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 OOhMeeOhhMy
Joined: 9/17/2007
Msg: 6
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Relationships with Bartenders and WaitressPage 1 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
let me get this straight... you knew exactly where your husband was.... and he talked about you there.... and you are worried???

stop nagging.... he probably turned the phone off so he wouldn't be tempted to answer your obsessive calls.... either you trust him or you don't.... if you don't then deal with that... but be sure that your lack of trust isn't your own problem...

I am very chatty with waiters and waitresses.... and have spent time in bars where said waiter or waitress sat and chatted because the place was empty.... who cares... your husband doesn't need a bar to cheat... he could do it just sitting in his hotel room....
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 7
Relationships with Bartenders and Waitress
Posted: 4/9/2011 10:26:25 AM
~OP~ ^^^^I think you see the pattern here. Strangers, all of us, and all of us agree. You have a problem and I don't think it's your husband. Let him have a little time away from you. Good grief. Have you ever read or heard this: "How can I miss you? You never go away!!" Back off, maybe he'll miss you. (And really? These women KNOW about you. They likely roll their eyes when you blow up his phone, but they know about you.) JMO
 RazzleRoadRunner
Joined: 4/13/2007
Msg: 8
Relationships with Bartenders and Waitress
Posted: 4/9/2011 10:38:52 AM
Some people are not cut out to have a partner who spends alot of time away from home. If takes a good deal of trust and independance to pull it off and be content. You need to find another hobby other than trying to catch your man in the act.


My vote for best answer...............and if your getting tired of holding the fort down by yourself and finding yourself becoming resentful, you need to have a chat with your husband. Your coping with a lot of stress if it's coupled with worrying about his infidelity. Did he have this kind of job when you married him?

My job requires me to travel a lot as well and I know my options for a relationship are very limited because the majority of men wouldn't and couldn't tolerate it in a marriage. I've been given an ultimatum before by the men I've dated........either find a new job or find a new relationship.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 9
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Relationships with Bartenders and Waitress
Posted: 4/9/2011 11:56:58 AM
Yes, I would say your husband is up to no good, he may not be having an affair(s) but he's quite busy with his friends the bartenders/waitresses. They know about you, the nagging wife you hunts him down and yes I would guess you are the joke of the group, poor Buddy and his fishwife. This is part your fault for acting like a jealous, nagging, crazy wife and partly his fault for doing all the things he lies about and making you think crazy thoughts. The answer for me would to never be married to a man I don't trust, who doesn't deserve my trust and who lies and makes me a joke to his friends and the women he flirts with. Unless you want a life like this, you need to either live with it and be happy or get a divorce and find a man who doesn't lie to you and who isn't gone all the time.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 12
Relationships with Bartenders and Waitress
Posted: 4/9/2011 5:13:56 PM
OPie, deal is: he's either cheating or not. If so, it's not likely the peeps that work in the bar; and if so, he's likely NOT AT the bar. . . . But truth is, your hounding him isn't going to help. If you *don't* trust him, leave him and give him a break -- DO NOT make yourself into the one he never wants to see/hear from.

Give up the detective project, and find something to do on your own that makes you happy. So happy that you don't notice and/or worry about how he spends his time when he's not with you. Clinging/crying/whining/getting mad is going to end it sooner rather than later.

Good luck!
 Hands of gold
Joined: 11/12/2008
Msg: 13
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Relationships with Bartenders and Waitress
Posted: 4/9/2011 5:31:25 PM
Well, OP, the advice seems almost unanimous. If you want to have a happy and successful relationship, nagging your husband over the phone and sleuthing about the bar will not get you there.

Do you have children? If so, it can be a hard grind to be alone with them for so long. If not, then you need a diversion of your own while he is out of town. Use your alone time for personal betterment. Go to the gym, scrapbook, take a class, whatever.

You need to trust him, because your relationship will disintegrate if you don't. He can't make you happy from the road, so don't count on it to happen.
 oaklandish
Joined: 6/29/2008
Msg: 14
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Relationships with Bartenders and Waitress
Posted: 4/9/2011 7:11:18 PM
I am sure it is very difficult having your husband gone for 5 weeks. Do you want him to sit in a hotel room reading every night? Lots of folks go out because they want company. Just because they are at a bar doesn't mean they are misbehaving. Has he ever given you reason to not trust him? If not, don't p1ss him off and encourage him to start.

And your question about two women bartenders for two customers.....I am guessing they have assigned shifts- who knows how many folks will come in on any given night..should they send one home early and not pay her because it is a slow night and you don't want her talking to your husband?

Maybe you could offer up some extracurricular phone activities. That might get him back to the room earlier.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 17
Relationships with Bartenders and Waitress
Posted: 4/9/2011 9:49:10 PM
I hope some of you never have a question that needs answered.

Well the question you *seemed* to be asking was answered.

Waiters and waitresses and bartenders are in the bidnes of public relations. Their livelihood depends on it. My ex was on the road like that for about five years of our marriage. His job shop wouldn't even give locations to the wives/girlfriends because they caused so much distention. The guys spent most evenings in one bar or another. Much better than hanging around a cheap motel room. And mine was hit on all the time. But *never* by the employees. You should be flattered and grateful she didn't ask you if you were the girlfriend or the wife.

 *Bulldog*
Joined: 3/31/2007
Msg: 18
Relationships with Bartenders and Waitress
Posted: 4/9/2011 10:13:56 PM
Are these bars or restaurants? A guy who is married doesn't need to go to a bar to get a good atmosphere, food, and watch a game. He can get that at most restaurants.

A bar adds alcohol, women, (and apparently, gossip).. why is he putting these temptations in front of him? He's exercising very poor judgment. Also, it doesn't sound like he respects you if you've expressed your (legitimate) concerns about it, and he's not changing his behavior. You don't honor your wife in this way.

You probably have a lot of issues in your relationship, and this is probably just a symptom of a larger problem. Both of you have things you need to sort out and you should probably seek counseling, asap.
 oaklandish
Joined: 6/29/2008
Msg: 22
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Relationships with Bartenders and Waitress
Posted: 4/10/2011 12:55:28 AM
OP- Your first post sounded VERY different than the one at 9:27 tonight... You talked about hearing people in the back ground every night when you called in the first post; then you say you only called once when you needed to reach him in the second post....

What ever......Bartenders do a lot of listening. Your husband may also advised her that there would be a call from his wife so she acknowledged who you were when you called. You flip flopped a bit.....Perhaps you shouldn't be so quick to judge...you were p.o.d at your husband in the first post then very defensive of him in the second.....so saying it was about bartenders and waitresses is being is a little disingenuous.
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 23
Relationships with Bartenders and Waitress
Posted: 4/10/2011 4:11:58 AM
What ever......Bartenders do a lot of listening. Your husband may also advised her that there would be a call from his wife so she acknowledged who you were when you called. You flip flopped a bit.....Perhaps you shouldn't be so quick to judge...you were p.o.d at your husband in the first post then very defensive of him in the second.....so saying it was about bartenders and waitresses is being is a little disingenuous.


Bartenders & Waitresses get better tips if they're friendly, listen, etc - its to their advantage to be pleasant to a customer. The title of this thread is really misleading, just because a bartender/waitress is being 'friendly' doesn't mean they're hitting on them, they're most likely hoping it nets them more tip money.

What I find interesting, OP, is that you sit here complaining that his "battery died" several times, he's shut his cell phone off, etc... and then you call the bar, and the waitress knows he has a wife - realistically, he's probably said "its my wife" a bunch of times with his cell, and then you called the bar because his cell phone was off... you sound tremendously insecure about this relationship. Someone who is going to cheat usually doesn't announce he's got a wife at home.

Honestly, the bartender is probably thinking by this point he's married to a psycho who has to "keep tabs" on him all the time, rather than someone who is secure in the relationship, and if it were me and I was shutting my phone off, quite honestly, it would because its starting to feel like you're insecurely trying to keep 'tabs' on me. It'd make me re-think being in the relationship, quite honestly, if it was an ongoing thing.

You either trust, or you don't... neither will stop someone from cheating on you *if they want to cheat*. But I'll tell you, if you don't trust him, and are going to hound him trying to keep tabs on where/what he's doing all the time, it doesn't bode well for the marriage. A healthy relationship is a trusting relationship.
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 25
Relationships with Bartenders and Waitress
Posted: 4/10/2011 6:28:11 AM
That's a nice slogan, but trust is built upon behaving in trustworthy fashion and in my opinion, the OPs husband is not behaving in a way that inspires trust.


Which boils down to the same outcome - an unhealthy and probably "over" relationship.


I have yet to hear a story from someone who was cheated on for very long and who didn't realize it for very long without wondering how that person could have not known, long before he/she did know.


Usually someone "knows" something is wrong/changed, before they might know the "details", agreed. Been there, done that, I trusted her implicitly, but the last few months "something" had changed, that I couldn't "put my finger on"... until I found out she was cheating.

But *either*, not being trustworthy, or "lacking trust" with someone who has given you no reason to not trust them, is the death-knoll of a healthy relationship. The OP is on here with a profile saying she's married looking for "hang out"... one has to wonder just how "trustworthy" that would indicate her to be. Is it really *that* hard to go to the menu and pick "edit profile" and change it?

I'm reminded of that same ex, slamming me for commenting that one of her friends was "I dunno, seems nice, intelligent, kinda cute in her own way, surprised she's single, she'd make a good 'catch' for some guy" (first time I ever met her, the now-ex asked what I thought of her, it was an honest matter-of-fact opinion)... she slammed me with "maybe you should date her then!" - of course, from what I know now *she* was probably cheating on me (or moving that way) then... was I being "untrustworthy" (never cheated in my life), or what she *projecting* that on me because *she* was being untrustworthy? Lack of "trust" can often come from projecting *your* thoughts on the other person - ie, you are thinking about others, so they *must* be too? I've known a lot of people who were being accused of cheating - while their partner was pretty much "laying everything but the trans-Atlantic cable". It takes the "focus" off what they are doing.
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 26
Relationships with Bartenders and Waitress
Posted: 4/10/2011 7:16:00 AM
OP - your posts baffle me.

What exactly is your concern?


And I did find out why she answered that way. My husband made it perfectly clear he has a wife at home. So a little sour grapes on her part maybe. Hasn't stopped the pack from trying to land one of the other guys.


This thread sounds like you are worried that Bartenders and Waitresses are trying to solicit your husband for sex.
Is this right?
If it is, my goodness YOU have some issues that you better start addressing, or your marriage is NOT going to survive.

TRUST is of the utmost importance.
Either you trust your husband or you don't.

You can't blame others for your lack of trust in him.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 27
Relationships with Bartenders and Waitress
Posted: 4/10/2011 7:21:08 AM
My question is more like this - Why do people who work in a bar think it's their right to be nosey with every person that comes in.

One can't be nosey with someone that isn't willing to disclose their personal information. He's apparently talking back when being talked to.

And I did find out why she answered that way. My husband made it perfectly clear he has a wife at home. So a little sour grapes on her part maybe. Hasn't stopped the pack from trying to land one of the other guys.

She's likely heard a MUCH different story than you are being told. Very likely innocent in nature, but different nonetheless.

Not once have I called to check up on him other than this night. I had an issue at home that I needed him for. So it wasn't even checking up, it was urgent.

Hmmm ~ how did you know his phone has lost power 6-8 times in the past if you aren't calling him?

~OP~ Honestly? This is just silly. To change your profile, try the "edit" button. To have faith in your husband? Well, I don't know the answer to that because I don't live in your house. I'd suggest you talk to him and be honest. You obviously have serious thoughts/feelings about his activities. And whether or not you think so, you'll slowly but surely make him crazy and NOT want to talk if you keep on with the negativity. JMO
 bikeman1467
Joined: 9/22/2009
Msg: 28
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Relationships with Bartenders and Waitress
Posted: 4/10/2011 7:55:28 AM
Tell me where this bar is where the bartenders hook up with the customers. I want to go there! Every time I've been attracted to a bartender and hit on her, all that happened is she would become uncomfortable. The bartenders job is to be friendly to customers; if the bartender is an attractive female, more likely than not she'll be INNOCENTLY flirting a bit with customers--it generally works in their favor with tips.

Clearly the bartenders and waitresses your husband encounters while he is on his business road trips is not the problem here. I can't see why you would worry more about the bartenders than you would be worrying about the female barflys--is this guy dressed to the nines 24/7, some Fabian stud, or hung like a racehorse?

The bigger problem is your lack of trust with this guy. If you can't have a rational discussion with your partner about this sort of stuff when they are home, I'd say your relationship is either hopeless or riddled with problems. This guy MIGHT be a cheating rat bastard, but I don't know him--but from what I've read from the OP in this thread, if I were married to an overprotective paranoid woman, I certainly would appreciate some away time from her. It's no wonder when his cell phone "dies" on him.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 31
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Relationships with Bartenders and Waitress
Posted: 4/10/2011 2:03:46 PM
Your question was answered, you just don't like the majority of the answers because you want to bytch and call and nag and blame other women for what you think your husband might be up to and you can't have all this drama if you take the answers and get a grip. Some people who work in these places will be going back to your husband's/his buddies' room if they 'hit it off' but most won't, most just want closing time to come and pain-in-the-ass flirts to leave so they can go home. They work for pay, not to get laid. The few who work in these places to meet men/women aren't going to make your husband cheat, that's always going to be his choice, he's either a cheater or he's not. He's your problem, trust me, tired people trying to do their job don't want to have to entertain your husband's needs, they don't give a crap about his 'story', they are being nice & friendly for tips and to keep their job. They aren't nosy, good gawd can you imagine how many men on the road they have to listen to, how many nagging wives they have to speak to? Your husband cheats or he doesn't, which one do you really think it is? That's your issue, not a single other person in the world but you needs to worry about your husband's fidelity.



I don't think an emergency 911 call for a shrink has quite come to that though :)


This is really ridiculous, you are so worked up about what your husband is up to that you are blaming workers in places he goes to, his buddies, people who have to answer the phone when you call...but you aren't bothered enough to talk to a therapist? Your posts are very transparent, as you can tell my 90+% of the answers. Your marriage is huge drama, you don't trust your husband and like most who want to stay in a marriage even if it's bad, you then blame everyone but you and your husband for the problems. Do you see how this looks to those reading your posts? You can backtrack and change up your story all you want, but the first post is right there, one of the reasons you can't change it after 15 mins. so you don't take out all the info you no longer want the readers to see so you don't have to face reality.

You know full well that your husband made it clear that you call all the time to check up on him and will keep calling and will call to see when he left, etc. And his buddies all make comments when you call and call and call. The bartenders/waitresses don't really care one way or the other if you call him all the time, they just stand there having to listen to him go on about it, and since they are required to answer the company phone when you call, they tell you whatever he said to tell you, or they get rid of you as soon as possible. He's not their responsibility, he's just a guy who shows up every night (apparently) to drink and talk to women who are working, and it would seem, to find ways to not answer the phone when you call. Now tell me, how is that the fault of other women? Why isn't that an issue between you and him and why does it make you feel better about your marriage to blame this women who have nothing to do with your marriage?
 Red Fish GF
Joined: 12/3/2009
Msg: 33
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Posted: 4/10/2011 3:52:57 PM
Wow OP, do you really need to check up on your husband several times just to make sure he is where he said he would be?


My SO travels frequently for work and is currently in Russia. He texts, emails or calls when he has a chance but I don't feel the need to call and see if he happens to be at the bar. A cheater will find a way to cheat whether you keep tabs on him or not. I trust my SO completely and I think you need to have trust in your husband or your constant nagging with push him away.

You may of had an emergency at home but the call to the bar was uncalled for AFTER you spoke with your husband.

carolann
I never felt a need to check up on him or get jealous. Traveling for your job is lonely and exhausting.
A person can cheat next door they don't need to be away. Either you cheat or you don't. The fact is you do not trust your husband and whether he is a dog or not, THAT is what is wrong with your relationship. Lack of trust is a killer, you sound like a royal pain in the ass he's probably embarrassed and it's easier not to talk to you on the phone. No one needs that kind of pressure and stress.




Paddy_o_Lantern
Some people are not cut out to have a partner who spends alot of time away from home. If takes a good deal of trust and independance to pull it off and be content. You need to find another hobby other than trying to catch your man in the act.


forums1
You either trust, or you don't... neither will stop someone from cheating on you *if they want to cheat*. But I'll tell you, if you don't trust him, and are going to hound him trying to keep tabs on where/what he's doing all the time, it doesn't bode well for the marriage. A healthy relationship is a trusting relationship.
 Twilightslove
Joined: 12/9/2008
Msg: 36
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Relationships with Bartenders and Waitress
Posted: 4/10/2011 5:31:57 PM
I'm with abelian all the way on this one.

Op,

You have not really indicated why you have a lack of trust yet I would imagine it is because your husband spends far too much time in bars when he is on the road. A drink is one thing and dinner yet you imply that he drinks far later than he should if he has to be at work by 3:30 AM. I'm not sure what employer appreciates a half drunk person showing up for work or what type of work he does yet it just doesn't look very professional to me.

However, to be upset with the bartender over your husband is not very rational behavior on your part. It takes two to make a go of it which means that if you suspect infidelity your husband should be the one that you are upset with.

There are the occasional waitress or bartender who do flirt yet I would assume that for the most part they are just trying to earn bigger tips. Waitressing and bartending alone do not always pay the bills adequately. I happen to have an ex who told me he was cheating with a waitress. I wasn't mad at the waitress...........I WAS MAD AT HIM. After all, it was he who decided to cheat not her.

My situation was quite a bit different then yours though. He would tell me he was on call, lose most of his paycheck, and lose major tools that were constantly needing to be replaced via payments taken out of his checks. I was so naive at first, yet when he came home drunk night after night with all these excuses and was supposedly on call I had to come to the conclusion that he was a liar and a cheat. Sadly, with 4 children and not much chance of any other help I stayed in a lousy marriage for way too long.

Don't let that be you. If he is cheating then you need to get on with your life. Forget about counseling for couples although if you are having this much trouble with this all then do try to get some counseling for yourself. Look to any and all avenues that you have to get out of the relationship.

Hanging up, turning off, or claiming a battery is dead wouldn't be necessary if he had nothing to hide and would just answer the phone the first time the OP called. Everything would have been cool then or at least I would think so.

There are many men who do have to go out to eat and drink while married yet I suspect most of them get tired of wining and dining a customer to make a sell. Salesmen usually have to make the deal to get their commissions and wining and dining customers pays off.

Other married men should not be spending all their time in bars even if they are out on the road for work.
 Red Fish GF
Joined: 12/3/2009
Msg: 40
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Relationships with Bartenders and Waitress
Posted: 4/11/2011 7:57:13 AM
^^^^ Exactly, the stories keep changing so how can we give you an answer when every time you don't like what some one says you change the circumstances.




So I'm mad that he didn't leave when he said, he lied about his phone being dead ( again ) and that the waitress knew enough to answer the phone like that.....



As someone else said was he out past his curfew? He probably lied because he's tired of being treated like a child who you have to keep tabs on or they might get in trouble.


When my SO is traveling for work and I don't hear from him I start thinking what if something happened to him. Is he hurt or just unable to call or write. Not once does my mind go to thoughts of is he cheating. I had one text yesterday afternoon and nothing since, he's in Russia as I stated before.


 JerseyGirl2008
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 41
Relationships with Bartenders and Waitress
Posted: 4/11/2011 9:59:57 AM
Just becuase the guy is known to be 'married' by the wait staff doesn't mean he's untouchable to the rest of the free world.

The fact that he's turning off his phone and LYING about when he leaves a bar speaks volumes. I find it comical how everyone berates the OP for checking up on her shady husband who clearly has something to hide. Geez, it isn't rocket science.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 43
Relationships with Bartenders and Waitress
Posted: 4/11/2011 11:19:31 AM
She never accused her hubby of lying.

Yes, this OP did indeed accuse him of lying:

So I'm mad that he didn't leave when he said, he lied about his phone being dead ( again ) and that the waitress knew enough to answer the phone like that.....


I think she isafraid that he is/will cheat. She does not want to appear insecure, so is trying to camouflage her fear by building a backstory that revolves around blaming external stimuli and piecing together a series of crime scene events (why did his bud text at 11 pm, but hubby couldn't be reached until his phone was "turned back on" at 12:45am?).

Too much covert subterfuge and too little direct communication.

Insecurity and "fear he may be cheating" go hand in hand. Based on this OP's own words here, she has issues. She's a woman with children, running a household, acting like a girl in high school. She's chasing her husband via cell phone, calling bars, having her friend keep tabs when she isn't effective, etc., etc. She is indeed, insecure. And acting quite juvenile on top of it all. I'd be willing to be she's posted this silliness on FaceBook as well as here.
The reality of this situation? You've got someone acting childish by burning down the airwaves, and you've got someone being childish in NOT answering her. Both of these people have more issues than Sports Illustrated and we are likely only reading an itsy portion of what's truly happening. JMO
 Red Fish GF
Joined: 12/3/2009
Msg: 44
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Relationships with Bartenders and Waitress
Posted: 4/11/2011 11:26:34 AM
^^^^ this is an alternate possibility but I don't think the OP has given us any background information to suspect that this is the case. If she has some definite cause to be suspicious then she needs to bring this up directly with him when he is at home and come to some resolution on the problem. As I said before when you are with someone who spends a great deal of time away from home you need to be able to be ok with the situation and if you cannot get to that point then maybe its time to think about moving on to a more suitable situation



The OP never stated she had any reason to be suspicious yet was checking up on him more than once. Perhaps if we had more information most of us would have a different conclusion. The way most of us see it is her keeping tabs on him like a child. I don't find it strange at all that the waitress knew who she was. He probably warned them she might be calling because her first post said she checks up on him often.


As for my situation, my SO told me he would be in a remote area and was also having difficulty with his phone. He sent one text and a few emails before he lost all contact with me. I don't for a second believe he turned his phone off on purpose. I sure hope to hear from him soon though.
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 49
Relationships with Bartenders and Waitress
Posted: 4/11/2011 4:15:44 PM
First of all, I would not sign up to marry a constant traveller. I like a partnership, not to be left to do everything myself. May as well stay single for that deal.

Secondly, if I did have to travel for work...yes, a few nights I may join the co workers for a drink, but really...every night? There are no gyms in town? Or book stores? I would not be impressed if my SO thought the only way to kill time was boozing.

Third-OP...if hubby was into this line of work when you married, and he has not cheated...you calling and badgering him like this will make him cheat. If he is going to do 'the time' he may as well commit the crime.

If you dont trust him, then deal with that and stop playing detective. Just tell him outright you are having trust issues and get it over with.
 platypus_man
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 52
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Posted: 4/19/2011 8:27:35 AM

So he turns his phone off the other night after saying he was leaving at 10:30pm. 12:45am it comes back on. I was pissed. I ask him how late he stayed out ( he has to work at 3:30 am ) at first it was 11 then 11:30... So I thought screw it I'll call the bar..

I call and ask if the guys had been in and they said yes. I asked if they knew how late they were there. They put me on hold and a waitress gets on the phone. She says " Hello" I say "hello" She says "You must be so and so's wife" Huh????

So I'm mad that he didn't leave when he said, he lied about his phone being dead ( again ) and that the waitress knew enough to answer the phone like that.....

And now we know why he continues to travel for work.....to get away from you. Oh my gawd......
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 55
Relationships with Bartenders and Waitress
Posted: 4/21/2011 12:38:44 PM

men hanging out in bars every frikken night = losers and bad husbands.


Certainly would NOT be my dream man...and I dont know too many men who would accept this behaviour from thier wives either.

OP, have you ever sat down with hubby and asked him how he would feel if the shoe were on the other foot? Have you told him it doesnt sit well with you that he drinks pretty much every night?

Like I said in my earlier response, I can totally understand joining the work gand periodically for a drink while travelling, but who can afford to drink every night in a bar? Why is he not into something else with his time? A gym, a book, furthering education online? There are so many better ways to spend free time and I would hate being married to someone who thinks drinking regularly is a good way to spend time and money.
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