Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > She's "Unsure" about what she wants...      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 mercurial_one
Joined: 11/4/2009
Msg: 1
She's "Unsure" about what she wants...Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Hey all,

Just started seeing this girl about a month ago, we've managed to hit it off quite well, and managed to spend a few nights together. As she lives about 45 minutes away, we've scheduled our dates for weekends for the most part. After this past weekend, we talked and she said that while she was okay with me seeing other girls, asked that I remain only intimate with her. Oh, and adding to the equation, she was my "first time".

Anyhow, after hearing about how she had a rough day or two, we talked and yesterday she mentioned that an ex e-mailed her, which upset her for the whole day. Evidently he had an "epiphany' and wanted to get back together and show how he is a changed man. I asked if she wanted to see him again, she said no. We planned to see each other on Friday, with me taking the hour or so drive over.

Today we playfully texted a bit for a while, until she mentioned that she need to be full disclosure - the ex showed up at her place this morning. They talked and he gave her a brown-painted Elvis bust (she's a big Elvis fan, and the ex like me is of East Indian origin). Tried calling her only to receive her voicemail. A little later I texted to ask whether she'd prefer that I rather not visit. Her response?
"I guess I thought you should decide for yourself whether you wanted to come here because I have no idea what I want myself."

My instincts tell me this is perhaps a nice means for her to try and say she doesn't want to see me, but am not so sure. Thought I'd perhaps garner the opines of the POF world as to whether this is indeed the case. As much as I'd like to see her, I'd rather it not be one where I get the "I need to be honest" spiel - I'd rather save the gas money :P

Thanks in advance for your thoughts!
 jmy2x
Joined: 1/4/2011
Msg: 2
She's Unsure about what she wants...
Posted: 5/19/2011 9:03:59 PM
She was your "first time" at age 29, and you're worried about gas money??? Dude, go fight for her.
 AintNoDeal
Joined: 2/3/2010
Msg: 3
She's Unsure about what she wants...
Posted: 5/19/2011 9:14:44 PM
She's dizzy. DIZZY!!! She told that whole story about the Ex as an easy out in case the both of you knocked heads. She likes the attention from both of you, and is likely having sex with both. She tells herself that by spilling all the intimate details to each of you about the other, she is being "honest". Well....OK. She wants attention, dude.

You need to decide what YOU want. Unless you have some kind of covenant that requires you to stay with her FOREVER because she was your first, then that detail is worthless. Tuck the experience in your memory, tag it with a smile, and move on.

So -- Decide if you think it's worth your gas money and time to get sloppy seconds and see a pile of gifts from Elvis the Persian or if it totally sucks to be the #2 guy. Guess what, you are BOTH the #2 guy -- she has no #1 except the guy who's sweating over her at the moment.

You can continue your fun, but don't expect her to be exclusive.
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 4
She's Unsure about what she wants...
Posted: 5/19/2011 9:23:01 PM
^^^^
she's not over the ex,
but shouldn't go back to him.

So I agree with msg 2. fight for her if you like her.
cus if you are her first,
you mean more to her than he did.
(More proof us guys are dense....that you just didn't get that.)

good luck.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 5
She's Unsure about what she wants...
Posted: 5/19/2011 10:06:59 PM

My instincts tell me this is perhaps a nice means for her to try and say she doesn't want to see me, but am not so sure.

Or perhaps she needs a little help making the decision. Her ex has been around for a while, so she knows what he's like. Although he left, he did come back. You are new. If she picks you at the expense of the ex, she'll be sol if you bail out 3 days later. If you really want to keep dating her and you have no reservations about what might have transpired between her and her ex when he showed up, go after her and tell her make a choice, you or the ex. If she picks the ex, say goodbye, go home and move on. If she picks you tell her lose the ex once and for all. If she can't make up her mind (or lose the ex), make the decision for her. Say goodby, go home, and move on. Getting into a relationship with built in drama potential isn't worth it.
 magicallaroundme
Joined: 3/9/2011
Msg: 6
She's Unsure about what she wants...
Posted: 5/20/2011 4:44:44 AM
No idea what she wants my exalted frenulum! She wants both you and her ex simultaneously.

Unless you like the idea of tasting the other guy's spunk every time you kiss her then back away. He was there first and he isn't finished yet. Wait your turn.
 Cdn_Iceman
Joined: 12/1/2010
Msg: 7
She's Unsure about what she wants...
Posted: 5/20/2011 9:21:29 AM
Doesn't sound like she's over the ex, there is a old saying

" never make someone a priority that makes you a option, you're her option not her priority", I know some people will tell you that you should fight for her and sometimes that makes sense but if she still pinning over the ex or has unresolved feelings its time to kick her to the curb and move on.

Find someone who is completely over their ex and is ready to start a relationship not someone who is trying to date to get over their ex
 scottey63
Joined: 3/8/2008
Msg: 8
view profile
History
She's Unsure about what she wants...
Posted: 5/20/2011 10:36:30 AM
She's sure of what she wants. Unfortunately, it's not you. Move on.
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 9
She's Unsure about what she wants...
Posted: 5/20/2011 4:06:21 PM
well, i was gonna say that not knowing what you want after only a month is pretty much normal, but then when you dropped the "he gave her a brown-painted Elvis bust" BOMBSHELL i about choked. because what normal, intelligent woman in right mind could resist such a clever ploy, i ask you.

now you will need to go out and find the biggest, glittery-est, most awesomest Elvis bust you can find... and it must not be brown. spare no expense! this is your immediate task if you want any chance at all.


Gold.. women love gold right? And diamonds. He needs to run out and buy her the biggest full-sized Elvis statue (not just a bust) dressed in a gold-lame outfit encrusted with diamonds. Then he'll definitely "come out on top"!

In general, when a woman says she's "not sure what she wants" - its a good bet (in my experience) that its *not you*.
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 10
She's Unsure about what she wants...
Posted: 5/21/2011 5:01:11 AM
When someone tells you they dont know what they want it is really saying I know I dont want you but Im afraid to actually make that choice because I like having the choice.

She is spending time with her ex. Bad sign.

Even if he is doing all the campaigning, she lets him inside to hear his speeches and accept his gift. She is playing along.

If I were you Id tell her to give you a call when she is single in mind, spirit and body. Otherwise you will get caught up in some competition...unless thats your thing?
 valenciacityx
Joined: 3/10/2009
Msg: 12
She's Unsure about what she wants...
Posted: 5/23/2011 12:09:07 AM
all this time, I should have known !
A bust of Elvis is the sure way to a girls heart. damnit.
I will share that knowledge with my nephew, maybe he can use it preemptively in his youth.
 NotElvisJunior
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 13
view profile
History
She's Unsure about what she wants...
Posted: 5/23/2011 5:06:48 PM
I'm not answering this one JUST because my screen name has a bit to do with the content of the OP's post, but...

mercurial_one wrote:



we talked and she said that while she was okay with me seeing other girls, asked that I remain only intimate with her.
...
"...because I have no idea what I want myself."


I see this as selfish game-playing. Call me a cynic, but she effectively seems to have said that you must be exclusive, at least sexually, to her... but it appears that she isn't quite willing to make that a two-way street.

Ok, I don't know if she's been intimate with the ex or not... but it sounds an awful lot like 2 sets of standards are being developed.

I'm not sure, though.

In any case, my view is that all bets are off. And, again, may be the cynic in me, but play along with her if you like, but since she is clearly keeping her options open - you MUST do the same.

And to somewhat paraphrase (and mangle) Cdn_Iceman's quote above - until she is willing to make you a priority, you should not make her a priority.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 14
She's Unsure about what she wants...
Posted: 5/23/2011 9:08:55 PM

Call me a cynic, but she effectively seems to have said that you must be exclusive, at least sexually, to her... but it appears that she isn't quite willing to make that a two-way street.

No, that's not being cynical... but there's another level to it -- telling the guy he can see other people but not get intimate with anyone else (?) -- but then her ex comes back in the picture and she doesn't know what she wants... in other words, she wants her ex but doesn't know if it's a good idea or not down the line...

... and OP, I would say that she isn't that into you, but it's relatively new and complicated... if you're willing to deal with that, great. There's a decent chance things could bounce your way, but also a very decent chance she's being porked by her ex and will continue to do so (with drama on her end about it too, sure).

She lacks interest -- you may have a chance to swing it back to what sounds like decent but mild at-best interest beforehand... just give it a go to see what shakes out. You shouldn't put much weight on what a woman says she wants -- you base it on her actions & reactions to things.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 15
She's Unsure about what she wants...
Posted: 5/24/2011 4:42:16 PM
^^^^ what he just said. I have a "friend" whom I talk to every so often.(well, used to talk to) Try as I might, she just could not fathom the reasons why she shouldn't have kept me,truely "just" a friend, a secret from her present boyfriend. At one time, I used to date her,but because of the same type of actions she was showing her present boyfriend, I let her run.

Today, I have one less "friend", one that just doesn't "get it" and probably never will. She has left to many of the "good ones" in her wake, yet all she can she is what is in the mirror, and that's all she cares about.

When you are "unsure" about a relationship, it's best just to show some gonads and walk until you are sure. But to do that, people must have gonads, and convictions. It happens less and less nowadays. No one wants to "upset" anyone anymore, yet, they never clue in, that "not telling" is just about, if not worse than full out lying.
 mercurial_one
Joined: 11/4/2009
Msg: 16
She's Unsure about what she wants...
Posted: 5/25/2011 11:01:14 AM
Hey all,

Thanks again for your posts - it helped gain some perspective into my situation at hand. Thought I'd provide an update :

So after taking some time to think, I took the hour drive over to visit. It felt unfair to make too many assumptions based on text messages and a five-minute call. Fully expected to keep things short and sweet, and chose to meet her at the city centre instead of her place (would have been super awkward if things went bad). Anyhow, we sat on a bench and I let my feelings be known (don't want to be a 2nd option, respect that while the situation is still raw would like her to decide soon).

She said she felt horrible about the situation, and believed she probably went about things in the worst possible way. While she did have emotional feelings for him, she insisted that she had no intention of making plans with him, and wanted to still see me. While she was still confused, she agreed to not let things linger, and to decide within a few days/week. At that point I figured that since we where there, we might as well get a bite to eat and enjoy the night. Of course, led to us at her place with me having a little fun with her (with her being a benefactor of the massage proceedings).

After a few hours, she mentioned that she was tired, and that I should probably go home. Quickly got up, got dressed, and was prepared to part. Right before leaving, gave her a quick hug (no kiss), after which she semi-stumbled to the ground in a moment of light-headedness. I quickly grabbed her a water, and sat with her to make sure she was okay, before parting. Didn't hear from her for a day until she texted "So, I guess I should be visiting Toronto huh?".

Last night, let her know that I had tickets to the soccer game on Saturday. She replied this morning with
"Saturday may be difficult. What are you doing before then? I bet you're swamped."

As tempted as I am to go visit on Friday, I'm concerned that this will only exacerbate things. Thoughts?
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 17
She's Unsure about what she wants...
Posted: 5/25/2011 11:14:12 AM
Last night, let her know that I had tickets to the soccer game on Saturday. She replied this morning with
"Saturday may be difficult. What are you doing before then? I bet you're swamped."

As tempted as I am to go visit on Friday, I'm concerned that this will only exacerbate things. Thoughts?

Yeah - Saturday is the day she sees her other boyfriend. Personally, I'd forget the Friday visit. Period. Just tell her that you're sorry, but you don't see things working out and that she ought to just keep her ex boyfriend and save herself and everyone else a lot of angst. Then wish her well and say goodbye. If she was at all serious when she told you she had no intentions of making plans with her ex, she'll suddenly discover she can make the soccer game after all. Really, you need to not just be a lap dog waiting for her throw you a bone.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 18
She's Unsure about what she wants...
Posted: 5/25/2011 12:26:48 PM
Even if people are sure what they want, they are usually pretty sure
about what they don't want. If someone is really into you, they don't
make excuses why they can't see you. People usually make time for
those they enjoy spending time with.

Online, you see many people complaining about others being too picky,
too quick to judge, jumping into something, jumping outta something...
etc etc etc. People tend to hang onto others not because they are particularly
attracted and gaga over them, but because they fear letting go of one possibility
without having another possibility in the wings. Something about choices I
guess.

Anyhoo, in my early dating years, I found myself saying this. It was a way
to make the guy think it was my problem (which it was) not his. I didn't want
him to go away mad, but I did want him to go away. I don't give out mixed
messages anymore. I don't say I'm unsure, I want to take things slow, I'm not
going to settle, I'm not in a hurry or any of those other catch phrases which
really translate into...sell yourself to me.

When we meet, if I like you and can see myself spending time with you, I'm already
sold. I know whether or not I want to spend time getting to know you. If I don't...
it's sayonara.

I guess you have to ask yourself how much time you want to invest in someone
who is clearly not sure of you. Either that or come up with something better
than a brown painted elvis bust. (is that even possible???)


EDIT
Jeepers, I just read your update. Maybe you should read it again yourself
and ask yourself WTF you're doing.
 LinuxD
Joined: 12/6/2008
Msg: 19
view profile
History
She's Unsure about what she wants...
Posted: 5/26/2011 1:30:05 AM
Eh..


Walk away dude. Tell her to call you when she figures out what she wants and if she can't figure it out then you are better off without her. You are not a mind reader I'm guessing

Make her decide what she wants,if left the way it is she will always have you on unsure footing and off balance.

It's a form of manipulation.
 mercurial_one
Joined: 11/4/2009
Msg: 20
She's Unsure about what she wants...
Posted: 5/26/2011 1:16:37 PM
Hey all,

Looks like you were all probably right, as I received the "we need to talk" text. Called her and she gave a "I know this sucks to do over the phone, but I've decided to give my ex another chance." Quickly said good-luck, and goodbye.

Admittedly hurt, though more angry that she was my "first" and it ended only days after the fact. I feel a wee bit cheap.

Anyhow, thanks a million for your messages. They helped bring some clarity. :)
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 21
She's Unsure about what she wants...
Posted: 5/26/2011 9:27:07 PM

Looks like you were all probably right, as I received the "we need to talk" text. Called her and she gave a "I know this sucks to do over the phone, but I've decided to give my ex another chance." Quickly said good-luck, and goodbye.


At least you got an answer, and she told you. I dated one (2 kids with him) who decided to take "him" back, who just stopped returning my calls or answering emails, etc. 3 weeks later a mutual friend asks me "what's going on with you two?" um, I dunno anymore, why? "well, he's spent the last 3 weekends at her place". Oh, well, I guess I know now... I finally got her to reply to an email asking "why didn't you say something?" and her answer was "you didn't ask." Gee, sorry, my crystal ball broke and has been in the shop, and my ESP skills aren't what they used to be. Oh yeah, and you'll appreciate it... I said ok, so you're going back with him, I can respect that, and her reply was "I don't know what I want."

It is what it is. Honestly, I saw the signs so it wasn't totally unexpected, I was more pissed off that she couldn't actually be honest and tell me that after 6mo's together.
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 22
She's Unsure about what she wants...
Posted: 5/27/2011 5:05:43 AM
6 months??? Damn not only that but you're older so I assume she was 40's too, you'd think they'd be mature and make better choices by then, guess not.


Well, that was a decade+ ago, I was 36 at the time, she was 32... and she had been 'split' from him for 2-1/2 yrs (although swapping the 2 children every other weekend... or, well, so I was told when we met - I'm guessing other things may have been 'swapped' at times before me, looking at it after the fact ).
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 23
She's Unsure about what she wants...
Posted: 5/27/2011 7:20:02 AM
I feel a wee bit cheap.

Cheap? Unless you charged her money, you were free. Seriously, had you played it differently, you might have come out ahead. I've had 3 girlfriends who were in the process of ``breaking up'' with their boyfriends when I first went out with them. None of them ever went back to the ex, but unlike you, I made it clear they had to make a decision right away, (as in before they had an opportunity to talk to the soon to be ex), if they wanted to date me. She wanted to date you. She had fun with you, but you were an unkown. She wanted to break up with her ex (because she obviously did). He was familiar and comfortable. If you had a chance, it was having her make a decision when she was with you and not thinking about her ex. I've never found that waiting patiently for an indecisive person to make a decision worked to my benefit in getting someone to take a risk of any sort. Indecisive people always choose security over the unknown and as the unknown with whom she had little time and enotion invested, you were the biggest risk.
Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > She's "Unsure" about what she wants...