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 the_better_one
Joined: 6/3/2011
Msg: 1
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Over protective childPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I was wondering if anyone else is go ing thru this or has and has any advice. My son could careless if i have a girlfriend in my life or not but my daughter is a whole other story. She hates it when i meet someone new and if i want to date them she gets angry.
any advice?
 the_better_one
Joined: 6/3/2011
Msg: 2
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Over protective child
Posted: 7/7/2011 5:50:30 AM
thank you ... nice differant view... and btw my daughter is fine with me being gay...and i dont force anything on them and dont involve them until feel appropriate!! just saying!!!
 shakeitupbaby2012
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 3
Over protective child
Posted: 7/7/2011 6:18:07 AM
The only way we know what's going in a child's mind is to ask and to discuss it. For all you know, it may be as simple as a slightly different routine when you date to thinking she may lose YOU if you find a relationship if you are divorced, etc.

Children like and need a routine/ stable home life. Keep things routine and enjoy dating where it works within that routine.

Give her gentle affirmations of your love and gentle reassurances that you hear her and that everything is A-OK.

No need to go into detail about dating. Something as simple as saying that you need friendship and companionship
with other adults just as she does with her peers is fine. JMO

I choose to date and my kids, albeit grown, have no
idea about my dating life because they don't need to know.
Should anyone of significance come along they will
Know in due time.
 SweetnessInFlorida
Joined: 6/26/2008
Msg: 4
Over protective child
Posted: 7/7/2011 12:58:56 PM
I find it to be very bizarre when kids are concerned with their parents dating life.
I would tell mine "none of your business, now go clean your room and wash those dishes i asked you to do last night and find something of your own to do".
Does she have some hobbies, activities, and friends? I know when i was a kid i was so involved in my own life that i coukldnt have cared lesss if my parents were dating the whole world, i think that most kids are very concerned with their own little worlds and dont care much for what goes on in the adult sworlds, unless it affects them directly.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 5
Over protective child
Posted: 7/7/2011 2:55:26 PM

I find it to be very bizarre when kids are concerned with their parents dating life.

To each their own, but I find it strange when parents and/or children aren't concerned about one another's private lives. I am not talking trying to dictate private lives, but if there is a healthy connection between we parents and our children, it's logical to me that both sides would want the other to be happy, and that includes the dating life of each. (Very young children likely aren't privy to things "dating" in nature, but I still believe they should be told/shown the truth about healthy dating habits by their single parents. No, not meeting the dates/potential partners, but honest dialogue about such things.)

~OP~ No, I've not encountered that situation. My son was for more concerned when I didn't meet/date for extended periods of time than when I was actively meeting/dating or in relationships. I don't really know, other than fear of losing mom, why this would be. If you've had GFs in the past which dictated your time and your daughter felt left-out or ignored or even abandoned, that may be one reason for her thoughts/feelings/actions, but other than that ~ this is very foreign and impossible for me to understand. The only thing I would suggest is that you ask here and listen to the "why" she handles this as she does. **shrugs** JMO
 the_better_one
Joined: 6/3/2011
Msg: 6
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Over protective child
Posted: 7/7/2011 11:56:47 PM
I had my kids while married to a man but he was my best friend and we got married to have a family bc i needed the world (my family) to think i was straight. But he screwed up and is not in our lives now. my kids have only known me as gay bc their dad went to prison when they were 6 months and 18 months old and at that time i came out. i want my kids to have a full family but sometimes that always isnt in the cards but I do want to feel that it is ok to date.
 the_better_one
Joined: 6/3/2011
Msg: 7
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Over protective child
Posted: 7/8/2011 6:53:20 AM
Ok My I, you took that statement wrong, I had kids because I wanted kids. I love my children with all i have. I had children with a man to cover my being gay bc i could not imagine my life without my father in it and wld of lost him and rest of family if out, which eventually did happen.

I do not down there dad to them. My daughter writes her dad in prison. You sure are good looking at statement and turning it totatlly around....
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 8
Over protective child
Posted: 7/8/2011 1:13:07 PM

Because dads have not mastered the skill of nursing and producing breast milk; neither can moms return to work immediately after birth to financially support the family.

Nope, fathers can not produce breast milk. However, not ALL mothers breast-feed. And who on earth has convinced someone that mothers can not or will not return to work following childbirth? That's frickin' bizarre. Many of us did EXACTLY that. The thing about many mothers? They do what's needed, not what main-stream tells them they should be doing. (Such polarizations are ridiculous. While many may not, many do. There is no set-in-stone on this.)

~OT~ WTF does her being gay have to do with her on-topic? Her sexual-preference has NOTHING to do with her child-rearing abilities. Some people are good mothers, some are fair, some should clearly have NEVER had children, but it has nothing to do with sexual preference. Susan Smith is a good example. She was hetero to a fault. Killed her two children so the man-interest wouldn't find her children a burden. Andrea Yates. Christian to a fault (as she felt "God" wanted her to kill her children) was, again, hetero. I've not read any headlines in the past or recently which say, "Lesbian Mom kills her 3 children." I mean really now. JMO
 the_better_one
Joined: 6/3/2011
Msg: 9
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Over protective child
Posted: 7/9/2011 5:24:04 AM
I have read all that you have said and really like all that you have said. MOST of you have put a lot of thought into your commets and I appreacieate it all!!

as for MAY I..you need to do somthing other then put me down for being gay, the way you post I am a person who has a differant woman at my door every night and TRUST me I DO NOT!! I have been single now for over a year and have two women in my life and pushed them away to make sure my kids were happy. so do not say I have another nocker at my door each day.

and her relationship with her dad has nothing to do with me being gay. She is a child and wants to kno her dad so i do not stop her. That does not change that i wish to have a fufilling relationshiop with both her and my son but also another woman.

For you MI to sit and judge i ask you, are you in a relationship?? and if so is judged by if it with another woman or man>> Y am i judged bc i am with another woman and not a man, would you of responded to this post if i was not a lesbian?????????????????????
 Janet_Always
Joined: 12/7/2010
Msg: 10
Over protective child
Posted: 7/9/2011 9:02:11 AM

She hates it when i meet someone new and if i want to date them she gets angry.
any advice?

Your daughter doesn't trust your judgment when it comes to your romantic life. She has witnessed the negative effects on you and would prefer it to not happen again.

My son could careless if i have a girlfriend in my life or not

This would be equally disturbing to me. To *care less* implies he has become numb to your choices.

I think the only advice I can offer is to explain to BOTH your kids that you've made some mistakes that have obviously effected them and their trust in you. Owning that will give them more confidence in your ability to make better choices going forward.
 the_better_one
Joined: 6/3/2011
Msg: 11
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Over protective child
Posted: 7/9/2011 10:21:15 AM
Conscious soul..all i can say is AMEN!! you said it!! I did not flip a coin one day and decied to change my sexual orentaion. I lived as i was told to live for many year s and then finally had the curage to come out and was the best day of my life...accepting me for me and fit right in my own skin.....

I believe my kids are ok with me being who i am. They are not afraid to tell their friends or kids at school. i am not a secret... this whole post was to find out how to find a way to let my kids kno that even tho i date i am still there for them and there mom...whether i am dating a woman or man should not MATTER!!!
 barefootkitten
Joined: 12/17/2009
Msg: 12
Over protective child
Posted: 7/9/2011 10:33:48 AM
I don't think MyI was implying that you weren't born that way, but seeings how you have children, chances are that you DID date/sleep with men previously. Perhaps inwardly your preference was for women, but at least OUTWARDLY, you did display a preference for men previously. If you previously were with men, then your preference, in terms of how other people view it, DID change. No one was saying that you just woke up one day and "turned" lesbian, but to deny that it's a major change in how others view you, is a bit naive.
 the_better_one
Joined: 6/3/2011
Msg: 13
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Over protective child
Posted: 7/9/2011 10:53:43 AM
MI..all my kids kno is of me with a woman..they were too young to remeber their dad before he wad gone and then i was in a long term commited relationship with a woman that helped raise them so there has been no change in theeir lives that way... they only kno me as a gay mom BUT not even that bc I AM MOM not a gay mom bc i am normal to them and gay has NOTHING to do with IT!!!! I am simply their mom!!!
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 14
Over protective child
Posted: 7/9/2011 11:42:41 AM
I may be way out of line to insinuate this, and I apologise if it is not true, but I have a red flag waving in regards to your profile comment about joining a ready-made family - that's disturbing to read, in so many ways.

Why on earth is it "disturbing" to read that this OP has a ready-made-family? I had a ready made family. So did/does the vast majority of women who've had children and are single seeking a potential partner/mate/LTR, or whatever they are seeking. Browse through male profiles here ~ you'd be much enlightened. Men here are notorious for the "ready made family" comment in profiles.


Once again - it doesn't matter if she changed sexuality; it doesn't matter if she turned to drugs; it doesn't matter if she became an alcoholic.

Eiiiiii yiiiii yiiiii!!! ***shaking head*** Really? Drugs/alcohol are synonymous with one being a lesbian?

The boy can be sufferring on the inside while the daughter is being expressive.

This very well may be exactly what the issue is. It may have NOTHING to do with her sexuality, however. These children may be hurting for all sorts of reasons that have nothing to do with their mother being a lesbian. Could be separation anxiety, could be it's cloudy outside, could be that their pet frog croaked yesterday.... could be a myriad of things. And it could be NOTHING. It may be this little girl just doesn't like NOT being in control of her Mommy. That happens, too. JMO
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 15
Over protective child
Posted: 7/9/2011 5:50:34 PM
How many of them have certificates to deal directly with children in real life as well as obsessing with children issues online?

I can only answer this from the life I lead while dating and it was absolutely alarming to me how many single men wanted dates (NOT relationship potentials) to meet their children right away. I came up with my "NO children" policy for this very reason. I was NOT seeking to be a step-mother nor was I interested in meeting children of those I dated. As for those who "obsessed with children issues online"? I only see a few here in forums that do that ~ and ya' all likely know who you are. :eyeroll: No offense, but you do beat the drum pretty loudly in here in forums about children issues (based upon your posting history.) Which is fine, but it does ring of "pot meeting kettle" when you accuse others of doing something similar to what you do here. Just sayin'. JMO
 boarderdad50
Joined: 4/23/2011
Msg: 16
Over protective child
Posted: 7/20/2011 7:17:55 AM
Well I would say it isnt wrong that kids speak their minds and let you know how they feel about dating. For me it is getting to the point I think my girls want me to get out and meet people more as I have been taking my time with not dating but they can tell something is missing at times.

Anyways I have a friend in a similar situation as yourself, she was married and had two daughters. She was never comfortable with men in general but societal pressures taught her that is what she needs to do and was never comfortable with herself or her sexuality. When she got divorced she took a lot of time for herself and as she got more comfortable loving herself she was more willing to accept a side she had hid away for many years, she simply was not attracted to men and was attracted to woman.

Her oldest daughter was around 10-11 when she started dating woman, she also displayed a lot of aggression to her mom and did not like her dating. It was NOT because she was gay or dating a woman but it was because she felt threatened for time and attention and the new gf was controlling and not very nice to her mom. Kids often have a very good sense of judgement but do not have a very good way of expressing the concerns and saying why they feel a certain way.

Fast forward a few years her daughter is now 13 and very comfortable with her mom having a girlfriend and them coming to her softball games and being part of her life. It was simple that specific person she had issues with, not saying it is the case for you but at the end of the day kids do have a say and if they are not comfortable it is worth setting some time aside and working through the emotions and trying to find the root to the problem, it wont always be what they say. One thing that helps a lot is time alone and talking while doing another task that take some but not all the focus away, kids open up doing different things, sometimes coloring for younger kids works for a time to talk, for my daughter going for a walk and holding her hand works for her to get things out she might not bring up on her own.
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