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 OneLitreOfTears
Joined: 5/6/2011
Msg: 1
no sex/kiss on the first datePage 1 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
Every guys i been on a date and all they want is sex or kiss on the first date, but my dating rule or dating theory is that i need to get to know a person for a few months before i can have sex with the person. I guess i been following this rule of my own for the past 8 years and its work so far but after my ex-fiance of 7 years cheated on me i cant bare to find a person as patient as him. He waited for 2 years before he can have sex with me lol. is there any guys out there isnt thinking about sex on the first date? is that wrong to do so?
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 2
no sex/kiss on the first date
Posted: 7/11/2011 10:51:56 PM
My dating rule was to never go on a second date with a woman who didn't kiss me on the first date. (Now that I'm engaged, I'm not allowed to go on dates.) I figure that if girls in jr. high school kissed on first dates more than 30 years ago, I can expect a grown woman in 2011 to have gotten at least that liberated.

Is there any guys out there isnt thinking about sex on the first date? is that wrong to do so?

Possibly, but I've never heard of one anywhere but in Ripley's Believe It or Not.

is that wrong to do so?

No. You can do whatever you think is best as long as you don't mind waiting for someone who fits your idea of dating.
 Theophannia
Joined: 5/7/2010
Msg: 3
no sex/kiss on the first date
Posted: 7/12/2011 1:52:15 AM
Women have sex to get love. Men give love to get sex. So here's the deal.

DO NOT PUT OUT ON THE FIRST DATE. OR THE SECOND. YOUR RULE IS FINE.

As a woman, I can not understand how women how have sex randomly can **** about how men use them for sex. They cant use you for it if you dont give it to them idiot.

NEXT:
IF AFTER SEX BECOMES NORMAL THEIR BEHAVIOR TOWARDS YOU CHANGES AND THEY START TREATING YOU WITH LESS CARING AND LOVE
GET OUT THEN AND THERE AND CUT OFF THE SEX

The only way women are going to break the used for sex cycle is to stop letting men get away with it.
 mr_ultimo
Joined: 6/26/2011
Msg: 4
no sex/kiss on the first date
Posted: 7/12/2011 2:27:53 AM
Perhaps you are too rigid and set yourself up for the cheating. I've dated people that didn't allow a kiss for a long time, too, but they tended to have issues of allowing intimacy. Are you sure you don't have problems with becoming intimate?

But I see no problem with waiting to kiss. And, I would tend to agree with waiting. I now have adopted a new approach to become friends first and wait, too. but this is a decision to build a foundation of friendship, not just to learn about the person but to build a strong connection. If such a connection cannot be established then they are not right for me. Sex tends to cloud the mind and confuse the heart. But the problem with this approach is the quality of the intimacy. It could be that be holding off this level of intimacy so often that perhaps you are very inexperienced in that department and opening the door to cheating. Give this some thought. Good Luck!
 CallmeKen
Joined: 9/4/2009
Msg: 5
no sex/kiss on the first date
Posted: 7/12/2011 2:33:10 AM
I agree with abelian. If you are just having a pre-date coffee, then a hug is acceptable. But you expect a guy to plunk down $100 or more for dinner and a movie or concert tickets, and then refuse to give him even a peck on the cheek? If I want to talk to a woman who's only interested in my money, I'll go to a strip club. At least there I can see her naked.


is there any guys out there isnt thinking about sex on the first date?

Personally, I wouldn't want to have sex with a woman until we are both tested for STDs, and until we are monogamous in our dating each other. If you want to wait for 3 months (to see if a person will seroconvert to HIV+), that's a valid reason. But if you make him wait so you can be the "good girl" to your parents, or so you can stroke your own ego by being chased, then keep running, sister. I'm too old for the running of that bull.
 cjcgirl
Joined: 5/21/2011
Msg: 6
no sex/kiss on the first date
Posted: 7/12/2011 3:33:07 AM
He waited two years to have sex with you and he cheats on you now? I think it's kinda weird if a guy doesn't try to kiss me on a first date and would wonder whats wrong with him. I am sure there might be at least ONE guy out there willing to wait that long for you. Good luck finding him.
 fljrsy
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 7
no sex/kiss on the first date
Posted: 7/12/2011 3:57:46 AM
Women are thinking about sex, too...
 Yew4ics
Joined: 9/30/2010
Msg: 8
no sex/kiss on the first date
Posted: 7/12/2011 4:36:16 AM
I certainly hope he's thinking about it on the first date. I am. We may not do it, but if one or both isnt thinking about it, then the attraction isn't there. Doesnt everyone know on the first date, if they find someone sexually desireable? How soon to act on that desire depends on other factors. Is he respectful? Do I like his personality? Do we have good mental coonection and chemistry? SOmetimes it takes a couple dates to get the feel of those things. But 2 years? wow...
 motown cowgirl
Joined: 6/30/2010
Msg: 9
no sex/kiss on the first date
Posted: 7/12/2011 4:59:05 AM
it's YOUR bod... you are entitled to share it or not share it according to what YOU want. make sure it's what YOU want. when you find somebody else who is willing to accept your terms, that's where the potential for a relationship starts to happen.

at the same time, you have to realize there are a lot of guys out there who are not willing to wait a few months before jumping in the sack with you. if that's what you want, it's entirely your perogative but don't expect a whole lot men to be lining up at your door for a chance to make it past your 90-day probation period. and, if you are asking a guy to wait months & months AND be exclusive, you might as well fold up the tent and go home. i mean, it's not like you're trying to preserve your virginity at this point. who are you kidding?

priorities. what are yours? and.... why do you have them? and would it make sense to compromise by taking the average of one date and three months, and start with the physical intimacy at somewhere around the six week mark? if you can answer these questions to YOUR OWN satisfaction and with CLARITY, you won't need to come here asking us if it's okay for you to not put out on the first date like a common floozy. that's a ridiculous question.

also, don't throw a whole lot of your sexual energy at a guy if your real intent is to show more restraint. i have a feeling this is a habit of yours. they get really frustrated being led on like that. you can easily, EASILY lead a man down the path of having lots of ideas about "sex on the first date" and all it takes in most cases is a lil' hint or two that's only about the diameter of a pubic hair. you know what i mean. and if you DON'T, you'd better damn sure figure it out. gawd, just sayin.

if a guy wants a kiss on the first date, that's just because he definitely, definitely likes you and wants a second date. many of them can't help themselves, really. they are like puppy dogs and you are the bacon. no harm in a quick kiss if you feel the same way, but i personally would not be having some guy's tongue down my throat that i just met, but that's just because i like men who have matured past the hungry dog stage. and i would never even speak to anyone again who even hinted at asking for sex on a first date. are you kidding me.

 UglyFroggieCritter
Joined: 8/21/2010
Msg: 10
no sex/kiss on the first date
Posted: 7/12/2011 4:59:59 AM
Everybody has their own moral guide when it comes to having sex or even the first kiss. You have chosen what feels right for you. Others may not respect that or even agree, but those are definitely not the types you want in your life anyway.

If you find yourelf in the type of situation that does not sit comfortably with your morals, then excuse yourself from it. If you are finding these men online, then perhaps you should tell them of your decsion before meeting them for the first time. If they insist "it's just a little kiss", leave.

There are men out there with similar values that you have, you'll just have to search a little longer and be a little more patient.

Good luck.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 11
view profile
History
no sex/kiss on the first date
Posted: 7/12/2011 5:08:44 AM
Op, I'm confused by your description of your situation and experiences.

You say that your ex was uniquely wonderful, waiting for TWO YEARS for sex, but then cheated on you. That's a HUGE contradiction, and not indicative of a "successful" dating strategy, to my thinking.

Then you say that your "rule" has been "working" for the past 8 years, but that's contradicted by the fact that you DON'T HAVE A RELATIONSHIP. That suggests to me again, that your system ISN'T working at all, except in the category of "self satisfaction."

Yes, there ARE guys who aren't thinking about sex during the first date, but most of them who are like that, decided the moment that they saw you in person, that they wanted to be elsewhere, and the rest are secretly gay.

The whole POINT of a male-female relationship IS sex, when you come down to it, on some level. It has to be MORE than that to be satisfying enough to last any amount of time, but if sex is NOT a part of the thinking from the beginning, the relationship isn't going to be romantic, it will be pure business.

I'm betting that you've presented a confused version of things here, and that what this really boils down to, is that during your lead up to the date, both of you are encouraging positive, at least SEMI sexual thoughts about each other, and then on the date, you are disappointed that the guy actually wants to FOLLOW THROUGH on that. Just guessing though.
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 12
view profile
History
no sex/kiss on the first date
Posted: 7/12/2011 5:51:15 AM
Yet another thoughtful post by Igor. I have to agree with his points, and add one more -- if you go back and read her profile, what kind of person "can't stand animals"?
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 13
no sex/kiss on the first date
Posted: 7/12/2011 6:02:33 AM

if a guy wants a kiss on the first date, that's just because he definitely, definitely likes you and wants a second date.

But more importantly, I wanted to know of she was interested enough in a second date to make it worthwhile to go on a second date.

many of them can't help themselves, really.

Well, I could, but then I wouldn't know if it was worthwhile to go on a second date. Why would I want to let a woman who was interested in me keep me in the dark? If a woman is really interested, she'll kiss the guy like she means it.

they are like puppy dogs and you are the bacon. no harm in a quick kiss if you feel the same way, but i personally would not be having some guy's tongue down my throat that i just met, but that's just because i like men who have matured past the hungry dog stage.

Woof.
 motown cowgirl
Joined: 6/30/2010
Msg: 14
no sex/kiss on the first date
Posted: 7/12/2011 6:04:31 AM
^^^we know your story, m'dear. down, boy. i said DOWN.
 Yew4ics
Joined: 9/30/2010
Msg: 15
no sex/kiss on the first date
Posted: 7/12/2011 6:14:29 AM

i personally would not be having some guy's tongue down my throat that i just met, but that's just because i like men who have matured past the hungry dog stage.





Woof


Yes, exactly. Bring on the hungry dog. I hope most men never do mature past that. I don't always see 'maturity' as a good thing. If I'm really attracted to someone I do want to make out with him on that first date.
 goodquestion
Joined: 6/29/2005
Msg: 16
no sex/kiss on the first date
Posted: 7/12/2011 6:23:32 AM
I am with *cowboy* on this one. Two years is a long time. Lets not get on men for wanting a kiss or have sex on a first date or two. There are women who also think the same way. I think what works for you is what works, but lets not generalise and point to men. Was it him that wanted to wait two years or you saying it is to soon? Sometimes I move slow and just think about it and the woman makes the first move and I am eager to go right along. Were you at least discussing it for the two years. No way I could be that close to someone for that long and not want to stay so far from them.
 Janet_Always
Joined: 12/7/2010
Msg: 17
no sex/kiss on the first date
Posted: 7/12/2011 6:32:17 AM

my ex-fiance of 7 years cheated on me i cant bare to find a person as patient as him. He waited for 2 years before he can have sex with me lol.

I think you confused someone "willing to wait" with being a good guy.

I suggest to you that he was having sex with others while waiting to have sex with you.

(If someone is willing to wait 2 years I'd think something was up.)

That's just not normal (or healthy) to me.

At least at my age.
 goodquestion
Joined: 6/29/2005
Msg: 18
no sex/kiss on the first date
Posted: 7/12/2011 6:36:09 AM

I think you confused someone "willing to wait" with being a good guy.

I suggest to you that he was having sex with others while waiting to have sex with you.

(If someone is willing to wait 2 years I'd think something was up.)

That's just not normal (or healthy) to me.

At least at my age.

very well put. He was probally cheating right off the bat. As I stated I could not be that close to someone for that amount of time but yet be so far.
 TedJMill
Joined: 7/6/2005
Msg: 19
view profile
History
no sex/kiss on the first date
Posted: 7/12/2011 6:38:59 AM
I wouldn't have a problem with it. I might ask whether we should kiss good night on about the fourth date. And two years before sex would be fine; the longer I don't have to deal with sex, the better.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 20
no sex/kiss on the first date
Posted: 7/12/2011 6:45:47 AM

I have had sex on a first date because I WANTED TO I liked him and fancied him physically the feeling was mutual so we had sex, I was open minded enough to know he may not be interested after but I had that in my mind and lived for the moment.


Bingo.

If you create all these rules, what eventually happens is that you attract the type of people that will become self fulfilling prophecies. If you want to have sex, have sex, not because you are giving him something, but because you want to take something.

Also, I am with Abelian and Cowboy on this one. If there is no kissing on the first date, no spark of chemistry to another level, it simply is not going to be a second date, and I don't care if you are the queen of shiva, the most beautiful woman in the world.

The problem a lot of times with women that get so guarded is that they want the alpha type of guy, but don't realize that they are not going to wait for her. So consequently they end up empty handed, or fall for the first player that cut through their rules.
 1osubuckeye
Joined: 1/12/2011
Msg: 21
view profile
History
no sex/kiss on the first date
Posted: 7/12/2011 8:29:59 AM
Just have sex with them on the first date. After that they will decide if there is any love interest without the sexual tension all the time which is annoying.
 rik071
Joined: 5/24/2010
Msg: 22
no sex/kiss on the first date
Posted: 7/12/2011 10:19:02 AM
As a general rule if there isn't a kiss on the first date, I take it as we didn't get a connection, and there is nothing there.
On the second date I don't really expect much more, maybe a little heavier kissing.
On the third date I am starting to expect sex, and although it may not be the last date, I start to question if it is worth pursuing, and without sex soon it will end.
Sex does not make a relationship, but it is an important part, not just in the beginning but through out the entire relationship.
I personally have always had sex by the 3rd date, but if you feel strong about this you should stick with it, but be honest about it during the first date or before. I really believe honesty from the begining is always best, this makes for a few first dates only that waynobodys time is waisted, and nobody gets hurt.
Reality of your situation is most men and women don't feel this way and it could be difficult for you to find someone willing to wait that long.
 Theophannia
Joined: 5/7/2010
Msg: 23
no sex/kiss on the first date
Posted: 7/12/2011 12:51:59 PM
Where did this two years no sex thing come in? She said her last bf waited that long but her rule is to wait a few months, which I assume in woman speak is an estimation, and not a set rule, but rather to wait it out until she KNOWS he's not playing her. Perhaps I assumed too much.

My take in the issue is that two months CAN DEFINATELY be pushing it on no sex or intimacy thing, and no kiss by at least date two is throw back to pond.

However waiting for sex until past a a few dates, and by a few I don't mean by date 3, is just generally not being a slut.

The way I read OPs post was that she was making the point to WAIT before jumping in the bedroom.

On that note, I ammend my previous statement. NO MAN is going to wait two months for you to show a sexual interest. Why? How important is chemistry for you OP? I can guess it is just as important for men. And like a previous poster said, sexual compatability is a big deal in long term. I would say kiss by date 3 at MOST depending on circumstances, if no kiss, throw fish back. And if you feel the time is right, then fine, you can hit the bedroom. If not then don't. But certainly don't make a rule about it, and don't hand out sex like candy.
 Theophannia
Joined: 5/7/2010
Msg: 24
no sex/kiss on the first date
Posted: 7/12/2011 12:58:56 PM

I personally have always had sex by the 3rd date


Exactly why I wait to have sex. Lets see judging by the average male date rate, I would think that that adds up to alot of sex by 40, in other words, a LOT of sexual partners before me. And I don't enjoy chewing on a toy that every pup in the neighborhood and then some had before me.
 goodquestion
Joined: 6/29/2005
Msg: 25
no sex/kiss on the first date
Posted: 7/12/2011 1:14:15 PM

Women have sex to get love. Men give love to get sex.

That is almost the way I see it, women need to feel love to make love and men need to make love to feel love.
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