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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > when does a HOBBY become an obsession and deal breaker?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 KIWI3nme
Joined: 6/6/2006
Msg: 1
when does a HOBBY become an obsession and deal breaker?Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
what are ppls take on this? I had an ex fiance that was OBSESSED with paintball, spending thousands on supplies, and playing SO MUCH we didnt exsist anymore. I have heard from many of my pals that gaming and extreme hobbying have played a MAJOR part in the demise of marriages and LT relationships, where the partner was so into thier hobby, it took over thier life, went broke over it, and it took precious time away from the wife, kids or husband.

NO amount of pleading, reasoning, or tears could get my ex to stop, or slow down. His attitude is its HIS TIME THE END. Well that was 4 days a week and my house invaded by players shooting off guns, and partying till 3 am ALL WEEKEND LONG.

when is enough is enough? What have been your expericnces with extreme hobbyists and having it ruin your relationships?

I have several friends where gaming was the culprit.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 2
when does a HOBBY become an obsession and deal breaker?
Posted: 7/19/2011 7:10:07 PM
when is enough is enough?

Whenever you think it is. Would you have trouble answering this same question if his hobby was women?
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 3
when does a HOBBY become an obsession and deal breaker?
Posted: 7/19/2011 7:13:26 PM
When you first met,,,how much time did he spend on his "hobby"???? Same, a little less, or a little more???? How long did it take you before you realized he was "obsesssed"(as you say)?????

Depending on your answers I could go all over the place with my answers.
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 4
when does a HOBBY become an obsession and deal breaker?
Posted: 7/19/2011 7:16:55 PM

when is enough is enough? What have been your expericnces with extreme hobbyists and having it ruin your relationships?

These guys were 20s or early 30s? Be glad they aren't into road racing, as many that age are..
The adrenaline rush is something that some people crave, sometimes even more than sex..
Be selective with whom you choose to spend YOUR time, choose less adrenaline addicted men..
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 5
view profile
History
when does a HOBBY become an obsession and deal breaker?
Posted: 7/19/2011 7:31:51 PM
It's an odd experience, having a hobby take over one's life like that. Lots of psychology involved. I was hooked on collecting for a while, had to break myself out of it. A person can get the feeling that if they just do a LITTLE more, that "everything will make sense." Psychological addiction.
 _shakti_
Joined: 7/5/2011
Msg: 7
when does a HOBBY become an obsession and deal breaker?
Posted: 7/19/2011 8:01:32 PM
My ex loved hockey. But he didn't just love it, he ate, slept and breathed it. For years after we split up, I couldn't hear that hockey night in canada song at the start of a game without cringing and running for the remote, lol..

I would say that the line is crossed when it starts to affect the person's life negatively.

That may sound vague, but most hobbies add to a person's life in a positive sense, so if someone is so into their hobby that they are not clued into the fact that it is negatively affecting their relationships, their job and completely taking over their leisure time.. imo they are obsessed.

I tend to have an addictive personality. When I like something, I really like it. I get all single focused and maybe even a little obsessed with things that interest me at times.

But I have an inner aversion to anything taking me over like that, anything truly reaching that addictive quality, so when I feel it starting to go that way.. I 'ground' myself from whatever it is. To prove that I can be without it, and to regain a sense of centeredness.

I truly believe that when things reach that level, that something is being avoided. He/she does not want to face it, so they completely immerse themselves in whatever it is that soothes them and takes them away from any possibility of having to deal with it.
 KIWI3nme
Joined: 6/6/2006
Msg: 8
when does a HOBBY become an obsession and deal breaker?
Posted: 7/19/2011 9:10:09 PM
I know what to look for now, when it takes over your life in such a way that the bills bounce, the kids are ignored, your wife is crying, and you skip work to play, then yes YOU HAVE A PROBLEM.

You can have a very fullfilling hobby that you enjoy, and yes all ppl SHOULD but if it gets in the way of your happy family time, its time to put the brakes on. No hobby should replace the presense of your spouse and kids.

Sadly some ppl dont know when to stop. Its was the "keeping up with the joneses" mentality. His pal bought something new, he had to have it.. newest and latest had to have it. I literally fainted when he spent over 1200 on a fkn painball gun.

But there are the QUIET obsessions like gaming, collecting, and yes as SOMEONE MENTIONED WOMEN WTF?? now what woman in her right mind would want to be with a man who OS about women> that woman will NEVER be good enough for him!
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 9
when does a HOBBY become an obsession and deal breaker?
Posted: 7/19/2011 9:44:13 PM
I have had this happen in both my marriages.

The first one was obsessed in everything.
Whatever he touched, he had to have it all.
Comic books, video games, movies ....
The list is endless.

My second husband (and he is now 50) has an obsession with video games.
He would stay up all night long and play games.
Still does.
Except now it drives his girlfriend nuts.
After our son was born it was chess.
Ten years of chess.
Morning ... noon and night.

I knew this was abnormal.
Through research I finally figured out that they had AD/HD.
They will hyperfocus on what they love.
To the detriment of family and jobs.

That is something for you to research.
Best of luck.
 scottey63
Joined: 3/8/2008
Msg: 10
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History
when does a HOBBY become an obsession and deal breaker?
Posted: 7/19/2011 9:47:21 PM
When it's all someone does in their spare time, and/or talks about.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 11
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History
when does a HOBBY become an obsession and deal breaker?
Posted: 7/19/2011 10:06:05 PM
I don't see the problem. That's his life, that's the way he wants to live it, he's not required to be what you wanted him to be. I wouldn't date him either, but I also wouldn't think he had done anything to me, he was just a wrong choice. Why beat the guy up for it??? Never date someone who has a lifestyle you don't want to live, leave them alone, don't try to manipulate them into someone else, don't date them.
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 12
when does a HOBBY become an obsession and deal breaker?
Posted: 7/19/2011 11:41:47 PM
abelian nails it, IMO.

Whenever you think it is. Would you have trouble answering this same question if his hobby was women?

I don't even have anything to add to that. The only reason I'm repeating it is because I think it's so good, it bears repeating!
 HalftimeDad
Joined: 5/29/2005
Msg: 13
when does a HOBBY become an obsession and deal breaker?
Posted: 7/19/2011 11:42:22 PM
Hobbies can be obsessions and still not be deal breakers - but both parties have to be enthusiastic. If you wore a Star Trek uniform most days, that would be obsessive - but there are a lot of guys who would be very interested. I remember a couple that were obsessed with Bridge - but they could never play as partners because they were that obsessed that they couldn't talk about anything else except different hands played when they were partners.

Anyway, it sounds like you're well out of it.
 unclezeus
Joined: 5/12/2011
Msg: 14
when does a HOBBY become an obsession and deal breaker?
Posted: 7/20/2011 2:08:03 AM
Long before you get to the point of calling some guy your "Fiance", make damn sure he is someone you want to be with, habits, hobbies and all.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 15
when does a HOBBY become an obsession and deal breaker?
Posted: 7/20/2011 4:28:39 AM

I know what to look for now, when it takes over your life in such a way that the bills bounce, the kids are ignored, your wife is crying, and you skip work to play, then yes YOU HAVE A PROBLEM.


I'm still wondering how you had to "look" for something like this. Ya know, if it was as "bad" as you say it was, how could you NOT see?????? The way it you explain this situation, you should have been questioning,at the very least, after a week, if not a day.

$$$ 1,200.00 for paint gun????? I won't tell you what the value of the rods and reels I have in my fly room are. And only a "part" of MY addiction,not obsession.
 good_catch77
Joined: 3/28/2007
Msg: 16
when does a HOBBY become an obsession and deal breaker?
Posted: 7/20/2011 7:28:34 AM
1st this dude didn't have a hobby he is obsessed with paint ball. I've personally never been a hobby person. I like to read, surf the net, watch movies, occasionally watch sports and TV and occasionally play some video games. All of the above I could take away in a split second. Well maybe not the net...certain aspects but not in whole because of the research part of it...

Also $1200 for a paint ball gun is rather ridiculous, but like another poster said there are a lot of things that are very expensive that we buy because we like it. My step dad is a gun collector, I often tease him that if he sold most of them he could live in a mansion. There is his "room" that he has all his guns and ammo in that you cannot even walk around with out seeing one or the other. He's spent thousands on guns, ammo, accessories, etc. He also likes to fish and every time we go to Wal-mart he has to go through sporting goods. (or any store that has it or a specialty store, like**** Sporting Goods...

But the "keeping up with the Jones' or one upping" is a trait for both men and women. Just different items. For every man that buys a $100 fly rod because his buddy Joe has one there is a woman that buys a $100 purse like her g/f Jill has one just like it.

OP ~ did your ex have a job? Could he afford the paint ball gun? If so then its no different than any thing else that we may "splurge" on for ourselves, esp after bills. Now if he bought that and the rent was 2 months behind or they was getting ready to turn off the electricity or something then you damn right you had a right to complain. I don't care if it was plaited with gold or if it was a $100 much less $1200. That thing would be going back.
 _shakti_
Joined: 7/5/2011
Msg: 18
when does a HOBBY become an obsession and deal breaker?
Posted: 7/20/2011 8:51:47 AM
mr ultimo:
The bible says cleave unto your husband which means take an active interest in his hobbies.
What makes you think the Op even cares what the bible says? Her profile clearly has non religious listed.


You would have done this if you really loved him and loved to be around him. Who knows? You might have even had fun doing it. Next time you decide to marry someone, figure out if you like his major hobbies before you jump into a relationship you're probably not suited for.
And she said ex fiance, not ex husband.. so presumably she did just that.

Seems like maybe this touches on a personal note for you....
 *army mom*
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 19
when does a HOBBY become an obsession and deal breaker?
Posted: 7/20/2011 9:47:11 AM
When my ex-husband bought a pair of $400.00 rock climbing shoes instead of paying the mortgage.
 boarderdad50
Joined: 4/23/2011
Msg: 20
when does a HOBBY become an obsession and deal breaker?
Posted: 7/20/2011 10:06:55 AM
If a hobby has got between you the best thing you can do is embrace it and join in with him.
 jess_0727
Joined: 3/10/2011
Msg: 21
when does a HOBBY become an obsession and deal breaker?
Posted: 7/20/2011 10:17:40 AM
I had an ex-boyfriend that was obsessed with video games (everquest and world or warcraft at the time, he's probably moved on to call of duty now ). You play online with a group of random people and he was always the "leader" of the group, organizing times for them to log on and play together. He would go to all-night parties with his friends to play these games together. Stay up til 4am on worknights playing by himself at home too. He put in a lot of hours to be one of the top players or whatever game he was playing at the time. Meanwhile, he was slacking at work, never finished college, horrible with money, in debt, etc. Kept saying he was going to be "sponsored" one day in a tournament and make $200k

I tried to play these games with him for a while but I was disinterested. After 2 straight hours of sitting on the couch I was itching to get out and do anything else! This lead to me spending less and less time with him.

It was my opinion that if he has just put half as much effort into his career and "real-life" stuff that he could be really successful. Smart guy just misguided motivation. I tried to push him towards different goals for a while, but ultimately we just had different life goals, motivations, hobbies, dreams, viewpoints, etc. You can't ever change someone to be who you want. Just as he couldn't change me into a video game lover, I couldn't change him to be more like me. I'm working in finding someone with a similar lifestyle as me and with hobbies that I can respect or appreciate at least.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 23
when does a HOBBY become an obsession and deal breaker?
Posted: 7/20/2011 2:11:51 PM
I am with what Abelian said. If early in the relationship you don't see eye to eye in your hobbies, time to move on, or accept what they do. What if you are into tennis, what if it's golf. I think it's better than just being indoors, or obsess with gambling or porn.

I am a cyclist myself. We tend to be very intense. It's a life style choice. I have been in relationships where we had to find better time with each other. Then I have been in relationships that they absolutely loved and couldn't get enough.
 Pingshooter
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 24
view profile
History
when does a HOBBY become an obsession and deal breaker?
Posted: 7/20/2011 2:24:01 PM
If his hobby is involving not paying bills, neglecting his children, spouse, other duties..then there is a problem.

Sounds like you have a grown child on your hand.

Your choice..but I doubt it will get any better..he will probably move to playing video war games if he hasn't already..most paint ball fanatics I know..do both.

He is addicted..plain and simple.
 KIWI3nme
Joined: 6/6/2006
Msg: 25
when does a HOBBY become an obsession and deal breaker?
Posted: 7/20/2011 7:57:03 PM
A LITTLE BACKGROUND... we were together for almost 6 yrs, and the "hobby" did not present itself until the 5th yr, and the child was 2 yr old. IT was pals introducing it to him and it took off like wildfire. Once the car payments bounced moeny was taken out of the bills account, and we were invisible, and all my pleas to slow down were ignored I KNEW. This was 2 1/2 yrs ago, its long over but I also have friends whose SO are gamers and they too are unhappy. I wanted to see others thoughts on this, and to hear others POV. I could not embace this hobby, and jion in it wasnt me.
 HalftimeDad
Joined: 5/29/2005
Msg: 26
when does a HOBBY become an obsession and deal breaker?
Posted: 7/20/2011 8:19:11 PM
Well, anytime a partner's behaviour starts meaning that car payments are bouncing it's clearly a problem. Combined with the fact that he was skipping work and obsessed with it means that the obsession was negatively impacting your whole family's life.

But the title of the thread is "When"? That's much harder to answer. I'd say it's when it starts making life harder for those around you.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 27
when does a HOBBY become an obsession and deal breaker?
Posted: 7/20/2011 8:32:32 PM

Once the car payments bounced


Well, there ya go. Ya got your answer to your question of "when". Not that hard to figure out.

I may have quit working for 6 months to go fishing, but, yeah, I paid everyone of my bills during that period of time. I may be crazy, but I'm not stupid.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 28
when does a HOBBY become an obsession and deal breaker?
Posted: 7/21/2011 11:56:14 AM

Janet_Always:
Gaming and stuff (gambling, drinking to excess, TV sports) I see as a more immature way of spending their time and I'd lose respect for them over time.


A guy who watches TV sports is a deal breaker for you? I guess that eliminates about 99% of the guys in the pond. Good luck trying to find a guy who only likes girly shows on TV.
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