Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Ask A Guy  > He asked what I would call "us"      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 peech12
Joined: 7/25/2010
Msg: 1
He asked what I would call "us"Page 1 of 1    
One of my really good friends, in fact, my best friend, a guy (we are both 25) asked me something that caught me off guard. We originally were dating, but decided to just take the boyfriend/girlfriend label off and just go with the flow. To anyone who asks we've always said we are just friends but everyone calls him my boyfriend and calls me his girlfriend. We are intimate (physically) with each other. We talk all the time, every day, work together, and see each other quite often and do things together, that most would classify as dates I suppose.

ORiginally, we lived about 4 hours away from each other, but now we are living and working in the same town and from the same town.

This weekend, we were just sitting outside talking and he randomly asked what I would call "us". I said I didn't know, I tried not to think about it. That's the first time he has brought up putting a label or definition on us since we decided to not technically be in a relationship.

I really didn't know what to say. I know we have feelings for each other, its obvious he cares very deeply for me, and strong feelings. We both just needed time to get to know each other and trust each other and heal from being hurt by other people. He is affectionate and has stuck his neck out for me more than once, for major things, and it's just very obvious by how he treats me and how often he calls/texts/comes to see me, invites me to do things with him, that he truly enjoys my company and cares for me

What I'm wondering is what made him ask that? FRom a guy's perspective, do you think maybe he is realizing he still has strong feelings for me and is considering taking that step to being officially "together" and putting that label back on us again and was trying to get a feel for how I felt about the whole thing? He dropped it after I didn't really have much of anything to say (because it caught me off guard). Should I bring it up to him again and sit down and have a conversation about it and what we are doing here, or should I wait for him to bring it up again?

Another thing he said is, "I definitley wouldn't call us friends with benefits, because normally those people aren't truly good friends, and we are. And friends with benefits don't end well, but that won't be the case with us, I know it. Thats not going to happen"

I asked him the same question after he asked me, and he said,"I don't know, I don't think about it," which I find hard to believe considering he asked me that in the first place. I think he's unsure of how to proceed.


Also, he had a couple weird dreams with me in them lately- 1 was he and i were out walking and a mountain lion came and tried to attack us and he told me to run and he killed the mountain lion.

The other one was he dreamt that I started dating some guy and didn't want anything to do with him anymore, and stopped talking to him and hanging out with him.


So basically, it boils down to-
1- why do you think he asked me his? Could he be ready to take the next step?
2- How should I bring it up with him? Because him asking me that caught me so offguard, I'm afraid I kind of brushed him off and he may think I'm not interested in anything more than what we have now, which is not the case. I want to be with him, I have strong feelings for him and he is a wonderful and amazing guy, I'm ready for that next step, I've just been waiting for him to be ready...
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 2
He asked what I would call us
Posted: 7/18/2011 3:37:57 PM

I want to be with him, I have strong feelings for him and he is a wonderful and amazing guy, I'm ready for that next step, I've just been waiting for him to be ready...

He obviously knows all that, and wants to keep you hanging on ANOTHER year or two..
So sometimes he puts out mixed messages to keep you hanging on.. Good luck.
 Cdn_Iceman
Joined: 12/1/2010
Msg: 3
He asked what I would call us
Posted: 7/18/2011 3:39:38 PM
Not sure what the mountain lion has to do with your situation? You know I was with Halle Berry last night , I was home sleeping she was in my dreams, anyways not sure why I said that? .

Look ...I agree with the labels and the confusion behind it, what you need to do is to sit down with the lad and have a talk with him, that's what mature adults do , sit down and have a talk, not be in a " sit down" and place ultimatums

Just sit down with him and talk to him and maybe you can resolve this issue you have.

EDIT :

Revilors it was after midnight lol
 Revilors
Joined: 10/9/2008
Msg: 4
He asked what I would call us
Posted: 7/18/2011 3:42:00 PM

2- How should I bring it up with him? Because him asking me that caught me so offguard, I'm afraid I kind of brushed him off and he may think I'm not interested in anything more than what we have now, which is not the case. I want to be with him, I have strong feelings for him and he is a wonderful and amazing guy, I'm ready for that next step, I've just been waiting for him to be ready...


I think you missed your opportunity to passively let him know that you like what you have but would like more.

I guess it's your turn to bring it up. I wouldn't lay a big matzo ball on the table...twice.

Tell him he caught you off guard and have had time to think about it......then answer his question.

I can't put words into your mouth. I don't know what's in your head.

Why did he ask.

1. He wants more

2. He wants to know if he can be "friends" with someone else too.

3. He thinks you want more

4. Someone asked if you were FWB and didn't know what to say and doesn't want you to be hurt by the "label" given to others.

You know what......I don't know what's in his head either.

Edit ^^^^^^^


You know I was with Halle Berry last night


Before...or after midnight? I hate playing second fiddle.
 808md
Joined: 5/24/2010
Msg: 5
He asked what I would call us
Posted: 7/18/2011 3:42:23 PM
I think he was hoping for more than a "I don't know, I try not to think about it"
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 6
He asked what I would call us
Posted: 7/18/2011 3:43:24 PM

Another thing he said is, "I definitley wouldn't call us friends with benefits, because normally those people aren't truly good friends, and we are. And friends with benefits don't end well, but that won't be the case with us, I know it. Thats not going to happen"

Well, you're friends and you have benefits, so you ARE friends with benefits. You aren't boyfriend/girlfriend.

1- why do you think he asked me his? Could he be ready to take the next step?

Maybe he was just waxing philosophical.

2- How should I bring it up with him? Because him asking me that caught me so offguard, I'm afraid I kind of brushed him off and he may think I'm not interested in anything more than what we have now, which is not the case. I want to be with him, I have strong feelings for him and he is a wonderful and amazing guy, I'm ready for that next step, I've just been waiting for him to be ready...

Why don't you just ask?
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 7
He asked what I would call us
Posted: 7/18/2011 3:52:56 PM
Well DUH!!!
Tell him Missy!
He stuck his neck out to ask....
and you blew him off.

So it's up to you to bring it up and tell him what you typed here.

He obviously wants a serious relationship with you.
Be a shame for you to ruin something good growing into something better.
and down the road have to send him a present to his wedding with another girl.
(and once married..past friendships are out the window.)

The thing is relationships do not freeze in time.
They either grow or wither.
What he can't get with you he will eventually find with another.

Just ask all the single women in here how often great guys come along....
and then make your move.

good luck.
 peech12
Joined: 7/25/2010
Msg: 8
He asked what I would call us
Posted: 7/18/2011 4:08:06 PM
The main reason I'm confused about him bringing it up is he knows I have feelings for him. We have had that discussion a couple times and he is (or so I thought) well aware that I feel somehing for him...
 Cdn_Iceman
Joined: 12/1/2010
Msg: 9
He asked what I would call us
Posted: 7/18/2011 4:11:06 PM
Having a discussion a couple of times and skirting around the situation isnt a conversation
You need to know what ups, what's down, is there butter on the pancakes and can we make this official ,if he says no ask why not wait for the answer mull it over and if its anything but Im scared, kick him to the curb.
 shakeitupbaby2012
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 10
He asked what I would call us
Posted: 7/18/2011 4:12:00 PM
Whenever I see a post the length of War and Peace I 'see' someone who thinks too much.
If you're this close, you should be able to and wanting to ask him.
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 11
He asked what I would call us
Posted: 7/18/2011 4:13:59 PM
Yes...you feel " something".
kindof vague.

Look if you are not in love with him....or can't be...
let him go.
Cus that is what he is looking for.
 Red Fish GF
Joined: 12/3/2009
Msg: 12
view profile
History
He asked what I would call us
Posted: 7/18/2011 4:20:42 PM
abelian
Well, you're friends and you have benefits, so you ARE friends with benefits. You aren't boyfriend/girlfriend.



You will have to talk with him because your initial response was sort of a rejection. If he wanted to be more than friends, you made him think you are happy with things the way they are. I doubt he will bring it up again so you will have to.


OP
Should I bring it up to him again and sit down and have a conversation about it and what we are doing here, or should I wait for him to bring it up again?
 peech12
Joined: 7/25/2010
Msg: 13
He asked what I would call us
Posted: 7/18/2011 4:27:19 PM
Thank you, that's mainly what I was afraid of is that he asked me that because he does want to move forward and become exclusive (although neither of us have gone out on a date or even so much as talked to a member of the opposite sex other than each other for months) and that my reaction was not a good way to handle it, and that yes, I should bring it up with him again.

Initially, we lived 4 hours apart. That would have been rough... but regardless, we still got together every 2 or 3 weeks from January to May, either him coming down tto see me or me going up to see him. Now we live in the same town, and work at the same place, so we see each other almost every day during the week at work if he is in the office (he usually works out of a sort of satellite office about 40 minutes away) or after work when we get together to make dinner and watch a movie, in addition to spending every weekend together since I have moved here, with the exception of 2 weekends when he was on a fire detail out of state for work.

Anyway, I certainly do plan on bringing it up and having a conversation. I'm not going to make ultimatums. That's just dumb. We just both need to get on the same page and be completely open about how we feel about each other and our situation.
 CMaj7
Joined: 7/3/2011
Msg: 14
He asked what I would call us
Posted: 7/18/2011 6:30:03 PM
Yes bring it up with him, he is the only one who knows the answer.

You could also just try enjoying the relationship and not be so worried about all the 'meanings' behind every nook and cranny. If he is with you and you with him and you are enjoying it, just let it be.
 MsMuscleChick
Joined: 5/31/2011
Msg: 15
He asked what I would call us
Posted: 7/18/2011 6:53:55 PM
So why not make it easy on yourself and talk to him about it???
 peech12
Joined: 7/25/2010
Msg: 16
He asked what I would call us
Posted: 7/18/2011 6:54:52 PM
I plan to... I just wanted to get some outside perspective here. Sheesh. Isn't that what forums are for anyway? Outside, neutral third party opinion/advice/input?
 4x4fan
Joined: 4/29/2011
Msg: 17
He asked what I would call us
Posted: 7/18/2011 7:01:01 PM
lol, you're already having sex with each other, talking every day, working with each other, ect....I'm trying to figure out why you are darting around the issue and don't like to consider yourself in a relationship with him/each other. Do you think that if you refused to suggest that you are a girl that you wouldn't be a girl? Of course not. In the same fashion you may suggest that you are not in a relationship with him but the situation suggest otherwise.
Blah, blah, blah, blah with all the garbage about you both needing to heal from past relationships. Put you big girl panties on, we've all been hurt. Stop guarding your feelings from this relationship (and it is a relationship) from possibly ending up in the toilet by not wanting to define it as a relationship.
I'm sorry..but your statement "we are not technically in a relationship" and so childish. Wake up and smell the coffee because a relationship is exactly what you are in.
 unclezeus
Joined: 5/12/2011
Msg: 18
He asked what I would call us
Posted: 7/18/2011 7:02:23 PM
When you can say you've been together for more than 3 years then you can call this love, but for now, with the history of a 4 hour long distance , and working together now, I'm calling this "Infatuation". You both need to calm down and see where this goes.



What I'm wondering is what made him ask that?
...Social conditioning.



FRom a guy's perspective, do you think maybe he is realizing he
....No freaking idea what he is relizing. Go with the flow.



Should I bring it up
....No. Are you in a special hurry for something?



he said is, "I definitley wouldn't call us friends with benefits, because normally those people aren't truly good friends, and we are.
...Oh bullSh*t. How would he , a 25 yo kid, know that those people would not be truly good friends.!!?



And friends with benefits don't end well,
.....Again, Bullsh*t. The key word here , "Friends". Do you typically end your friendships badly? No.
You're sharing intimacies, a real female friend and a real male friend should be sharing. You balance each other. He cares about you, you care about him.
You can put a lable on this if you feel you really need to, or you can just smile at him , hold his hand and stop pretending you're socially lost!!



he said,"I don't know, I don't think about it,"
.... See, just let it go.



The other one was he dreamt that I started dating some guy and didn't want anything to do with him anymore, and stopped talking to him and hanging out with him.
.....Entirely possible. But for now, its anxiety and fear working it self out through a dream. Tomarrow is not here yet, stop freaking over it.



1- why do you think he asked me his?
....Ask him.


Could he be ready to take the next step?
...Don't push your agenda on him. If you're impatient, the get the hell away from him.


2- How should I bring it up with him?
...Really? You're that clueless? You know him better than we do.


he may think I'm not interested in anything more than what we have now, which is not the case.
....And you decided to talk to us about it and not him, thats just terrific.



I want to be with him, I have strong feelings for him and he is a wonderful and amazing guy, I'm ready for that next step, I've just been waiting for him to be ready...


Ready to lable each other boyfriend and girlfriend? And be exclusive?
This has to happen, not discussed into happening.
You both have to feel it.
But for now, neither of you are in love, you're infatuated. Lets see what happens in the next 2 years.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 19
He asked what I would call us
Posted: 7/18/2011 7:22:46 PM

I plan to... I just wanted to get some outside perspective here. Sheesh. Isn't that what forums are for anyway? Outside, neutral third party opinion/advice/input?


Cause ya asked, and I'm in such a giving mood tonight.

The two of you ARE in a "relationship". Grab a dictionary and look the word up. What the problem you two have is you don't want to "name" or "label" it, cause that would add "pressure" on both of you to act accordingly(to the label you give yourself). You both have what you both want right now, and you don't want to ruin it by putting that "pressure" onto your coupling. (am I getting close?????)

Fear clams people up and gives them reasons to "go with the flow". The two of you are young, so you will learn(maybe). Want to commit????? Then commit. If not, don't.

The thing to remember you don't gain squat unless you put something out there you are willing to lose. Are either of you willing????
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 20
view profile
History
He asked what I would call us
Posted: 7/19/2011 5:33:57 PM

1- why do you think he asked me his? Could he be ready to take the next step?
2- How should I bring it up with him? Because him asking me that caught me so offguard, I'm afraid I kind of brushed him off and he may think I'm not interested in anything more than what we have now, which is not the case. I want to be with him, I have strong feelings for him and he is a wonderful and amazing guy, I'm ready for that next step, I've just been waiting for him to be ready...

I think it's obvious he feels very strongly about you and is wondering if you're feeling the same way. He doesn't want to stick his neck out though if you don't love him the same way.
He wants to put a label on it to be sure of your affections. He's feeling a bit insecure with this unnamed relationship. He may also be wondering whether he's invested too heavily in something that isn't going to ever be reciprocated in the way he likes. He's checking with you to see if this is a possibility.
Is there any reason why you couldn't just say you have feelings for him and would like it to be boyfriend/girlfriend? It actually sounds like you both love each other and have done for a while, so this wouldn't be premature.
Show ALL Forums  > Ask A Guy  > He asked what I would call "us"