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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > His wife      Home login  
Joined: 3/8/2008
Msg: 2
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His wifePage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Don't know. I always refer to them as "ex-wife" or "ex-girlfriend", except when speaking about things in the past tense that happened when they were my wife, or were my girlfriend. They weren't an "ex" at those times.
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 3
His wife
Posted: 4/19/2011 8:09:40 PM
~OP~ I'm not laughing at you, but it reads funny to me. Probably because after ten years, it still slips out of me at times, "My husband, errrr, my ex-husband." It means nothing. I was used to calling him that and because we have a long long history, it does still slip out at times. I'd not read too much into it unless they are still married.
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 4
His wife
Posted: 4/19/2011 8:09:52 PM
I always refer to my ex-wife as my ex.
NEVER call her my wife.

I'm thinking those guys just get used to saying it and don't change.
Probably got used to alot of things they aint changing either.
so just another sign of un-dateable.
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 5
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His wife
Posted: 4/19/2011 8:20:46 PM
If I'm talking about something that my ex and I did together.....I might very well say "My husband" did this or that. Because at the time it happened, he was my husband.
And I'm about as far from "emotionally married" to that man as one can be!!
Been very happily divorced 15 years
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 8
His wife
Posted: 4/19/2011 8:34:46 PM

I can't imagine getting re-married/having a boyfriend and describing what happened 10 years ago

I have a suspicion that a few men may be mentioning their "wife" around you to remind you that they WERE married, and that if you play your cards right you may be their NEXT..
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 9
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His wife
Posted: 4/19/2011 8:35:13 PM
If it's constant and excessive.....yes, that's a problem
But his exwife is a part of his past....his experiences are sometimes going to include her.
I was only married 11 years......but in those 11 years we did alot of things that I still talk about now and then.
At this age........I'm pretty sure anyone I date has a past....and that past includes an ex or two! Unless "she" is all he can talk about.....I have no issue with her being mentioned when we are discussing things we've done or experienced.
Joined: 2/3/2010
Msg: 10
His wife
Posted: 4/19/2011 9:36:21 PM
I see nothing wrong with it. If told stories about what my friends did 25 years ago, I will still say "my friends" even though I haven't seen them in 20 years, and I could even be enemies with some of them now. In the context of the story, they are "my friends".

If he is talking about what this woman is doing IN THE PRESENT TENSE, I would say either he's hung up on her, or it's just a habit and he doesn't notice the difference. I had an ex-gf who wanted to me to call her a different name after we broke up. I never did.

Men like things simple. If you have a problem with the NAMES and PRONOUNS this guy uses, it's up to YOU to sort it out. It's YOUR PROBLEM, not his. HE knows what he's talking about. If YOU don't know -- ASK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Joined: 11/22/2010
Msg: 11
His wife
Posted: 4/19/2011 9:57:19 PM
I was married for 21 years and have been divorced for 17, and sometimes "my husband" slips out, but only when I'm referring to the past. If I bumped into him, I'd say I bumped into my ex-husband. If someone consistently says husband or wife and the divorce was not recent, that might indicate that they have not moved on.

Here's an example. A girlfriend of mine, divorced over ten years ago, deliberately calls him her husband - I've never heard her say ex - and that's been a sticky point with her BF of six years. She even had an affair with her ex-husband when he was with his current partner. She readily admits that she's still in love with him and it's very obvious that she has not let go of him.
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 12
His wife
Posted: 4/19/2011 10:24:07 PM
I'm with msmicki on this one! If I'm telling of something that happened while I was married I say my wife...because that's what she was at the time.

I rarely use her first name because I don't talk about her enough for anyone to know her name.
 english lass
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 15
His wife
Posted: 4/20/2011 1:37:37 AM
I'm not sure. I'd never refer to my ex as 'my husband'; that ended years ago and he's now happily married elsewhere (his wife might have something to say about that too! :))
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 16
His wife
Posted: 4/20/2011 3:25:30 AM
I think if it just slips once in awhile it doent mean anything sinister, but if he always refers to the ex wife as 'wife' it is a huge red flag. Part of healing is accepting the new position the ex really plays in your life and if you cannot use the word ex at all when discussing them, you likely havent accepted that they really are an ex.

Ive slipped once in awhile as well when story telling, but it is far and few between. I dont regularly refer to my ex husband as my husband....cause I dont have a husband and have not since 1998. Even when talking about an old shared experience, I say 'I remember when me and my ex husband did..."
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 17
His wife
Posted: 4/20/2011 4:57:40 AM
I'm a simple man, and because of that, my life must be made a lot simplier so that I don't make such drastic bad life choices of which the OP speaks.

Soooooooooo, at the time, I decided I better not marry the mother of my child so I wouldn't have to face such a mindblowing choice of calling her my ex or my wife, or even my ex-wife. In fact my choice was so good I don't call her anything at all today,which seems to be very important.
 Island home
Joined: 7/5/2009
Msg: 19
His wife
Posted: 4/20/2011 6:52:06 AM
After 10 years I often refer to my ex as my wife simply because ex sounds harsh and implies bitterness.
My thinking is I had one wife ,
don't want another one,
any future relationship will be negotiated not rubber stamped
In other words, we will both know what we are in it for
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 20
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His wife
Posted: 4/20/2011 7:03:53 AM
I think what you are dealing with, is something to do with the nature of how human minds operate, and not with any particular person's "hidden agendas." I would recommend you find your BEST answer, by reading up on psychology studies of how people reference things from their past. It's a fascinating subject area, and could help you to get along better with yourself, as well as others.
And the short answer is NO, it does NOT mean the person is still "emotionally married," it usually means simply that when they open the little drawer in their memory banks marked "refer to this/that one-time spouse," the first word listed there for the mouth to utter is WIFE.
It can require a bunch of conscious work for a person to rewrite all of their internal memories and speech patterns, about any subject area. It should be no surprise that most of us only put in that much work, when it's absolutely necessary.
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 21
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His wife
Posted: 4/20/2011 7:09:58 AM
Personally I don't ever want to hear about their Ex wives or GFs unless they are directly involved in the topic at hand. For example: "My Ex Wife is picking my son up after the baseball game" Period.
Lot's of newly divorced people think their rotten Ex is a viable social topic. It's not.
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 22
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His wife
Posted: 4/20/2011 7:29:30 AM

If someone asks me if I have ever been up in the St Louis Arch.....would you expect me to just give a simple "Yes" as the answer - just because my ex was there too?
Or would it bother you if I said......"OMG Yes, we were in St Louis on a business trip and I was scared to death to go in that little elevator car to the top. My husband finally convinced me to get in.....and then he was the one that threw up all over the place!"
He was my husband at the time.......and he was there and it's damn funny!
If you are on a date with already know I've been divorced for 15 years. Would you really think I'm harboring lingering emotions for this man just because I said "husband" in my story?
Joined: 3/10/2009
Msg: 25
His ex-wife
Posted: 4/20/2011 5:26:03 PM
Nope, she' s and Ex, and eventually will become a WHY

the real question is why he even talks about her at all ?
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 26
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His wife
Posted: 4/20/2011 7:46:04 PM
My feeling is that if a guy is referring to his ex-wife as his wife, then he isn't over her. He's probably available for sex but not a lasting relationship. It would be a big red flag to me.
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 27
His wife
Posted: 4/20/2011 7:56:17 PM
^^^^^Wow! That's a messed up assumption.....
Joined: 2/3/2010
Msg: 28
His wife
Posted: 4/20/2011 11:37:40 PM
WOW -- I guess I learned a thing or two from this thread. I'll have to watch how I talk about anything in the past I'm not connected to RIGHT NOW.

When I was in college, I made a spring-break trip to LA with my ex-friends, using my ex-car, and wearing my ex-light jacket with the ex-favorite team logo on it. I had ex-$100 in my ex-pockets, and my ex-shoes were worn thin enough to feel the gravel on the state ex-highway (destroyed 10 years back). I drank 20 ex-sodas on that trip, took a lot of pics (still have those) with my ex-camera. Good think I had an ex-map, or I would probably be ex-tinguished from life altogether.

Can I ex-hale now?
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 29
His wife
Posted: 4/21/2011 12:29:59 AM
^^^^^ No.... you talk about your EX's too must still be hanging on!
Just let go man...just let go!
Joined: 8/4/2007
Msg: 30
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His wife
Posted: 4/21/2011 10:30:06 AM
Wow...just wow...

I think people have way too much time on their hands, and worry about stupid little things way too much. Over analyze much?

If she's the only topic of conversation - then I'd wonder.
Joined: 7/17/2007
Msg: 31
His wife
Posted: 4/28/2011 5:22:47 PM
he has not let go yet, and he is still interested in her.
its baggage you dont need.
get on with your life.
Joined: 4/15/2011
Msg: 33
His wife
Posted: 5/2/2011 3:25:40 PM
Honestly, if you love him then show him that. Expressing your anger over something that has been burnt into his vocabulary is something you/a person can't change.

Think of when you hear a person cursing up a storm, now think; Can I get that person to stop cursing after he/she has been doing this for over 5, 10, 15 years? The answer is NO, absolutely not. Love is unconditional and in order for him to get over it you will have to be there for him, remind him (indirectly) who loves him and is there for him. Only time will stop him from blurting silly things out that have no real meaning.

Prime example:

Yo sup nigga!? (Im white but I have no racial meaning in that question.)
Does this mean every time a caucasion person is saying that it's a manifest of internal rage or anger over their personal feeling towards different ethnics groups?

What's up dog?(Silly but some people use this vocabulary)
Am I saying your my little puppy I raised for 10 years? No.

You feel me? (Another good example)
Do I want you to feel me, literally? No. It means do you understand.

I love you! (uh oh yup I went there)
After being with someone for several years you tend to say I love you more often than not; Before hanging up the phone, before bed, before heading out to work, whatever the case may be we have said it before and in an excessive amount.
Now let me ask you.. Do you say I love you and feel this feeling of " Oh my god he/she is the greatest thing that happened to my life since BLAH BLAH BLAH"? No. It means it's an almost instinctive nature to say "I love you" even though the feeling of butterflies aren't there every time you say it.

It was a big moment in his life and it may be he is still indirectly saying "wife instead of "ex-wife" but who is he with, who does he spend time with, who does he call, who does he say he loves; These are the question I feel you should be asking yourself.

Words are words, don't over analyze them and just give it time. Time and patience is an Arete(Virtue).
Joined: 10/22/2008
Msg: 34
His wife
Posted: 5/2/2011 3:53:16 PM
A different slant...A 'friend of mine' who lost her husband to death, after it was not such a fresh wound, was talking to a colleague and referred to her late husband as 'my first husband'. This actually FREED her to contemplate the idea of a new love.

Sort of like the players who state, 'there goes my next ex-wife'? LOL
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