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Joined: 1/22/2009
Msg: 1
Success in growing in love over timePage 1 of 1    
I have read many books and have learned that growing in love is very difficult, but very rewarding. I was wondering if there was anyone here who has experienced it or is experiencing it and would like to share their feelings and thoughts as to how they are accomplishing this where so many others fail.
Joined: 11/11/2009
Msg: 2
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Success in growing in love over time
Posted: 2/28/2011 12:01:37 PM
I'm not entirely sure what you are asking. I suspect what you mean refers to learning to be in love with someone that you are somehow forced to be in a relationship with, like an arranged marriage. I am sure that can happen, much as love growing in a non-forced relationship grows. All healthy relationships grow and evolve and love deepens. Initial attraction and what many call love is superficial. It's based on a feeling that occurs when you around that person. As love deepens, it becomes less about feeling and more about commitment and acceptance. I think to accomplish this, you have to look at your own character and be truthful about your strengths and weaknesses. You have to know what you want the future relationship to look like and make choices based on character traits that match that, not on how someone makes you feel in the moment. Then both parties have to be commited to the relationship and willing to withstand hardship and difficult times. You can't bail when you no longer get that euphoric feeling. It's a long term process.
Joined: 9/17/2009
Msg: 3
Success in growing in love over time
Posted: 2/28/2011 12:06:57 PM
I don't think you can learn to love someone
You might learn how to stay with someone for whatever reasons you think you have to
but over time you realize that's not a way to live
You either love someone or not

If you need an excuse to be with someone
without loving that person, why read a book?

Anybody can write a book about something
and somebody else will buy it
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 4
Success in growing in love over time
Posted: 2/28/2011 12:15:16 PM
I don't understand the question. You meet someone. You date them. You end up in a relationship amd perhaps fall in love. If you need to read a book to figure out how to do that, you're spending too much time reading about it and not enough time getting practical experience.
Joined: 12/26/2009
Msg: 5
Success in growing in love over time
Posted: 2/28/2011 12:35:53 PM
Falling in love is not a science or anything that an be learned or taught.

It happens by chance, nothing else.
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 6
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Success in growing in love over time
Posted: 2/28/2011 1:00:13 PM
I don't believe in growing in love over time, because I don't believe love is a constant "thing" rather than a label based on sexual attraction, on core belief's and on proximity. These are ever changing and always have been. I do believe after maturity we get more realistic with our expectations and honest with ourselves about what we are really want at this point in our lives and we are not as afraid to own it. I do believe if someone disgusts you, you will never be able to fall "in love" with that person. Disgust travels to too many parts of you, to undo with wishes.
Joined: 1/24/2011
Msg: 7
Success in growing in love over time
Posted: 2/28/2011 3:50:33 PM
You can kind of "wear" into each other. It that good enough?

"Anybody can write a book about something
and somebody else will buy it."
Hold that thought.
Joined: 3/29/2008
Msg: 8
Success in growing in love over time
Posted: 2/28/2011 6:09:23 PM

Seems like if you meet someone and "it" is just not there, you got the wrong person, keep fishin'.
Joined: 11/9/2010
Msg: 9
Success in growing in love over time
Posted: 2/28/2011 8:36:54 PM
You may feel attracted and love several persons but one thing to keep in perspective is to be witht he right person for the right reasons.
Love alone is not enough. A relationship is based on several things:
Trust, honesty (sometimes probably not telling some things though), treating each other with respect and consideration, doing those little things for each other,
being yourself. Pretty generic so far but if you can't have that the relationship will not be solid.
Also within that relationship there is love, friendship, sex, MAKING TIME for each other in our bus lives.
Being with someone because he / she is so cute, pretty, etc, is too shallow unless you have the important ingredient and two persons are a good match.
And last, keeping your feet on tyhe ground. The idea of happily ever after is BS, anyone believing in a prince charming is out to lunch, no one is perfect and we have to be able to live the other's imperfections, not trying to control or manipulate, we do not own our partner, and YES, it goes for the other partner too.
Love is a work never done with, it's a life long intentional commitment with two persons agreeing on goals within two shared lives, maybe more when having a family.
Oh my, that was so profound. But really this is what life teaches you.
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 10
Success in growing in love over time
Posted: 2/28/2011 9:06:42 PM
yes,growing in love once you have love is very rewarding but i think they say its difficult only because it takes a lot of time.At least for me its the time thing because I know how to love and it comes easy for me.
Some of the rewards you can expect are positive enforcement of your values, healing, happyness and uforia, respect, security and the list goes on and on.
As time passes the rewards change to a more personal note that almost feels like it was taylored and made specialy just for you.Doing things like building bridges,taking down walls and apifinys about life and children and family.
Joined: 4/9/2009
Msg: 11
Success in growing in love over time
Posted: 2/28/2011 10:55:36 PM
you CAN grow to love someone. Just because it didn't happen at first sight, doesn't mean its impossible.

All of my female friends.. i grow to love.. over time.

But i do think you have to "really like each other" first. something has to click.
Joined: 1/5/2011
Msg: 12
Success in growing in love over time
Posted: 3/1/2011 8:30:48 AM
I hope you aren't considering doing the "Russian Bride" thing OP.
Joined: 10/29/2009
Msg: 13
Success in growing in love over time
Posted: 3/1/2011 7:03:42 PM
You see someone somewhere, feel an attraction. They reciprocate. You go out, establish there is attraction and liking.

Somewhere in there you discover some chemistry is present.
The basics are there- mutual values, etc.

You spend time together. You keep liking each other. Somewhere in there you have sex and it's pretty good.
You keep going. You like each other more and more, not less and less. One day you realize you're in love.

The process can take anywhere from a day to a year, give or take a year or so for slow learners.
Joined: 1/21/2011
Msg: 14
Success in growing in love over time
Posted: 3/4/2011 7:46:53 PM
ok...the technical perception book based ;)

first period of attraction (where you hear "attraction isn't a choice) is infatuation. People will generally call this the "in-love" phase but really isn't. It's very fragile. This is where the 3 month crunch generally come in.

Second is the "in-love phase" which persists beyond infatuation. More staying power and we are largely preconditioned on a physiological basis with what often matches the weaning years. It is still a largely emotional state felt with the heart (metaphorically) As a general standard, one can expect this to last 2 years...up to 4 years if it is a secret affair. It is characterized by rose colored glasses of seeing only the positive attributes of your SO and you tend to be uncommonly altruistic. It is sometimes also called "limerance". You love a person in spite of their quirky characteristic and largely ignore them.

This is another period of breakup--after the 2 year period. Suddenly, eyes open, you start noticing the seat being left up, how much more she nags about the garbage and can't put together a decent argument, small thing and characteristic of the other person start irritating you. Your "head" starts playing a much bigger roll. This is also where you find people being serial monogamists...2 year relationship after 2 year relationship. They are going from one in-love experience after another.

Ok...the "growing in love" part, if I understand your question correctly, (what some would call true love)...involves a marriage of both your heart and mind. You actively CHOOSE to love, love become a verb, and your heart agrees. You love the whole person, faults and all, because it makes them...them. Eg, my former spouse had a nasty temper and could fly off the handle...but I loved her passion...wouldn't have had it any other way:) The relationship develops a resilience because you've gone through so much and develop that confidence, security that everything will be ok:)

Anyone been there? yep:) It's absolutely lovely.
Joined: 2/21/2010
Msg: 15
Success in growing in love over time
Posted: 3/5/2011 2:33:09 PM
Do you have the same values? Are you on the same page with marriage goals? Do you grow and change and mature at similar emotional paces? Do you have enough in common to enjoy spending time with each other? Do you parent or relate to family in ways that are similar enough for you to act as a team? can you communicate with each other so that you are on the same page? Are you sexually compatible? Can you enjoy eating the same type of food as the other? Some differences would be nice, so you can challenge each other, or have time and experience to yourself, but really if all of the above is in place, and you have the same commitment, yes, you can grow a deep love between you. It's been done for eons, maybe, in many cultures.
Joined: 11/29/2009
Msg: 16
Success in growing in love over time
Posted: 3/5/2011 4:52:55 PM
OP: I don't know if this is a learned behavior or something that you learn via books.

You meet someone, you are compatible and if things flow naturally love should be the end goal. But WTF do I know, I'm not in love right now, so maybe I've got it all WRONG!
Joined: 10/3/2009
Msg: 17
Success in growing in love over time
Posted: 3/6/2011 10:11:23 PM
My observation is that folks on this forum mostly don't believe in "love growing", at least for themselves, I myself don't.

But I've read a couple self-help books that do talk about love growing and I'm sure there are dozens I haven't seen. I'm sure those testimonies are as real as any, but I'm not their audience. If you are, there you'll find all the fellow-traveler stories you could want.
 R U Right for Me
Joined: 12/15/2007
Msg: 18
Success in growing in love over time
Posted: 3/14/2011 7:23:39 PM
Could you elaborate a little? Growing in love? with what? what books are you reading? How to love somebody better?
Joined: 5/21/2008
Msg: 19
Success in growing in love over time
Posted: 3/15/2011 5:41:23 PM
well, get to know each other...

try to be a better person today than what you were yesterday and better tomorrow than what you are today.

Try to care for the other person as much as you care for yourself.

Try to talk to each other about what's on your minds... so that you can spend some quality time together.

you know the usual stuff.
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