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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > First Date Men buying my meal or drinks      Home login  
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 BigSpoon80
Joined: 7/1/2011
Msg: 2
First Date Men buying my meal or drinksPage 1 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
If its a date and I ask you then I feel the need to pay. If its a first meet then I'm paying for myself only. If were in a relationship who cares who pays unless its always one sided.
 Orgulloso
Joined: 8/28/2010
Msg: 3
First Date Men buying my meal or drinks
Posted: 8/26/2011 8:44:47 AM
Agreed, if I asked you out I feel that I should pay. Not a big deal from my perspective.

G
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 10
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First Date Men buying my meal or drinks
Posted: 8/26/2011 9:19:18 AM
I have always offered to split the bill, if a man offers to pay I accept it. I think adults all understand common courtesy. It is nice to offer to pay the following time or offer to treat to dessert, drinks etc.
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 11
First Date Men buying my meal or drinks
Posted: 8/26/2011 9:24:16 AM

says a lot about a guy raised being a complete gentleman. However I ten d to buy meals or drinks later into it!

Inquiring Forumites are wondering about numbers here..
About how many "first meet" date dinners have you been treated to?
Next, about how many 2nd date dinners have you had and reciprocated by buying or making them at home?
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 12
First Date Men buying my meal or drinks
Posted: 8/26/2011 9:27:53 AM
Ok just wondering all my first dates have paid my meal or drinks! I usually offer to split. IS that offensive?

That's not only NOT offensive, it's perfect. I've always expected to pay for a first date, but when a woman offers to split the tab, it tells me a lot about her attitude, even though I decline the offer. Paying is not the issue. It's the expectation that I'll pay that is. When a woman offers to split the tab, she's telling me she doesn't have a princess complex and that she has some social grace. So, do just what you're doing. How a guy handles the tab ought to tell you something about him, too.
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 14
First Date Men buying my meal or drinks
Posted: 8/26/2011 9:38:50 AM
OP- I don't want you to pay. I am mildly offended when girls do offer and/or if they kinda push ...


but that don't mean I won't ask u out again...if you do offer.


i am NOT impressed by a woman and her money.

MOST men are not.


there are OTHER things that you have we are more impressed with....and they don't cost a thing.
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 15
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First Date Men buying my meal or drinks
Posted: 8/26/2011 10:07:11 AM
If they insist.....you insist on getting the tip and the next meal that you two have....and then follow through.

To many say that they want to pay their share, and make it equal, but more times than not, they give the lip part, but not the real part....the money!!

cd.........
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 16
First Date Men buying my meal or drinks
Posted: 8/26/2011 11:51:18 AM

I thought this would remove awkwardness when the bill came. You know, he got a little frantic that I had payed for our date and insisted we dine the next day so that he could pay.

And THAT shows what insisting on paying actually is all about: Display of power/control, to try to gain enough to feel more equal, and less uncertain of the potential outcome of the ephemeral interaction called "dating"...
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 17
First Date Men buying my meal or drinks
Posted: 8/26/2011 12:03:24 PM

^^^ It's very confusing these days, isn't it?

It certainly is. So much second-guessing. So much concern about how one is being perceived by the other. Over something so unimportant. Yet I think “who pays” has almost become a pass/fail moment.

It’s silly and overblown, but being about money between men and women, it’s touchy, delicate, difficult to mention.

It’s one reason I prefer a first date that’s simple and brief, one we could both easily afford, where the amount spent is relatively insignificant.

After that, we can discuss things more easily and have a real date.
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 19
First Date Men buying my meal or drinks
Posted: 8/26/2011 12:23:07 PM
If it's a first meeting where we mutually agreed to see one another, I think it's best to go dutch. I always expect to pay for my own drinks unless the man is adamant about paying. The first actual date should be paid for by the person extending the invitation.
 MaskedNobleman
Joined: 11/15/2010
Msg: 20
First Date Men buying my meal or drinks
Posted: 8/26/2011 1:27:47 PM
It is most often seen as an action of chivalry. Though, you could make an argument that there is underlying psychological motivation for doing so. To have a man pay for the entire date shows that he has enough currency to comfortably afford such expenses which gives the impression that there is some modicum of success on his part. This is used to lure/attract the female who if we go by the 1950 nuclear family ideal, sees strength in this. When we go out with another, we dress to impress and hope to have a lovely evening that shows off qualities from most aspects of our life. From hygiene, to personality, to finances.

As for a male taking offense? This could be interpreted that he is losing his chance with you. He would see it as a subtle signal that the female has no interest to take this beyond a first date and wants to abandon any guilt she would associate with "owing him one."
 Tervis
Joined: 5/18/2009
Msg: 23
First Date Men buying my meal or drinks
Posted: 8/26/2011 1:37:33 PM
I always pay too, but it is nice when a girl offers. Then again I have been bullied around by girls who then seem to want to go get breakfast lunch and dinner every day there after. Once I am out 200 dollars a week I tire of it and move on. Its just no fun to do things for someone when they demand that you do if that makes any sense. You are obviously not like that so I would not worry about it.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 24
First Date Men buying my meal or drinks
Posted: 8/26/2011 1:48:13 PM

Yet I think “who pays” has almost become a pass/fail moment.

If it's a pass/fail moment, it's not a very difficult tes. I have never been offended, nor had the slightest bit of difficulty at tab time. If someone takes offense, it's that person's choice to be offended, which to me would just be an indication of lacking social graces. I mean really, if a person takes offense to something so trivial, I wouldn't hold out much hope for dealing with that person in a relationship.

It’s silly and overblown, but being about money between men and women, it’s touchy, delicate, difficult to mention.

It might be overblown, but if a person can't deal with sorting out a tab in a way that won't be off putting to the typical sane person, I'd have to wonder about that person's ability to function in a social setting.
 The_Standard_Model
Joined: 7/14/2007
Msg: 29
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First Date Men buying my meal or drinks
Posted: 8/27/2011 12:50:31 AM

It's very confusing these days, isn't it?


No. It's not confusing. Frankly, the man is traditionally expected to pay and generally if he wants success on the date he will. If the woman is the sort that insists on paying/going dutch/ contributing then she should say so before they sit down at said, restaurant/bar and make it clear that she finds the act of wrestling over the bill when it arrives unattractive. The man WILL get it. He is on the date to attract the woman. He will not do something that she has already told him will be unattractive. It then gives both people the opportunity to negotiate the arrangements (like you get dinner and I will get the movie type of thing). I guaratee you if the woman simply says what she expects to happen before they actually eat or drink, then then man (assuming that he is not using paying as a power play) will simply let her do her thing and respect that she is a strong minded and independant person.

But the onus is on the woman to say something before hand as the man is traditionally expected and socialized to pay.
 LinuxD
Joined: 12/6/2008
Msg: 30
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First Date Men buying my meal or drinks
Posted: 8/27/2011 1:04:54 AM
You should NOT pay! Sorry, but I have read many books and studies on this issue. Don't pay, don't do it. Don't feel guilty. I could get into the "man gene" hormone reasons but I will say what I tell men that complain about this when I say I won't pay. .

1. We still do not make equal money nor equally judged in looks.
We are expected to keep our looks, be up to date, in style, not age, they don't have to worry about it. They can get wrinkles, big bellies, wear their college shirts and jeans of years gone by and think they are "all that". But women can't.
2. We have much more expense to keep our selves dressed and dateable.
Hair, makeup, underthings, clothing, clothing, clothing, and on and on. They don't. They throw on a pair of jeans, a shirt and are ready to go. We have tons to do and makeup and keeping up to date and all that other stuff is darn expensive. Let him take you to buy some makeup Once and see how expensive it is.
3. Get some books men write, they will tell you (if honest), if they really like a woman, they will pull out all stops to pay for dates. It is as it is.

As the millionair matchmaker will say--The man is the hunter-let him do what he does best. Be a man. YOU pay!



LOL what a load of tripe.. keep reading those books,let us know how they are working for you other than filling your head with trash.

So in order to date all you HAVE to do is look pretty. It doesn't work that way. You CHOOSE to spend that money on yourself. You do not HAVE to spend one cent on any of those thingsBy your reasoning a guy should fit the bill so that you can continue to support your CHOICES..meh .. smacks of entitlement.


Honestly If I ask a woman out I expect to pay, if she offers.. no big deal.. I'll still pay. I'm not on the date for anything other than to enjoy her company. and have dinner or participate in an activity with her. If I can't afford to pay for our date then I don't need to be dating,simple as that. If the woman wants to offer to pick up the tab the next time great, I'll still offer to pay or at least go Dutch.
 smokincigars
Joined: 3/25/2010
Msg: 31
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First Date Men buying my meal or drinks
Posted: 8/27/2011 1:20:05 AM
When I ask a lady out, I expect to pay because I requested the pleasure of her company. Besides, I was brought up to believe that the guy always pays. But if a woman asked me to go somewhere special and she was the one who bought tickets, etc., I would not feel obligated to repay her. And when it comes to shopping, casino gambling and similar activities where we decide individually how much we spend, it's generally Dutch treat.
 Tervis
Joined: 5/18/2009
Msg: 33
First Date Men buying my meal or drinks
Posted: 8/27/2011 11:53:59 AM
Wow cowboy you have obviously been on a few dates on this site as well. I am going for two out of fifteen for people that actually looked like they do in their pictures and have the same interests. People on here ridicule my pictures sometime, but I know they are bad pictures I actually look better in real life so I never have to worry when meeting up. I never dates those two girls we never seemed to be a pair, but we are friends and that is just fine with me too. I have had hard times finding people on here even when they are sitting right in front of me. I also totally agree splitting seems fair for first dates on here. I would also offer to pay If I liked them. However, many people on here are liars and I am just trying to play nice for 30 minutes.
 Fleuron
Joined: 8/18/2010
Msg: 34
First Date Men buying my meal or drinks
Posted: 8/27/2011 2:41:37 PM

2. We have much more expense to keep our selves dressed and dateable.


That is so incredibly offensive to me.

I want a man who’s gonna care about ME, not what clothes I’m wearing, or my gobs of makeup, collagen injections, blah blah blah.

Sorry, but I don’t see why some idiotically vain choices made by an insecure woman is somehow a man’s responsibility. Because you chose to waste your money trying to feel good about yourself…that’s why he should fork out the dough for your meal??

Honestly, Cindy, quit reading stupid dating books and use some common sense. You don’t want a man who sees you as some walking mannequin. Lose the adversarial attitude. Your date should not be your enemy.

There. Now pay me $29.95 for my dating advice.

On second thought, save it, and pay your share of your next date.
 Tervis
Joined: 5/18/2009
Msg: 36
First Date Men buying my meal or drinks
Posted: 8/27/2011 4:24:30 PM
Wow lislandmermaid you must be a nice person I would not have even made it to the end of that date ok well actually I would, but I think most would not. There are cool people on here too though not many, but some. I have met a few sure we did not click like that, but more or less decent people to be around. Here is my worst one from this site and no it is not this site that is bad it is this whole online thing all together.

We met up I am going to skip all the little parts. We were on the date she kept talking about marriage and children the whole time. Asking if I was someone who could see her that way. How do you answer this I just told her I'd rather not talk about that. She kept walking of and talking on the phone a lot too. We ended up going somewhere else her city right. Guess what mom and dad are at the next place. So I get to meet ma and pa. We go somewhere else and I see some more family members. Later it turns out my date told some of her family we were going out for months and we were getting married. I am too nice to tell her off in front of her friends and family. It took me hours and hours to escape this whole situation. This girl called me back everyday for weeks. That date was a nightmare obviously did not see her again thank goodness she did not know where I lived.

Like you I have met some fun people too though two of which I am friends with. One is actually a very good friend. I honestly do not think your guy was a professor. I have made over 60,000 a year before and when I did I did not give care if I paid, I used to take my friends out to expensive places all the time and paid for it all.
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 37
First Date Men buying my meal or drinks
Posted: 8/27/2011 8:00:09 PM
And the tripe above ^^^^^ about all the money for makeup and crap tells you a lot. LOL My dates are welcome to pull on some tight jeans, a t-shirt and flip flops. Brush their hair and I am good. If they are clean I am pretty much OK for 90 percent of our dates... I want the cute gal that doesnt have to apply makeup with a spatula for 2 hours to go grab dinner. She looks on my date pretty much like she will look when she wakes up in my bed in the morning. So no screaming in horror at dawn usually.


I agree with cowboy. What man wants to "hunt" for a woman who expects him to pay for her company just because she has to shell out a fortune for thick, light-diffusing makeup to fill in her acne scars or hide her wrinkles? The low-maintenance women are, coincidentally, the best-looking ones. An additional tip for men: Be wary of women with blurry photos.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 39
First Date Men buying my meal or drinks
Posted: 8/28/2011 8:58:09 AM
You should NOT pay! Sorry, but I have read many books and studies on this issue. Don't pay, don't do it. Don't feel guilty.

That's interesting. The only women I'd never feel guilty about playing are women with that attitude. When playing games, winning is everything.

We have much more expense to keep our selves dressed and dateable.

There's nothing attractive about being high maintenence and in any case, that's a choice you make, not men.

Get some books men write, they will tell you (if honest), if they really like a woman, they will pull out all stops to pay for dates. It is as it is.

What, the Desperate Man's Guide to High Maintenence Women? Paying for dates was never an issue, but women who expected that, were.

Not the first time I've encountered cheap men. Out of the men I've met online, only one so far has had the common courtesy and decency to pay. And I will stay friends with him.

So basically, it didn't make much difference that he paid. I'm sure he was thrilled with the offer of friendship.
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 40
First Date Men buying my meal or drinks
Posted: 8/28/2011 9:42:20 PM
I pay on all dates for a number of reasons..


but first and foremost is because I feel that I am the man- I set the tone for what I want and am looking for.

If I am looking for a more old fashioned type of relationship/girl- then what kind of signal am I sending if I expect her to pay ?? even if our first meet cost less than $10 ?

I am by NO means a guy who throws money around, just because I feel like I am paying...nor do I set the tone that I am ""entitled"" to anything cuz I paid for a couple of drinks or a dinner...


I am confident enough in myself and who I am/how I am with women to KNOW when a girl is just in it for a free ride. so I am not even worried about gold diggers...

it just sets the tone...

that's all I am saying...

I ask you out. I am paying.

that's how men do it.
 Jersey125
Joined: 1/23/2011
Msg: 41
First Date Men buying my meal or drinks
Posted: 8/29/2011 1:28:42 PM

You should NOT pay! Sorry, but I have read many books and studies on this issue. Don't pay, don't do it. Don't feel guilty. I could get into the "man gene" hormone reasons but I will say what I tell men that complain about this when I say I won't pay. .

1. We still do not make equal money nor equally judged in looks.
We are expected to keep our looks, be up to date, in style, not age, they don't have to worry about it. They can get wrinkles, big bellies, wear their college shirts and jeans of years gone by and think they are "all that". But women can't.
2. We have much more expense to keep our selves dressed and dateable.
Hair, makeup, underthings, clothing, clothing, clothing, and on and on. They don't. They throw on a pair of jeans, a shirt and are ready to go. We have tons to do and makeup and keeping up to date and all that other stuff is darn expensive. Let him take you to buy some makeup Once and see how expensive it is.
3. Get some books men write, they will tell you (if honest), if they really like a woman, they will pull out all stops to pay for dates. It is as it is.

As the millionair matchmaker will say--The man is the hunter-let him do what he does best. Be a man. YOU pay!


The millionaire matchmaker is single and so are the majority of the women who write those books as well as the millions of woemn who buy them.
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 43
First Date Men buying my meal or drinks
Posted: 8/29/2011 2:47:56 PM

men should always pay, no matter what. Guys are getting cheap & lazy. They want to show off their cars and huge TVs and they want endless BJs but then expect us to offer to split the bill? F that.


Why should men always be expected to pay? Aren't you getting just as much enjoyment from being in his company as he is in yours? Don't you like to ride around with him in that nice car? Don't you like to watch that huge TV with him? Do you not receive the same benefits of a rewarding sex life as he does?

If you don't, it's because you're with the wrong man. And if you do, just know this: Men of quality have options---and they're not going to put up with that self-entitled princess attitude for very long, because they don't have to.
 SuzyAoX
Joined: 1/9/2011
Msg: 44
First Date Men buying my meal or drinks
Posted: 8/29/2011 2:48:30 PM
I don't mind paying my half, but i don't know how to go about doing it.

If I ask to split bill -I'm scared he will be unimpressed by the fact that I even asked, And assume that I expected him to pay.

How do i go about offering?
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