Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Is there any differnce when dating a woman my own age after 50?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 1776or1984
Joined: 12/25/2009
Msg: 1
Is there any differnce when dating a woman my own age after 50?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Okay, no flames please but for the first time since I was 35 I found myself dating someone my own age (53). Knew her for over a year from political activities, waited for her to express interest before I asked her out (I was the group leader so I needed to be careful), then one excellent date then I get put off for three weeks. Emailed daily during that time, long emails, she made it clear on her expectations. Made a date then she emails at 2 am to break it, only to email back at 9 am to apologize and reset the date. Another great date, got along very well till the end. Wants to date again but needs time to get to know me. My response was that you can't get to know someone unless you are around them, and after her knowing me for over a year, I decided to walk away if she wouldn't take me seriously. Nothing serious, hugs not kisses, and I certainly wasn't asking for anything else as she was a Christian woman with high standards (which is why I was attracted to her).

My question here is this: What differences are there when dating again after 50? Do you require more time than you did when you were younger?
 magicallaroundme
Joined: 3/9/2011
Msg: 2
Is there any differnce when dating a woman my own age after 50?
Posted: 7/4/2011 9:23:05 PM
The difference is not that you are over 50 but the sort of woman that she was. You did right by cutting her loose but you don't want to start thinking you had to because she was older. You could have just as easily come across a 21 yo who was just the same. This one just happened to be your age -- not indicative of anything special.
 Kitten189
Joined: 5/25/2011
Msg: 3
Is there any differnce when dating a woman my own age after 50?
Posted: 7/4/2011 9:58:26 PM
Op,she sounds like she has some "issues" to sort out.

She's known you for over a year and she's putting up all these walls?

Doesn't make sense to *me*.
She should be welcoming your interest (if she likes you!)and looking forward to getting to know you better away from your political interests/rallies/whatever.
As they say in these Forums "You dodged a bullet" by the sound of it.
 Betterthanblond1331
Joined: 5/29/2011
Msg: 4
Is there any differnce when dating a woman my own age after 50?
Posted: 7/4/2011 10:50:20 PM
I have to agree with the other two posts, age wasn't the issue here it was her and whatever "issues" or "rules" she has. You were pretty lucky that you walked away now...
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 5
Is there any difference when dating a woman my own age after 50?
Posted: 7/4/2011 11:07:44 PM
I don't think age has anything to do with this. Her behavior has been distinctly flaky, and I don't blame you for getting annoyed and basically saying so. Your reaction would've been fair whether she was 30 or 60, IMO.
 soicat
Joined: 3/3/2010
Msg: 6
Is there any differnce when dating a woman my own age after 50?
Posted: 7/4/2011 11:50:25 PM
You've run into a common problem. Older women put up all sorts of roadblocks, are extremely cautious - even fearful - and way slower to get affectionate than younger women. There are exceptions, of course, but that's the way to bet it.

I was just talking with a 50 year old lady about this the other day, and she admitted that when she was younger she'd think nothing about getting in a car with a strange guy, or travelling without much money, or with people she'd just met, or whatever - stuff she'd never do now. She attributed it to becoming more fearful with age, and thought it happened to most people.
 Kitten189
Joined: 5/25/2011
Msg: 7
Is there any differnce when dating a woman my own age after 50?
Posted: 7/5/2011 12:51:43 AM

when she was younger she'd think nothing about getting in a car with a strange guy, or travelling without much money, or with people she'd just met


^^^ That,to *me* is just idiotic.
I didn't do it when i was a teenager,or in my 20's.
Guess i've always had some common sense
 WalksOnWater2
Joined: 5/19/2009
Msg: 8
Is there any differnce when dating a woman my own age after 50?
Posted: 7/5/2011 1:25:45 AM
Anyone who is even moderately interested in you will not hang you out to dry for 3 weeks.
Your Christian lady has another fish to fry (and that ain't Jesus either).
If you put up with flakes, sit quietly on the back burner, and expect more of the same.

As for how much time we oldies require to figure someone out, that has thankfully accelerated with the experience we have amassed over the years.

 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 9
Is there any differnce when dating a woman my own age after 50?
Posted: 7/5/2011 1:36:52 AM

Your Christian lady has another fish to fry (and that ain't Jesus either).

I didn't want to say it first, but that was my thought, too. Canceling at 2 AM by e-mail? That's coming home from a date and re-thinking things because of that date.

Re-instituting the original date after that, well, the other guy blew her off.

I hate how cynical this sounds, but I think it's probably what happened.

Besides, who makes and breaks dates by e-mail anyway? I don't care what age you are, if you're into the person, you call, because you want to hear their voice, and for them to hear yours. Even kids, who often now do practically everything by text, still call each other when they have something to really talk about.
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 10
view profile
History
Is there any differnce when dating a woman my own age after 50?
Posted: 7/5/2011 1:48:04 AM
In my experience, the biggest differences can be:

1) People are a lot more set in their ways. They've been through bad relationships and have a much more refined sense of what they do/don't want -- and they ain't settling.

2) Some people are much more comfortable with themselves. Which has a positive influence on all aspects of the relationship.

3) And then some people impose anxiety because they hear a clock ticking. Not a positive influence. :)

In a lot of ways, though, dating is timeless, and much of the experience still feels way too much like high school, except the gas prices are higher.
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 11
view profile
History
Is there any differnce when dating a woman my own age after 50?
Posted: 7/5/2011 9:07:05 AM
You've known this woman for over a year, you've now gone out on 2 dates, and you haven't kissed her? Really?

This is NOT what I call dating.
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 12
view profile
History
Is there any differnce when dating a woman my own age after 50?
Posted: 7/5/2011 9:16:22 AM

Holly_Golightly1:
That's how he and she want it to be. Not everyone has to date like you do.


Please go back and re-read the original post. It doesn't sound to me like she is interested in him. Perhaps because she wanted to be kissed and he hasn't? "Christian women with high standards" do like to be kissed on dates.
 WalksOnWater2
Joined: 5/19/2009
Msg: 13
Is there any differnce when dating a woman my own age after 50?
Posted: 7/5/2011 4:26:20 PM
^ ^ ^
I second that.
Christian women like to be kissed too.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 14
view profile
History
Is there any differnce when dating a woman my own age after 50?
Posted: 7/5/2011 5:17:59 PM
I think I'm with the growing consensus that this particular lady is NOT the " Christian woman of high standards" that she pretends to be. I can imagine a number of explanations for the 2am 9am thing, and none of them sound encouraging. Mostly, it sounds as though she's PLAYING the conservative Christian to hold our OP at arms length, while pursuing other options.

As for the OP's actual questions, I think it's BOTH that we are more cautious, AND that we use our acquired experience to decide faster, and hopefully more accurately.

It's like any other human activity in that way. When I'm going to buy a big ticket item, I'm LESS likely to jump at the one with the biggest flash, and the most sex appeal, or the best advertising, as I did when I was younger. But I am ALSO likely to plunk down my cash much more decisively and quickly once I DO see what I want, because I know myself well enough to recognize what will and wont work for me.
 Spider_MacGyver
Joined: 6/11/2011
Msg: 15
Is there any differnce when dating a woman my own age after 50?
Posted: 7/5/2011 5:48:59 PM
She's over in another corner making her own angsty thread about "is there any chance that a spark will grow, if you give it time?"
 shakeitupbaby2012
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 16
Is there any differnce when dating a woman my own age after 50?
Posted: 7/5/2011 7:29:38 PM
Good one MacGyver.

Age isn't relative to behavior. People are individually wired the way they are.

You either accept that at face value and take the time to get to know them one-on-one or you don't .
 1776or1984
Joined: 12/25/2009
Msg: 17
Is there any differnce when dating a woman my own age after 50?
Posted: 7/5/2011 11:53:49 PM
Long repy, yada, yada, yada, so skip it if you don’t like to read. : )

Thanks all for the excellent feedback on this. Let me see if I can shine some more light on specific issues that were brought up. I did leave a lot out, seemed redundant in part and I wanted to focus on whether age made a difference rather than her issues (don’t we all have some?). This was a strange deal, I've been dumped and I've been kept at arm's length before but never by someone that I got along with as well as I did with this person.

Ran into her at the state convention, I had been asked to meet a group at a restaurant after the convention, she honked at me in the parking lot, so I asked her if she wanted to attend. She did, then asked me to buy her dinner in joking sort of way. Later I asked if I could come see her, she agreed. Next morning she showed up at one of our precinct walks, thumping on a bad politician by dropping flyers on door steps in his district, we rode around together a few hours doing that. End of the activity, I asked again if she was still up to me coming to visit. Got a yes and a smile.

So then I get put off for three weeks, phone calls not returned but she did respond via email saying she was super busy. Okay, be patient. We started emailing a lot, long emails.

Next outing our group went about 75 miles south, about ten of us made the trip, another bad boy politician getting some voter education. The day before, she emails asking if she can carpool with anyone, emails me privately, not on the main email list. Texts me a half dozen times that day, asks me to call her, gives me her new home phone number, mentions ATT Friends & Family and cheap ways to talk (uh cell phone, no long distance charges?), like we are going to be doing some long talks.

She leaves her town at 4 am, gets to OKC, we leave around 6:30 am. Great time all day long, dumping lots of info on each other, our pasts, a bit about relationships in the past (not all the info, onion peeling time), goals, all intensely personal, little about what we are doing or politics. So around five or so, we were out of flyers and signs so I asked if she wanted to drive up Mt. Scott. She did. Went through a small resort town and, walked a bit, went up the mountain to watch the sunset, then drove back to the city and had dinner. Pretty much turned it into a date at the end. She agrees to another date, a planned date in a couple of weeks.

Puts me off for another three weeks, I did the Hell yes or Hell no thing (play me or trade me)after about a week and a half , she admitted that she was attracted to me or she wouldn’t be talking to me. Set out some pretty clear expectations, no dates unless I was serious, didn’t like touching, holding hands, kissing till she was comfortable with me, then we set the date, she did the break the date deal, then settled down the last week before the date. Still not talking on the phone except short calls, very short calls.

Picked her up at her house, she showed me around including the bedroom of all places, she had gone to a lot of effort to look good (and she did), toured the Marlow Mansion, had dinner, went for a drive through the Tall Grass Prairie and watched the sun set (very, very isolated, saw three cars in three hours). Took her home, talked sitting in the car for about an hour with her making no move to get out. Long date, nearly 10 ½ hours.

And while talking she admitted that she didn’t like talking on the phone because it was scary for her… Says she doesn’t quite trust that I am sincere. That we would continue to date but not regularly. Talked about it again via email the next day and she said she believed I was one to trust but couples take time to become comfortable with each other and she needed time. She needed to know how I live, how I am when I am tired, how I treat her as time goes along. I asked for regular dates, like once a week, and more phone calls, trying to be considerate if she needed to go slow. Nope, not going to happen…

By this time my mind is screaming at me to walk away, stress like I’ve not experienced, migraine headache the next day, so I say screw it and tell her to use me or lose me. She replies that she just doesn’t have enough experience with me to make that choice so I made it for her.

Shutterfly57 nailed it in my opinion, the older I get the easier it is to see the flakes coming and recognize a decent person. I hadn’t seen this sort of behavior from this lady before so I assumed it was from the change in our relationship from acquaintance to dating, menopause related, or age related.

Helen suggested a great explanation for the 2 am break the date thing. Something changed, it sure wasn’t me between 2 am and 9 am. I read her email breaking the date around 8 am but decided not to respond, to just move on. I was more than surprised when she emailed back at 9 am apologizing. Was I one on a string?

Ohenryx made a good observation, to me it is weird not to kiss after a date, it is the traditional ending, kind of expected I think if you accept a date, expect it to happen if things go well. But our first “date” wasn’t really planned as a “date” so I asked for and got a hug. I’m a pretty direct guy, I told her early on that I wanted to kiss her on that first dinner that we had together, got the message that she was reserved that way. I understand that, I really like personal contact but at the same time it is intensely personal for me, she was the same way. Some of us are like that, high standards, doesn’t mean we are prudes or anything. Quality not quantity thing. She also suggested early on of being “friends” for a while and I shot that down immediately, “friends” is the kiss of death. Don’t get me wrong, you can be best friends as you date but going from “friends” to dating is pretty rare. Besides, we had been friends for months. Went to a movie together with another lady from our group, met several times to pass signs, did a couple of events together with the group, emailed regularly privately, I helped her on projects over the phone. Even her brother told her that “friends” was an insult if a guy was asking a lady out. She got that part early on, no friends wanted, dating relationship wanted.

Igor wrote;
“It's like any other human activity in that way. When I'm going to buy a big ticket item, I'm LESS likely to jump at the one with the biggest flash, and the most sex appeal, or the best advertising, as I did when I was younger. But I am ALSO likely to plunk down my cash much more decisively and quickly once I DO see what I want, because I know myself well enough to recognize what will and wont work for me.”

Exactly, which is why I thought it was time to walk away. She had been through three bad relationships in her life and pretty much only three relationships. A cheater revealed right before she married him and she married him anyway, second husband was remote and non supportive, wouldn’t eat at the table with her cause her chewing food grossed him out (no, I didn't get that at all), third dating relationship guy got caught emailing three other women while in a long distance relationship with her. She actually asked why the guy was emailing the other women if he loved her. Duh? Didn’t find this out till the last date, sitting in the driveway. Which is why Igor’s reply rang so true.

What I do know about her after the last date:
She is bad seed, stay away. Her Christian values are suspect if she married a cheater and put up with a second bad marriage. She has little self respect if she put up with three bad relationships She either absolutely sucks at picking men or she picks exactly the type that will “challenge” her or refight an old battle. I pick the latter as more true. I am indeed lucky to have gotten out when I did. Things seem a lot clearer today than on Sunday morning.

What I didn’t have any perspective on was whether or not my opinion was valid, the point that Shutterfly57 and Igor made, that the older we get, the wiser we should be on these things. Yet her bad experiences would have made most people cautious so I thought I would get some imput. I’m hearing that age makes little difference, people do get more cautious and wiser but they should also recognize a good person when they meet them. I read up some on menopause and dating on this forum a few weeks ago to see if that could have an effect, some say it does, others said it didn’t.

Thanks to everyone that took the time to offer their input. Made it easier to decide to put this behind me and look forward. Good lord though, dating seems to be predator and prey, with a handful of insanity, stress, and uncertainty mixed in. I have not missed it the last ten years.
 1776or1984
Joined: 12/25/2009
Msg: 18
Is there any differnce when dating a woman my own age after 50?
Posted: 7/6/2011 12:30:04 AM
Either a mess or I was one on a string which is sounding more and more likely. And I agree, not automatic on kissing but if the date is going well one usually knows when an attempt is going to be welcomed.

Thanks for the input. I didn't want to regret not trying a little longer because I was ignorant about something.
 madlady777
Joined: 6/7/2011
Msg: 19
Is there any differnce when dating a woman my own age after 50?
Posted: 7/6/2011 9:40:12 AM
You are a wise man. I am over 60 and want more than I did at 20, Wiser, more patient, not time for silly stuff. Give us women of age a chance. More wonderful than you could ever know, Tahe the time to stop by and say "HELLO" I will always respond back. It is not not I am needy but a lady

Maryanne
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 20
Is there any differnce when dating a woman my own age after 50?
Posted: 7/7/2011 12:17:56 AM

Either a mess or I was one on a string which is sounding more and more likely.

Does it matter? Either way, surely you can do better.

Even the worst person - and you come across as a pretty good, honorable person - deserves better than to be strung along, for whatever reason.

The effect upon you is what matters. And that was very seriously Not Good.

I'm glad to see you made the call, and I am sure you will find better prospects in future.
 Annea1
Joined: 4/5/2009
Msg: 21
Is there any differnce when dating a woman my own age after 50?
Posted: 7/7/2011 1:48:18 PM
Why are you asking everyone else about this? Ask her. Stereotypes and generalizations suck. Get to know her or any woman rather than assumptions and second hand opinions. It isn't about her age. Maybe she just doesn't want to come right out and say she isn't sexually attracted to you. Are you ready for a direct and honest answer from her if that is the case or would you rather have your ego preserved?
 1776or1984
Joined: 12/25/2009
Msg: 22
Is there any differnce when dating a woman my own age after 50?
Posted: 7/7/2011 7:58:13 PM
Thank you Holly and Helen, I try to be although dealing with people like her makes one want to be otherwise.

Annea, read the posts, we got past the physical attraction thing several weeks before I walked. I told her to pick one, hell yes or hell no. Her response was “what the hell?” but she finished up the email by listing all the things that caused her to be attracted to me. Body language told me that she was more than attractive to me on the two dates, even the first dinner she sat close and stayed close. The puzzle was the hot and cold on seeing each other in person. And I hate to break this to you, most people aren’t going to be upfront, most are going to try to be “nice” and avoid answering an ego bruising question, especially if she was keeping me around on a shelf till she figured out what she wanted. Heck she had two stories about why we weren't talking on the phone, first she was too busy, later she found it "scary". Yeah, she would go on a long drive in a very isolated part of the state with no worry but talking on the phone is scary? More like keep him away so you don't get attached.

Another thing about here that bothered me after I allowed it to (yeah, sometimes you just don’t want to follow your gut feeling) was her unusual divorce about three years earlier. She actually lived in the same house with the ex for 2 ½ years, living in the basement so her daughter could finish high school without moving. Yeah I know, lots of questions there, seems her ex brought a new girlfriend around about a year into it. The point is that what kind of person can do things slow motion like that? It would drive me nuts to live in the same house with an ex. Then the long distance relationship she was in during that period, she catches the guy emailing three other women around Thanksgiving (they traded passwords on their email accounts), waits till April to tell the guy she needed to be alone. Either trying to “fix” him, thinking she can’t do any better, or insanely slow to make up her mind.

So after putting away the age related issue, I am putting it down to one of three things, she wasn’t that into me, she was going to take months to make up her mind, or she had me on a string till she decided what to do with me. No matter, I’m gone. No one is treating me that way for long. One of her last emails she talked about how me being considerate of her made her happy… yeah, while it lasts if it isn’t a two way street.

Such is life. Hope the next one is normal.
 Sirenne
Joined: 6/3/2011
Msg: 23
Is there any differnce when dating a woman my own age after 50?
Posted: 7/9/2011 2:54:25 AM
Just not really into you. That is the bottom line. She may like you but is not sexually attracted to you, Christian values or not...... She may have had other men around and they disappointed her.... A 2 am call is unnatural and she may have been drunk or just had a date that she felt was going somewhere. To call again at 9 am is not acceptable. She cant make up her mind, best to let her go. Who wants a lukewarm relationship or just being a convenience. She may not be into sex or have hang ups. Religion can do that.. Dont get me started.
 Sirenne
Joined: 6/3/2011
Msg: 24
Is there any differnce when dating a woman my own age after 50?
Posted: 7/9/2011 2:58:59 AM
I am sure she would not appreciate you citing chapter and verse your experiences with her, on this forum....So much detail. I wouldnt be bothered to read it all quite frankly.
 Pingshooter
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 25
view profile
History
Is there any differnce when dating a woman my own age after 50?
Posted: 7/9/2011 3:43:34 AM

My question here is this: What differences are there when dating again after 50? Do you require more time than you did when you were younger?


Well, age wise, there isn't any difference. Why would you ask? You are your age, and you are dating (usually) someone the same (near) age. Our age group is just that.

Dating..now that's something different. Only because, speaking for me, I have not "dated" in a very, very long while. Rusty, a bit apprehensive, but..go do the things I think, or talk about, we (date and I) would like to do.

As far as the woman you mentioned..you were her option, she was your choice. They don't match up..move on.
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Is there any differnce when dating a woman my own age after 50?