posted: 2/15/2011 6:05:24 PM
OP- don't over think things with women.

the only real difference between men and women IMO, when it comes to wanting a hot guy/girl is this:

a guy can get into a woman's ear and in her mind. he does NOT have to be her prototypical preference...

all a guy really has to do, is to get a woman to ""feel"" something for him.

Once a girl gets to feeling something for a guy- he's in like Flynn...even if he is a leprecaun...
 NotElvisJunior
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 9
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I have preferences, but YOU'RE superficial.
Posted: 2/15/2011 6:08:21 PM
IgorFrankensteen wrote:

I think it's more like:

"YOU'RE Picky. I'M 'Selective.'"


That is because you're a far more concise writer than I am (ok, so among my majors was English, which taught me to write, but couldn't cure me of long-windedness).

As to other posts, hey, I'll admit that I find humor in some of the blatantly counterproductive things we humans do. Or the particularly self-defeating. Or something like that...


EDIT: Whoa, this was marked for potential deletion already? Hrm, not the first time this has happened with my recent posts. SOMEbody's got a thin skin! Or doesn't like me. Or finds my sense of humor baffling/incomprehensible (ok, the latter, I can sort of understand... but I like to think of myself as ever-so-slightly eccentric)

But Jeez Louise . . what cardinal rule did someone think I'd broken here?!
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 10
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I have preferences, but YOU'RE superficial.
Posted: 2/15/2011 6:08:46 PM
as long as we're talking contradictions, i liked this one from a gal determined to give no credit for reading her profile narrative:

Typically if you got this far, this section here doesn't even matter.....it means that somehow you already like my pictures... (or not)
 forumfishie
Joined: 9/17/2009
Msg: 11
I have preferences, but YOU'RE superficial.
Posted: 2/15/2011 6:09:34 PM
"So, having in my past been a Sociology major, and Anthropology major, etc"

So that was money well spent!
All those years studying human behavior and you still have no idea why humans act the way they do?

Your parents must be do proud

OP people want what they want, regardless of what they have to offer

George Constanza wants to date only wealthy women who have long lustrous hair

People who post inane daily threads
will cririzice YOURS for being "nothing new"

That's the way people are
Nothing you can do but date someone
who thinks you are "it"
 Paddy_o_Lantern
Joined: 12/9/2009
Msg: 12
I have preferences, but YOU'RE superficial.
Posted: 2/15/2011 6:09:57 PM
OP you just have to get used to the idea that in many respects there is one set of rules for women and another for men we are not the same and likely will never be. Sometimes this is good and other times not so good if we were looking for someone more like ourselves we would not be hetero... vive la différence
 NotElvisJunior
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 13
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I have preferences, but YOU'RE superficial.
Posted: 2/15/2011 6:17:50 PM
forumfishie wrote:

So that was money well spent!
All those years studying human behavior and you still have no idea why humans act the way they do?


Nope. We studied WHAT they do, and why when there was a direct reason ("I'm hungry" or "I want to get out of the rain") but not why when they do things that are incomprehensible!

But, yep, it was a fun diversion. Along with English, pre-Med, Computer Science, Philosophy, and Theater. Maybe a few others. I was *really* indecisive in college.


That's the way people are
Nothing you can do but date someone
who thinks you are "it"


Yeah, but I still wonder WHY people are so self-defeating at times.

On the other hand, as I'm currently with the one who I think is "it" and who also seems to think I'm "it" (quirks and all), I think I'm good!


Paddy_o_Lantern wrote:

OP you just have to get used to the idea that in many respects there is one set of rules for women and another for men we are not the same and likely will never be. Sometimes this is good and other times not so good ... vive la différence


True. In fact, my ex-wife taught me that to an extremely blatant degree (causing eyebrows to be raised by a divorce-mediation professional, a family therapist, and a family court judge, all three female, among others...)

Though I'm fairly certain that this double-standard is probably held to a greater or lesser degree by BOTH genders. I guess that makes it a quad-standard. Or maybe a zero standard.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 14
I have preferences, but YOU'RE superficial.
Posted: 2/15/2011 6:26:39 PM

Yeah, but I still wonder WHY people are so self-defeating at times.


You'll be wondering the rest of your life if you let yourself. Nothing wrong with questioning,but after awhile you'll figure out that humans by and large are not really that bright.

We use,until it's all gone. Then we move to another spot,to use again. Till it's gone. And,then,well, you can see the circle even if you didn't like or study geometry. We do it in groups. And we do it as individuals. Always have, always will, until it's all gone.
 colt8301
Joined: 10/25/2006
Msg: 15
I have preferences, but YOU'RE superficial.
Posted: 2/16/2011 3:31:41 AM

the prevailing attitude is "When YOU do it YOU'RE being a superficial jerk. When I do it, I'm simply stating my personal preferences, and there's nothing wrong with that."


Thoughts? Observations? Opinions? Agreements? Disagreements? Dissertations?


Lol, In short people can be full of s%$#.
 cookie22222
Joined: 8/4/2007
Msg: 17
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I have preferences, but YOU'RE superficial.
Posted: 2/16/2011 6:03:32 AM
OP I think it's crazy too, but people do a lot of crazy things.

I don't understand why women are so utterly destroyed when someone doesn't "like them". Personally, I've met hundreds of men in my life, who were nice, attractive, funny, charming - whatever - but I wasn't interested for whatever reason. They take it so personally, and get so offended!

I think if you find a woman who will ask a man out - you will avoid dealing with that mindset.

The only time something bothers me is if someone is MEAN about it...there's no reason for that at all.
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 18
I have preferences, but YOU'RE superficial.
Posted: 2/20/2011 7:53:10 PM
Men and women want to be seen for what they have "on the inside"; however, the same men and women prefer good-looking partners.

I can't tell you how many men have told me in initial emails that I am pretty and/or sexy, and when I tell them that they aren't, then they retort with "You are a shallow ****." So, they are allowed to approach me because they think that I am attractive but I am a shallow **** for wanting the same?

Shrug.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 19
I have preferences, but YOU'RE superficial.
Posted: 2/21/2011 3:22:20 PM
^^^I will say something similar, and it's honesty. My response is "thanks, I wish I could say the same." And it's true, I do....whether I don't find them attractive or plain don't know what they look like, I truly wish I was in the same boat.
 happybunny8
Joined: 4/16/2010
Msg: 20
I have preferences, but YOU'RE superficial.
Posted: 2/21/2011 3:34:16 PM
I want to be attracted to my mate. What person picks up the person they are least attracted to at a party?

Anyhoo. I never wrote to men who wanted something I wasn't based on how he looked. I had to like the pics and the profile and ensure that I wasn't wasting his time writing. I liked to receive the same consideration, but we all know how that works LOL.

I respect men who say what they want in their profile and stick to it. Nothing worse than going on a date and finding out he wasn't really into the stuff he wrote on his profile.

I have no issues with people who have preferences. Why does it bother you if some stranger on the internet doesn't want you?


<div class="quote">Who cares why the things are the way they are. Who cares that double standards exist. You won't be able to change them anyways so why not abide by them?

I said that when I first started on these forums. The people that whine the most on here tend to be those who won't change either. If something bothers me that much, I try to find ways in my control to change it that will make me adjust easier and be happier.

I also have always believed that most of us do certain things because we are a woman/man. Letting things go and accepting some of it makes things easier.

The majority of people need to learn how to take rejection because most do not. Instead of using it as possible learning experience or just chalking it up to nothing, it becomes some huge issue. All that from one or two dates or email rejections based on your looks or not clicking. There are worse reasons to be rejected and worse things that can happen to you.
 bcsofnc57
Joined: 11/20/2007
Msg: 22
I have preferences, but YOU'RE superficial.
Posted: 2/25/2011 1:57:15 PM
I really think you are over thinking it. I might in my mind have a fantasy of what I think a perfect man is, but it is also something that can change once I meet someone and get to know them better. Sometimes someone that seemed so far removed from what I want could after knowing them come to be exactly what I was looking for all along.
 DocElffington
Joined: 1/20/2009
Msg: 23
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I have preferences, but YOU'RE superficial.
Posted: 3/8/2011 7:18:24 PM
Double standards much?

While I was accused of being "picky", by many women, even on here. My selectivity made my woman feel extra special .

I mean, c'mon guys. How would you feel if a woman told ya that the only reason she chose you was because you're the first of a couple dozen guys that responded? But at any moment, she could receive that better message from a better guy!

I do, however, think there is a fundamental difference between men and womens' perspective. While men are often more interested in the easy catches. Women are often more interested in the not-so-easy catches. But, in both cases, when they feel snubbed because they've been deemed lacking, in meeting the others requirements. Then the object of their interest MUST be too picky!
 theforumfiend
Joined: 10/21/2007
Msg: 24
I have preferences, but YOU'RE superficial.
Posted: 3/13/2011 9:53:28 PM
Look into any of the nice guy, fat woman, don't write threads and you'll see exactly what you're referring to. Feel better now?
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 25
I have preferences, but YOU'RE superficial.
Posted: 3/15/2011 11:13:17 PM
Just one question: What the hell difference does it make? If you've been ruled out, you're out. Just exactly like when you rule someone else out, for whatever reason. The times in my life when I've overruled my gut on the question of "do I want this person in my life" -- I've been dead wrong, and they've worked very hard to make me sorry I second guessed myself. For those who ARE picky, they're their own worst enemy, and YOU can't save them. *EVERYONE* man woman child boy girl baby grandmother ax murderer has this "syndrome." Why on earth sweat it?

In my humble view, 'tis better to spend your time to seek after the ones whom you'll be able to love, and whom will be able to love you. Just takes ONE.

 magicallaroundme
Joined: 3/9/2011
Msg: 26
I have preferences, but YOU'RE superficial.
Posted: 3/16/2011 4:50:50 PM

For those who ARE picky, they're their own worst enemy, and YOU can't save them. *EVERYONE* man woman child boy girl baby grandmother ax murderer has this "syndrome." Why on earth sweat it?

In my humble view, 'tis better to spend your time to seek after the ones whom you'll be able to love, and whom will be able to love you. Just takes ONE.

That is a good thing to think and hold to in a vacuum. I like the message on the whole still with the way things are these days. You can't leave it at that in all cases.

Everybody is encouraged to go with their gut. What if somebody's irrational gut says that Wooby is a child sex pervert and intends to do something about it. In these days of anonymous hotlines and exhaustive databases, it could be a very long time before such an accusation came to light. You might be going for a new job and some Google search turns it up. What can you say then? It is just some unknown person's syndrome doesn't cut it

It may be the wrong approach to the issue but in line with the thought that giving access to hand guns to children would be irresponsible... it is equally irresponsible to give free reign to the picky because they can do so much irreversible damage not just by their own actions but also my goading others to detrimental action. It would be different if they could do no harm but they can and are spoiling to.
 JRodriguez81
Joined: 2/24/2010
Msg: 27
I have preferences, but YOU'RE superficial.
Posted: 3/16/2011 9:59:37 PM
A lot of hot air in this thread.


Can.....hardly.......breathe
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 28
I have preferences, but YOU'RE superficial.
Posted: 3/17/2011 7:49:55 AM
People want to date people that they also have an urge to kiss.

It is better to be rejected then to be lead on only to find out later that they dont want to kiss you.

That is the bottom line. Anyone who settles for someone they dont want to kiss, has the problem.

Just because we dont all find the same people kissable does not make us bad people, you cannot force attraction, or control who you will have it with.

Online is purely visual, if you cannot snag 'em with a visual, you wont get anywhere here.

If you want someone to be attracted to you for the other aspects of what you offer, then get out there and meet real people offline. That is where you can attract and entice based on how you chuckle, the the way your eyes crinkle all cute when you smile, the way your bum fits just so right in your jeans....we cannot see those things online unless you do up a really well done profile to showcase those things that can attract.

Personally, I have a few male buddies also on here, and they have horrible profiles and always complain about the lack of interest. I have told them repeatedly that based on thier profile alone, even I wouldnt contact them. I know they are good catches...but no one viewing them here would ever see that. Alot of men on here could use some work on thier pages.
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