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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Why must the guy do it all?      Home login  
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 MrResilien7
Joined: 7/6/2011
Msg: 1
Why must the guy do it all?Page 1 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
Hey everyone. Why is it that when it comes to dating or even just meeting someone the guy has to initiate? Even when a girl really would like to get to know a guy she'll hold off until he introduces himself. Im shy by nature and have a fear of rejection, but sometimes girls make it real obvious that they're into you. Despite them making it obvious they still want the guy to make the first "move". Then not only that but then as a guy u have to constantly cater to them. I understand being there for them and all but shouldn't it go both ways? The interesting part is that if the guy doesn't make the first move then they will let the opportunity pass and possibly miss a good thing. Thanks in advance for ur input.
 I-am-Rei
Joined: 9/11/2009
Msg: 2
Why must the guy do it all?
Posted: 7/9/2011 3:04:56 AM

The interesting part is that if the guy doesn't make the first move then they will let the opportunity pass and possibly miss a good thing.

I think it will be you who will let the opportunity pass, not the women. If you already knew what you have said above then why not step up and make the move? Most often than not, confidence is more attractive than good looks.

 MrResilien7
Joined: 7/6/2011
Msg: 3
Why must the guy do it all?
Posted: 7/9/2011 3:14:41 AM
Very true confidence is a very attractive attribute. However, confidence is a two way street. But most often the only reason I notice is cuz of how obvious they make it. If the women are the ones with the initial interest then why can't they step up and see what the guys about?
 motown cowgirl
Joined: 6/30/2010
Msg: 4
Why must the guy do it all?
Posted: 7/9/2011 4:21:33 AM
imagine a world where women are programmed from a young age that their primary value and social status is their physical appearance and their ability to attract a man's positive attention because of it. now ask yourself how many women in such a world, after a lifetime of being bombarded with such messages both overtly and covertly, would actually feel confident enough to approach a man and risk the inevitable rejection based on...... their looks. the answer is: you're living in that world; and there ain't that many of 'em.

that's the general psycho-social context for your answer. however, there are women out there who have no problem approaching a man if they're interested. i don't know that they're super-rare; perhaps they are merely bored.
 nerdgirl1982
Joined: 5/29/2011
Msg: 5
Why must the guy do it all?
Posted: 7/9/2011 4:35:16 AM
I personally have no problems approaching a guy IRL and on POF, but I also know that is rare. I will say that in most cases I don't get a response back on here when I send one but the actual times that messaging has led to meeting has been when the guy has actually initiated. Not sure why but that's been the case.
 Savona
Joined: 11/22/2010
Msg: 6
Why must the guy do it all?
Posted: 7/9/2011 4:38:16 AM
When women make the first advance most men assume she is desperate? Has Issue or is looking for free drinks or such.
 I-am-Rei
Joined: 9/11/2009
Msg: 7
Why must the guy do it all?
Posted: 7/9/2011 5:03:37 AM

If the women are the ones with the initial interest then why can't they step up and see what the guys about?

Maybe because those women are smart enough to know that their initial interest will fade once they sense your insecurity.
 Rozewater
Joined: 10/4/2010
Msg: 8
Why must the guy do it all?
Posted: 7/9/2011 5:06:10 AM
Try going after different girls and stop thinking just because you are attracted to a girl that you somehow are entitled to have her. A girl is not a piece of gum, you got to work at getting her, just like she has to work at keeping your interest once you do get her.
 MrResilien7
Joined: 7/6/2011
Msg: 9
Why must the guy do it all?
Posted: 7/9/2011 5:20:38 AM
Ok so basically what im getting is just do it and live with the results. Ok I can accept that. Another thing im picking up is draw my own lines and tolerate only what I want. Make them prove to me that they have something more to offer me than what im looking for. Is that correct?
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 10
Why must the guy do it all?
Posted: 7/9/2011 5:23:36 AM
Im going to give you the same advice Id give to a woman who is too shy to approach.

Do something about it!!

Its YOUR life, no one else is obligated to overcome YOUR issues.

I was terribly shy, and that shy girl still lives inside me. I did something about it. I joined Toastmasters and didnt leave until I had been that club's president for 5 years. I learned that although my body will make me feel like it would be better to be swallowed whole rather than talk to new people....that I would survive that internal pain AND live to tell the tale. The mantra is practice, practice, practice. This once extremely shy woman now gives presentations to large groups, including executives. Inside I am still afraid, but I learned most everyone is and most just learned to hide it better than others. I learned to hide it and that is more than half the battle when you realise no one else knows what you are feeling at that moment unless you give it away.

Dont ever count on or expect someone to make a move you really wanted to make, Life dont work that way.

Add to that...women are still raised to think men should approach. I still to this day see parents subtly scolding little girls who are 'too forward'''it is unlady like. Society has not caught up with all of the changes...and you need to adjust to fit in or you will lose out. I still hear men mock women who hit on them, refer to them as desperate. Until all of these things change...you are where you are. Deal with it.

Most women dont start to do some approaching until they have been dating for a long time. They dont know right out the gate that some guys like to be approached-they were likely coached to think that is not true. It is with time and experience, meeting men who actually tell them they like it etc...before they begin to realise maybe they were taught some really outdated stuff. It will be a few more generations before men and women are brought up to believe dating is 100% equal in all areas. You need to deal with the way society is and not live in "I wish soceity was like this" state of mind. Yeah...we all see things we would change if we could, but serenity is knowing what you have power to change and it's pretty much just yourself and how you react to life that you have real control over.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 11
Why must the guy do it all?
Posted: 7/9/2011 5:30:14 AM

Hey everyone. Why is it that when it comes to dating or even just meeting someone the guy has to initiate?

That's not always true.

Even when a girl really would like to get to know a guy she'll hold off until he introduces himself.

Also not true. Some women do make the first move.
Im shy by nature and have a fear of rejection, but sometimes girls make it real obvious that they're into you.
Then you don't have to worry about rejection.

Despite them making it obvious they still want the guy to make the first "move".

Making it obvious might be the first move. Ever think of that?

The interesting part is that if the guy doesn't make the first move then they will let the opportunity pass and possibly miss a good thing.

Well, if no one makes a move then I guess nothing ever happens. Which is fine if you're OK with that.
 Janet_Always
Joined: 12/7/2010
Msg: 12
Why must the guy do it all?
Posted: 7/9/2011 5:48:27 AM

Im shy by nature and have a fear of rejection

No woman wants a scared little boy. It's not sexy.

You really need to do something about that -- not just for dating -- but for EVERY aspect of your life.

The only way to overcome your fear is to practice over and over again. Eventually it becomes easier.
 motown cowgirl
Joined: 6/30/2010
Msg: 13
Why must the guy do it all?
Posted: 7/9/2011 6:03:05 AM
Im shy by nature and have a fear of rejection,

i missed this part of your post. i'll come back to echo what femaleconnection and others have said about shyness.... you need to overcome it because the world will just not come to you. you have to put yourself out there, and you have to put yourself in the driver's seat of your own life.

take whatever time you need to overcome your shyness. the returns you get from learning how to not be shy are FAR greater than any effort you'll spend getting some better social skills. i know, because i was once painfully shy. it's a terrible burden to impose on yourself. Toastmasters is a great idea. although i never joined, i did go to one meeting and was impressed with the group. i speak to top executives and boards of directors often, and i gotta say i just LOVE me some audience. i can be a little evil about it actually, but i figure it's the lesser of two evils at this point ;)
 MrResilien7
Joined: 7/6/2011
Msg: 14
Why must the guy do it all?
Posted: 7/9/2011 6:06:59 AM
The thing is that im very confident in almost every other aspect of my life. I guess its cuz I can't really control her reactions or feelings that's what keeps me back. Everything else in my life I pretty much control the outcome but when it comes to having to rely on what they feel its different. But y'all are right the only thing I can do is put ip or shut up. Thanks for the input.
 Skotch
Joined: 5/12/2010
Msg: 15
view profile
History
Why must the guy do it all?
Posted: 7/9/2011 6:21:56 AM
Message #4 via Motown cowgirl says it all.

Here's a slightly different take on the POF perspective. I have been messaged by women as the first contact. It is indeed pretty awesome. Whether I initiated it or they did though, generally what has happened (and why I'm still here) is that I'll start asking them to things, there will be scheduling conflicts, and then they'll say something along the lines of "I met someone I really feel a connection with so I'm taking a break from POF." Point of the matter is its supply and demand. Don't think you're the only one talking to this woman, she's probably got multiple offers already going for her, so yah, you have to step up to the plate and ask, because she doesn't need to.
 Rozewater
Joined: 10/4/2010
Msg: 16
Why must the guy do it all?
Posted: 7/9/2011 6:30:35 AM
Points noted Unclezeus. Good reply. Not my best reply. I like your attitude. The OP should learn from it.
 mr_ultimo
Joined: 6/26/2011
Msg: 17
Why must the guy do it all?
Posted: 7/9/2011 6:48:55 AM
Dude, the key is to practice. Just go up to women who you could care less about and ask them out. If they say no, who cares! At least, you'll start to get over your shyness and start developing some confidence. Also, if you do it with women you don't care about, you'll start to develop a detached feeling towards it which will make you more attractive. Good luck!
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 18
Why must the guy do it all?
Posted: 7/9/2011 6:50:41 AM

I personally have no problems approaching a guy IRL and on POF, but I also know that is rare. I will say that in most cases I don't get a response back on here when I send one but the actual times that messaging has led to meeting has been when the guy has actually initiated. Not sure why but that's been the case.


Yeah, that. And this, along with Motown's great analysis, is why a lot of women just don't initiate even if they are interested. There is a general impression that men require the thrill of the hunt, right or wrong.
 mateo45
Joined: 1/17/2008
Msg: 19
view profile
History
Why must the guy do it all?
Posted: 7/9/2011 7:05:13 AM
Dunno about the "thrill of the hunt" part, but let's face it, women crave attention, they want to feel "special" and "desired" (albeit by the 'right' guy).

The OP might also look into cultivating the style of a "bad boy". Certainly requires less "effort", although there is that problem that it tends to attract a certain "type"!
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 20
Why must the guy do it all?
Posted: 7/9/2011 7:06:15 AM
There are a lot of smart women on this thread.

Best to take note and listen.

Off topic ...

5 years as president of your toastmasters club femaleconnection.
That is awesome!
My group has been an absolute blessing.
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 21
Why must the guy do it all?
Posted: 7/9/2011 7:23:31 AM

If the women are the ones with the initial interest then why can't they step up and see what the guys about?


You may find smart women online may do just that, though some may not recognize a redundant newbie broadcasting/billboarding thread when they see it,
and had a chance to use those Delete Thread buttons as they should have...
 warren_book
Joined: 7/2/2011
Msg: 22
Why must the guy do it all?
Posted: 7/9/2011 7:35:54 AM

Why is it that when it comes to dating or even just meeting someone the guy has to initiate?

You don't "have" to initiate.
But it's like anything in life (not part of a government entitlement program).
If you want something, you have to go for it, and work at it.


Im shy by nature and have a fear of rejection, but sometimes girls make it real obvious that they're into you.

If they are that obvious about being interested...then you really aren't initiating anything are you.


. I understand being there for them and all but shouldn't it go both ways?

Shoulda woulda coulda.
You can shitta in one hand and shoulda in the other and see which one fills up faster.


The interesting part is that if the guy doesn't make the first move then they will let the opportunity pass and possibly miss a good thing

So that's their problem.
And then they have to learn to initiate and be more direct and clear.

That's not really the interesting part.
The interesting part is that you hide behind saying it's interesting they won't go against who they are to give you what you want, even though you classify it as in their best interest and a guarantee of getting what you think they want, and not realizing it's all in your head and simply a trained means of whining while attempting to avoid being seen as whining.
All posted with the intent to get attention that they (the person you want attention from) won't give you.
 MrResilien7
Joined: 7/6/2011
Msg: 23
Why must the guy do it all?
Posted: 7/9/2011 7:49:38 AM
There seems to be some confusion with my intent of this thread. By no means am I whining about anything. I started this thread to get an answer from unbiased ppl who wont sugar coat anything and just speak from their experiences or their opinions. This thread wasn't started to get anyones attention either. That would be attention that would get me nowhere.
 BigBadNIrish
Joined: 1/31/2011
Msg: 24
Why must the guy do it all?
Posted: 7/9/2011 7:57:24 AM

The thing is that im very confident in almost every other aspect of my life.


OP...if that's the case then just transfer this attitude to dating...pull up your man pants...make the contacts...follow-up with those that show interest....stay up beat...don't get angry at no replies or notes of no interest...these just mean you're one step closer to a yes.

Gawd, the "Nice Guy" "I get no repliesw" thread rolled into one...



When women make the first advance most men assume she is desperate?


Why would you say this??? I wouldn't think that at all....I would decide if I was interested and respond accordingly.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 25
Why must the guy do it all?
Posted: 7/9/2011 8:08:21 AM

Why is it that when it comes to dating or even just meeting someone the guy has to initiate?

The guy doesn't have to initiate. However, just like any other endeavor, you have a lot more opportunities to succeed if you do something to create opportunities rather than wait for the opportunities to find you. You won't find gold by waiting for the gold to find you.
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