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 Rozewater
Joined: 10/4/2010
Msg: 1
Should relationships be work?Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
You get two responses from people when it comes to relationships. Some say that a relationship takes work, others say if takes a lot of work then it's not a good relationship. What do you think are relationships work or not? I think it should involve effort and attention but tend to agree if a relationship is work then maybe it is not the right relationship. Mind you I have been out of a relationship for years now and I am ready to get to work on one. How about you single guys/gals?
 foreverstacey
Joined: 11/28/2009
Msg: 2
Should relationships be work?
Posted: 7/13/2011 8:14:03 AM
Not A LOT of work. I think it should take SOME work.. its not always easy and you can sometimes go through rough patches. A strong long term relationship does indeed take some work though.
 ForRumOnly
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 3
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Should relationships take work?
Posted: 7/13/2011 8:15:49 AM
I've been in both types, each for over 10 years.

My conclusion (and it's supported by research into relationships) is that a relationship that does not require a lot of work because the two people are highly compatible is usually the better relationship. The levels of happiness and satisfaction are higher. I'm in an easy relationship now, and it's by far the best I've experienced.

Relationships that require a lot of effort can work, certainly, but more often the differences lead to friction and a lower level of happiness and success. It does take a great deal of commitment and both parties have to communicate well, but if that's the case, it can be a good relationship. It's just harder. My experience with this was very disappointing, and the work put into the relationship was mostly one-sided (mine). Eventually I left, and my life got much better quickly!
 *army mom*
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 4
Should relationships be work?
Posted: 7/13/2011 8:16:24 AM
Personally, I don't want to "work" at a relationship. I don't mind compromising and communicating, but I'm not going to bust my ass trying to make someone happy if they're not reciprocating.
 LinuxD
Joined: 12/6/2008
Msg: 5
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Should relationships be work?
Posted: 7/13/2011 8:28:57 AM
Work = communicating and adjusting from both parties. it has to be both working together for the mutual benefit.

it shouldn't be one person trying to keep another happy, or painful.

Nothing is stress free or doesn't need looking after once in a while but minor adjustments now and then will keep it from derailing on down the line in a spectacular crash.

JMO
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 6
Should relationships be work?
Posted: 7/13/2011 9:09:43 AM
Although relationships shouldn't take any work, I've always found that some work is required. It doesn't matter if relationships should or shouldn't require work. What counts is reality.
 ComplekCity
Joined: 1/17/2011
Msg: 7
Should relationships be work?
Posted: 7/13/2011 9:15:09 AM
Being in a relationship is like going for a drive.

You hope it's going to go nice and smooth without any sharp turns or big hills but unless you're driving through Saskatchewan that isn't realistic.

But , finding somebody compatible is like planning a safe route ahead of time so the trip is mostly enjoyable.

And by the time you reach my age you've got enough miles under the belt to know how to handle sharp turns and big hills much better.

 DrummingNut
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 8
Should relationships be work?
Posted: 7/13/2011 9:23:57 AM
Relationships take ATTENTION.. if you want to call it "work" then that fits too.

It's NOT going to be all wonderfully smooth.

NOTHING in life is all wonderfully smooth.
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 9
Should relationships be work?
Posted: 7/13/2011 9:34:01 AM
All relationships require some effort, some more than others.

If they’re highly compatible people with good social skills, it may take less. If they have serious differences and aren’t particularly adept at resolving them, it will take more.

If their communication styles differ, if their personal values differ, if their sexual styles differ… at some point they may need to assess whether the “work” has begun to out-weigh the play.

(or they stay together for the kids )
 Rozewater
Joined: 10/4/2010
Msg: 10
Should relationships be work?
Posted: 7/13/2011 9:38:47 AM

Although relationships shouldn't take any work, I've always found that some work is required. It doesn't matter if relationships should or shouldn't require work. What counts is reality.


Yes, what counts is reality. In reality, what you put in a relationship may not always yield results, maybe that is why it feels so much like work if you don't get expected results.

Makes me wonder what is the work of relationships: regular and meaningful communication, keeping interest going, sharing life's responsibilities, supporting one another and doing things for each other -hmmm, yes maybe it is work but the benefits of that work should be happiness and security so that it doesn't feel like you are working, kind of like doing a job that you love.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 11
Should relationships be work?
Posted: 7/13/2011 10:02:05 AM
~OP~ "Work" and "maintenance" are two entirely different things. ALL relationships (familial, romantic, boss/employee, friendship, etc.) take maintenance. For me? If a relationship needs "work" it's NOT working. I did that in my marriage and it was fruitless. I haven't been in a relationship that required "work" in 11 years, nor would I be willing to do so again. JMO
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 12
Should relationships be work?
Posted: 7/13/2011 10:02:41 AM

Makes me wonder what is the work of relationships:

Actually, I think it's easy to figure that out. The work is figuring out how to resolve differences in opinion. You can't be around anyone for a lot of time without finding something to disagree about, so to get along, you have to decide what's worth resolving and work to resolve it or accept the fact that you're not compatible enough.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 13
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Should relationships be work?
Posted: 7/13/2011 10:03:19 AM
A relationship is not much different than a job. Do you look forward to going in every day or do you dread getting up in the morning? Do you find your curiosity piqued, feel positively challenged daily and have a good laugh whenever possible? Or is it pure drudgery?
 Cdn_Iceman
Joined: 12/1/2010
Msg: 14
Should relationships be work?
Posted: 7/13/2011 10:03:36 AM
I think you're asking the wrong people personally, most folks on here are single looking for relationships of some kind, its like asking a Bank Teller how to be financially independent, how would they know when they earn a paycheque living paycheque to pay cheque in most cases.

If you want to know if relationships needs work blah blah blah, find someone who is in a successful relationship and still has the passion for each other, they would know.

I know seven people married over 20 years and still has the passion and love for each other, they are the only 7 people I will take relationship advice from.
 Natgoat
Joined: 3/24/2011
Msg: 15
Should relationships be work?
Posted: 7/13/2011 10:06:24 AM
Not "Work"...but there Is a certain amount of effort and compromize involved..!!
Personally, I Can't Stand to do dishes...But I'd do them All Day...with someone I really admire and care for...
(Cross-reference the 'Sex and Sexuality' category....)
 Rozewater
Joined: 10/4/2010
Msg: 16
Should relationships be work?
Posted: 7/13/2011 10:11:30 AM

I know seven people married over 20 years and still has the passion and love for each other, they are the only 7 people I will take relationship advice from.


Wonder if they would say it was/is work or not. Unfortunately the only people I know that have been married 20+ years are not the closest/happiest couples. Mind you I just know two (2) couples that have been married that long.
 RushLuv
Joined: 4/16/2009
Msg: 17
Should relationships be work?
Posted: 7/13/2011 10:16:20 AM
I think a marriage takes more work than that of a relationship.

Relationships take work as well, but should not take a lot of work.
 Spider_MacGyver
Joined: 6/11/2011
Msg: 18
Should relationships be work?
Posted: 7/13/2011 10:19:13 AM
Work is fun if you love your job. So, yes.
 Megan06825
Joined: 6/22/2011
Msg: 19
Should relationships be work?
Posted: 7/13/2011 10:53:38 AM
yes, they should be work IF you are a sado-masochist, emotionally un-healthy co-dependent type.
 RazaMixta
Joined: 1/19/2011
Msg: 20
Should relationships be work?
Posted: 7/13/2011 10:55:40 AM
Work? What work?

If you like what you are doing (or who) it is only play and any "maintenance" makes it a work of art.
I am a good artist. hehehe
 mr_ultimo
Joined: 6/26/2011
Msg: 21
Should relationships be work?
Posted: 7/13/2011 11:06:23 AM
It seems nobody understand what a relationship is these days. It isn't just being a couple and working to make it last. It's two people creating synergy in their areas of interest. This, of course, means work. Each partner works on the other's projects and vice verse. It's relating to each other and nurturing and providing advice and critical feedback and constructive feedback and input. It takes work. It is work. But the partners should complement each other so they can work together and contribute ideas to each other. Otherwise there is no growth. Anything else is just superficial.
 warren_book
Joined: 7/2/2011
Msg: 22
Should relationships be work?
Posted: 7/13/2011 11:10:45 AM

Should relationships be work?

Shoulda would coulda questions are really bad questions to ask people.
Unless all you are looking for are general, and vague answers that you can pick through in order to find other people to support your position because you are lonely for attention and group feedback.

Oh wait,

have been out of a relationship for years now and I am ready to get to work on one. How about you single guys/gals?

That is what you are doing.
No. I am not ready to work on a relationship. As worded that would make relationships like something I can pick up at hobby lobby. So really, relationships are external to me and just a form of external entertainment. Not really about me at all.

Okay.

You get two responses from people when it comes to relationships.

Actually, you get more.
That's the problem with shoulda woulda coulda questions.
It's subjective. So people are going to read the question differently.
So some people are going to think of hypothetical relationships, and what it should be.
Some people are going to think of past relationships, and what they should have been.
Some people are going to think of past relationships, and what they or the other needed to do in order to get to the should have been.
Etc..

You "seem" to get 2 responses because that's all you pay attention to when you simply look for shortcuts and ultimately just for people to stroke your ego.

What you are really getting is a ton of different perspectives, only reading similar ways.
As shoulda questions are subjective. So a lot of the terminology in them is going to have slightly different associations with it. But you as the reader of them only have your own. So you filter it down based on your own bias.


? I think it should involve effort and attention

See what I mean? Subjective terms.
Does this mean you are okay with being stalked? I mean the guy is showing effort and attention.
Are you talking physical effort? Financial effort? Mental effort? Emotional effort? Social effort? Intellectual effort? Adverse effort?
How much of each to what degree? How much is too much or too little?
Without the specifics, it's pretty much meaningless.

Or I can use my bias and say "yeah, people should put more effort into relationships, and pay more attention to how their behavior affects our interaction." And you will think you know what I mean.


if a relationship is work then maybe it is not the right relationship.

So in a moment of frustration it's time to end things right then and there. Because you have to put in work to calm yourself and become rational.
But that's work, so it must not be the right relationship.
 marcus_biggs
Joined: 4/2/2011
Msg: 23
Should relationships be work?
Posted: 7/13/2011 11:19:50 AM

I think you're asking the wrong people personally, most folks on here are single looking for relationships of some kind, its like asking a Bank Teller how to be financially independent, how would they know when they earn a paycheque living paycheque to pay cheque in most cases.

If you want to know if relationships needs work blah blah blah, find someone who is in a successful relationship and still has the passion for each other, they would know.


i couldn't read anymore after this.. dude is right.

there are a lot of factors that go into making a successful, long lasting relationship. compatibility has a piece ofthe pie.. but so do many other things..

it appears we have summed them all up to be "work"

we live in an instant gratification, and sort of mechanical kind of society now.. so everyone wants an easy bake man and woman, requiring no upgrades or work.

forgetting that men and women initially don't understand one another.. the natures are different. the "work" is coming to understand one another.. with as little hatred, jealous or anything negative as humanly possible, in order to co-existing peacefully, experiencing a measure of happiness.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 24
Should relationships be work?
Posted: 7/13/2011 11:28:40 AM

If you want to know if relationships needs work blah blah blah, find someone who is in a successful relationship and still has the passion for each other, they would know.

Just because someone is currently single, doesn't mean they haven't had successful relationships in their past. ( People die, some people aren't seeking a "lifetime" commitment in the relationships they have (romantically based), some people consider ALL relationships in their lives before answering a question about relationships here, etc. (In addition, many of us here are in LTRs at the present time.) I think single people are the one's I'd be interested in hearing from. Wouldn't they have experienced different types of relationships in their journeys? Some have been filled with "work" some maybe not so much??
 Cdn_Iceman
Joined: 12/1/2010
Msg: 25
Should relationships be work?
Posted: 7/13/2011 11:36:22 AM

Just because someone is currently single, doesn't mean they haven't had successful relationships in their past. ( People die, some people aren't seeking a "lifetime" commitment in the relationships they have (romantically based),
good point.. on the people that died, but I have to question you about those not seeking " lifetime " commitment.

The Question the OP posted was Should relationship be work? single people that has had failed relationship IMO isn't the best source for successful relationship, I guess what I'm trying to say is, People that are currently in Successful relationship and still has the passion, the love, the fire hasn't died so to speak should be the one I think I would be asking IMO.

Someone that that has been married 4 times, 5 engagements and numerous failed relationships in my opinion is a person to ask what went wrong ( not including those that had partners that died)
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