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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Best ways to bring up sensitive dealbreakers?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 bobdoor
Joined: 6/28/2009
Msg: 1
Best ways to bring up sensitive dealbreakers?Page 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
I have one important dealbreaker that I can't really put into my profile.

What do you think is the best time and method to bring up the topic of dealbreakers during the "getting to know you" phase of online dating? I've already found out that for me the first email is too early, and the first date is too late.

So, what are your experiences with this sort of thing, from either side?
 starzgirl72
Joined: 2/23/2011
Msg: 2
Best ways to bring up sensitive dealbreakers?
Posted: 4/29/2011 5:03:29 AM
How about during a phone conversation? Usually, after exchanging a couple of emails, I like to speak to the person over the phone to get a better feel for them. If the conversation goes well, I usually make plans to meet up with them not long afterward. What sort of deal breaker is it that you can't put it in your profile?
 motown cowgirl
Joined: 6/30/2010
Msg: 3
Best ways to bring up sensitive dealbreakers?
Posted: 4/29/2011 5:11:54 AM
the more sensitive the dealbreaker, the sooner it should be mentioned. that's why you see warnings about my loathing of nascar and harleys in my profile. also, no bubbas.

if you are up-front in your profile, you sidestep the whole too early/too late drama.
 GirlyMuscle
Joined: 3/4/2011
Msg: 4
Best ways to bring up sensitive dealbreakers?
Posted: 4/29/2011 5:17:13 AM
Put it in the profile. This is the internet. Just be who you are from the very start.Good Lord.
 InTheNow2011
Joined: 3/31/2011
Msg: 5
Best ways to bring up sensitive dealbreakers?
Posted: 4/29/2011 5:41:34 AM
There is no sense in wasting anyone`s time if the issue is a deal breaker. Either put it in your profile or request a phone conversation asap.
 Sabrosura089
Joined: 11/29/2009
Msg: 6
Best ways to bring up sensitive dealbreakers?
Posted: 4/29/2011 5:54:36 AM
OP: It depends on what this deal breaker is. Is it too private/sensitive to share with us?

Not that I'm being "nosey", but to me that would be important in determining how to address in a "political correct" fashion.
 ChillinChill
Joined: 10/2/2010
Msg: 7
Best ways to bring up sensitive dealbreakers?
Posted: 4/29/2011 6:11:19 AM
I'm guessing if you don't want to post it here for us to read, you don't want to post it on your profile....

If it is something about you, that the lady may *sigh* and or run? ... I would disclose it as soon as possible. Why be accepted, just to be rejected?

If it is something in particular about a woman that you know you couldn't be with her if she for example, took drugs, or smoked or had three eyes... then you can feel out potential partners for that flaw.If you don't see it..then nothing needs to be said.

It is hard to answer your post with out any information.
 Smarts and Heart
Joined: 12/15/2009
Msg: 8
Best ways to bring up sensitive dealbreakers?
Posted: 4/29/2011 6:12:05 AM
So what comes between a 1st e-mail and a 1st date? Maybe a 2nd, 3rd or 4th e-mail, or the 1st or 2nd phone call? Take your pick!

Everyone hates to waste their time with dead ends. Your dealbreakers are obviously important to you, so bring them up ASAP. Isn't logic so simple....it's like 1+1 it always =2!
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 9
Best ways to bring up sensitive dealbreakers?
Posted: 4/29/2011 6:21:25 AM
Without knowing what it is, I cannot offer any suggestions on how to bring it up.
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 10
Best ways to bring up sensitive dealbreakers?
Posted: 4/29/2011 6:23:42 AM
^^^ That's what I was thinking.
 DrummingNut
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 11
Best ways to bring up sensitive dealbreakers?
Posted: 4/29/2011 6:33:53 AM

I've already found out that for me the first email is too early, and the first date is too late.
Then put it in the 2-4th email.
What's so hard to figure out about that?
If it's something that has always crashed the first date then it must be something you really should mention in one of your emails or phone before going through with a date.
 druminky
Joined: 8/10/2009
Msg: 12
Best ways to bring up sensitive dealbreakers?
Posted: 4/29/2011 6:41:18 AM
This can be a tricky subject.

When I used to read profiles that had lots of dealbreakers listed, even if they didn't apply whatsoever to me, I tended to move on. They kind of got put in the same category as the profiles where there was a lot of complaining or criticism - they had a similar tone of unresolved anger or baggage. However, profiles with one or two "can't stands," put in a respectful manner, seemed just fine with me. There is a difference between "I have no desire to ever watch a football game, so please don't ask" and "I can't stand men with hairy faces! ewwww!"

If your dealbreaker is a common categorical one - such as you don't want to date a woman with kids, or someone is devoutly religious or atheist, etc., then you need to put it in your profile, and just deal. You will save a lot of time that way.
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 13
Best ways to bring up sensitive dealbreakers?
Posted: 4/29/2011 6:48:59 AM

What do you think is the best time and method to bring up the topic of dealbreakers


IF your goal is to find someONE compatible, go ahead and make our day by putting it in your profile for best filtering results..

IF you are talking polyamory or some such minority preference, then sooner the better by first FEW emails..

Inquiring minds want to know what it IS.. Reveal soon or Forumites will speculate and imagine IT to be much worse than you think it is now...
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 14
view profile
History
Best ways to bring up sensitive dealbreakers?
Posted: 4/29/2011 7:07:17 AM
It needs to be in your profile. Any deal breaker that is so black and white to you needs to be spelled out clearly.
If you won't date a virgin, non-virgin, single Mom, someone outside your race, inside your race, someone who smokes, doesn't smoke, tall, short, religious, non religious, fat, skinny, blond, brunette, overly educated, illiterate or bald, would it be far easier to just spell it out????
You are 31 and have never had a relationship that lasted a year, there must be a lot of deal breakers for you.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 15
Best ways to bring up sensitive dealbreakers?
Posted: 4/29/2011 7:13:12 AM
If it's that important. More the reason to be upfront and get it over with. If is something about you. Spell it out. All you will then do is postpone the inevitable. If it's about them. Same thing.
 sukkatash
Joined: 3/27/2011
Msg: 16
Best ways to bring up sensitive dealbreakers?
Posted: 4/29/2011 8:02:25 AM

what are your experiences with this sort of thing, from either side?

My experience with their dealbreakers is usually never hearing about them.
Usually I just get the "sorry, not compatible/a match," or, "too busy at work, not over my ex, not ready," or something like "just not feeling it, let's be friends."

My experience with my own dealbreakers is to usually do the same.

When I use(d) online dating I did not come here looking for perfect compatibility or immediate commitment or a guarantee for a future relationship goal.
I would prefer to use my profile as something to start a conversation rather than as a filter.

That's just me though.

I am totally comfortable not assuming the worst and have no problem just going on dates. Simply accepting or asking out on a date is not a commitment towards building some sort of magic relationship, to me at least.

If it's blatant on their profile I probably won't contact them. i.e. tattoos are their life, they are planning to get more, they are into that "lifestyle," and that's all that's on their profile. I don't like tattoos, they turn me off, couldn't care less about the "lifestyle," profile doesn't interest me or make me want to talk to them.

If they feel strongly about contacting me, and want to date me, then I will bring it up immediately and ask them about it and share my feelings. I may still go on a date with them, as maybe I'm wrong, maybe I won't see them the same way as I think I will, maybe personality and attraction will make it seem not so important.
A date or a few are not a waste of my time, as I can end it at any time.

If I find out later and because of it I don't want to date them, I will simply say I don't want to date them anymore.
Whether it's a "dealbreaker" or simply incompatible or any reason.
IMO no one is owed an explanation why, they are simply owed knowing you made a decision.

I'm more comfortable rejecting someone than trying to hand a list to someone and tell them to reject themselves.
 kayla1963
Joined: 4/1/2011
Msg: 17
Best ways to bring up sensitive dealbreakers?
Posted: 4/29/2011 8:04:46 AM
If it is THAT important, why not hire a concierge service to conduct the first meet and greet?
You could provide them with a sealed envelope that has the "dealbreaker" enclosed. They would present it to him/her and wait for the reaction. If she screams, vomits, or dials 911, I guess you can give up on her wanting to date you!

Another option is to send a singing telegram (though she may be apprehensive about revealing her address). They would be trumpeting at her front door a little ditty that the neighborhood may enjoy. Something like "If this ain't true, I'll eat my hat. I just can't seem to get off without some scat!"

Otherwise, you can hire a banner plane to fly overhead with the phrase "Suzi, will you diaper me? Signed - baby boy."

Those are just a couple of ideas. There must be a website called "ideas for inviting her to prom" that you could leverage to your advantage. Good luck!



Forumites will speculate and imagine IT to be much worse than you think it is now.

heehee!
 valenciacityx
Joined: 3/10/2009
Msg: 18
Best ways to bring up sensitive dealbreakers?
Posted: 4/29/2011 8:20:59 AM
It used to be in the profile. but if they failed to read it, or thought that it didnt apply to them, then it was dropped on date two, date three at the latest.

We aint ever getting married
We are never having kids
These are non negotionable. Doesnt much more deal breaky than that. But there are girls with will go for it, you just have to find them like searching for a gold spike in a mountain range. After 17 years, the last one wanted kids, I am happy she is off somewhere being a mother. Good for her, it Is NEVER what I wanted.
 Snappy_Turtle
Joined: 2/27/2011
Msg: 19
Best ways to bring up sensitive dealbreakers?
Posted: 4/29/2011 9:21:07 AM
OP,
I've been on the receiving end, more than just once, of sensitive information that the guy knew could very well be a deal-breaker.

Both were on the first date.
One situation, I could live with (the relationship lasted a year) and the other for me was unliveable, but I admired him for trying.

I didn't feel misled, betrayed, or any other big-deal let-down because they waited til the first meet.

Maybe you're corresponding a little too long between first email and first meet, giving time for big buildups, or for "feelings" to develop based on imagination, which is a real bad idea in even the most ideal dating situation.

There was a POF poster last year who wrote the most movingly romantic post about meeting his wife for the first time (through POF I believe). She had told him in many indirect ways about a physical limitation that he didn't pick up on, even after the first date. By the time he realized what she meant by what she'd said, he was so charmed it was not a deal breaker.

I don't advocate dishonesty. But I think people who postpone revelations until the in-person meet, are hoping to close a deal in person that they know could never happen on line because they'd've been screened out.
 kayla1963
Joined: 4/1/2011
Msg: 20
Best ways to bring up sensitive dealbreakers?
Posted: 4/29/2011 9:22:19 AM
MUST HAVE FRONT TEETH. Don't have to even be real


Holy Cow! I see you actually DO have that listed in your profile!

yeah - I forgot ... My deal breaker is: must have running water and know how to use it. No more unabomber types for me!


Well, I can tell you its a combination of a unique biological fact and the implications thereof. The biological part seems to be well accepted or even exciting to most women, but the reality of its implications scares a lot of them off after a while.

I'm still not sure about coming out with it publicly, because I'd get a lot of "that's not even a problem" reactions, when it can be a significant problem.


Flatulence is really not a "unique" biological fact. All creatures that employ digestive enzymes during the processing of food will have this problem. The women who are excited by this are the ones you should seek!

If you are a hermaphrodite, just make sure you agree who will bear the kids!
Haha!
 bobdoor
Joined: 6/28/2009
Msg: 21
Best ways to bring up sensitive dealbreakers?
Posted: 4/29/2011 9:46:11 AM
Well, I can tell you its a combination of a unique biological fact and the implications thereof. The biological part seems to be well accepted or even exciting to most women, but the reality of its implications scares a lot of them off after a while.

I'm still not sure about coming out with it publicly, because I'd get a lot of "that's not even a problem" reactions, when it can be a significant problem.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 22
Best ways to bring up sensitive dealbreakers?
Posted: 4/29/2011 9:51:25 AM
Dude, are you diabetic? Have some condition? Are missing a limb? The middle limb?

Sound to me that the real issues is your confidence and how you think you're perceived because of that. In the end, if they find out and they dumb you, why even bother with the wasted time before they find out.

Take for instance the people that have had cancer. Many of them are upfront. Even though it is no longer affecting their lives, yet it managed to completely change their outlook on life.
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 23
Best ways to bring up sensitive dealbreakers?
Posted: 4/29/2011 10:13:46 AM
its a combination of a unique biological fact and the implications thereof. The biological part seems to be well accepted or even exciting to most women


Ok son, send them a picture for clarification if it's that BIG a deal.. Most of the rest of us don't really care to know anymore..
 kayla1963
Joined: 4/1/2011
Msg: 24
Best ways to bring up sensitive dealbreakers?
Posted: 4/29/2011 10:19:39 AM
See dude? This is what is known as a troll/ billboarding thread. You are here to advertise your dilemma when you know the answer. You say that the first email is too soon and the first date is too late. What are your options? Duh?

It was fun making crap up for awhile, but I bet you think you have a "bigger" problem than you do!

Good luck!


Has boobs.


I know of a guy who had a corset fetish and supposedly had implants so that he could model for himself in the mirror!

Heehee!

OP - maybe you could get implants to balance out your disproportionate CG!
 ChillinChill
Joined: 10/2/2010
Msg: 25
Best ways to bring up sensitive dealbreakers?
Posted: 4/29/2011 10:58:19 AM
""Well, I can tell you its a combination of a unique biological fact and the implications thereof. The biological part seems to be well accepted or even exciting to most women, but the reality of its implications scares a lot of them off after a while.""

Don't tell.. I guessed it. You have a 12"penis. It is no longer a penis, it is now a foot.
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