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 Rozewater
Joined: 10/4/2010
Msg: 1
Getting to know a person through writingPage 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Is it just me or do you women find that many men do not like to write very much. Here we are on a dating site where you have to send mails to one another and guys just don't seem to get with the program and write. Is this a gender thing or do you guys too get women that do not write very much. Often I will get short messages even after the first "hello" mail. Then some push to go to phone calls, text or IM right away. If you don't want to write (longish) mails to get to know a person then get ye to a bar to pick somebody up I say.

Would be curious to hear from guys (or girls) if they like writing longer mails or not.
 Spider_MacGyver
Joined: 6/11/2011
Msg: 2
Getting to know a person through writing
Posted: 7/12/2011 7:39:13 PM
To me it's less about how much do we mail/how soon do we call, and more about "my way or the highway" -- if you're not a match, best to know that quickly.
 forumfishie
Joined: 9/17/2009
Msg: 3
Getting to know a person through writing
Posted: 7/12/2011 7:41:14 PM
I think the only men who go on and on
writing about themselves
are ..........Nigerian
and that's because they are about to mention
the sick relative they have in the hospital
and could you send $1000 to help?

Men in general want to talk on the phone
and then meet you

They don't want to tell you the story of their life
in writing
 Rozewater
Joined: 10/4/2010
Msg: 4
Getting to know a person through writing
Posted: 7/12/2011 7:46:55 PM

They don't want to tell you the story of their life
in writing


Yes, I often get that feeling. But again it begs the question why choose a writing medium to connect and why should women (or men if it applies) feel bad about expecting them to write. lol. Oh well. Will be a short topic I think.
 aznativex2
Joined: 6/22/2011
Msg: 5
Getting to know a person through writing
Posted: 7/12/2011 7:47:11 PM
Hey there. Just ran across your post and wanted to respond. It isn't just y0u because I find that many woman don't write much. Which I find odd because most women talk about wanting a man who is able to communicate but don't practice what they preach. I actually enjoy writing and for me it allows me to gain insight to someone else's thought processes. I have found that in person an individual can mislead you but in email (for the most part) they are open and honest. Just my 2 cents. Take care.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 6
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Getting to know a person through writing
Posted: 7/12/2011 7:48:04 PM
I think alot of men aren't real comfortable with typing .......and just find it easier to communicate over the phone
 Laha Math
Joined: 7/15/2010
Msg: 7
Getting to know a person through writing
Posted: 7/12/2011 7:49:56 PM
The site is for introductions. What you do with them depends on your preferences. In everyday life I find more people prefer the telephone to email. Communicating with symbols does not convey all the information you can get from the sound of a person's voice. I like writing but it's not as informative.
 Titus_Maccius_Plautus
Joined: 6/26/2011
Msg: 8
Getting to know a person through writing
Posted: 7/12/2011 7:55:10 PM
I'd say it's not a gender thing. I've had women e-mail me with "Hi" and that was the totality of their message. Try to build a conversation on that.
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 9
Getting to know a person through writing
Posted: 7/12/2011 8:17:28 PM
But again it begs the question why choose a writing medium to connect and why should women (or men if it applies) feel bad about expecting them to write.


It's not like there are tons of choices out there for all of us in terms of mediums for meeting suitable partners. We're not all college kids surrounded by people our own age. Not all of us are drinkers who feel comfortable going to singles bars.

We don't all go to church, nor do we all work in environments where we regularly come into contact with suitable prospects. That leaves dating sites---which many people treat as a method of introduction rather than a way to get to know someone. Hence, their rush to the phone to set up a meeting.
 banterman21
Joined: 2/11/2009
Msg: 10
Getting to know a person through writing
Posted: 7/12/2011 8:24:45 PM
i myself enjoy writing but if there is any true interest i also wanted to have the phone conversation where as it is much easier to to have a true conversation and i feel you can always get a better feeling for the person in talking and hearing their voice then if that flows freely chances are that talking in person will flow much easier
 kasia kisses
Joined: 3/20/2009
Msg: 11
Getting to know a person through writing
Posted: 7/12/2011 8:44:51 PM
from my experience men, in general do not like to type on a computer, they are visual creatures and prefer to get on to the viewing of the eye candy rather then spend time learning and typing in a patient way , I understand the only way to see if there is chemistry is face to face, I tend to move a bit more slowly I am not in a big rush to meet, seems men on the other hand want to meet up within a few moments of chatting.
 garvey14
Joined: 6/6/2011
Msg: 12
Getting to know a person through writing
Posted: 7/12/2011 8:46:23 PM
This is a dating site so the point is to actually meet. I think you can gain valuable insight from an exchange of a few emails and once that is done it is time to communicate verbally! Then you gain another level of insight and can determine if you want to meet that person but I prefer this to be a short process. After the first meeting the on line thing becomes a non issue and everything gets a little more normal.
 vnufall
Joined: 3/6/2011
Msg: 13
Getting to know a person through writing
Posted: 7/12/2011 8:56:47 PM
no most men aren't writers...they want to jump to the phone quick. for me i could im for hours....lol....if the conversation is enjoyable.
 Red Fish GF
Joined: 12/3/2009
Msg: 14
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Getting to know a person through writing
Posted: 7/12/2011 9:53:01 PM
OP

Would be curious to hear from guys (or girls) if they like writing longer mails or not.



I have had men write short messages and then disappear. A few men barely wrote two sentences then asked to meet me. I did meet a couple men who could chat for hours on IM, I dated one of these men for about 2 months.

When my SO and I met through a dating site, he sent me long emails sometimes. I liked his initial messages that were not just the basic "hi, how are you" type emails so I joined just to contact him. I was interested in finding out more and couldn't reply because I was a free member. He sent me two messages before I could write back. I replied with lengthy messages too. He said he was pleasantly surprised because most of the women he had emailed hardly wrote anything back or didn't reply at all. We messaged back and forth for about a week before he asked to meet me in person. Because of circumstances we had to wait 2 weeks for our first date but we were in contact everyday through emails.


I don't think it is a gender thing. Some people just prefer to talk on the phone or meet right away. Even today we still email more than we talk on the phone. It just seems more convenient to keep up with our daily lives while we have to be apart.
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 15
Getting to know a person through writing
Posted: 7/12/2011 10:15:48 PM
My first emails may be abit short.
we don't know each other so it is a simple hello...liked your profile/pics
and maybe something short but clever thrown in if I can manage it.

There is no reason to write LOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNGGGGG essays in the first
few emails since most are deleted or not replied to.

If we write back a few times,
then I may get pretty wordy.
Poems or haikus....
some philosophy
or something funny in my day.

but I don't come in here to write.
But to meet.
If a week or so of typing doesn't lead to that,
I move on.

I think alot of women don't understand the wisdom of guy laziness.
As we won't stretch our brains just for your girlish amusement.
Instead we use short opening messages to weed out the silly.
If you are wishing to live a Jane Austin fantasy we'll move on
and let the next sucker waste his time.
:-P
 warren_book
Joined: 7/2/2011
Msg: 16
Getting to know a person through writing
Posted: 7/12/2011 11:06:16 PM

Would be curious to hear from guys (or girls) if they like writing longer mails or not.

Great. Another "people should behave how I think they should. They aren't giving me what I want so they're bad. They should go away or give me what I want" thread.

IME serious people have no problem writing a couple of long emails.
Usually supplemental to meaningful profiles.
I tend to write long emails (shocker!) at first. After one or two, if we aren't meeting, I'm not interested in talking anymore. The longer you try and email relevant information, the easier it's going to get to miscommunicate, misunderstand, and form a false first impression or image of the other person.


Yes, I often get that feeling. But again it begs the question why choose a writing medium to connect

IMO this is the "problem."
IMO men (or people) in general are not looking to connect on here (except the players want you to believe they do, and those looking for attention under the pretense of looking for whatever you are looking for, basically, the normal people aren't looking to connect on here).
They are looking to be introduced to singles on here, and then connect off of here.


If you don't want to write (longish) mails to get to know a person then get ye to a bar to pick somebody up I say.


I could go to the mall, a bar, Home Depot, Applebee's, Wal-Mart, the library, the courthouse, the car dealership, the park, the museum. All of these places I could go to meet women. That would take most of my day, and week, and the majority I talk to would probably not be single, or ages waaay outside of my dating preferences.

This is like the single people and relationship store.
Like best buy. It's a specialized place for people wanting some sort of social interaction.
Do you sit at best buy and watch all of your movies before taking the dvd player home, hooking it up, and seeing how it works in your life rather than the store?

I don't meet a woman in public and sit there and tell her intimate details of me, my ideas on relationships, all my problems with past relationships, fish for a guarantee of who they are and what they can't do, all the rules for dating me, my family, my career, my social situation. I have a short conversation, and I ask them out or for their number.
Why should I do it any different here. Because of the medium?


why should women (or men if it applies) feel bad about expecting them to write.

Because it's such a long tedious process.
You understand that you can learn more from someone via a 30 minute meet than you can in 2 weeks of emailing?
Maybe not pointless facts that can be interpreted and washed through your bias. But you can learn how you actually get along in the real world.
And once you get offline, most men (or people) in general don't want to go backwards and relegate the connection to impersonal email.

Plus there are things you just learn after being here for a while.
People that like to text, IM, email, for long periods of time, sit here and chat, are generally just really looking for that. They want someone to validate them, like they are worth someone giving up their time and life to just sit her and chat with them. Attention seekers.
People come here to date. Not to be used for the attention needs of someone else.

This is a controlled environment. You just learn that people that sit here and text, IM, email constantly are looking to control the relationship.
They also usually have negative views on sex. Like they see it as putting out, or giving it up, they see it as something bad on some level. But something they have to do to get the relationship they want, or it's a necessary part of the relationship (although most will give lip service, when the conversation is of their choice, that it's the healthy and important part of a relationship they love). But they want the relationship first...before they "have" to give it up or put out so they can feel they got their moneys worth. So they are simply controlling the transaction.



But I am assuming you are talking about people that are serious, and trying. Just not writing tomes of emails to try and form the relationship before even meeting.

Is this a gender thing or do you guys too get women that do not write very much

That's mostly what I get.
When I don't have a pic I usually get the "got a pic?" emails.
When I do have a pic up I usually get the "Wanna chat?" emails.

Some are actual attempts to start a conversation.
I would much rather someone start a simple conversation on a single subject, which only takes a paragraph or less, rather than fill out tons of personal details in an email expecting me to know who they are and memorize everything about them and what's significant to them to what degree right then and there through email.
 myrgth
Joined: 8/15/2009
Msg: 17
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Getting to know a person through writing
Posted: 7/12/2011 11:20:50 PM

Here we are on a dating site where you have to send mails to one another...


No, actually you don't. I've went on dates with people that I have met from here that not one email was exchanged.


If you don't want to write (longish) mails to get to know a person then get ye to a bar to pick somebody up I say.


No, but thanks for the unsolicited opinion.

Understand that the way you approach and navigate this site is not the end all, be all of how it 'should' be done. The rest of us will approach it and navigate it the way we want to, in ways that are comfortable to us.

I don't want to even attempt to get to know someone through 'writing'. That's just silly. Nothing I want to know about how I will relate to someone can even possibly be determined by how or what they write.

To me, the site merely offers and introduction to others. Nothing more, nothing less. I don't 'on line' date, I only date live and in person. If someone wants to get to know me then they will do so out in the real world, where it's..you know.. real.

It's definitely not a gender thing. However, from my experience, I would definitely say that those that need to write and write and write and write are typically looking for some kind of fantasy, on line only relationship. No thanks. Unfortunately, even if that is not what you are about that is how it will be perceived by anyone who has been on the site for longer than a minute. Too many times burned by those types and most will want to meet in person as soon as possible to make sure you are who you say you are and/or not someone looking for some on line only thing.

But hey, if you are more comfortable with long getting to know you emails and it works for you (and it doesn't appear so if you are asking why not in the forums) then keep on keepin' on doing what your doing. Me, I'm going to keep giving out my phone number within the first few messages or IM chats and going on dates. :-)
 BlueTeaPot
Joined: 6/25/2011
Msg: 18
Getting to know a person through writing
Posted: 7/12/2011 11:27:47 PM
oh yeah....had one of those - from the UK - the first penny dropped when I asked him to tell me about his home town....I got something that sounded like it was lifted off a web site....(so I checked - and it was) {so I decided mmmmmm what else will he do...}the next thing was that he was able to secure a project and went to Ghana to do a large project - installing solar panels and then....

geeze his wallet was stolen and could I send him 500bp!

Say what.....

I have given over all the emails to my friendly police officer....what fun!

 RazaMixta
Joined: 1/19/2011
Msg: 19
Getting to know a person through writing
Posted: 7/13/2011 12:00:13 AM
Op, I too want to meet asap. It is very disappointing to be mailing back and forth a bazillion times only to finally meet in person and find no sparks, or worse yet a fatal flaw like a deal breaker such as dishonesty: he lied about his age or height or something, or he smokes or he stinks... ewww
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 20
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Getting to know a person through writing
Posted: 7/13/2011 1:26:08 AM
It's not a gender thing at all. I occasionally get introductory notes that say simply "hi" or "What's up?" And I won't ignore the notes, but I am left thinking 'How the heck am I supposed to respond to that?'

Some people just don't have decent writing skills, and some are conditioned to write in "text speak." I accept (because I can't change them), but I also realize that those people likely aren't a good fit for me.

Yes, I like to write and be written to because that exchange *is* a good way to start to get to know someone. It's good to see how someone portrays and conveys themself.

Of course, whether what they write is actually *true* -- that's another conversation!
 Rozewater
Joined: 10/4/2010
Msg: 21
Getting to know a person through writing
Posted: 7/13/2011 2:10:40 AM
Of course, whether what they write is actually *true* -- that's another conversation!


Good point and many good points from others as well. I am not saying you have to write a book together, lol. Though yes, it is off-putting to just receive a "hello and do you want to exchange numbers", or "hello and do you want to chat (IM)".

My profile says I expect to write a few emails to get to know the person. What's a few, I would say at least three or four. They don't have to be 20 paragraphs long but I sure hope most can manage two or three paragraphs. I have found the longest mails I've gotten have been a paragraph and then let's talk on the phone. I do agree about meeting as soon as possible because that is what we are here for and as some have said, you don't want to get too involved before seeing if there is a face-to-face connection.

Anyway, not telling people what to do but common sense says that if you are on a computer dating site, well you just might have to actually write about yourself to start the getting-to-know process beyond what's written in a profile.


Writing to each other before meeting only promotes an imaginary idea of the other, and that often leads to disappointment if you ever do get around to meeting.


Yes, maybe I expect too much by it and should find a better balance between how much and long to write and when to get to the live interaction.

Thanks for all the replies.
 myrgth
Joined: 8/15/2009
Msg: 22
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Getting to know a person through writing
Posted: 7/13/2011 2:17:24 AM
Did you know that if you go into your mail settings in the edit profile section - you can set it so that initial contacts must be X amount of characters?

From Any - 300.

Set it to the higher end and see how that works for you.
 Rozewater
Joined: 10/4/2010
Msg: 23
Getting to know a person through writing
Posted: 7/13/2011 3:13:35 AM
I didn't know that. Good to know. Thanks.
 five-marie
Joined: 7/3/2011
Msg: 24
Getting to know a person through writing
Posted: 7/13/2011 3:45:02 AM
A lot of men prefer the phone, hate emailing. I hate the phone. We usually come to some compromise if the interest is there.
I've met some great guys who sent 2 word emails, misspelled.
 charlie_girl_2
Joined: 1/2/2010
Msg: 25
Getting to know a person through writing
Posted: 7/13/2011 5:40:09 AM
My interest is definitely sparked when he writes something of himself that isn't on his profile and indicates something he has read in my profile that has gotten his attention.
A simple paragraph or two can accomplish this.
It is a huge turn-off to get the two-three word hello, and worse, the obvious "cut and paste" tactic.

I don't want to email until death. Besides, we all know that sometimes we are emailing with more than one -- to get to the first meet. If that emailing goes on and on and on... what's new and fresh to talk about when you do meet? Worse, who the heck remembers what was written two weeks ago!

My preference is to do the initial two-three (short) get-acquainted emails and a phone call or two, to either meet, or move on.

I don't want a pen-pal. I'm not here for that purpose and I doubt if few others who are serious about wanting to meet someone special, are either.

Just have fun getting acquainted in the real world instead of emailing here. Meeting quite soon after connecting, in my opinion, prevents what I refer to as that ole "kick-in-the-gut" feeling, that often happens when there's been too much time to conjure up unrealistic expectations.

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