Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Physically abused for the first time      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 goldpot
Joined: 8/20/2011
Msg: 1
Physically abused for the first timePage 1 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
Need some advise.I have been seeing someone for nearly three years. In a nutshell he is a great guy. He is loving, loyal and a wonderful sorrogate dad to my son. We dont live together but had been talking about doing so this year.

Besides the odd arguements and ocassional bickering, he has never been mentally nor physically abusive.

Three weeks ago he got drunk for the first time and turned into a monster. He became disorientated, he pushed me about, spoke to me very aggressively and he kicked me in the ribs.
We are both shocked at his reaction. Me particularly because he couldnt remember the dreadful incident!

So now we are on a break and I am thinking of ending our relationpship. He is beside himself. Says he will stop drinking, see a councillor, do anything to save our relatioship. I just feel really betrayed, empty, numb. I never thought he would do that to me . I have been drunk sometimes and I would never hit anyone

I dont know what to do
 goldpot
Joined: 8/20/2011
Msg: 2
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/28/2011 3:12:07 AM
What I am thinking is that he has unleashed something in him and it could happen again? Is it the drink or from him? His drink pattern is normal...only drinks on weekends and in healthy amounts
 motown cowgirl
Joined: 6/30/2010
Msg: 3
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/28/2011 3:15:48 AM
alcohol lowers your inhibitions, so if he drinks enough of it he eventually becomes uninhibited enough to uncover the violent and abusive personality traits he already had.

i am not necessarily going to say that you should end the relationship, but his saying "i can't remember" is not an excuse. if i were you, i would not continue the relationship without some drop-dead serious counseling.
 1in1000000000
Joined: 10/17/2010
Msg: 4
view profile
History
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/28/2011 3:18:41 AM
Of course it could happen again. Normal men don't just get drunk and kick a woman (much less their own woman). Something is very wrong that he would get that drunk, or do something that terrible (harming you). Leave him alone, and do not look back. I know that is easy for me to say as someone on the outside looking in, but take my advice for your own sake and for the sake of your son.
 Soupaman1986
Joined: 7/25/2011
Msg: 5
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/28/2011 3:33:47 AM
I too, think that you should put yourself and your son first, safety wise, that is.

There's untold men out there who don't go out getting intoxicated to the point of beating their wives or partners, so why give this monster another chance? LOL

Seriously though, even if you did stay with him, it's always going to be there in the back of your mind, and the association of alcohol & his violence, why live in fear?

The damage has already been done...
 richl9548
Joined: 4/16/2010
Msg: 6
view profile
History
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/28/2011 3:40:41 AM
I can't count the number of times that I've been drunk. NEVER ONCE HAVE I HIT SOMEONE. In my opinion, this relationship should go no further without (a) ceasing ALL drinking immediately, period; (b) alcohol counseling; (c) anger management couseling; (d) participation in a program such as AA.

This is asssault consummated with battery in a domestic violence environment...next time, call the police immediately
 RubyWaxxx
Joined: 10/23/2010
Msg: 7
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/28/2011 3:43:08 AM
Alcohol-related blackouts are not uncommon, especially if he drank a lot very fast. So him saying he can't remember attacking you could easily be true.
If, as you say, this is the first and only time he attacked you and if he is truly willing to give up drinking, I would consider staying.
But what about you? Can you trust him again? I don't think I could.
Like the above poster says, I couldn't live with the fear that he might drink again -or that something else might trigger this.
What if it happens again? What if next time it's more violent? Too scary..
 Ffrin
Joined: 2/7/2008
Msg: 8
view profile
History
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/28/2011 3:46:08 AM
I would just like to share with you what someone said to my daughter, who has finally got free of a four year abusive relationship.
She went to Donna to have her hair done. Donna saw the bruise on her arm and, speaking from bitter personal experience, said to her:

"It doesn't matter how much he cries, or how much he promises never to do it again. He WILL do it again, and he'll do it WORSE."

Sadly, my girl thought she was in love and He, poor soul, had problems she thought she could help him with. And it wasn't until he got her pregnant that he let go of her (=dropped her for someone else).

I know what you should do, OP, and do it soon.
 PrunellaJones
Joined: 1/22/2011
Msg: 9
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/28/2011 3:48:28 AM
Normal men don't just get drunk and kick a woman (much less their own woman). Something is very wrong ....
Leave him now. Take this very seriously. If he gets serious counseling, you might go back to him in the future, but something is VERY wrong with him and you are in danger. As well, you are going to feel unsure of him and wonder if this will happen again; you'll live in fear and uncertainty if you stay with him.
 Looking4aNewLife70
Joined: 3/10/2010
Msg: 10
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/28/2011 3:48:29 AM
well i drink when i want to but no there is no excuess for a male to hit a female and then blame it on drinking i myself got out of a 5 yr marrage cause my wife was hitting all the time and blamed it on something else but herself but hey its up to u what you want to do but it will not stop there just the once that what people always say but it will happen again but he kicked you in the ribs what will happen to you next time for you to leave you know think about your child before your self SORRY to sound nasty but im not your child needs to come first and she or he does not need to see the voilance as they say there is plenty of others out there so i would say leave and fined some1 better.
 peppermint petunias
Joined: 9/2/2009
Msg: 11
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/28/2011 3:56:22 AM
There is always a first time.

The cemetery is full of forgiving partners, so are prisons full of women who had enough.

Foster care is full of kids that have moms with DRUNK abusive men.

You think about it, but not to long.

Does he have a gun he may forget about?

LEAVE.

Go get counseling for yourself and forget him.


Your child will be better off and you may not hate yourself for screwing up your kid
Don't be surprised if your kid has ZERO respect for you later in life.

It only tales one time for people to get hit by a car/bus and they don't step in the road anymore without looking both ways..or staying out of a busy road.

Me thinks you both may drink to much period.

 Titus_Maccius_Plautus
Joined: 6/26/2011
Msg: 12
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/28/2011 3:58:35 AM
How many times does it take for someone to hit you before you leave him? Once, twice, three times... What will be his excuse next time?... sleep walking.

I know you have a three year relationship with the man and you love him. But, he has demonstrated he can be abusive. Alcohol is not a defense or an excuse for his behavior. I have been drunk and have never hit anyone. I suspect that if you continue and eventually move in with him, it could get worse. Are you willing to take that risk?

The fact that he is thinking a seeking counseling is positive. But you need to think of your safety and your child’s safety. The best thing you can do for yourself, for your child and for him is to leave him.

Personally, I think the trust is broken and the relationship will never be the same. Let him get the help he needs. If he is truly honest, he will get the help and he will be better off for his next relationship.

Titus
 Pingshooter
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 13
view profile
History
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/28/2011 3:58:57 AM

alcohol lowers your inhibitions, so if he drinks enough of it he eventually becomes uninhibited enough to uncover the violent and abusive personality traits he already had.

i am not necessarily going to say that you should end the relationship, but his saying "i can't remember" is not an excuse. if i were you, i would not continue the relationship without some drop-dead serious counseling.


motown has said it quite well, as does the post directly below hers. Except I would simply end the relationship. YOU don't need counseling, UNLESS you decide to stay in the relationship.

NORMAL men do not abuse women when drunk, nor do they fail to remember something as horrid as that.

My recommendation, and it is purely mine..end the relationship and move on. There IS something in your boyfriends makeup/background that needs to be addressed professionally.

Do you think you can survive a 'next time'? Could your son, survive an assault?
 MsMuscleChick
Joined: 5/31/2011
Msg: 14
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/28/2011 4:01:06 AM
He will end up doing it again. This is not some random thing. Believe me. Get your son and get out. Motown is right....alcohol lowers inhibitions. But this guy has some internal issues you do not know about....

Good for him being beside himself. He should be. He also needs help and it is not something YOU can do nor try to. People who act this way have some major issues. It can easily turn into more. He may come home drunk and hurt you again then your son.

Leave the guy. There are plenty of them out there who do not abuse women. Your son does not need to see this behavior either.

If you do stay with this guy, I would not have a profile on here. I can imagine him seeing you with all those photos posted. He may do more than hit you. There are some psycho people out there.
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 15
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/28/2011 4:44:25 AM
I've had this happen once in my last marriage.
I packed up and left.
I saw a violent, ugly person that scared the hell out of me.

He stopped drinking and we went for counseling.
It never happened again.

However, you will never forget.

I had to then watch him deal with his drinking issue.
And was continuously reminded that he HAD to quit drinking because he hit me.
 saynotomustard
Joined: 8/25/2011
Msg: 16
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/28/2011 5:26:14 AM
When I get drunk, I get FRIENDLIER. RUN, GIRL, RUN! Any man who hits you, drunk or not, is not really a man, and doesn't deserve your attention. Words are cheap. Actions are much more important!
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 17
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/28/2011 6:09:03 AM
Dump him or if you're into second chances, tell him to stop drinking and see if the problem goes away. I'd be inclined to doubt the problem will go away. Drinking only allows people to give themselves an excuse to do something they would do anyway.
 Lint Spotter
Joined: 8/27/2009
Msg: 18
view profile
History
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/28/2011 6:13:48 AM
The first time a man hits you, it's his fault. The second time, it's your fault.

I don't care the reason or circumstances surrounding the event, if a man ever hit me, it would be the last time he had the opportunity to hit me. I don't get these women that stick around to be punching bags for years on end...

A bruise is not a sign of love.
 Soupaman1986
Joined: 7/25/2011
Msg: 19
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/28/2011 6:19:33 AM

When I get drunk, I get FRIENDLIER. RUN, GIRL, RUN! Any man who hits you, drunk or not, is not really a man, and doesn't deserve your attention. Words are cheap. Actions are much more important!


I haven't been drunk in time, in fact I no longer drink.

I was going to raise this issue earlier, but I thought someone'd retaliate with "drugs effect people differently", whilst rightly so, back in the day when I did drink, I too, only recall becoming friendlier.

I feel that people use alcohol as an excuse for poor lack of self control.
 buckeye1332
Joined: 5/19/2011
Msg: 20
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/28/2011 6:21:14 AM
Sometimes alcohol brings out the worst in people, and sometimes it brings out something in that person normally locked away.

My personal opinion is to end it. Just because he was drunk does not justify what he did. No man should ever hit a woman. If he did it once, there is potential for him to do it again.

I am very biased on this because I absolutely hate to see or hear about a man hitting or abusing a woman in any way.
 vanaheim
Joined: 6/6/2009
Msg: 21
view profile
History
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/28/2011 6:45:22 AM
Drunken stumbling into you with the potential for injury is irresponsible adult behaviour, but striking out at you no matter how intoxicated is malicious towards you, it had to be there without the drink, just kept hidden.

The question you have to ask yourself is whether you're willing to risk letting the relationship develop to the point where he is living with you and isn't so easy to get rid of, and then starts being malicious to you all the time. What then?

Once is enough as far as a fully grown adult male striking out at his girlfriend. There is no excuse, there is no recourse. It paints in bold strokes what is to come and that is how you have to think, as a mother and a lady.

What you want is someone with his better qualities, who doesn't want to hurt you. Maybe his mother was mean to him, who cares what the excuse is. What if he's really tired and lost his job and took some antidepressants, will he stab you? It's like that.

One other thing, it's not at all unusual to take a couple of years before you really get to know someone. Thinking you know them just from having sex for a long time isn't very realistic. When you don't live with someone you can reinvent yourself daily, you are whoever you say you are. When you live with people it's different, it's like being intoxicated all the time. You can't prepare your act.
What you saw was a moment when the act was dropped.
 viper1j
Joined: 11/30/2005
Msg: 22
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/28/2011 6:53:25 AM
When I was having problems with my ex, someone said to me: "If your daughter came to you, and told that she was being treated EXACTLY they way you're being treated, what would you say to her?"

I said: "I'd tell her to get the hell out, and call a lawyer for me, since I would have buried the little ratfvcker in the backyard.."

They said: "If the advice to go is good enough for your kid, why isn't it good enough for you?"

It opened my eyes, and they've stayed open since.


The cemetery is full of forgiving partners, so are prisons full of women who had enough.


Funny you should say that... I used to have a poster behind my desk, It was a picture of a coffin with roses on top. The caption read: "He hit her lots of times, but he only brought her flowers once."
 x_file_
Joined: 9/30/2009
Msg: 23
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/28/2011 7:10:05 AM

I dont know what to do


Well, it is obvious... you go back to him and apologize for provoking him and thank him for not breaking your ribs.

L
E
A
V
E
!

Isn't it damn obvious?
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 24
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/28/2011 7:13:01 AM
If someone is not a violent person, then adding alcohol should not incite violence, unless they are allergic to alcohol...you say he drinks socially with no issues so he is not allergic to drinking. This leaves no alcoholic excuse for his behaviour.

No amount of alocohol would make me kick anyone in the ribs. None.

OP, if your son told you his g/f got drunk and kicked him down, would you advise he give her another chance? Next time it may be a knife or something else that could end your life. His "im sorry' wont e worth much when you're on a gurney with your guts ripped out and you are dead. Think of your son and the example you set by allowing violence into your door.

I dont know how anyone can be loving towards a man who struck them...after I was hit, all I could see was his ugly/mean face every time he approached me...the trust was blown and I could never let him touch me after he struck me. It was over the second his fist touched my body. I reported him as well so did my neighbours and never looked back. Assault is assault. Now if he hits another woman, the authorities will see his pattern of behaviours and his weak excuses wont work. He is the common denominator.
 kabeauty
Joined: 8/24/2011
Msg: 25
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/28/2011 7:13:51 AM
Personally I would say run whilst you can! I know of a case of a friend of an acquaintance who went through the same thing after being with her partner for a few year. One day he just had a drink and hit her . He was apologetic and yes besides himself for his behaviour. And as you said it had never happened before.
she was however soo blinded by love to take note of her friends and family warning her to dump the guy . She made excuses for him. As we speak she is six foot under one day about 4yrs ago now, he got into one of those apparent very rare drunken tempers and knocked her dead! She left three kids behind two of which were from previous relationship. Its was extremely sad.

Your should prioritise the safety of your child and yourself first!

Am not saying this is what is going to happen to you, but this lady did not think her partner had the potential or capability to take her life away. He is now serving life in prison.. But then again life does not mean life in the UK,, so 15yrs. If he does not get parole for good behaviour.!!
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Physically abused for the first time