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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > I don't want a relationship between equals. There, I said it.      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 ForumFlashLight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 1
I don't want a relationship between equals. There, I said it.Page 1 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
If I wanted a relationship between equals, I would have to switch teams and play in the all-female tournaments.

I want a relationship with someone who is so different from me that I can never be what he is.

I don't want to be what he is. I just want to enjoy that he wants me, and I really want to enjoy admiring him for the man that he is.

I'm so fed up with the PC Cultural Dominance that has everyone demanding a 50-50 relationship, apples to apples.

Any kind of equality demands measurement and comparison and constant adjustment to mandate the illusion of fairness. I don't want to keep score...I refuse to compare a man to me or me against a man ever again....I'm not going to keep on adjusting my "performance" to make it even...if I even once start giving/feeling/creating less because I was "given less" or vice versa, give more to get more, then it is just another damn transaction.

What would a relationship be like for you if you just threw the illusion of equality out the window and did whatever you wanted to do with/for and yes! TO the person?
 mrcs84
Joined: 12/9/2008
Msg: 2
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I don't want a relationship between equals. There, I said it.
Posted: 8/17/2011 6:14:26 PM

If I wanted a relationship between equals, I would have to switch teams and play in the all-female tournaments.

Being on an equal playing field doesn't necessarily translate to being the same.


I don't want a relationship between equals. There, I said it.

So, would you rather you or your partner have the upper hand?
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 3
I don't want a relationship between equals. There, I said it.
Posted: 8/17/2011 6:21:33 PM

What would a relationship be like for you if you just threw the illusion of equality out the window and did whatever you wanted to do with/for and yes! TO the person?

When do you want to start?




Glad to hear someone admits it is an illusion... born out of the 60s generation and continuing to cause major miscommunication between expressed wants and actual needs..
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 4
I don't want a relationship between equals. There, I said it.
Posted: 8/17/2011 6:26:50 PM
I don't think equal means you are the same height, gender, etc...too literal.

I think it means that you are both present participants in the relationship. No one is saving the other, no one is doing all the work while the other sits with their feet up. No one is taking advantage of the other. You both are into being there and have a say in what's going on.

That's what I always thought it meant.

That said, the only thing that matters is what works for you and the guy you end up with. It doesn't matter what everyone else thinks regarding your life, so live it and don't give a crap what they say. By the same token let them live theirs their way and don't worry about that either.

Easy peasy.
 ForumFlashLight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 5
I don't want a relationship between equals. There, I said it.
Posted: 8/17/2011 6:37:43 PM
There is no equal playing field. We are not the same and don't want exactly the same things at the same time or in the same ways. Period.
 ForumFlashLight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 6
I don't want a relationship between equals. There, I said it.
Posted: 8/17/2011 6:38:12 PM
Now.

You are correct, IQ.
 ForumFlashLight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 7
I don't want a relationship between equals. There, I said it.
Posted: 8/17/2011 6:41:52 PM
There are topics, areas and turf I just don't care about. I don't need an equal voice on turf I don't care about.

The same is true for men. Stuff you guys don't care about getting dragged into every conversation, forcing both of us into double the amount of decision-making conferences, instead of just reducing it to the big stuff that one or both has an interest in or veto request for.

I don't expect the same exact equal importance every day. If my partner is in the hospital getting major surgery, he is more important that day. If I am scrambling to put together a major presentation for work, that is my day. It's unrealistic, this expectation of perfect shared-ness every single instant.
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 8
I don't want a relationship between equals. There, I said it.
Posted: 8/17/2011 6:53:05 PM
OP- you are 100% correct


there is NO such thing as a relationship of equals as it were.

how boring would that be??


any 2 people are different...

everyone brings strengths and weaknesses

but there is only ONE relationship of things which gotta be done.

there are gender norms that have been being supressed by feminism...

ironic how the more these ideas have taken root- divorce rates have skyrocketed in our country...
 kmxplore51
Joined: 7/6/2008
Msg: 9
I don't want a relationship between equals. There, I said it.
Posted: 8/17/2011 7:02:23 PM
OP, I really did enjoy the romantic spirit of your post. Well written and well expressed!

Like you, I too would celebrate the idea in my relationship of "doing whatever you want to do WITH, FOR, & TO the person that is mutually enjoyable". A true romantic thought indeed!
 UglyFroggieCritter
Joined: 8/21/2010
Msg: 10
I don't want a relationship between equals. There, I said it.
Posted: 8/17/2011 7:12:01 PM
Ah, fairness and a need not to be compared to a man.

God forbid they should compare to you.

Got it.
 ForumFlashLight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 11
I don't want a relationship between equals. There, I said it.
Posted: 8/17/2011 7:25:18 PM
But they CAN'T, Froggie. They CANNOT compare to us, as women. We are permanently different. We can connect across similarities, across basic humanity, but appreciating each other has to be about liking what we are not, even liking what we don't want to be.

And Commonsense, how wonderful that you say I don't know what I am talking about. Please explain to me, oh Beneficent Knower of All Things, how my forty-one years on this planet suddenly have no consequence because you don't a) understand my point and haven't asked for clarification or b) you just disagree with it.

And NO ONE has answered the original question of the post.
 _shakti_
Joined: 7/5/2011
Msg: 12
I don't want a relationship between equals. There, I said it.
Posted: 8/17/2011 7:50:55 PM

What would a relationship be like for you if you just threw the illusion of equality out the window and did whatever you wanted to do with/for and yes! TO the person?
Would you really need to throw the 'illusion' of equality out the window to be able to accomplish those things?

Imo equality is a balancing act in constant flux anyway, not some static list of differences that supposedly oppresses us. I think if you are able to fully give of yourself and experience another in the same spirit, then to me that is ideal.
 UglyFroggieCritter
Joined: 8/21/2010
Msg: 13
I don't want a relationship between equals. There, I said it.
Posted: 8/17/2011 7:53:30 PM

What would a relationship be like for you if you just threw the illusion of equality out the window and did whatever you wanted to do with/for and yes! TO the person?


I have no idea what such a "relationship" would be like because I have no such delusions about who and what I am when in a relationship. I don't lower my standard for any person, least of all myself.

Why be fake when we're so awesome to be who we are?

edit to add:


But they CAN'T, Froggie. They CANNOT compare to us, as women. We are permanently different. We can connect across similarities, across basic humanity, but appreciating each other has to be about liking what we are not, even liking what we don't want to be.


Of course men are different from women as much as women are to men. You asked (basically) whether we should be "different" while in a relationship. I'm attracted to men who are interested in the same things I am. We share similarities as much as differences. Appreciating the differences doesn't necessitate a dropping of the veil, if you will.

But I won't condescend to lower myself (not just my standards, but my 'ego') to be with someone just because I can fawn over him, or he, me. Just not my thing.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 14
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I don't want a relationship between equals. There, I said it.
Posted: 8/17/2011 8:00:25 PM
I agree, that this sounds like a VERY common misunderstanding of what EQUALITY means (especially including the negative references back to the women's lib movements, and feminism).

The best thing to look at to GET what "equality" SHOULD mean, is to look at the concept of
EQUALITY UNDER THE LAW.

In our legal system , when it is working correctly, we are all EQUALLY subject to the laws of the land. We are NOT required to be identical at all for this to be true. It is EQUALLY against the law for a rich person to drive too fast, as it is for a poor person to drive too fast.

Create your own list of similes, if you like.

OP, you are CLEARLY very angry about this, but it isn't at all clear what the triggering incident was that set you off. Something made you tear off on this rant, mistaking identity with equality (just as too many fools did back in the 60's and 70's).

Please explain directly what REALLY happened to make you so upset?
 laffingal81
Joined: 7/21/2011
Msg: 15
I don't want a relationship between equals. There, I said it.
Posted: 8/17/2011 8:18:12 PM
I admire this post!!! I come from a strong family where the women support their men and the men support their women. I can relate to the struggle to be feminine yet strong, to be independent yet caring, and so on. I have resolved to just be me. Take me or leave me.... And I have learned through this resolve that it cuts back on drama, weeds out those with false (or mis-stated) intentions, and builds friendships and relationships that are based on a solid footing of truth.

A few years ago, a friend gave me a book by Oriah Mountain Dreamer. The last line in the poem reads "I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and truly like the company you keep in the empty moments." It made me gasp and shiver. Life is too short to keep score of who leaves the seat up or the lid down and other trivial things. Love shouldn't be defined by how complete life is with another person, but rather by being able to mutually share joy, pain, madness...life!...without worrying about who gives more hugs or verbalizes their desire more often.

I could rant forever :/ but I'll stop with saying: THANK-YOU for sharing this thought!! May you find what you long for :)
 Casper66
Joined: 3/2/2007
Msg: 16
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I don't want a relationship between equals. There, I said it.
Posted: 8/17/2011 8:29:58 PM
I think the problem is your opinion OP of equality is singular and doesn't allow for other viewpoints, I view equality in that I'm treated with respect and not looked down on or treated differently just because I am a woman, that I'm not expected to do all the housework just because thats woman's work..ect. To me a relationship is all about companionship, compromise and balance, sort of a ying/yang thing, we all have our strengths and weaknesses, the trick is finding that other person who compliments us. As for myself I don't have the illusion of equality so nothing to throw out really, I don't want some carbon copy of myself, how boring would that be, but I do want to be treated with respect, love and appreciation, none of these things are gender specific.
 ForumFlashLight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 17
I don't want a relationship between equals. There, I said it.
Posted: 8/17/2011 8:37:21 PM
Thanks Laffingal and others who "got" it.

Igor...I'm not angry, it's not a rant. It was a conceptual exploration. Really, the composite concept of the "new" current idea of "equality" came straight from reading all sorts of forums here, where so many are clearly spelling out how scores will be kept, how the flow and contribution does indeed need to be identical. Legal visions of equality are not really in effect when there is as yet no constitutional amendment spelling it out.

Commonsense- really, you still insist that I am ignorant and don't know what I am talking about? Really? And you need to "school" me? Really?

It's not a utopian idea. Actually, it's quite well informed by several years of experience being surrounded by men of all sorts, types and abilities. And paying attention to being an island of difference among them, never one of them, and finding my place among them, yet not becoming one.

It's definitely not about being less "awesome" as a woman. In fact, it's all about being awesome as a woman!
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 18
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I don't want a relationship between equals. There, I said it.
Posted: 8/17/2011 8:54:28 PM
I don't find it hard to be equal human beings while being totally different people. What's gender got to do with it? It's about respect and acceptance. But OP, really, did you have to be equal, I mean this is all your choice, who's making you date men who are thinking women are equal as humans?
 Red Fish GF
Joined: 12/3/2009
Msg: 19
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I don't want a relationship between equals. There, I said it.
Posted: 8/17/2011 9:23:02 PM
commonsens reloaded
To be equal doesn't mean to be identical, or to keep scores, far from it!

Each partner simply have equal saying and desicional power on all aspect that rule the couple; equal as both can voice and stand their grounds, respect and be respected. There is no submissive and no dominant.

A woman can be feminine, do nothing masculine and still be the equal of her male partner and virce versa!

In a complementary couple, both have very different tasks within the couple, but both have the same importance as they are half of that couple.



I actually liked the first answer by commonsens.

My ex would keep score and even say he babysit our kids for me so I should do something for him. If he did the dishes for me then I owed him. He would scream at me if I disagreed with him but tell me I had no right to yell. It was NOT an equal partnership.

My SO and I do not keep scores, he does things for me because he wants to and I do the same. Sometimes he cooks and sometimes I do but we are not keeping track of who's turn it is. When there is a misunderstanding or problem we discuss it calmly together until it is resolved. I think this is what is meant by treating each other as an equal and I want that kind of relationship.

casper66
I view equality in that I'm treated with respect and not looked down on or treated differently just because I am a woman, that I'm not expected to do all the housework just because thats woman's work..ect. To me a relationship is all about companionship, compromise and balance, sort of a ying/yang thing, we all have our strengths and weaknesses, the trick is finding that other person who compliments us.
 theforumfiend
Joined: 10/21/2007
Msg: 20
I don't want a relationship between equals. There, I said it.
Posted: 8/18/2011 12:00:43 AM

What would a relationship be like for you if you just threw the illusion of equality out the window and did whatever you wanted to do with/for and yes! TO the person?


Therein lies the problem. If both partners cared about the other person as much as they cared about themselves and sincerely took their partners best interest into account marriages would be healthier. Unfortunately this is not reality. Too many partners care mostly (or only) about their own wants and treat others as possessions to meet their needs.

Frankly I want a 100/100 percent relationship where both are willing to give all to their relationship. Since I can't have it... I'll just take my ball and play by myself.
 Lint Spotter
Joined: 8/27/2009
Msg: 21
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I don't want a relationship between equals. There, I said it.
Posted: 8/18/2011 4:18:58 AM

Your posts sound like you're hinting in that direction.
Hinting? Steam rollers have less of an impact than the OP's posts.

I want a partner... fully equal. If I'm having a bad day, I want him to take over and help too soothe me just as I would do the same for him in a similar circumstance. I can't imagine willingly giving up control to another person consistently.
 Fleuron
Joined: 8/18/2010
Msg: 22
I don't want a relationship between equals. There, I said it.
Posted: 8/18/2011 6:45:42 AM

Women knew their place and they actually enjoyed it


 Phenomenally43
Joined: 7/16/2011
Msg: 23
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I don't want a relationship between equals. There, I said it.
Posted: 8/18/2011 7:11:43 AM
I agree!..."It would be a thousand pities if women wrote like men, or lived like men, or looked like men, for if two sexes are quite inadequate, considering the vastness and variety of the world, how should we manage with one only?" - Virginia Woolf
 Lint Spotter
Joined: 8/27/2009
Msg: 24
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I don't want a relationship between equals. There, I said it.
Posted: 8/18/2011 7:50:20 AM
You'll end up as an angry & bitter man hater dyke with enlarged clitoris.
You mean abstinence causes lesbianism and an enlarged clitoris?

 kmxplore51
Joined: 7/6/2008
Msg: 25
I don't want a relationship between equals. There, I said it.
Posted: 8/18/2011 2:35:41 PM
OP, I have a question for you. I am curious to know if you agree with message #17 by "nextbestfriend".

Specifically, do you agree that what you described in your original poster relates to and defines what message #17 calls 'unconditional love'?

If you do not agree, I wonder if you can enlighten me how unconditional love is different from what you aspire your ideal of a loving relationship would be. I think this would help me understand better where you are coming from. I see your post less about equality issues and more about giving into each other totally!

By the way, Mr "nextbestfriend" (msg 17): I congratulate you on an extremely well thought-out post. It directly addressses what you think the OP is about, written in a non-judgemental positive manner without an ounce of negativity. I am impressed!
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