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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Great date then............ nothing      Home login  
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 Sandy4779
Joined: 4/11/2011
Msg: 1
Great date then............ nothingPage 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
I recently had two separate first dates with two very nice men . Each date lasted well over the usual "one hour-getting to know you" phase. I met each one at a restaurant where drinks turned into dinner, dessert, apps, another round, etc. I had alot in common with each of them and it appeared to me that each date was a success.
Once the date was over, I got a nice hug from each of them and a joyful reminder from one that "we'll do this again next weekend!". The other said we should get together again as well. Needless to say, I felt optimistic.
Then.............nothing. If you listen carefully you can hear crickets in the background of this post. I never heard from either one of them again.

Is this a common occurrence?
 UglyFroggieCritter
Joined: 8/21/2010
Msg: 2
Great date then............ nothing
Posted: 7/20/2011 9:50:53 AM
Every time I see one of these overly redundant threads, I wonder, "Why the hell don't YOU pick up the phone???"

Oblivion reigns, it seems.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 3
Great date then............ nothing
Posted: 7/20/2011 10:10:29 AM
Once the date was over, I got a nice hug from each of them

Personally, I equated ``nice hug,'' with no second date. If there was chemistry enough for a second date, I expected a lot of kissing on the first date. If I didn't initiate a kiss or I didn't feel like a kiss was wanted, I didn't call back. (Women rarely if ever initiate kisses, so I really didn't have to worry about deflecting one.) If a woman didn't kiss me, yet really was interested in a second date, the ball was in her court to make the call.

Then.............nothing. If you listen carefully you can hear crickets in the background of this post. I never heard from either one of them again.

Have they ever heard from YOU?

Is this a common occurrence?

Quite common. Not many first dates lead to second dates. I met a lot of nice women, but I only thought about a second date if there was a lot of chemistry on the first. That didn't happen in most cases.


 Sandy4779
Joined: 4/11/2011
Msg: 4
Great date then............ nothing
Posted: 7/20/2011 10:15:25 AM
I did email one of the guys that evening, thanking him for a great date.......no response. These dates took place over a week ago. I've continued to fish.

I respect people who stand by what they say vs people pleasers who do not deliver. No worries. There are other fish in the sea.
 Sandy4779
Joined: 4/11/2011
Msg: 5
Great date then............ nothing
Posted: 7/20/2011 10:21:28 AM
Thank you Peppermint :)
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 6
Great date then............ nothing
Posted: 7/20/2011 10:23:27 AM
I got a nice hug from each of them

Did that include the "dreaded" PAT on the BACK ?

Apparently that pat on the back may be a signal that they think of you like their siblings.. Instead of someone they want to spend the night with..

Actually, try to initiate a kiss next time, you do remember how to do that?


a joyful reminder from one that "we'll do this again next weekend!". The other said we should get together again as well. Needless to say, I felt optimistic.
Then.............nothing.

Nope, likely not nothing on their end.. They may have had 4 more "first meets" that week and likely one of those women grabbed his arm and kissed him.. And hasn't let go since..
 Sandy4779
Joined: 4/11/2011
Msg: 7
Great date then............ nothing
Posted: 7/20/2011 10:51:30 AM
Thanks.......
I am 51 and in "my day" woman looked desperate if they did the chasing. I believe a man who treats me like a lady is way more attractive, someone who shows me respect. Then as we become friends and the relationship settles into something romantic, we then are on a level playing field.
For me, it's all part of "the dance".
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 8
Great date then............ nothing
Posted: 7/20/2011 11:33:43 AM
I am 51 and in "my day" woman looked desperate if they did the chasing. I believe a man who treats me like a lady is way more attractive, someone who shows me respect. Then as we become friends and the relationship settles into something romantic, we then are on a level playing field.
For me, it's all part of "the dance".

It was part of the dance. If you're going to date online and not be frustrated, you need to learn the dance that is appropiate for the medium. I'm not sure what you mean by a level playing field, but online, that playing field is a lot more level before you ever arive on it to play. In particular, if you're used to men chasing you, the reason they did was that in your small peer group, you were more desirable than most of your peers, the men had fewer options and you didn't have to do much to hold a man's attention.

Online, men and women have access to thousands of potential partners, so there's no incentive for a man to jump through hoops and chase a woman either, unless he's desperate or clueless. Until I met my fiancee, I went on between 2 and 4 first dates every week for months, only a few of which turned into a second date and none of which turned into a third apart from my fiancee. My fiancee initiated contact with me (and so did a number of other women). . She reciprocated my interest in her and didn't play hard-to-get. If she had, there was always another woman to meet. I never thought of her or anyone else who initiated contact with me or expressed interest in me as desperate. If anything, I thought more highly of them for having enough backbone to be proactive and risk rejection.

Also, in real life dating, becoming friends or at least friendly acquaintences before becoming romatically involved is the natural progression, because of that dance you mentioned in which any mutual interest in dating is uncertain. Online, there's zero uncertainty. If someone contacts you, you already know why. He's interested in a date. The friendship and uncertainty aspect of real life dating is just not part of the progression to going on dates. You talk to people for a little while and get to know themfor a week or so and then meet them if they're still in the running as a romantic interest. If you're trying to do the same dance you got away with enforcing years ago with traditional dating, you are most likely to be frustrated trying to find someone to dance with you. I really don't think guys ever liked it. Now, they don't have to do it.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 9
Great date then............ nothing
Posted: 7/20/2011 11:39:48 AM

Personally, I equated ``nice hug,'' with no second date. If there was chemistry enough for a second date, I expected a lot of kissing on the first date.


I have to agree with this statement. If you both were building interest and then comes that moment of the kiss and all that happens is a peck, or a hug, or a little tap then pull away. I read that as no chemistry. So I will not ask for a second date.

Usually what I do is I ping her. That is do something that breaks her personal space. If she welcomes the gesture by doing something in return or liking that gesture things escalate to where I will kiss the woman. If she does not seem to reciprocate then I pull back and see what type of forward motion she may have. Again, no forward motion, another indicator that there's no chemistry. Forward motion, we begin to communicate at a different level.

If the girl is too shy and likes me, yet does not follow these patterns, she is not the one for me either because I like women that are passionate, not passive.

All the long term relationships that I had, we kissed like crazy on the first date. Some of them actually initiated that first kiss.

So OP, if you like the guy, show him that you like him some more. If you like the guy to take initiative you need to also give him the signals that say take change and initiate.
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 10
Great date then............ nothing
Posted: 7/20/2011 12:01:20 PM
That I didn't break through his discomfort and kiss him first...also doesn't correlate to how passionate I am.

Yes, but you DID touch his arm with a little squeeze, at least several times I just BET..
THAT is the kind of unmistakable signalling that some of us former shy guys must have to proceed..


I am still a bit shy about going in for a kiss or asking for a second date.......that is me

Well, if you want it to sooner be "we", then take some tips from what some of us here say works,
and practice your ability to touch and signal much interest with that arm squeeze..
Doesn't seem you are ready to try that full-body squeeze as some ladies here can..
 Sandy4779
Joined: 4/11/2011
Msg: 11
Great date then............ nothing
Posted: 7/20/2011 12:06:07 PM
I believe we have a misunderstanding.
I have often sent the first email when I find an attractive profile. I'm not shy in that respect. I do not wait around for others to notice me online.
My complaint had everything to do with my two dates who said they want to see me again, but did not contact me again. I thought it was rude. People know where they stand with me. Aren't first impressions important?
I was married for 20 years and then dated a childhood sweetheart for six years. I am still a bit shy about going in for a kiss or asking for a second date.......that is me.
 4ms4me
Joined: 4/24/2010
Msg: 12
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History
Great date then............ nothing
Posted: 7/20/2011 12:08:43 PM

I have met men where we did the kiss thing on the first date....didn't indicate a darned thing in the long run.

Yeah, like most anything that happens on the first date. IME, some guys try to kiss on the first date because they think it's expected; others don't because they don't want to be seen as a horndog. Some guys like hugging, or holding hands right away and others keep any physical touch at a minimum. There's so much variability among people that I think it's impossible to draw a lot of conclusions from any single action.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 13
Great date then............ nothing
Posted: 7/20/2011 12:41:36 PM
This is what I meant...when I said that that first date kiss was fraught with meaning to SOME men like Abelian and Outmind. Yet...if I would have taken that same notion seriously, I would be missing out on the most fabulous and yes, passionate, relationship I've ever been in.

Just as you know wht you would have missed if you had based a decision to not date him for lack of a kiss, you don't what you might have missed had you moved on to the next person. Hindsight is always 20/20.

But if the "kiss test" works for these guys...all the more power to 'em.

If it didn't, I wouldn't place so much faith in it. However, I've never been married and I've dated for 30 years. In all that time, I've never made it past a third date with someone who didn't kiss me on a first date and not because I decided to not date someone for that reason. If the chemistry wasn't there on the first date, it just got more obvious with each date that there was no spark and there never would be. On the other hand, every first date I've had in which there was a lot of really hot kissing going on has led to a steamy relationship. It's possible I could have missed out on something, but just like every other decision a person makes in life, one doesn't bet on the long shots and expect to win.

I have met men where we did the kiss thing on the first date....didn't indicate a darned thing in the long run.

I'm not sure what you mean by long run. I'd consider ``the long run'' to be the point where you're sure you are still going to be dating after a few months, which I can easily predict from the kind of kiss I get on a first date. If by long run, you mean something like a year or more, I don't believe anyone can predict what will happen in a relationship a year down the road.


I believe we have a misunderstanding.
I have often sent the first email when I find an attractive profile. I'm not shy in that respect. I do not wait around for others to notice me online.

Then apparently we do have a misunderstanding. However, you did make some comments about vhasing making a woman appear desperate, etc., that facilitated that misnderstanding.

My complaint had everything to do with my two dates who said they want to see me again, but did not contact me again. I thought it was rude. People know where they stand with me. Aren't first impressions important?

Well, let me provide you with a guy's perspective. As a guy, I'm rather used to rejection. Before I started dating online, I guess I dated like most people date. The guy was expected to intitiate things and women were in the position of saying yay or nay. The first time I was contacted by a woman for whom I had no attraction, I was really at a loss for how to tell her that. One gets used to being shot down, but it's still not the outcome one is hoping for and I was aware that women weren't used to being on the initiating end. Up until I had to reject someone, I thought being in that position would be great. I think women are so used to doing the rejecting that they don't see it as a big deal. Maybe those guys just didn't know how to tell you they weren't attracted to you. I certainly hated being put on the spot to do that. I would much rather be rejected than do the rejecting. I hate huring someone's feelings especially when the only thing they've done to deserve it is like me.



 4ms4me
Joined: 4/24/2010
Msg: 14
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History
Great date then............ nothing
Posted: 7/20/2011 12:58:23 PM

I think women are so used to doing the rejecting that they don't see it as a big deal.

Uhhh ... no, I'd certainly have to disagree with that.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 15
Great date then............ nothing
Posted: 7/20/2011 2:03:21 PM

I think women are so used to doing the rejecting that they don't see it as a big deal. Maybe those guys just didn't know how to tell you they weren't attracted to you.


Or they may have been attracted, but because of lack of interest the moved on.
 Beachgirltoo
Joined: 2/5/2011
Msg: 16
Great date then............ nothing
Posted: 7/20/2011 2:07:10 PM
I think it's about right to say that if you only got a hug after the first date, chances are there will be no second date. The only time I have ever contacted a guy after a first date is if I thought the date went exceptionally well. Just spending well over an hour with one another, laughing, having a great great time, and have a nice kiss at the end. I would text them as soon as I got home to thank them for dinner (or drink)and looked forward to hearing from them soon. Usually they would text back and say something after.

If you're not getting a response after a text is sent, then I would just forget about them and move and just say, "next..". Do not even give them another thought. I think if someone is interested in seeing you again after a first date, you pretty much would know immediately without any kind of hesitation. Good sincere guys know a good thing when they see it, and they won't want you to get scooped up by another prospect.
 Pingshooter
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 17
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History
Great date then............ nothing
Posted: 7/20/2011 2:27:13 PM
OP you're quite attractive..move to Savannah girl!

I am in the camp of..calling, texting, emailing them back..if no response, time to move on.

Who knows why, don't dwell on it..
 kmxplore51
Joined: 7/6/2008
Msg: 18
Great date then............ nothing
Posted: 7/20/2011 2:44:16 PM
OP: Like you, I am also puzzled based on how you described your two dates went. So, I am curious. First, is it your judgment that your dates felt there was mental and physical attraction on your part towards them? Second, did you feel there was mental and physical attraction on their parts towards you? If the answer to both questions is a definitive yes, then the mystery thickens. If the answer to both or either questions is so-so or maybe, then it could provide partial explanation for their reticence.

In agreement with the message #10, you are an attractive, educated, and articulate woman. You shall not go too long before being asked out by others. Smile, You!

I am in strong agreement with messages #16 & 22 (both by the same individual), as I suspect you are too. Trying to define and predict deeper human emotions and actions based on some transient, perfunctory behaviors is rather too simplistic. I am glad you are resisting “call to arms” for making changes in your dating etiquettes, and sticking to what makes you comfortable.

Do us a favor? Please follow up in this forum post to tell us about a very successful “follow up” date which would put a smile on our faces! Otherwise, we may have to persuade you to move northwards (and slightly west of OH)... he he. Happy Dating!
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 19
Great date then............ nothing
Posted: 7/20/2011 3:12:41 PM
My point was....his lack of kissing until date 3 was no indication of where the relationship was going to go past that point.

I understand that, butwe aren't talking about situations that are anywhere close to equivalent. In your case, no one initiated a kiss, so I agree that no kiss means nothing. The situation I'm talking about is completely diffierent. I didn't expect a woman to initiate a kiss. I was initiating a kiss, so she didn't have the option to do nothing. She could either deflect the kiss or kiss me back, so no kiss in that stuation does mean something. If she didn't kiss me that wasn't necessarily the end of the line. It meat that I wasn't going to call her for a second date. She was always free to call me and say something that convinced me I was too hasty. I didn't expect that to happen and in practice, it didn't happen.

You do have to understand that not all men think and act the way you do. In my experience, very FEW seem to think the way you do.

Well, I don't really see the results that most people get from thinking the way most people think to be very satisfactory, so that isn't really a valid objection.

Maybe women are easier to read then men are.

If women were the least bit easy to read, I would never have thought to base any judgment about a woman's interest on a first date kiss, since I could have just read her instead. I did judge a woman's interest by a first date kiss precisely because women are impossible to read and seem to have turned that into an art form. I became disenchanted with relying on optimism that wasn't justified by any evidence I could divine though clairvoyance or a Ouija board, so I found an alternative I can read. If I expected sex on a first date as an indicator of interest, that would have been over the top. But women kissed on first dates as far back as high school or even juniot high, so I didn't think it was over the top to expect a first date kiss from a woman of at least legal age in 2011.

Mr. Ultimo is a prime example of what I am talking about. This man doesn't even hug at the end of the date....and would probably think negatively if a girl tried. A girl is not going to know how he is, in the long run.

After reading a number of his posts, I'd agree with you. However, I don't think the women I want to date are the type to put up with that sort of game playing and indifference. Those who don't want to put up wuth that have choices. He may be a prime example of what you are talking about, but I don't think he's representative of very many men.
 KAT4EVR
Joined: 1/23/2005
Msg: 20
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History
Great date then............ nothing
Posted: 7/20/2011 3:22:20 PM
Just continue dating, eventually you will find that man who won't want to let you go. He will call you the next day and say what a great time he had. It does happen. Don't waste your time on these two men. They are not good enough for you. Just keep saying that.
Read the book, He's Just Not That Into You, it is good and dispels a lot of the myths of dating and why men do what they do or don't do.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 21
Great date then............ nothing
Posted: 7/20/2011 4:16:40 PM

..but sex on the second date was pretty much expected or else she failed test #2 regarding strength of her character. I tried to boil it down a bit.

I've never said any such thing. What I have said is that I expect sex on the second date because that is what has always happened for the last 25 years. That's the same as expecting the sun to rise in the morning because it always does. I've also said that if it dodn't happen by the second date, that I'd wait a few dates, although I'm not really sure how man, since I've never had to find out. I'm sure it wouldn't be very many, though I don't think many other people would wait all that long either.

I do find you to be at one extreme end of the spectrum where judgments and expectations

I've always thought my expectations were rather typical although expressing them may not be.
 safebetinvegas
Joined: 7/26/2007
Msg: 22
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Great date then............ nothing
Posted: 7/20/2011 4:27:43 PM
OP,

Just saw your msg #25 and I had to chime in.

First, PLENTY of not only good advice but "pearls" of wisdom from many posters thus far.

My main point is this, several gals have contacted me first, phone chats were great and the first, second and sometimes third dates were non-stop fun.

Then, as you said...crickets.

At first it bothered me (you called it rude behavior), but not for long as I came to realize years and years ago that things have drastically changed since people like us started dating as youngsters.

Do your best not to be fooled by people's words these days...wait for them to confirm what they say and go from there (Reagan said: "Trust but verify"). Be positive, yet don't "expect" another date (or a third, forth).

"An ounce of performance is worth a pound of promises". I believe Mae West said this.

Lastly, be open and live in the moment every once in awhile to give YOURSELF a change of pace.
 FatBottomGirI
Joined: 6/28/2011
Msg: 23
Great date then............ nothing
Posted: 7/20/2011 5:55:48 PM
Some people are incapable of being honest. I had a date a couple weeks ago with a nice guy from POF. He was a complete gentleman and called after the date to ask me out again. What I learned on the date is that he wants kids (he's a couple years younger). I have yet at thist point to have any interest in having children. I like them better when they belong to other people. I don't mind if he already has one, but I do not personally want my own.
I explained that to him and told him we're not compatible for that reason. Nice guy, going to make a woman that wants children, a good man. People need to learn to be honest and stop trying to lead people on.
 FatBottomGirI
Joined: 6/28/2011
Msg: 24
Great date then............ nothing
Posted: 7/20/2011 7:02:56 PM
No, it was merely an example of what I feel is an appropriate way to be respectful of a date, even if you discover incompatibility. Rather than choosing to be rude and blow him off, be honest and move on.
 Sandy4779
Joined: 4/11/2011
Msg: 25
Great date then............ nothing
Posted: 7/20/2011 7:35:52 PM
Don't let them hug me? So many different opinions here on this board.
Actually, I hug every date hello as soon as I greet them. Breaks the ice.
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