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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Is it disrespectful to date multiple people at once?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 4
Is it disrespectful to date multiple people at once?Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)

do you think it's disrespectful to date multiple people at once?


No it is not disrespectful.

You are dating.
Meeting lots of people and enjoying life.

What you told him is very mature, and you have yourself on the right track.


And what do you do once someone you are dating wants to be exclusive?


Exclusivity comes in time.
When you have gone out with someone enough that you would like to consider having him around as a steady boyfriend.

Someone who dates you once and wants exclusivity sounds needy.
And maybe his exclusivity means, "How quickly can we hit the sack".

Keep doing what you are doing.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 6
Is it disrespectful to date multiple people at once?
Posted: 8/12/2011 12:23:16 PM

So my question is, do you think it's disrespectful to date multiple people at once?

Not if you're upfront about it so that anyone who might want to date you can factor that in. I wouldn't have dated a woman who dated multiple people, but that's me.

And what do you do once someone you are dating wants to be exclusive?

I guess you either date him exclusively or tell him you won't date him exclusively and let him decide whether or not to keep dating you.
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 8
Is it disrespectful to date multiple people at once?
Posted: 8/12/2011 1:06:10 PM

my question is, do you think it's disrespectful to date multiple people at once? And what do you do

Well, not if they consent to having all the others present..
You could rent a bus and take them all to an amusement park..

Maybe invite them all to a potluck BBQ and see which ones bring the best dishes..
Or go on a Marathon and see which ones can keep up with you best..
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 9
Is it disrespectful to date multiple people at once?
Posted: 8/12/2011 1:13:09 PM
It happens almost every time. Whenever I go out with someone, they want to be my boyfriend after the first or second date. While I appreciate this, it's almost irritating

Maybe you need to burp and fart a few times, and stink up the loo.. Grab his thigh..
Those things have been said elsewhere in these Forums a few days ago to cause a woman to think a boy is manly..

Maybe they will work the opposite for you with your too often "instant attraction" dates..
 SpiderKIllerJeff
Joined: 3/9/2010
Msg: 11
Is it disrespectful to date multiple people at once?
Posted: 8/12/2011 1:40:17 PM
I myself have never been big on the idea of dating multiple people because my way steers me towards what I want all the time.

It's only recently that I'm allowing myself to try dating a little more openly. There is one particular person that I'd love to end up with but there is no guarantee that she wont meet someone else while I'm trying and go that direction.

There's just no way to know these things. So while I might not like the idea why should one also give up opportunities with other people that you might be equally if not more interested in? You can't think of it as disrespectful. But if you're not being exclusive to one person and them to you then you can never be certain of what will happen in the long run.
 OyVay...
Joined: 7/15/2011
Msg: 13
Is it disrespectful to date multiple people at once?
Posted: 8/12/2011 2:31:49 PM
Look OP this isn't high school, it's life. There's no going steady after the first kiss, you don't get the "letter sweater", no passing notes in class. Be adult.

How can someone ask you to be exclusive after the first date? It happened to me, I looked at her like she was crazy. How can you be exclusive without knowing the person well?

As for those who say, "I want to concentrate on that person in front of me", gimme a break! This isn't rocket science it's dating, hence the word dating connected with the site.

Now some common sense has to come into play. You don't date sally, jenny and sarah for a year and say you don't know, can't decide or are indifferent. If you can't make up your mind after 3 dates or so, then you're not being honest with yourself, about how you feel.

My rule of thumb is really simple, I will date 2 or 3 women at a time. I usually do that for at most 3 dates, if I'm in the market for a relationship. By date 3, you have a pretty good idea of if they float your boat or not. If your not getting the warm and fuzzies, move on, you're kidding yourself.

Now remember, part of your responsibilty is asking questions during the initial part of the process. You email, you chat on the phone, during that part, you should make sure that both of you are on the same page about dating, what you're looking for, and where you see yourself at the end of the process.

Let me point out that some people just want to date. They could have come out of a LTR or marriage a year or so ago and aren't clear on their relationship goals. They may be fine with being single and just dating around. They maybe confirmed bachelors or bachlorettes and see their life in those terms.

No one group has a lock on dating, never assume they see things as you do, ASK!!!

One last thing, don't try and change anybody. Don't go into something expecting one thing when they seek another, it always ends badly. I'm not saying it can't end your way, if allowed to grow organically and they change their minds. BUT 90% or more of th time, it won't.
 no_1_bby
Joined: 5/3/2006
Msg: 14
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Is it disrespectful to date multiple people at once?
Posted: 8/12/2011 2:37:43 PM
As long as you are upfront with everyone, I don't see it as disrespectful.

Dating does not equal relationship.
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 15
Is it disrespectful to date multiple people at once?
Posted: 8/12/2011 2:57:13 PM
It isn't about respect.
It is about choices.

You met a decent guy you were attracted to and blew him off.
Not knocking you or saying you did him wrong.
Just that is the choice you made.
If dating other guys pays off.
good choice.
If not.
bad choice.

When starting out I liked having multiple options.
But since... I have found I prefer to make one choice at a time.
Cus at my age, good choices are scarce.
If I bump into one...
I take my chances and pass on all other options.

But that is just me.
Your choices are your own.
May they all be ones that give you joy.
 johnnyj218
Joined: 4/16/2010
Msg: 19
Is it disrespectful to date multiple people at once?
Posted: 8/12/2011 5:22:09 PM
So my question is, do you think it's disrespectful to date multiple people at once?


Not at all, that's what dating is all about. You date until you find the one you like and then become exclusive if that's what you want.


And what do you do once someone you are dating wants to be exclusive?


Again, if you feel the same way they do then go for it. You can't put a time table on your feelings as some may have strong feelings sooner than others. Just follow your heart, thats all you can do.

Yes, you're on the younger side and have a lot of experiences ahead of you but ignore the condescending "You're too young" and "Kiddo" comments. Last time I checked, you're a legal adult and should be treated as one. Too many people on here like to play "Mom and Dad" instead of giving you adult relationship advice.
 ForumFlashLight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 22
Is it disrespectful to date multiple people at once?
Posted: 8/12/2011 5:41:40 PM
Seriously Oyvay, no letter sweater???

I don't accept this.

I want the new version of the letter sweater.
 ForumFlashLight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 23
Is it disrespectful to date multiple people at once?
Posted: 8/12/2011 5:50:01 PM
OP

Any time you want to check out the "is this ridiculous" aspect of the situation when dating a guy...

Just ask yourself what a man would do. What do men do, when a woman tells them they want to be exclusive after one date ?

They run. Far and Fast.

Or they say No.

Whether it is disrespectful or not....you are a grown woman and you can set whatever boundaries you want to in your dating life. Then you have to be willing to accept that some might not want to date you, or you might decide to change your boundaries for someone if you want to.

You don't have to be a bowl of jello reacting to whatever other people want, when they throw that "disrespectful" card.

Good luck.
 PaMike1200
Joined: 5/5/2008
Msg: 25
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Is it disrespectful to date multiple people at once?
Posted: 8/12/2011 8:58:22 PM
Dating multiple people is not good. If the guy you are dating is what you are looking for, then why look elsewhere. If he is not what you want, then why would you date him. it's black or white.
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 26
Is it disrespectful to date multiple people at once?
Posted: 8/12/2011 10:19:11 PM
So my question is, do you think it's disrespectful to date multiple people at once?


Not at all---as long as you're upfront with him about dating other men and clear with him about what the concept of dating means to you personally, i.e. whether or not it includes sex.


And what do you do once someone you are dating wants to be exclusive?


In your case, if he asks you to be exclusive after just one date, I'd tell him this:

"I'm only exclusive with a man when I'm ready to have sex with him---and I'm not ready to have sex with you yet. It's too soon."
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 28
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Is it disrespectful to date multiple people at once?
Posted: 8/13/2011 3:31:49 AM
I don't believe you're disrespectful at all to date multiple people while you hone in on your choice for a full-time relationship.

To me, that's what dating is all about. You *should* get out and experience different personalities, backgrounds and interests. Know your options, then choose. If you don't find a choice you like, search anew.

*Sleeping* with multiple people is a different story. I don't condone that for health or emotional reasons. That's when casual sex becomes casualty sex -- someone always gets hurt.

But don't get pushed into anything for which you're not ready. You want to date openly for a bit? More power to you.
 OyVay...
Joined: 7/15/2011
Msg: 29
Is it disrespectful to date multiple people at once?
Posted: 8/13/2011 8:28:11 AM
See this is what I mean about dating!! Funk you gotta chill pal.

"are the guys who have plenty of options"

We all have plenty of options! The above statement is bull. You may not like those options, you may want other options, but options you have.

Now are there guys with zero options, absolutely, just like women. Sorry to say, but if you have to sneak up on a glass(so it won't break) to get a drink, you have no options. If your lazy, put all of 3 minutes into putting up your profile, complete with bathroom pic in your stained, spider man t-shirt, you will have less options! If your waiting on the POF-ATM date spitter outerer, instead of a back up plan or something IRL, you have less options.

"go and see some guy who u might think is better than us."

Not neccessarily better, "different".

I'm sorry, rare is the moment of a first date, where you see each other and lightning cracks, the angels sing and you rush into each others arms like a scene out of some movie.

Most people are nervous, some are insecure, others haven't done this in a while, still others have to learn a date is not all about them, but both people. Some are angry and confused, cause they didn't get over their last relationship and about a hundred other things.

It's never about just what you want, it's about what you both can see. This isn't like buying a car, the car doesn't care who buys it. But even using that tired example, you don't walk onto the lot and sit in the first car and buy it. You shop around, look at different models, take them for a test drive(first date).

No it isn't rocket science, but it's more complicated than turning on the stove.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 30
Is it disrespectful to date multiple people at once?
Posted: 8/13/2011 10:44:13 AM
Nothing wrong with "dating" more than one person at a time... but there is something wrong with Dating more than one person at a time. :)

If you go out on a date, keep in contact, and tentatively have a future date set up -- that's not Dating, that's more of the intro/pre-dating process that lasts several to a handful of dates, depending on the situation & people.

You shouldn't be tightly engaged with more than one person at a time. It's when there's that (emotional) distance between the two, that multiple people is a good thing. So you have to be careful when "playing the field" -- just play the field -- don't get too close to more than one person at one time.

Because what you and some else is, is not defined by a label you even mutually agree to put on it.... it's defined by what you do and the frequency and closeness of it all.
 dd3va
Joined: 11/18/2008
Msg: 32
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Is it disrespectful to date multiple people at once?
Posted: 8/13/2011 7:01:28 PM
I agree. I am a free agent until I meet someone that makes me not want to be.
 kmxplore51
Joined: 7/6/2008
Msg: 33
Is it disrespectful to date multiple people at once?
Posted: 8/13/2011 8:13:41 PM
OP: Your original comments show to me that you are a kind and considerate woman, and at the same time you know what you want to do. I find that impressive. You have explained to us in your OP that because of the past experiences, you do not want to become exclusive right away. You did not want to hurt your date's feelings by directly telling him that you might want to date others. I sympathize with your dilemma, especially since you found your date very worthy of further consideration.

One approach that might be worth considering is to explore deeper with your date as to why he feels the need to become exclusive and why he feels the need to know whether you are going to date others. If this type of conversation is done in a non-threatening manner, maybe the answers will reveal to you something positive or negative about your date, which could help you decide how you want to proceed with him.

I am only suggesting this route since you had a glowing experience with him. What I am getting at is that you could end up helping him navigate through this by trying to understand him wihtout giving up your own viewpoint. You might be able to reduce his anxiety by learning from you that it's not just about dating others, but that you simply need more time and more future interactions with him to confirm your initial liking. I believe such process could not only be helpful with your current situation but also future dating scenarios. To discard people at the first sign of so called insecurities when you find them otherwise very likeable is too simplistic an approach, and I would want to at least try to dig a bit deeper. You always will retain the right to veto in the end, if you discover something that is unaccpetable to you. I wish you success!
 Sully8545
Joined: 12/12/2009
Msg: 34
Is it disrespectful to date multiple people at once?
Posted: 8/14/2011 5:35:19 PM
At 21 your suppose to date multiple people. Go out and have fun.
 Archangel_07
Joined: 6/21/2010
Msg: 35
Is it disrespectful to date multiple people at once?
Posted: 8/14/2011 5:35:51 PM
Like one poster said unless there's a mutual agreement about being exclusive both of you are free people to do what ever.

4 me personally if I'm dating someone that is focused on me, I focus on them right back in return. If someone is not focused on me, I'm not focused on them either. Eye 4 an Eye, Tooth 4 a Tooth.
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