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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Suspense building... will we EVER hook up?      Home login  
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 pdx11
Joined: 8/12/2011
Msg: 1
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Suspense building... will we EVER hook up?Page 1 of 1    
So I went on 2 dates with a guy (but knew him through our sports team beforehand). On our team he was known as an outgoing, confident flirt. But once it was he & I on a date, he was totally different & actually seemed nervous to make moves!! Only hugged at end of first date & barely kissed me on 2nd, even though we were alone at the end of both dates. Did romantic stuff like hand holding, cuddling. He always seemed reserved/slow to open up. For example, at the end of our last sports season he just said "Good luck, take care" and "I'll be busy these next few months" -- as though he had no intention of seeing me again outside of games. But then 2 weeks later, lo & behold, he asked me out -- all on his own.

Unfortunately, for the 3rd "date" he texted me late at night from the bar, asked if I wanted to come over & hang out. I went, but when I got there - a full hour later - he was slurring & actually still drinking at his place with me there. So I said up front that I wasn't gonna go upstairs, said vaguely that it was "too soon," only made out w/clothes on (but we were both very into the first-time kissing, it went on forever). Then I kept offering to leave but he would shake his head, smile, and hold me tight, just said "I want to fall asleep in your arms" on his couch & didn't try anything else sexual. But after that night he went cold on me, only invited me 1 place over the next few weeks -- a group outing in middle of day, last-minute. He'd respond to my texts & say he wanted to get together again sometime (I know he did have very legit reasons that a few weeks in a row were impossible for him to get together)... but then he didn't confirm a specific date when I invited him to come over my place, even though he'd initially sounded down for it, so I figured that was the end of it all. (Unless he didn't want to be at my place alone because last time we were alone, he got rejected for sex & didn't know why?!!)

Then the next sports season began. At practice, I asked to talk. he's like "what are we talking about... i don't see what's going to change -- do u need to vent?" He was on the defensive & clearly thought I was mad at him. But I go, "OK. When I came over that night, you were slurring & have admitted yourself that you don't remember anything we talked about that night. You were really drunk, and I wasn't feeling it." He says, "You don't owe me an explanation -- no hard feelings." I respond, "Oh, I know I don't owe you anything. But it's important to me for you to know that when I came over, it's because I wanted to f*ck. I don't go over someone's house like that to mess with them... it was just the situation." As soon as I said "I wanted to f*ck," he got this big grin on his face... I'm always way more proper - I'm sure I shocked him.

I said, "I liked you. I wanted to hang out/date in addition to sex. Maybe I sent the wrong message by coming over on a "booty call" like that, & I've never done anything like that before, but I was really attracted to u & knew what I wanted..." I also asked if he was actually looking for a full blown relationship and he said, "No..." then when he locked eyes with me, he said, "Not reeeeally..." I said "I'm not looking for anything serious either. And you know I never expected anything from you. We didn't talk very often, I just wanted to hang out, like, once a week." He then felt the need to give an explanation about why he's been so busy in recent weeks. I said, "you don't owe me any explanations. But it's obvious what we both do want from each other... & honestly, it's not all that common to find an attraction like this. So I just think it's stupid for both of us if we never have sex and just see what happens from there."

He said "maybe" because he's worried about "drama" that could accompany it: Our serious sports team has a strict no dating between teammates policy & we have 3 games left (it really is a big problem). I had spontaneously suggested he come over tomorrow night & he goes, "Tomorrow night would be way too soon... next weekend may not be too soon..." He also said he's tentative because he wouldn't want us to end up with different/misaligned feelings out of it potentially. I was like, "We just laid that out on the table. Neither person wants something serious right now. There's nothing to analyze here." So basically he is playing it cool but sounds interested for next weekend? I kept telling him, "hey you can just say no if you're not interested," but he did not want to take that bait...

My friend thinks he's just as worried about himself having "feelings" come out of this as I am. She's developed the theory that he's emotionally immature but good in bed... & that he really "liked" me so he wanted to bed me & then felt shut down when he got rejected & walked away, & now he's playing it even more "cool" than he did before, because after all I was the one who rejected him last time... and he needs time to process everything that just happened...

At our next game this evening, things between us were totally normal and nice.
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 2
Suspense building... will we EVER hook up?
Posted: 8/19/2011 6:42:36 PM
My take is he's not looking for a relationship.
He's up for anything but that.
No need to psycho analyze his feelings or other such nonsense.

If you want a hookup, he's game.
If you want more than that,
best date another guy.

Just don't make the mistake of thinking you can change this dynamic somehow.
You will just end up hurt.
 mrmisterme
Joined: 6/7/2009
Msg: 3
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Suspense building... will we EVER hook up?
Posted: 8/19/2011 7:19:46 PM
No suspense here at all. I'll wait for the reader's digest on that book you just wrote
 pdx11
Joined: 8/12/2011
Msg: 4
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Suspense building... will we EVER hook up?
Posted: 8/19/2011 10:14:35 PM
I do understand we must wait at least a week bc of our sports team... but what is this "We might end up with different feelings" reasoning? I never told him or acted like I wanted something serious. Honest, I'd send 2 texts/week and be the one to end the convo first. And from the 2 dates we had, he honestly seemed nervous & tried no sexual moves whatsoever... but he did really seem to enjoy the whole cuddling/touching/being close aspect. Everyone knows alcohol makes people braver to actually make a move. I think he's emotionally closed off & immature with relationships & doesn't know how to do things "right" with someone he likes, and it got even worse once I rejected him for sex. Now that I put it on the table, he's like "oh cool she is into me," but pride would not make a man immediately jump up & down and say "yes! tomorrow!" after previous sexual rejection.

And no -- he never got "mad." Did not pressure me at all that night, later just asked if he could fall asleep in my arms & meant that. And has been every bit friendly & acted like his normal self towards me since. He just shied away from further dates because what i did made me look like a total game player & tease -- not refusing sex, but coming over late at night then refusing it. He didn't know it was only because he was drunk. Now that I've cleared the air I honestly think it's different once he has a chance to process it.
 pdx11
Joined: 8/12/2011
Msg: 5
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Suspense building... will we EVER hook up?
Posted: 8/19/2011 11:01:36 PM
It's a worry now because we didn't realize we'd play on the same team multiple more times in the future, not just that one last season. We both thought that'd be it at the time.

And I just am not convinced he's down for the hookup, if he gave me that "maybe"! Although he really always has played it cool... and I kept saying "hey if you're not up for it, tell me no"... and he didn't use the sports-team excuse as a reason to say "We just can't ever do that." Instead, he was all "yeah next weekend may work -- as long as it's not too soon after our last game of season"

He did say the piece about worrying that 1 person would end up with more feelings/expectations... but I have never acted the slightest bit demanding, 3 texts per week at most, never a single "talk" about anything "serious" until now, never asking him for fancy dates. and hey who knows... maybe he's wondering about the outcome of his own feelings too
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 6
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Suspense building... will we EVER hook up?
Posted: 8/20/2011 4:17:24 AM
Didn't you post this EXACT same question a couple of weeks ago? Still chasing a drunk guy and wanting none-drunk sex?

I suggest you change your entire approach to guy hunting, and stop looking for drinkers altogether, since you have trouble relating to them.
 pdx11
Joined: 8/12/2011
Msg: 7
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Suspense building... will we EVER hook up?
Posted: 8/20/2011 7:38:21 AM

This woman knew what she wanted, and she just didn't have the guts to follow through with her plan, and now she's blaming the guy for her own lack of decisiveness.
I expected him to have been drinking -- he was at a bar, for goodness' sake. But it was a full hour later & he was still having a beer when I arrived & slurred a few words... and even he knows already that he didn't remember anything we talked about that night. I didn't know things would play out that way. And I still really liked the guy, so I made out with him w/clothes on but said up front when asked that we weren't going upstairs because it was "too soon." and yes I know he sobered up as time went on that night, but how weird would it be to say "now you seem sober enough, let's backtrack and do it right now?!!"


I think you are chasing after him and he is really not that interested. A guy who is truly interested doesn't make excuses for not getting involved or only wants to get 'close' when he is drunk.
1) I never thoguht he wanted an actual serious relationship. That's fine. 2) It wasn't beer goggles with me, but rather liquid courage. You simply didn't see how nervous he was on those first 2 dates.

I'm fine with everything. I just don't know, from his "maybe" etc, if he still wrote me off as an awful tease... or if he's trying to deal with his own feelings now that I confronted him with new info
 pdx11
Joined: 8/12/2011
Msg: 8
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Suspense building... will we EVER hook up?
Posted: 8/20/2011 9:42:55 AM
Essentially I just need to
Figure out if he's willing to move forward now that I've clarified why I did not sleep with him that night. I think it's an explanation where he honestly should man up & understand.
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