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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 4
Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???Page 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
The contrast between you and the younger women is striking. He may have been feeling inadequate. I kind of doubt this whole thing stemmed from his desire to be with the other girl though, since there’s already been more than one.

Mid-life crisis may well be the explanation. How do you recover? I think counseling might help.

I don’t know spousal support law in your country. You might want to get some legal counsel as well.
 UglyFroggieCritter
Joined: 8/21/2010
Msg: 7
Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 8/5/2011 11:23:35 AM
You really haven't moved on if you're still in turmoil over the reason he left you. You state that he "bounces from female to female, always requesting sex no strings attached". Why in the world would you know this?

If you honestly believe that you've moved on, why the concern over what he's doing and why?

Let it go.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 8
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Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 8/5/2011 11:24:02 AM
I'm guessing he was unhappy and found an opening where he could flee without any contact with you to have to explain himself. I doubt that he has a good explanation to give you. He maybe felt like you were his mother dragging both of you along and he didn't want to keep up, or he felt his manhood stepped on, or he likes to be with women who are inadequate so he doesn't have to be any better. Who knows. He's gone, he sounded like an anchor to you anyway, live through the grief of breaking up and then move on. You can analyze all you want but the simple truth is, he wanted out and he took a moment when you weren't around to try to reason with him, because he wanted out as quickly and painlessly as possibly. Who he's seeing now means nothing really, other than he doesn't want anyone who will challenge him.
 Lint Spotter
Joined: 8/27/2009
Msg: 9
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Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 8/5/2011 11:27:02 AM
Some men can't handle the woman being more outwardly successful than them. No biggie... just sucks that it happened after 16 years of marriage than sooner.

You need to not let his actions define you as a person... eventually you'll not even bother fretting about this...
 LGG62
Joined: 9/9/2007
Msg: 10
Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 8/5/2011 11:28:13 AM
I don't understand why you're so focused on him. Focus more on yourself. Your focusing on what he does with other women is holding back your own healing. It does seem like a midlife crisis, and I'm sorry you got caught up in his issue. But it's HIS issue. It doesn't affect you now if he bounces from woman to woman or wants no strings attached sex with them. Move on, deal with YOUR feelings at being blindsided by his crisis, and don't worry about what he's doing. Focus more on getting on with your own life.
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 13
Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 8/5/2011 11:37:26 AM
what the hell as happend to him??? Am I being green here, or does want the other girl? friend say he'll regret big time?? your thoughts please!

My thoughts are:
Do NOT make any more excuses for him and his chosen behavior ! !

Since nobody can control another adults behavior, begin directing your OWN,
to become more the way YOU want your life to be and NOT require any consent from him or his new concubines..
Take care of your kids first, then get busy and go out to your local social groups and make new friends there over time, you WILL find someone SO much better for you,
and leave your Ex to annoy and confuse his younger girlfriends..

VVV dating has ALWAYS been a challenge.. Your perspective of only 3 partners and maybe all 3 have eventually left may make you feel vulnerable.. Would it help to know that here in San Diego there are 103 guys that would enjoy dating you if you were local, maybe for long-term?
Look around your town for the active local social meetups, there WILL be maybe 503 guys there..
 UglyFroggieCritter
Joined: 8/21/2010
Msg: 15
Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 8/5/2011 11:49:06 AM
Get rid of your Facebook connection with this man. Why would you want to know anything about this man is beyond me.

Until you can leave him and the relationship in the past, where it belongs, you will be a victim of circumstance. You have your answers and you're aware of the problem, so? Stop using this as an excuse and move on.

Life is pretty good when you can look forward instead of back.

Good luck
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 16
Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 8/5/2011 11:57:14 AM
I think it’s natural to look for explanations when we’ve suffered deep and sudden loss. We lose faith in life and we no longer feel we can protect ourselves from calamity. The world seems chaotic and unpredictable. Closure is much slower in coming when we can't understand what happened or why.

Explanations may come in time. He’s not like the man you used to know. Could be mental illness, drug use – pure speculation of course.

You’re still young-looking and attractive. I think you’ll have opportunities. But dating is still difficult in middle-age. You’ve got a lot on your plate.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 20
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Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 8/5/2011 12:30:54 PM
^^^For those looking to delete...I don't see dealing with the subject of midlife crises in a spouse is redundant. I've been here for years reading posts of all sorts and can recall none about this with any specificity whatsoever.
==============

OP, I also think it's natural to want to understand. Being blindsided in a relationship when you believed things were moving along just fine is hard to recover from. And yes, being the main wage earner is going to disturb sensibilities somewhat...and perhaps there was a thought process on his part that he wasn't enough...wasn't performing as he should.

Daliances are often not started for what seems obvious and on the surface. Understanding why these women are in his life will not necessarily ever make complete sense to you; otherwise you'd likely be understanding why he left. It would be fair to say though that there may be something that was happening between you that you were repeatedly not picking up on because it would be easier to not probe it and not deal with it, and for him, it just reached a saturation point

What's interesting is what you wrote, "the only bit of info I got was I didn't trust him and he couldn't go on knowing that???" Yes, I'm wondering the same thing...'knowing what'? Did he mean perhaps trust him to be more or do more? Are you sure there wasn't a continued frustration level that you were passing along to him? You had the more harried and responsible position.

People internalize all sorts of things. That said, I'm not dissing your feeling and others that this is a manifestation of some sort of mid-life crises. Perhaps the the camel's back got broken when you were on the cusp of being even more successful and he simply couldn't take it. Or perhaps this is all developing out of a mental breakdown...with aspects of paranoia.

It's going to be hard for you to process without contacting him, but that you must--so pay for or glean whatever type of professional help you're able to through your position.

Perhaps for now...it's best to take a breather and focus on your new job and responsibilities while concurrently coming to terms with what was and what is, instead of trying to make dating a priority.
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 25
Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 8/5/2011 1:00:04 PM
“When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.”
~ Alexander Graham Bell

OP, yes you may be bitter now.. And ALWAYS focusing on that closed door.. For the last YEAR..
Since it was closed on you without your consent by someone you thought you trusted..

That reality hits hard.. That another person can choose a life without US in it..
That our relationships are fragile, ephemeral entities between two adults who both have to CHOOSE to be there..
That such a big part of our lives is about 50% OUT of our control, that another imperfect human being can make choices that conflict with ours and upset our thought to be stable habituated lives..

Maybe this year will be your turn to go out and buy a little red convertible sportscar,
let your hair grow long so it flies in the wind..
Start racing around your town turning most of the guys heads,
start enjoying your life more and NOT worrying about anything your EX may do...
( the BEST revenge is to live well )
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 30
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Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 8/5/2011 1:47:42 PM

One thing I have come to realise(after many discussions with family/friends even his) is that I have lost nothing, however he has lost everything! That much I know in my heart.

^^^Are you sure about that because in your op, you said,

" I was married for 16 years, very happy too, until I was made redundant,"

^^^That doesn't sound like someone that feels that they didn't have an investment in a solid relationship. Friends and family are usually quick to be well-meaning in their platitudes during times like this, because it's hard to know what to say.

The truth is you had something with him and you cared, but now it's over. It doesn't serve you well moving forward to dump everything out because he moved on and you weren't ready for that.

It really does take a good chunk of time for the sting and shock of it all to lessen and in order for that to happen you need to step away from as much of it as possible, or it's very likely to keep you stuck and unable to move past this and the bitterness you seem to be holding on to.

---Prime woman is correct - it is survivable.
 KAT4EVR
Joined: 1/23/2005
Msg: 34
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Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 8/5/2011 1:59:19 PM
Hi Blissfulllady,
You have a right to be angry, but let it go. He is not your responsibility any more. You need to separate yourself from him in every way you can, if you have children with him, they will be a connection that you cannot break. But, let him go.
Divorce is like Death, I went to counseling about mine and the counselor took all of us through the steps. Look up grieving on the internet and note the steps of emotions.
You need to go through all of them in order to move on.
He is responsible for only him and if he crashes and burns, so be it. You are NOT responsible. Cut any ties with him, can I say this any stronger to you? Yes, but I don't want to be brutal. Brits are supposed to have a stiff upper lip and deal with it, but that does not work. Make a date with your self for a spa treatment, maybe with a close girl friend, take time for a bubble bath, go for a mini holiday trip and have some fun.
You are worth it.
My mother was British and she had a hard time dealing with difficulties, but with help here in the US, she managed. I have a network of good friends who can call me for a shoulder to cry on and I on theirs. We also laugh a lot and take time for us.
You will survive this, and eventually find a nice man who appreciates you. Just let him go.
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 35
Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 8/5/2011 2:01:19 PM

missing right now is happiness,i,m sure this will come in time. I want to date but am scared of it so bad,its silly I know but I truly am, and I love men's company

Ok, SO GO OUT to your local meetup social groups.. Meet PEOPLE in that group setting until you get comfortable enough with just one to "date"..

None of us HERE are going to fly there and drag you out of your house to your local social activities.. We can just try to motivate you to get OUT and go on your own..
 OyVay...
Joined: 7/15/2011
Msg: 43
Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 8/5/2011 3:25:35 PM
Didn't read any answers to the OP, just wanted to go with my gut.

Your story really grabbed my attention, mainly because it's my story. Or at least partly, funny thing, looking back, I blame myself now to a good degree. Quite a number of forumites know it, so I'll keep it short and to the point.

First different people want different things, have different drives. Some refer to this as a leader/follower kinda thing. Some compare it to the stay at home wife.(my case)

Some lack drive and focus, others(like me) for whatever reason have way to much.

I jumped on the treadmill of work with a vengence, was going to give my family better than I had, had. I started out at the bottom worked my way up to the tippy top. My ex just wanted a family and had no drive or interest in working or working her way up(sound familiar?).

I ended up married to my job, working sometimes 70 or 80 hours a week, I was also in sales(+trading). I traveled 10 days a month on business.

She had it all, nice house, pool, maid, landscaper, vacations in hawaii, the works. Yeah she had everything BUT ME!!!

I was not intentionally neglectful, I just lost focus on my marriage, that takes work as well. She cheated, I forgave, she cheated again, I was less forgiving, but stayed the kids doncha know. The third time I was out the door, hurt, confused and bitter(again sound familiar?) I know he left but think about it, you may see the similarities.

We sometimes lose ourselves, forget what's important, overlook the work in marriage we should be doing, but we're delivering so much, we tell ourselves.

Now I don't know you, or him. Maybe he's a sh1t, maybe he was looking to get your attention, maybe when he didn't get it, he turned to another woman, even one beneath you.

I came to my senses far too late, fvcked up 2 marriages, before I examined what I did and what's important and changed.

My thoughts? Go to bed tonight, get a good night's sleep, clear your head and see if anything I said makes sense. Then do what your heart tells you to do. At the least, see if you should make changes for the future for any new relationships.

JMHO
 ForumFlashLight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 44
Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 8/5/2011 3:36:23 PM
You stated that you are trying to look at it as though "you lost nothing"

But in reality, you lost the idea you had of how the world went round for 16 years.

So your world stopped, and you got a new idea that it would never turn again.

Hopefully now you realize that no matter what, the world is always turning, and you can spit out the ideas that are choking you and draining your life force.

I suspect the first one is "It's my fault." Spit it out.
Next "I'm wasn't good enough." Spit it out.
Then "Nobody will ever want me." Spit it out.

You are fine. You are alive. Wake up alive every day. Don't wake up dead and stuck.

When you get upset, focus on something very simple, like breathing deeply.

Good luck.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 48
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Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 8/15/2011 12:01:37 PM
Your comment on your husband growing on you after he chased you....you seem to think this would mean that you meant more to him than you did. When in fact it seems that's how he gets women, he's there, he makes them think they are so important to him, he still does this with your family and friends, he is 'after' them to like him, and look how many fall for it.

He didn't chase you because you were so important to him, and I'm not trying to be harsh, but it's a stumbling block for you, so understand that it's his way to get to people, all people. See him as he is and stop clinging to what you thought you had with him, you now know what it really was and he's gone. It will hurt a lot for a long time, but stop living in it and start shaking him off. The longer you wallow in it the longer it takes to get over it. See him and your marriage together for what it was and that it's over because of who he is, and be glad you weren't fooled any longer because this is your life, choose how you want to live it.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 59
Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 8/23/2011 2:16:48 PM
My recent school of thought is that there is no way in hell you are going to be able to understand why people just all of a sudden get up and do stupid things. (ya can't fix stupid!!!) It's a great business for the medical field to go around start labelling people for their actions, but either/or, they act like morons, and again, ya can't fix stupid. And really, why would you or should you care????? For closure????? Don't look at him for closure, look in the mirror.
 DudeistPriest
Joined: 3/30/2009
Msg: 61
Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 8/23/2011 8:22:56 PM
To answer the question posed in the title line, I don't want to recover. I'm rather enjoying. For the first time in my life I'm acting my age....by not acting my age. Isn't that ironic?
As for the rest of it, I don't think it was a midlife crisis. From what you say, it appears there were problems left unattended in the marriage. IMHO, it seems you both had some issues but weren't communicating them to each other.
 KIWI3nme
Joined: 6/6/2006
Msg: 63
Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 8/23/2011 8:59:37 PM
OP, you are in serious mourning for what you had, or the ILLUSION of what you thought you had. You need to think, and heal your wounds. It sounds like you are a successful woman and smart, and are probally wondering where in my perect world did I go wrong? OP YOU MAY NEVER FIND HE ANSWER TO THAT. I think yu are searching for an answer you may not get, and are spending FAR TOO MUCH TIME dwelling on this.

I was married once upon time too, and i can relate to the wandering eye and the bored hubby, and he had an "early MLC". He was desperate to get out and be young and foolish again. He craved it like candy He just wasnt cut out for married life and missed the wild party girl he fell in love with but she grew up and let him behind.

Some men just wake up one day and take a good hard look at thier marriage, and instead of working to fix any problems they deside its better to run than spend the time and fuss working on it. Thats the wussy-assed way out.

I too had to go to councelling, and spent LOTS of months being angry and bitter but then after talking to ppl i began to realize that NO... it wasnt my fault per se.. It was HIM not being ready, commited enough, patient, and mature.

You have to stop being the victim and killing yerself with negative energy. YOU CANT CHANGE THE UNWILLING, AND I CANNOT CHANGE WHAT U DO NOT ACKNOWLEGE.

as long as you continue to let him haunt you, and are trying to igure out what you did wrong, just smile and say im going to have the best goddam life now that hes gone and go out and DO IT.

dont let those who hurt you predict you future. They were your past, and thats where they belong.
 for4rums_loner_here
Joined: 1/29/2013
Msg: 67
Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 2/6/2013 2:04:11 AM
"""""""""""" I put this down to the fact that in 49 years Ive only had 3 partners,all long term,and now i'm the age I am, dating seems such a challenge, thats why I joined Plenty of fish, to try and move on and let my past go."""""""""""""""

Funny, same here. I had three relationships in the 49-year-long first part of my life: with my mother, grandmother, and daughter. In the last 10 years, though, nothing.

I applaud your wisdom. You joined Plentyof fish to move on, and also, more importantly, to let go of your past. In these aspects I believe you are doing the best you possibly can.

Some people might sneer at you, but they are ignorant. You remember the Sting song, "if you love some somebody, let them go, if they love you too, get them to come back"? Now, if you DON"T love somebody, then you have to cling like crazy, and if they don't love you too, then eventually they'll get the heck reluctantly out of there.

You are a philosopher as well as a lover.

------------------

I like that woman's comment, I see her on the forums quite a bit, with the head-shot (not with her head shot off, mind you), who said the guy saw a window of opportunity when you were away for a night, probably the first and only time in sixteen years, and he jumped out that window and ran like crazy.

Maybe you are so shocked because you never expected the inevitable. To see a man you sit on for sixteen years so he can't move and he's completely pinned down, run, is something you can only blame yourself for, because it was YOU who stood up off of him for a minute. Ey, ey.

I mean, you are all sorry for yourself and stuff, but can you imagine the guy? He was suffocating for sixteen of the best years of his life. You had sixteen blissful years at least... he has to make up for a lot of time of no air in is lungs, no room to move in is life.

I mean, I don't envy you, but c'mon, let the guy have some what is due to him.
 TantricJedi
Joined: 2/22/2012
Msg: 69
Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 2/6/2013 9:04:29 AM
I am very sorry for your experience. I can tell your upset. You're sizing up the other woman and making comparisons between you and her. It doesn't matter what his reasons are. Don't rationalize his behavior or make excuses for him. Sure, you can try to understand what YOU had to do with it and learn, but don't shoulder all the blame.

He left you. I suppose you could try to salvage a 16 year relationship that involves an affair. I think your being naive. He wasn't just seeing the woman with three kids. He was shagging her. He probably feels guilty and is now trying to recover by putting a guilt trip on you for not trusting him? Living with his parents? What a bum.

I personally think you should call it the quits and get a good attorney to protect your money so you don't pay him spousal support. Take time to heal and move on. Peace.
 DontAskMe2CarryUrPurse
Joined: 1/22/2013
Msg: 71
Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 2/6/2013 12:38:46 PM
The OP is no longer on POF, why are people still trying to answer her post??? LOL
 pattie2014
Joined: 11/25/2012
Msg: 72
Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 2/6/2013 12:51:48 PM
Just google mid life crisis and there are some websites that may help you. Its one thing about midlife crisises
they usually start around the age 46 and for men can last 5-10 years. Women 2-5 years. Its one thing
having head knowledge about mid life crisises and its another thing actually going through it. I wish you the
best of luck!
 toooldtoplay
Joined: 1/27/2013
Msg: 73
Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 2/6/2013 12:53:26 PM
How do you recover from a mid life crisis? You don't do it by asking what happened. Shit happens and hanging on to the remains of it is your choice. You won't recover from it until it becomes your past and then you can start your present, then possibly work on your future. It is during the midlife when the crises happened, not much anyone can do about that.
 dancestap
Joined: 1/27/2013
Msg: 74
Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 2/6/2013 1:04:04 PM
Women go through menopause, men have mid life crisis. Mine went through one approaching 45. Spending money, affair with receptionist who was younger and once his money was gone (company they worked for shut down) she left him and during the whole time, still had her younger boyfriend. He was a lovesick puppy. I find out he was in love with her from the day he hired her, 5 yrs prior. She made the move and he fell, hook, line and sinker. You did your job, supported him for how long? It's all about you now. Enjoy your life without him.
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