Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > I know I should be running away but.....      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 ryeguy1988
Joined: 3/8/2011
Msg: 1
view profile
History
I know I should be running away but.....Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Hello,

Sorry if this is long but I need someone elses input on this.

Ok well one of the reasons I am on POF is to get back into the dating world and too see what is out there.

What I am picking myself up from is a failed marriage. The part that is so confusing to me and keeping me in a bit of a cycle is that we were together for just over 3 years when we got married, I was very comfortable with everything, on my wedding day I was not nervous at all, I was just so sure of everything. Well fast forward 4.5 months from the wedding day and she left me, she couldn't give me much of a reason, everyone suggested maybe someone else but I don't think that was the case, but I will never really know. She started someone seeing a new guy about a month later(seems very quick to me but not my call) and about 3.5 months of whatever that was brings us to the here and now. Lately we have been talking a little bit and from time to time she will mention something about this new guy, but she also mentioned that they have not talked much lately, which leads me to beleive that maybe theres not much there.

about a month or so ago I invited her out to lunch(just something simple) we chatted and it wasnt ackward or anything, she actually talked a little bit about some issues they were having, which was a bit weird.

on Canada Day she had texted me, asking me to go visit her at her work, which im thinking may have been just because she was quite bored and not many customers. on Tuesday I spoke with her, again she asked I go visit her at her work, this time I did, visited for about an hour or so, we chatted but nothing serious, but she did accidently drop the word "Us/we", previous years we volunteered at concerts in the area and she mentioned we should have volunteered this year. On her way home at 12:30 in the morning her car broke down, she is working in a different city then where she lives(its about a 45 minute commute) her first call was to me, instead of her mother or father or at this time I thought the other guy. After the call was over I felt bad and texted her offering to drive her home(keep in mind she knows im usually in bed by midnight and work at 9am the next day, so its unnusal that she would call especially that late).

on July 16th, I am fortunate enough to be in a friends weddings, she is friends with the bride and is also in the wedding, and at the end of the ceremony we get to walk back down the aisle together which will be tough to say the least. She did mention that the other guy may be at the Wedding dance and then today she says she is about 99% certain he wont be there, when i asked her how come she said they havent talked much lately.

does it sound like she is maybe interested again, or is it all just head games and should I run away? I have told her that as long as I am not in a committed relationship I would always try again, emphasis on try as it would be very difficult to fully forgive her for all she has put me through especially when she could not give me a suitable reason as to why she was ending things.

Thanks in advance.
Ryan
 MsMuscleChick
Joined: 5/31/2011
Msg: 2
I know I should be running away but.....
Posted: 7/7/2011 7:09:47 AM
Only seeing your side of the story, I would say move on. She is indecisive and playing head games big time. She doesn't seem to know what she wants.

Leaving someone 4 months after walking down the aisle is a bit out there. She calls you first because you answer and keep trying to pick up the mess. And she speaks of another guy? You have all the answers right in front of you....

Take time to get your life and feelings back to " normal" then date.
 Giggles10000
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 3
I know I should be running away but.....
Posted: 7/7/2011 7:10:24 AM
When he does something that she doesn't like she turns to you; so she will be with you UNTIL she finds another guy like him she likes more. She is using you so she doesn't feel lonely when he doesnt want to be with her.

I bet you're not even really trying to find another relationship now that she is yanking on your chain again...she knows that as well. I am not saying she doesn't have feelings for you and that she doesnt feel bad about things she has done but she isn't capable of being loyal to anyone otherwise why is she reinvolving herself with you when she is involved with him...is that really the type of person you want?
 Cdn_Iceman
Joined: 12/1/2010
Msg: 4
I know I should be running away but.....
Posted: 7/7/2011 7:13:00 AM
Ryan, Im sorry for being blunt kid, but are you stupid? and I don't say that to be mean kiddo, but why would you want to be involved with someone like that again?

You thought you knew her, you married her, she walked out on your after 4 months of marriage, she ends up with another guy, now she's walked out on him , or maybe he kicked her to the curb and you are the rebound guy until she gets her mojo back and finds someone else.

The only thing she demonstrated is she doesn't like being alone, kick her to the curb kiddo, tell her if she wants a friend buy a dog.

You need to extricate your self from this situation, be on your own for a while, do what ever it takes to get over her and then move on , you will find someone that deserves your loyalty and wants to actually be with you.
 ryeguy1988
Joined: 3/8/2011
Msg: 5
view profile
History
I know I should be running away but.....
Posted: 7/7/2011 7:17:00 AM
from what I have been gathering is that earlier on in there "relationship" she was kind of a lot to handle i guess and it may have pushed him away, so now im not sure if its him thats not overly interested or if its her.

and I have been walking away, im ready to date again, or at least I feel I am, I was hanging out with a person for a little while but that amounted to nothing.

yeah you are only seeing one side of the story but she said to me before that I am a "great person" and seh couldnt say anything bad about me......which makes me really wonder if this guy was in the picture before she actually broke it off with me.

also I know I was ready to walk down the aisle and yes at the time I was only 22, I just don't think she was, I don't regret anything with our relationship even the whole marriage thing, Im not a complete walkover for her, I offered to drive her in this instance because it was late at night and she would have been stranded had it not been for her mother answering the phone.

I appreciate the advice though, I think I should just keep walking away
 motown cowgirl
Joined: 6/30/2010
Msg: 6
I know I should be running away but.....
Posted: 7/7/2011 7:17:32 AM
first of all, you coming here "to see what's out there" on a dating site is a really piss-poor strategy for recovering from a failed marriage. i think you are suffering from confused priorities.

secondy, you either need to directly address the problems in your marriage (which would be ideal... and i say "ideal" because you are only 50% of the equation and who knows what she'll do) or make a clean break of it. you have a lot on your plate right now psychologically. on one side of it is this relationship you've got with an incredibly unstable and manipulative woman, and on the other side you've got the option of ending it. what you should NOT do is tear yourself in two by standing in the middle and playing maybe-this/maybe-that games with her and some mystery guy as a fifth wheel.

it's easy for me to sit here and say you should run like your pants are on fire, which is what i'm inclined to say, but since you are already invested in this relationship, i think you should make a serious and sincere attempt at reconciliation. if she is not willing to meet you AT LEAST half way (and be prepared for the rather high possibility that she won't), THEN that's when you should definitely cut your losses. none of this half-way stuff, though.

EDIT FOR BELOW--->


Im just confused at this turn of things and why she is reaching out to me a little more now.

like i said, she is manipulative. she has her reasons, but she isn't going to say to you directly or honestly WHAT THEY ARE. which is precisely why you are confused. unless and until she decides to grow up and act like an adult, you will forever have to be second-guessing everything she tells you.

EDIT EDIT.
*IF* you attempt a reconciliation, by all means do not get her pregnant. OMFG
 ryeguy1988
Joined: 3/8/2011
Msg: 7
view profile
History
I know I should be running away but.....
Posted: 7/7/2011 7:18:46 AM
this is all very true, and I appreciate the bluntness, thats what im looking for cdn_iceman
 TDH49
Joined: 8/13/2010
Msg: 8
I know I should be running away but.....
Posted: 7/7/2011 7:23:19 AM
Leaving someone 4 months after walking down the aisle is a bit out there.
The woman realized she may have made a mistake by getting married to the OP, and instead on compounding that mistake she ended the married as soon as she realized this. Yes it would have been so much better if she had stuck it out for years and years being in a unhappy marriage.



When he does something that she doesn't like she turns to you; so she will be with you UNTIL she finds another guy like him she likes more. She is using you so she doesn't feel lonely when he doesnt want to be with her.
There is a lot of assumptions being tossed about in this thread based on one sided info given by the OP. But even from that all I am seeing is a confused woman who is now second guessing her decision to leave her marriage. Which is a natural thing to do under the circumstances.
 Kariann71
Joined: 4/26/2011
Msg: 9
I know I should be running away but.....
Posted: 7/7/2011 7:23:23 AM
She made her incredibly selfish choice and broke your heart, so I'd let her go. Run away, far far away. For your own well-being you need to cut her loose. Anyone who jumps ship so quickly after getting married and hooks up with someone else has serious relationship issues and will do nothing but cause you further heartache and pain.

As for dating again, no offense but I think it may be too soon. Give yourself time to recover from the loss of your marriage. Quick rebounds are rarely a good idea and will usually result in more grief. Take some time for yourself to heal.
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 10
I know I should be running away but.....
Posted: 7/7/2011 7:23:44 AM
You both married very young.

I'm sure that has a lot to do with it too.

She's not ready for marriage, she still has some wild oats to sow.


but since you are already invested in this relationship, i think you should make a serious and sincere attempt at reconciliation. ... mowtown


I don't think that is a good move mowtown.
What if children come into play, then the situation could get messier.

I would not suggest waiting for her.
Move on.

There are a lot of wonderful woman out there.
So take your time.
Enjoy your life.
Maybe even move out of Province to a bigger city, where you can test the waters.

She's just using you for when she is loney.
Not a nice thing to do.
So don't let her.

I know it's going to hurt to turn your back.
But you can do it.
Move on.

As for dating right now ... no.
You need time to heal.
You need to understand what happened, and you need to work on never repeating this situation.
Don't make some other young woman your rebound.
 ryeguy1988
Joined: 3/8/2011
Msg: 11
view profile
History
I know I should be running away but.....
Posted: 7/7/2011 7:24:29 AM
Hey Motown, I made the break, we were going to do the whole split up and be friends thing(mainly because we were still paying for the damn wedding lol) Im recovered in terms of being ok without her and realizing that a lot of marriages fail, which is unfortunate that peoples words no longer mean as much as they used to, Im just confused at this turn of things and why she is reaching out to me a little more now. I know there are other guys interested in her she has said that to me and I can see it quite clearly, she is not trying to rub that in my face and it doesn't , matter to me that it is. Id like to think that knowing someone for over 3.5 years and living with them and seeing them at there worst you tend to know them quite well and when they make a quick drastic change then its not usually the normal them......I know I sound like im on her side here, im really not im just looking for advice and the advice I have been getting so far has been the exact same things I have been thinking.
 ryeguy1988
Joined: 3/8/2011
Msg: 12
view profile
History
I know I should be running away but.....
Posted: 7/7/2011 7:29:49 AM
U make it entertaining, you make a lot of sense, id love to be able to move out of province, but im the type of person that does not deal well with a big change alone, im also currently in the start of my career and to be honest its kind of scary to be thinking going to a new province with no job as I would not have the ability to transfer as my job is local to my province.
 AtheistScholar
Joined: 6/18/2011
Msg: 13
I know I should be running away but.....
Posted: 7/7/2011 7:37:33 AM
Ryan - it's obvious you love your wife. I'm sorry, I know that pain, I know that heap of broken dreams and promises you are sorting through. My husband and I just split three months ago...

And though I love him, I'm never harboring hopes of us being together again. Because once someone pisses all over the solemn vows of a marriage, they have shown they are not stable enough to handle the larger commitments that life brings such as children or sickness. Everyone deserves to have a stable partner who is capable of reciprocating equal levels of love and commitment.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life worrying she will up and leave again without warning? Do you want to spend your life knowing you value and love your partner more than she does you? Do you want to spend your life guessing how she feels?....

You are a virtual stranger. But it is painfully obvious from the little you have written you are an extremely articulate and deep feeling man. Does a person with such characteristics not deserve his equal? Ryan, you may want to think twice about holding a candle for someone who may not deserve to be illuminated at your tireless effort....

As to your question about what she is doing: she could very well be interested again - but it doesn't much matter, because she's not mature enough to maintain her interest for the long haul. I would consider running, Ryan...
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 14
I know I should be running away but.....
Posted: 7/7/2011 8:02:39 AM
OP...when a woman loves you, the last thing she wants is for you to feel confused about the relationship. (a normal, balanced woman that is).

When we feel confused in a relationship it is because something aint right. Listen to your gut and if someone is causing confusion, stay away. It means trouble ahead and it is never a good sign.

It may be a bit lonely at times, but being lonely is far better than having your chain pulled everytime she gets bored enough to pull it. Walk away, start fresh. Tell her to leave you alone romantically as you are seeking a woman who doesnt get off on confusing you.
 foreverstacey
Joined: 11/28/2009
Msg: 15
I know I should be running away but.....
Posted: 7/7/2011 8:15:37 AM
She's not looking to get back together with you, she's looking to get you to chase after her. Don't do it. I'm also in agreement with the fact that you are NOT ready to date... this whole post proves it because you're still holding out hope, blow out the candle.

Also, I think its more normal to be a little nervous when getting married than not to be nervous at all.
 karma1160
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 16
I know I should be running away but.....
Posted: 7/7/2011 8:32:13 AM
Marriage is for keeps, unfortunately it sometimes has such a negative impact on the members that they must part their separate ways.

What you have here is a little girl trying to make big girl decisions.
Only take her back if you are willing, to ride a roller coaster until she grows up.

This pond can be exhiting and wonderful, it can also be alienating, and emotionally destructive.........
YOU are in no way ready for this place.
 warren_book
Joined: 7/2/2011
Msg: 17
I know I should be running away but.....
Posted: 7/7/2011 8:33:06 AM

I know I should be running away but.....

Then you don't know you should be running away.
You just think you are supposed to think you should be running away.

You are this girls stability and responsibility so she doesn't have to have any.
She did what she thought she was supposed to. It isn't what she wanted to do so left you.
You get to stick around and now she gets to use you as her go to guy.

Basically she is frankensteining a relationship.
What she's going to do is use you as the foundation. You are going to have a specific role. She may pay you once in a while with sex, or fake intimacy, telling you what you want to hear, etc., to keep you around giving her what she wants, being the stable never changing "I don't know what our relationship is" guy.
All while she is going to other men to find different aspects of what she wants at the moment.
Passion, romance, depression, whatever. All relationships that will fulfill some aspect, but be failures in all others.
And all her problems, all the failures, and all the drama are going to pitter patter to your door and she's going to come back to you because it's the easiest, non changing, stable relationship she has.

Basically like a child learning to swim.
You are her swim floaties and the edge of the pool. But what she wants to do is go struggle in the deep end to show what a big girl she is, have fun, and get that adrenaline and endorphin rush, and sense of accomplishment, and physical workout, and excitement, yet always have you there supporting her and so she can lean on you and never really has to learn to be responsible for learning how to swim.

If that's the relationship you want. Go for it. Stick around.


does it sound like she is maybe interested again

She never lost "interest" in you.
It will just never be what you think it is.
It's not going to ever be a "traditional" monogamous relationship between you two.


is it all just head games and should I run away?

The thing about head games is most of the time people don't realize they are playing them.
So IMO don't judge her for playing head games with you. Simply look at the relationship and her behavior as it is, ask yourself "if this is all it ever is, am I okay with that?" Maybe "Do I only value myself as much as one sided stability for someone else?" If no, run away.


it would be very difficult to fully forgive her for all she has put me through especially when she could not give me a suitable reason as to why she was ending things.

See? You are expecting her to change.
She is an irresponsible little girl, and you are expecting responsibility. You aren't going to "forgive" her until she is someone other than who she is.
How is that ever going to work?
 Kitten189
Joined: 5/25/2011
Msg: 18
I know I should be running away but.....
Posted: 7/7/2011 8:51:37 AM
Ryan,i really feel for you but i urge you to NOT get involved with her again coz its sounds like she's taking advantage of your kind nature and will probably hurt you again.

Give yourself some time to get your head together and dont get suckered back in.
 ryeguy1988
Joined: 3/8/2011
Msg: 19
view profile
History
I know I should be running away but.....
Posted: 7/7/2011 8:57:25 AM
you all are giving me some very good insight, it is true that you only know my side of the story and it would be really hard to judge something with only one side of it but I think you guys are doing a great job of giving me the extra little push just to cut all ties and not have anything to do with her, however, when were paying for a wedding it makes it a little more difficult, but that is almost done with now and it should be easier after that.

truth be told I know she has hit a low in her life, one of the things that I have somewhat gathered from my own ponderings and maybe a little hint form a mutual friend was that maybe I was to controlling with Money, I find that funny since I only made sure what had to be paid was paid, we went out probably 4 times a month or so, to either a nightclub, movies or what have you. so we didnt live a boring life by any means, I never bought stuff for myself and still don't really, not that im cheap, i just am not materialistic and don't need some things, dont get me wrong I do have a nice big tv and a top of the line computer(im a computer techie so i take pride in my computer hah) but after all of this I see it is bitter sweetness that she is having a difficult time with money and car issues, I mean im not so juvenile to say I get enjoyment out of it but to have an idea that my "budgeting" kept us sitting fairly nicely in terms of staying caught up with bills and what not, and now that I am not taking care of that for her she is doing very bad with that.
 Cdn_Iceman
Joined: 12/1/2010
Msg: 20
I know I should be running away but.....
Posted: 7/7/2011 9:10:47 AM
So what that she hit a low point in her life? that's her problem not yours......And it seems you're making excuses for her, its like those psychiatrists that blames the Serial killers upbringing and violence on TV that shaped them into a killer...no body wants to take responsibilities for their own actions.

You say her car died and she had no one to call? let me ask you this, what would of happened if you were on vacation or worse changed your phone number and she could get a hold of you, who do you think she would call?

Stop rescuing her and holding on to hope, she is what she is and you two are not compatible, this is one of the reason why I believe people under 25 shouldn't marry, men and women mature differently, you might of been in sync 3 years ago that doesn't mean you will be in sync today, the couples that has the most success in their relationships realizes that, and they will tell you , they are constantly growing and learning taking responsibilities for their actions.
 BigBadNIrish
Joined: 1/31/2011
Msg: 21
I know I should be running away but.....
Posted: 7/7/2011 9:20:40 AM

does it sound like she is maybe interested again


It sounds like she's interested in having a date to the wedding so she's not imbarrassed about going alone-without her current B/F...and it sounds like you'll attemt to get back together again with someone who values you like smelly garbage...but, hey....we can't wait for the sequel.
 ryeguy1988
Joined: 3/8/2011
Msg: 22
view profile
History
I know I should be running away but.....
Posted: 7/7/2011 9:27:53 AM
no I completely agree with you, as much as it did hurt and I still look back from time to time and may wish it could ahve been different, its not, plain and simple, I cant say much about marrying early because it didn't work out for me but another couple could marry early and it could work out very well, age can mean experience but even young people can have experience in different scenarios.

Anyone I know that are in a relationship and are having issues I tell them one thing, arguements are what make or break a relationship, if there is none then someone has to be holding something in, i think argueing is very healthy as long as its not over the top bringing any type of abuse.

I was stuck in a rut where I was coming up with every scenario that has me as the bad guy and plain and simple I was not perfect in the relationship and I cannot say that she deserves all the blame but I feel my actions were to try and better the relationship when we hit a rut and hers wasnt, plain and simple I was willing to do the work and live up to my vows while she wasnt.
 mr_ultimo
Joined: 6/26/2011
Msg: 23
I know I should be running away but.....
Posted: 7/7/2011 9:29:33 AM
No reason to run away. Just set the boundaries, that's all. Like you've said, she just wasn't ready for the kind of commitment that marriage is. She still likes you, probably feels bad about the divorce. Probably wishes she never said yes to marry you. Tell her you can be friends but that you're really looking for someone to be in a long term committed relationship. You might want to take some time off away from her for a year or so, to get over the divorce. That will really help you not be so confused when you're together. But let her know. Good luck! Take some time off before trying to date again!
 ryeguy1988
Joined: 3/8/2011
Msg: 24
view profile
History
I know I should be running away but.....
Posted: 7/7/2011 9:29:59 AM
Hey bigbadnirish,

were both in the wedding so its not actually the case, I mean the dance maybe, but I dont think thats the case at all, I could be wrong but I wont let that happen, im not willing to play second fiddle and, not even willing to "play" anyways
 ryeguy1988
Joined: 3/8/2011
Msg: 25
view profile
History
I know I should be running away but.....
Posted: 7/7/2011 10:47:32 AM
Hey Holly_Golightly1,

While I appreciate you taking the time to respond and I do agree that I need to take some time and see what happens with things not involving her, I think that I was very much ready for marriage, at a young age looking back I was surprised with how mature I seemed to be and how I dealt with things, I mean I took a little bit of a dive since then and now living the bachelor lifestyle that I didnt when I was 19-20, but I still wouldn't change anything up until mid February.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > I know I should be running away but.....