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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > How do we deal with transition?      Home login  
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 RubyWaxxx
Joined: 10/23/2010
Msg: 1
How do we deal with transition?Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Just watched Maria Shriver's youtube plea for advice on transitioning from a 25-year marriage to singledom.
This question has consumed me for a while - not so much on how to live a single life, but transitioning from active middle-age to old age.
What is the point of old age? Do we peak and then spend the rest of our lives in slow physical and intellectual decline? Are there any surprises left or is it just the same old, same old until we reach the end? How do we keep our lives relevant?
I think it's different for couples. They have each other for company and support, but what about single old people? What do they do each night?
I don't want to make finding a partner my life's goal. I don't want to be relevant only as a mother or grandmother. There's got to be more to it than this...what do you think?
 Snappy_Turtle
Joined: 2/27/2011
Msg: 2
How do we deal with transition?
Posted: 5/10/2011 2:58:02 PM
OP, I promise you,
It's not my intent to trivialize with platitudes -- but -- I sympathize. I had already vividly visualized my elderly singleness, planned it out, and made my peace with it, shortly before I unexpectedly met the S/O.

I envisioned an ugly ending (alone on the floor at home, or alone in a hospital bed) and that has not changed. I still kinda mostly do picture that since we all do die alone no matter how many are in the room at the time.

On a cheerier note -- I look at people 80 and upwards and no matter how clean they've lived or how youthful their attitude -- it's winding down.

So I picture myself at that age. Imagine what my regrets are likely to be then, if I keep going like I am now. Then I picture rewinding to the current age and today is my bright and shiny, all new re-do.

Modern music fans question if Bob Dylan is relevant. Do you imagine he despairs about that? To me he appears to keep pleasing himself just as he's always done.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 3
How do we deal with transition?
Posted: 5/10/2011 3:07:59 PM
The problem you have is that the Baby boom, or shall I say the post baby boom, that generation in transition to the next big one Generation X, has not come to terms, like other generations did with aging.
So we are not doing a good job at accepting age, because the ones that are a little older are also refusing to be considered old. Most of my contemporaries, run with regularity, cycle, dance and are very active.
 motown cowgirl
Joined: 6/30/2010
Msg: 4
How do we deal with transition?
Posted: 5/10/2011 3:09:49 PM
oh FFS, what is shriver doing putting up a youtube video about her personal problems? what an attention whore. what's next, will she ask us to diagnose her health by reviewing pictures of her bowel movements? that family's got more money than god but she needs to go out and ask her public what she should do. put a sock in it, shriver.

my advice for transitioning from marriage to singledom is like nike... just DO it. life goes on, and the sky is not actually falling. gawd i couldn't WAIT to get out of my marriage. yes, it seemed very daunting at the time based on certain particulars even though i wanted OUT.... i say feel the fear and do it anyway.

as for transitioning to old age, i heard an interesting discussion about this on the radio just yesterday. some of the people who called in were really cool.... retired folks who were running their first triathalons, starting a new business, or whatever. a few didn't have anything to do and felt like they were set adrift. the rest were excited to be where they are at this moment and they said they had more going for them now than when they were younger.

it's all about the choices you want to make. at the age of 70 my mother decided to quit smoking and now she works out every day and she's got men quite a bit younger wanting to meet her. people started noticing her muscles, and she gets more action than i do at this point, lol. in my travels, i've met people who chose to pine over their long-lost days in high school and think the best they ever were is far behind them. how pathetic is that? it's like get fat and sick on a lifetime of eating junk, NEVER pick up a book, NEVER question your own beliefs, and waddle on over to the harley for for a ride down to the corner bar 2 days a week to watch the game, ugh.... useless eaters. they sit around taking up space and waiting to die, and then they wonder where their lives went.

i do think about certain aspects of growing older like where is my 101k these days. otherwise, i've been alone for a while, and since i enjoy my own company there are no particular concerns about what i'm going do with myself at night. as a matter of fact, at this point i think i prefer being alone (although i'm certainly open to being persuaded otherwise... maybe!... i kinda doubt it though).

look at what goes on in these forums every day, nonstop..... 95% of the people here are either in anxiety about the relationship they lost, OR they are in anxiety about the relationship they've already got, and the rest are in anxiety about the relationship they've merely fantasized! guess what they are EXACTLY like everybody else out there except they know where to find the POF forums. if that isn't proof enough that relationships are overrated, then i don't know what will ever convince you.

the world is a BIG place full of FUN and INTERESTING stuff and people, and life doesn't really care how old you are. so i can't imagine why people keep wanting to frame their own sense of happiness and emotional fulfillment in terms of this mythical "other".
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 5
How do we deal with transition?
Posted: 5/10/2011 3:10:32 PM
transitioning from active middle-age to old age.
What is the point of old age?

Well, I would say it is better than the only current alternative..
You can try taking much telomerase or Resveratrol and plenty of vitamins.. I'm doing the latter and exercising..

Do we peak and then spend the rest of our lives in slow physical and intellectual decline?

Some have peaked already at 40, not me, I peaked at 50 on Mt. Whitney 14,600 ft high..


Are there any surprises left or is it just the same old, same old until we reach the end? How do we keep our lives relevant?

Now THAT is not just for older folks, that is part of the universal quest for the meaning of life, the search for the answer to the ultimate question!


I don't want to make finding a partner my life's goal. I don't want to be relevant only as a mother or grandmother. There's got to be more to it than this...what do you think?

I think you've got a good 30 more years left if you eat healthy and exercise regularly, so it is pretty much your choice how you live them.. IF you are here looking for an SO just like most of us social creatures, achieving that goal may help you and your partner with some of those ultimate questions..


The question was asked: but if you do, you won't know what happens.
The thing is with old age is that we DO know what happens.

Those that think they know everything, sometimes annoy those of us who DO !
I know what the answer to life, the universe, and everything IS... 42

 RubyWaxxx
Joined: 10/23/2010
Msg: 6
How do we deal with transition?
Posted: 5/10/2011 3:22:18 PM
Well, I would say it is better than the only current alternative

Is it? Why?
The thought of being old, with all the ailments that come with old age (and they come, no matter how much excerise or supplements or surgery)..watching my friends die, watching myself become increasingly irrelevant...yuck. Scary...
I remember reading a book on the Holocaust and a woman in a camp was saying she wanted to kill herself. The question was asked: but if you do, you won't know what happens.
The thing is with old age is that we DO know what happens.
I'm not saying I'm suicidal. I'm not depressed. I'm still relatively happy. I just wonder what my goals should be now..
Tall: it had occured to me that the age-old question of "why are we here" makes more sense to me now than it ever did.
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 7
How do we deal with transition?
Posted: 5/10/2011 3:45:47 PM
I'm still relatively happy. I just wonder what my goals should be now..


There are plenty of people/cults/religions out there willing to tell you... Peace on Earth..
( After we vanquish Al Qaeda, reduce all nuclear weapons arsenals and stop proliferation...)

We could start a movement ourselves, call it the Enlightened Forumites Guide to Life Worth Living
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 8
How do we deal with transition?
Posted: 5/10/2011 4:12:24 PM
Do we peak and then spend the rest of our lives in slow physical and intellectual decline?

Most people seem to let that happen, but it's a choice.

Are there any surprises left or is it just the same old, same old until we reach the end?

That depends on you. If you prefer security over risks, then you'll pretty much just exist in whatever comfort you've provided for. I was pretty surprised at meeting my fiancee. I had just assumed I'd be single my whole life and was happy being single.

How do we keep our lives relevant?

Associate with younger people who haven't lost their sense of idealism. Younger people are less of afraid of living life.

I don't want to make finding a partner my life's goal. I don't want to be relevant only as a mother or grandmother. There's got to be more to it than this...what do you think?

There is if you aren't afraid of making mistakes. Learn to be happy being by yourself. Just say f*ck it and go do something you've wanted to do but didn't because you were afraid to do it or would have felt guilty for appearing irresponsible. Take pride in people calling you immature for your age. Do what you did when you were younger and you found life more exciting. You have the advantage of knowing more so being irresponsible is more fun.

The thing is with old age is that we DO know what happens.

Well, yeah. Eventually you die. That's a good reason to not waste the time you have left waiting to die.

it had occured to me that the age-old question of "why are we here" makes more sense to me now than it ever did.

I'm an athiest, so asking that question makes no sense to me. I am here and I want to enjoy the time I get to be here.
 URXO2
Joined: 8/27/2009
Msg: 9
view profile
History
How do we deal with transition?
Posted: 5/10/2011 4:29:25 PM
RubyWaxxx wrote:


Just watched Maria Shriver's youtube plea for advice on transitioning from a 25-year marriage to singledom. This question has consumed me for a while - not so much on how to live a single life, but transitioning from active middle-age to old age.

It would seem Maria Shriver's life has been changed, don't you just love it when someone you thought you knew pulls the rug out from under you..Strictly guessing here, but since Shriver's reaching out looking for transition help she didn't have this planned and Arnold gave her a surprise Mothers day gift, the big adios..
That's one of the benefits of being single no one to give you any big unexpected surprises after 25 years together...
Ruby, we all have those thoughts about being alone on our death beds, lonely shut-ins failing heath, all we can hope for is to tip over quick..until then lets party:)
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 10
How do we deal with transition?
Posted: 5/10/2011 4:40:53 PM

I just wonder what my goals should be now..


If you look at this statement, you will find the answer in it. And that is, have a goal. Look at something you like, something that fills you with joy. As Joseph Campbell used to call it "follow your bliss" and pursue that. If that goal is to do a marathon, be it. If it is to paint, be it. If it is to write a children's book or a recipe book, or put the genealogy of your whole family, be it.
In reality in about a year, many of the tissues, chemicals, fluids, minerals that make you will be completely recycled. Eventually what came from the earth will go back to the earth, but I believe that your energy, the essence of you persist. What is important is not whether you believe that or not, but that you believe that there's more to you, to your humanity than just to wait to die.

So again

Have a goal. Follow your bliss.
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 11
How do we deal with transition?
Posted: 5/10/2011 4:42:54 PM
Really ... I never new they split.
But then, I don't listen to the news or watch TV.
I find it odd that someone would do that, and thanks motown, that was a great read.


What is the point of old age?


Good question.
I find that aging is providing me with a lot of peace.
More smarts, more common sense, and time I can finally spend on me.
I like getting older.
Beats getting younger.


Do we peak and then spend the rest of our lives in slow physical and intellectual decline?


I am peaking now.
I don't intend to decline.
There is so much to see, do and learn.
I never really enjoyed myself when I was younger, as there were always so many responsibilities.
Now is sheer freedom.


Are there any surprises left or is it just the same old, same old until we reach the end?


Of course there are.
You have to want to find them.


How do we keep our lives relevant?


By living it.
We keep our lives relevant by enjoying ourselves, families, kids, grandchildren, so that they will remember us with utter fondness.


I think it's different for couples. They have each other for company and support, but what about single old people?


Oh I don't know about that one.
I just came back from having tea with my married girlfriend.
Life is not always so happy for the married folk.
They struggle through the different stages of life.
Some feel responsible for the others happiness, that they loose track of their own.


What do they do each night?


Some are just as lonely, just in other rooms.


I don't want to make finding a partner my life's goal. I don't want to be relevant only as a mother or grandmother. There's got to be more to it than this...what do you think?


There is A LOT more.
At this stage I do what makes me happy.
And there is so much to do!
This weekend I have lessons on how to ride a motorcycle, and then I purchase one.
You do what makes YOU happy.

I used to think that life would not go on unless there was someone in my life.
Now I fully understand that it is me who makes me happy.
And I like it that way.
 forumfishie
Joined: 9/17/2009
Msg: 12
How do we deal with transition?
Posted: 5/10/2011 6:04:25 PM
Maria will be fine
Better now that doesn't have Arnold telling her
what to wear, making dietary demands and womanizing behind her back.

She comes from a wealthy family, she'll have plenty of money to take care of herself and the kids , still looks good for her age and she is friends with te big O, Oprah, will talk to her on her dark hours.
So, don't worry about her so much, she'll be just FINE!

You can end up dead on the kitchen floor alone either if you are single or married
the only difference is that you'll be more rested if you are single, since you only have to take care of yourself.

There is life alert and other services single older people can use and have families and friends too.

Just work in enjoying your own company and don't worry so much about dying alone
we all do die alone in a way, don't we?

I know married couples that can't stand each other and have absolutely NOTHING to say to each other even if they are in the same room but they stay together because as bad as it is, it would be worse to be alone.
Because that is what you learn from your parents, you HAVE to be with someone.
Better alone than in bad company


 shakeitupbaby2012
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 13
How do we deal with transition?
Posted: 5/10/2011 6:06:47 PM
I think it's always good to have ultra positive role models and friends. I'm both fortunate and blessed to say that my folks are my role models on love, life, aging gracefully, making a difference, etc.
We talk about what aging is like in brief bits- always keeping things real.
I feel that although we generally tend to decline as we age that we can still be as active- perhaps in different ways,
We can still be part of the human equation and contribute to ourselves, our families and to society. Take Edward Teller, physicist. Ok- not the best example since he was the father of the H bomb, but I believe he lived to be 95 and was instrumental in the Star Wars program and many other scientific pursuits.
The key is to find things that you're passionate about and explore them. I went back to college when my kids left home and studied art/ art history- obtained another degree and have been producing art ever since. Ive always been interested in archeology- joined the Texas Society of Archeologists. I'm am avocational and have been
On digs in 3 countries and all over the Southern States.
Get out and p-l-a-y and rediscover JOY. Live a joy filled life. :)))))

It's good to be self sufficient and strong on your own, but stay connected to friends and family . I just moved and I didn't know a souls around here. I've been getting out and doing different things and meeting new people-- who lend new perspectives on
Life, etc.
Try new things - find some things you're passionate about and start an interesting journey.
Share it with others and see it with the fresh eyes of someone who's learning about it.
Volunteer and see that there are many who have it much worse and count your blessings. Then help
Where you can and where you choose to help.

Vvv Motown: I'll send in help if I don't see you around - message me your emergency numbers ;)
 motown cowgirl
Joined: 6/30/2010
Msg: 14
How do we deal with transition?
Posted: 5/10/2011 6:10:58 PM
You can end up dead on the kitchen floor alone either if you are single or married the only difference is that you'll be more rested if you are single, since you only have to take care of yourself.


heh, sounds like a plan. hey spider macgyver, i know you're fond of threatening to kill me 'n stuff, but will you send the knackers around to check on me if i don't post for 3 or 4 days or something?
 RubyWaxxx
Joined: 10/23/2010
Msg: 15
How do we deal with transition?
Posted: 5/10/2011 7:49:11 PM
It had occured to me that the age-old question of "why are we here" makes more sense to me now than it ever did.

I'm an athiest, so asking that question makes no sense to me. I am here and I want to enjoy the time I get to be here.

I'm an atheist too (well, agnostic - I'm taking a two-way bet). I don't see this as religious-based, but more a philosophical question.
And I couldn't care less about dying alone, being eaten by my dog or anything that happens afterwards. It's the lead-up that worries me!
I understand it's all about the effort you put in; I understand it's all about setting yourself new challenges. I guess I'm wondering what is left to learn, in some ways.
 WalksOnWater2
Joined: 5/19/2009
Msg: 16
How do we deal with transition?
Posted: 5/10/2011 9:19:33 PM
When I got divorced I noticed that the sun still came up in the morning from the same spot (pretty much) and I still had to go to work daily, if I still liked to see my paycheck.

I guess Striver still will have to go shopping.

When we get really old, life will be same as now, only we'll not have to work that much.
Then we will have more time to do all the things that now wait to be done after work, and the things we really enjoy. Yes, we'll be slower, which is alright since we 'll have more time for everything.

As for dying on the kitchen floor, bed, hospital, while taking a sh.. etc., well, sorry, but that's a mess we will not have to clean.

And if I'm good and dead, the floor is as comfortable a place as anything else.



 Snappy_Turtle
Joined: 2/27/2011
Msg: 17
How do we deal with transition?
Posted: 5/11/2011 6:32:05 AM
Left to learn, OP?
Only everything. Learn fencing. Ballet. Become fluent in portugeuse. Is there any daring dream still unchecked on your list, one which makes your heart rate pick up to think of trying it?

There's a guy used to hang around POF who I hear is starting a walk across America.

Do all that stuff and report back to me, I'd enjoy hearing, am too busy right now (trying to address the things happening), to do them myself. But planning to get into some new things the second I retire, to try to convert thinking about it as the countdown to death, into thinking of it as my last chance to pleasure myself in this life.

In between beers, and activities of giving back to the community of course !!

p.s. 3 or 4 days, my eye. I get anxious if I have to go without you more than about a half hour.
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 18
view profile
History
How do we deal with transition?
Posted: 5/11/2011 6:47:31 AM
Most people don't fall into a situation of long term illness and decline. That is about 10% of the population, and these days we are flooded with all kinds of statistics about how even a minimal effort at exercise will pretty much stave off the atrophication of muscles and the mind. If its some kind of genetic thing, then worries may be somewhat justified, but usually there are methods of mitigation even in these cases.

Old age is late 90s for women, early 90s for men, at least up this way. It may be premature to become worried about old age at this point in life.

If you really want to get a good idea of what is going to happen when you reach the formal end of the working for a living phase of life, have a look at you children as they end the education phase of life. They flop around like fish out of water for a while, then they start trying stuff, find something they like, and take off on a lifetime of working, or at least 30 or 40 years of working.

People in the over 45 set are the mainstream of the population in most places in the developed world, and will continue to be so for the next 40 to 50 years. There will be lots of others to live life with, should you so choose. If you have your health, and are socially motivated, you will have the life you choose and like for decades. The only drawback is that it will require that you build it, as you did several times in the past. If you want to, you will be able to continue working until you drop dead.
 Janet_Always
Joined: 12/7/2010
Msg: 19
How do we deal with transition?
Posted: 5/11/2011 8:13:09 AM
No one knows how long they will be alive. You may never have the chance to wonder about "winding down".

All we have is today -- and I suspect more than wondering about your future, you may not be too happy in the present. The task for being relevant today is what you should focus on.
 RubyWaxxx
Joined: 10/23/2010
Msg: 20
How do we deal with transition?
Posted: 5/11/2011 2:20:18 PM
^^oh, I'm relevant today. I'm needed at work (fulltime) and at home and outside the home, as well...
I'm not depressed at all and I'm not asking for pity - just turning 55 next week has made me look seriously into the future and..yuck..
I guess it's all part of the human condition.
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 21
How do we deal with transition?
Posted: 5/11/2011 2:30:37 PM
just turning 55 next week has made me look seriously into the future and..yuck..


The future! You mean we WILL actually be here by next year?

You know how great it is to have fun things planned to look forward to? Write some upcoming fun events on you calendar and plan to DO something specially fun for your birthday with your close friends or family..
Wish the Happy Forumites were all there to help you celebrate!

HAVE A HAPPY BIRTHDAY - - and tell us all the details..
 Seakytten
Joined: 10/2/2010
Msg: 22
How do we deal with transition?
Posted: 5/11/2011 3:06:53 PM
Being single for 27 years myself it's hard for me to imagine being WITH someone for 25 years. I'm middle aged as well and when I think of getting older myself (with no kids), I wonder who's going to give me my 14 daily doses of medication? My cats??

Right now though, I plan to live life to its fullest without worrying about tomorrow or whether I'll be married down the road...that dead end is a lot closer now than it was 10 years ago but I just can't worry about it. I've noticed that my long-term memory is slowly going and I've lost so many things lately that I put in a 'safe' place as to not forget where they were. What I mostly worry about is dropping dead in my apartment, no one finding me for days and when they DO, they find only part of a torso with 6 cats licking their chops.

I guess transition is like anything else..it's change and change is inevitable. I may have to change some of my habits as I'm growing older but what's the alternative? I'm not going to rush into a relationship just to have someone to grow old with. Right now my attitude is to enjoy every day as if it's my last and to start crossing off those items on my 'bucket list.' The rest will hopefully take care of itself. *shrug*

Kytten
 RubyWaxxx
Joined: 10/23/2010
Msg: 23
How do we deal with transition?
Posted: 5/11/2011 3:34:11 PM
thanks again, everyone, and thanks Tall for the birthday wishes!
I just made a mental list of what's happening in the next two months and that cheered me up straight away - and made me temporarily forget my doomsday scenarios.
So ..great idea! "live for today" is my new motto..lol..
 daffie
Joined: 5/21/2010
Msg: 24
view profile
History
How do we deal with transition?
Posted: 5/11/2011 4:12:03 PM
pooooooooooooof!
turning 55? it's just another day honey.
(when you're sunning yourself on a beach in bali you can reflect on how good life is)...

or how bad it could have been if you'd made different choices along the way...
like, ah, ummmm...?
 Moonchild51
Joined: 3/11/2007
Msg: 25
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How do we deal with transition?
Posted: 5/11/2011 4:38:14 PM
My dearest darlin sweetie? I wouldn't spend any time worrying about age. It is going to happen no matter what you do right? I actually look better now than I did 20 years ago...marriage aged me I think! lol...I am having fun, working, socializing and just being me. Whatever is meant for us will be darlin, plain an simple! You are a hottie, great personality, smart, people love you...think of it this way? Pondering old age takes away the minutes of today when you could be doing something that makes ya happy! Luv you!
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