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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > 'No offense, but you come off a little desperate'      Home login  
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 littlepurpledress
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 1
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'No offense, but you come off a little desperate'Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Not having very much luck with dating, and my latest date told me the above after our second dinner date. I am at a loss. I don't whip out Modern Bride or Parenting magazines on dates, I don't take them to meet my mother after the dessert course and I don't send them In a relationship FB requests after a first date. Yet I've been striking out and this man's comment has me wondering if it truly is me, and if so, what can I do?

We met on another dating site. He's a year older than I am, in a similar field. We had a nice first meet that segued into dinner. He invited me for a weekday dinner, which I did find a bit odd. I always feel that at least initially, dates should happen on weekends and weekday dates are not really "prime time." But I figured what the hell, and I went with him to a nice place last night. We had a nice conversation but I could tell we were not connecting the way we had been on the first meet/date. We walked around the city a bit and talked, and that was nice, but when he took me home and gave me a hug, I knew that was that. He then sent me a message through the site's messaging feature saying I was a great lady with a lot to offer but he didn't feel the chemistry. And then said "Don't take this the wrong way, and no offense, but you come off a little desperate. You're a smart woman and maybe I'm wrong, but you just seem to be looking around aimlessly for a guy, any guy."

I really don't know what that means, though admittedly I am not thrilled that the two men I had strong feelings for in my life dumped me and immediately married the next woman they were with. But I don't mention them or talk about them to anyone but my girl friends. When asked about my relationship past, I just say I'd had serious relationships that didn't work out. No guy I've only dated a few times has asked me if I want kids and I don't volunteer that information. I know not all "desperate women" act the same, but I'm at a loss as to what it is in my behavior that is turning men off. Would it be a good idea for me to contact this guy and ask him to elaborate? I'd rather not, because he made it clear he is not interested in a relationship and I don't want him to think I can't take no for an answer, but I really am lost here and not sure how to proceed.
 BigSpoon80
Joined: 7/1/2011
Msg: 2
'No offense, but you come off a little desperate'
Posted: 8/31/2011 12:06:58 PM
I don't see where contacting him and simply asking him to elaborate would cause any issues. But, you can't take his read of you like every guy is going to think the same things. People bring trash from previous relationships into new ones all the time. Maybe he seen something that reminded him of a desperate ex that put up a red flag in his brain.

Or you could move on and continue being yourself and hope for better results with the next guy.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 3
'No offense, but you come off a little desperate'
Posted: 8/31/2011 12:07:02 PM

Would it be a good idea for me to contact this guy and ask him to elaborate? I'd rather not, because he made it clear he is not interested in a relationship and I don't want him to think I can't take no for an answer, but I really am lost here and not sure how to proceed.

NO. Do not contact him unless you really do want to appear desperate. If he really did think you were desperate, the best way to make him think he was mistaken is to forget about him unless he calls again. If you can't do this after only 2 dates and message that told you he wasn't interested, you might consider the possibility that you really are desperate and you advertise it like a neon sign. You ought to be able to forget about this person with what little investment you have in him, even though it might be disappointing.

As a general rule, if you're not connecting with someone, don't go out with that person again.
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 4
'No offense, but you come off a little desperate'
Posted: 8/31/2011 12:09:58 PM
I'm at a loss as to what it is in my behavior that is turning men off. Would it be a good idea for me to contact this guy and ask him to elaborate? I'd rather not

Just where are you meeting these people? From work?

Without more info and a pic we really can't speculate much, other than: Why "Not single-not looking??"
Use your "education" and what you've already posted to figure it out..

Is that YOU again, pattyd?
 littlepurpledress
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 5
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'No offense, but you come off a little desperate'
Posted: 8/31/2011 12:31:49 PM
Tall-IQ, I'm fine with giving as much information as you need, but I know that brevity is the soul of wit on these forums. Also, why would you need a picture of me to advise me in this situation? My profile is the way it is because I made a conscious choice to use POF only for its forums feature. I am active on other dating sites and I have seen several POFers on the various sites I am on, so I do know there is overlap and I'd rather not a potential suitor be able to match my face to my POF persona and read the thread about me going emo over an ex who dumped me for another woman and has a child with her.

Abelian, you are probably right on, but you know what they say about someone having bad experiences being the only common denominator in those experiences. It has been going on two years since I had a serious relationship and not only have my efforts not borne fruit, they've been downright abysmal. But I think you are right in that contacting this man would do more harm than good.

BigSpoon, you could be right about this being how he perceived me due to his own baggage, in which case, it's no real loss on either side, I guess. But I think Abelian is correct in that I'd be foolish to contact this man again. I was just wondering.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 6
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'No offense, but you come off a little desperate'
Posted: 8/31/2011 1:22:54 PM
I can suggest some things.

The guy who said "You're a smart woman and maybe I'm wrong, but you just seem to be looking around aimlessly for a guy, any guy." probably hit the target explanation square.

YOU know, if you look at yourself and what you are doing with other people, whether you are dealing with them directly based on whether or not you enjoy their company, and what you are doing together, or if you are instead, thinking all the time of elsewhere and other things. If you look into your own head, you can tell whether you are thinking of the guy you are with, or thinking about being with, as THIS PERSON, or as A GUY.

All you have to do, is calm down, and look inside yourself.

If, as I suspect you will, you realize that you HAVE been thinking about each guy as a GENERAL EXAMPLE OF A MAN, instead of thinking of him as just himself, then the way out of that sort of thinking, is to work directly on all the basics of moment-to-moment human interaction.
Such as:

--when a prospect talks, LISTEN to the exact words he says. Don't try to "translate" everything into your own language, or out of "guy-speak" into "gal speak."

-- when he wants to do something together, if you find you are deciding based on WHERE THAT MIGHT LEAD, then STOP, and decide instead, based on whether you actually want to DO that, with that particular guy.

Stay in the here and now at all times.
 forumfishie
Joined: 9/17/2009
Msg: 7
'No offense, but you come off a little desperate'
Posted: 8/31/2011 1:37:07 PM
It's always a bad idea to contact a person
you dated a couple of times to get feed back

Do NOT contact him again
as a matter of fact if he ever calls you again
don't call back

He is already decided YOU are desperate
so, you would not want to date him anyway

You don't want to call him for "advise" either
He is already uncomfortable enough
he had to say what he said to you
then you call him back for details?
Do you really want to hear
How exactly he could tell you are a little desperate
YOU don't think he would like to elaborate on that, do you?


You have been striking out lately?
We all go throught that
You are a well educated woman
some men find that threatening
now, you have a few extra pounds too
why not exercise a little?
that would make you feel better
maybe get a trainer, take a break from dating
for a few months


The fact that this guy said what he said
it's just his opinion
that doesn't mean everybody is picking that
from you

Take a break
lose some weight
and then start dating again
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 8
'No offense, but you come off a little desperate'
Posted: 8/31/2011 3:53:01 PM
No need to contact him.
and his comment should seen as irrelevant.
as you are not dating desperate in my opinion.

Cus when a woman just seems to be looking around aimlessly for a guy, any guy.....
well duh.....that is normal dating!

You don't know who or what type you are seeking.
So you are broad minded in your search and that is good.

I am thinking you are two different with different views on dating.
Obviously no chemistry.
But maybe he is looking for a certain "type"
whereas you are not.

It is never wise to get "dating" opinions from someone not attracted to you.
They will always be harsh cus not being attracted you...
you will seem never to measure up no matter what you do.

If concerned, you would do better to seek the opinions of Friends.
Just more useful.

Our opinions are just blind guesses.
We don't know you.

good luck.
 kmxplore51
Joined: 7/6/2008
Msg: 9
'No offense, but you come off a little desperate'
Posted: 8/31/2011 3:57:15 PM
OP: I am sorry that someone with whom you only went out twice would send you an unsolicited comment which at best is quite insensitive and at worst can be seen as downright insulting. Was there some dramatic, unpleasant incident during the second date that would make him detest you? We do not have the details of what happened during the date. It seems that this most recent incident, combined with a couple of past negative dating experiences, is making you question your desirability by men. Ouch!

My mind wanders as to what is considered desperate? One can only do mental gymnastics to decipher when someone applies such strong smelling adjective. In a dating scenario, desperate could be someone who is “too willing” to go out on a date, “too accommodating” as to where to go, “too accepting” as to what to do on a date etc. In other words: no comments, no questions, no feedback to change anything about the date. Desperate could also mean that the person is not willing to end the date (i.e. passively prolonging the date), and maybe being fairly passive during conversations by not really questioning anything. It would be puzzling for me to see someone like you in that way: younger, highly educated, big city woman that you are! I am simply sharing these thoughts which you may elect to use as a flashlight to shine at your own behavioral patterns to understand yourself.

You made a statement about two men that you had strong feelings for went on to marry someone else immediately afterwards. This statement would carry weight for me if I knew these were significant longer term relationships. If such were the cases, I can understand why you would so sensitive to negative response from your subsequent dates. I surely extend wishes to you for better dating scenarios in the future!
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 10
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'No offense, but you come off a little desperate'
Posted: 8/31/2011 4:39:19 PM
I have no idea what he meant either OP, since none of us where there. But, do know, that not only are your words "indicators", but, so are your actions(or non-actions). Personally, I wouldn't worry about it(you did say there was no connection) unless you are being told this more than once or twice by different people(not just men).
Oh,just you asking if you should phone him up to try and figure out what he meant by his words,well, THAT is an "indicator". Just a heads up for next time.
 karma1160
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 11
'No offense, but you come off a little desperate'
Posted: 8/31/2011 5:31:56 PM
Are you a people pleaser are you agreeing with everything someone says?
The two things I don't understand is why you say that you don't want people to match you with your pof persona? You have something to say, don't you want to be heard?
As far as I am concerned it is not important why? I know that some people like blue and some people like purple, and that is why?
Do not take it personal.
As far as them saying to you that you come off desparate, they might be feeling bad because they do not want to hurt you, and feel pressure to come up with a reason.
I somehow bring up the conversation of the virtues of being up front with likes and dislikes, I do not want a person to stumble over telling me why, I don't need a reason, I know who I am and who I am not, a simple we are not a good match is good.

the other thing is this: I am a very enthusiastic person at times whether it is about a subject that I feel passion about or a place with great atmosphere I can be joyful., some people take that the wrong way, I try to subdue my enthusiasm sometimes because some people are more reserved, but in the end I will eventually end up being enthusiastic because that is who I am.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 12
'No offense, but you come off a little desperate'
Posted: 8/31/2011 5:39:28 PM

'No offense, but you come off a little desperate'

Wasn't too long ago that I had to make myself NOT say these words to someone. He was a nice guy, handsome, interesting, semi-funny ~ but dear me, he was the most desperate man I've EVER encountered. There was just something so off that I wasn't sure if they might be bunnies boiling on my stove after work. I finally did get a tad miffed with him, and that caused a barrage of texts/emails wanting to know "why" I wasn't interested. Well, geez, I wasn't interested because he was about as needy/desperate as one could be. I did feel badly, but seriously? There is nothing less attractive than someone who can't just relax and at least meet before the talk of "forever" ensues. I'm sure everyone does it differently, but I'm not inclined to feel warm/fuzzy when someone is over-doing the pursuit. JMO
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 13
'No offense, but you come off a little desperate'
Posted: 8/31/2011 7:18:35 PM
I could tell we were not connecting the way we had been

I’m not sure what connecting means to you, but to me it's about being present and responsive, in synch with each other. If you were still attentive and available like before and he was already pulling away, he may have perceived the imbalance as neediness on your part.

You’re still making contact, he’s not. He’s pulling away, but covertly, feels uncomfortable about it and blames you, the scapegoat.

i.e. “You come across as emotionally available. I've already moved on without telling you or myself. Now I don't feel good about something here but I don't know what it is. So you're probably doing it wrong. And since I don't feel good not wanting you when you still want me, I'll say you don't really want me.”

Just a guess.
 antics23
Joined: 11/2/2010
Msg: 14
'No offense, but you come off a little desperate'
Posted: 8/31/2011 8:19:19 PM
verygreeneyez, thank you, for saying this and I read these posts, and I feel that I may be desperate as well!! That is why I have made a decision to hide my profile, and take a 'time out" My kid has just going off to college, and I am in that empty nest lonely thing. I want a hug and affection like you can't believe!! I want to meet someone really badly! But, I want to take time out and figure out this life of mine!! I don't feel like I am in a good frame of mind!! Okay, okay, I want to find someone, and I have been wanting to find someone. God, I am almost 52 years old. in January of next year. Yes, I will admit, that I can't be one of those people that want to be alone. I think that I will be that, I will want to be alone. I cant do that!!!!!! But, right now I need to take that time out, and get that hug from, a friend. Just for the time being. I am doing this at the risk of loneliness, but, I don't think that I am very attractive being desperate! Thank you
 antics23
Joined: 11/2/2010
Msg: 15
'No offense, but you come off a little desperate'
Posted: 8/31/2011 9:25:23 PM
Okay, okay, I am not going to hide my profile after all. This empty nest thing might just be an excuse! Who knows!! No, I will not hide out, I just have to take the loneliness thing and deal with the fact that I do come off as too serious and alittle desperate. Its time to face facts and be more confident of who I am. I do have a good friend guy that I talk to and vent to. I am going to work on being in the moment of the meet and greet and not be so desperate!
 sexymind85
Joined: 8/10/2011
Msg: 16
'No offense, but you come off a little desperate'
Posted: 8/31/2011 9:32:48 PM
If you're interested in de-desperatizing yourself, take a little control. His middle-of-the-week date offer seemed odd to you, yet you agreed to it anyway. If it doesn't feel right, you have every right to suggest another day. You also said something about how you could tell you weren't connecting, yet you went on a walk around the city with him after dinner. Call it like you see it. "Honey, dinner was wonderful but I'm ready to go home now." If a guy wants to set a time to get together that's not convenient for me, I tell him so. Even if I'm busy painting my toenails. Being slightly less-available makes a guy realize you're ok with not seeing him at that exact moment, which in turn makes you come off as confident-not desperate. Just my impression of the whole situation. Good luck!
 vanaheim
Joined: 6/6/2009
Msg: 17
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'No offense, but you come off a little desperate'
Posted: 9/1/2011 4:41:10 AM
I was going to try to say basically what Igor said. That's what I was thinking too.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 18
'No offense, but you come off a little desperate'
Posted: 9/1/2011 6:29:09 AM

No, I will not hide out, I just have to take the loneliness thing and deal with the fact that I do come off as too serious and alittle desperate.

Get to where you are happy being alone before you try to include someone else in your life. Otherwise, you'll be trying to find someone to make you happy instead of being happy.

Even if I'm busy painting my toenails. Being slightly less-available makes a guy realize you're ok with not seeing him at that exact moment, which in turn makes you come off as confident-not desperate.

I assume a woman's interest is proportional to how available she makes herself. If took second place to painting your toenails, that would be the last call you you ever got from me. I would consider myself desperate for wanting to date someone who placed me below toenail painting on her list of priorities.
 maryjay51
Joined: 8/21/2011
Msg: 19
'No offense, but you come off a little desperate'
Posted: 9/1/2011 7:00:42 AM
antics hope the empty nest thing is getting better for you.. my daughter ran off to college a while back but i never went through the empty nest syndrome like my friends did. my life is way too dang busy for that.. between all the volunteer work i do, political work and my business ... im really glad she is on her own now!!!!
 maryjay51
Joined: 8/21/2011
Msg: 20
'No offense, but you come off a little desperate'
Posted: 9/1/2011 7:04:56 AM
i go on dates in the middle of the week all of the time. i don't see anything odd with it. i even go on dates during the day. are you trying to live a dreamed up version of what a perfect romance should be? and besides that if he said he isn't interested in a relationship and you are ,then why did you bother going out with him? i get along with men all the time but it doesn't mean we are going to go in to a whirlwind romance. i am not looking for a relationship so if someone on here contacts me and they have it in their profile they are looking for a relationship, then i bring that issue to their attention.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 21
'No offense, but you come off a little desperate'
Posted: 9/1/2011 8:02:33 AM
Okay, okay, I am not going to hide my profile after all. This empty nest thing might just be an excuse! Who knows!! No, I will not hide out, I just have to take the loneliness thing and deal with the fact that I do come off as too serious and alittle desperate. Its time to face facts and be more confident of who I am. I do have a good friend guy that I talk to and vent to. I am going to work on being in the moment of the meet and greet and not be so desperate!

Well, it's virtual, but here ya go: I think we all have periods where we feel sort of lost in the abyss. Especially times when we realize we ARE alone (kids off to college, divorce, loss of a relationship, etc.) The key for me? Just get busy doing things. I've done some silly stuff like trap shooting (I suck!!!) and took fly-fishing lessons when I was feeling desperate for something. Oddly, what I figured out? I wasn't really desperate for "someone" ~ I was missing parts of me. Once that was addressed, the meeting people part came easy and there were no desperate mistakes to correct after-the-fact. I think you'll do just fine, you're addressing whats going on and going with it. I'm sure there are those that really don't want/need someone, but I'd guess the vast majority of us would rather have someone "special" that to have no one at all. When you start feeling that tug of "I'm so alone." just get out and do something, even talking on the phone to someone you are close to will help. My poor Auntie gets more than her share of my "Augh!! This is silly at my age, but I feel ....." calls. Best of luck to you.
 sexymind85
Joined: 8/10/2011
Msg: 22
'No offense, but you come off a little desperate'
Posted: 9/1/2011 11:50:01 AM
Well abelian, it's a good thing you're not trying to date me then, because I don't rearrange my schedule to 'make myself available' for men unless I feel like it. I'm still going to go about the activities in my life that I want to get done, and if a man wants to make plans with me, fine. But if I'm busy, I'm not going to leave 3 of my toenails unpainted to run out and meet him!

Also, I think it's funny how our poor OP got completely lost in this thread. It seems her question has completely disappeared and everyone's more worried about commenting on each-other's comments. Shows that people are possibly here to vent, rather than offer feedback to OPs.
 magicallaroundme
Joined: 3/9/2011
Msg: 23
'No offense, but you come off a little desperate'
Posted: 9/1/2011 1:23:47 PM
There is another possibility that nobody seems ready to consider -- maybe you ARE desperate. You are in the right demographic for baby rabies. Artificially trying to not look desperate is still desperate. Pretending to not be desperate works for a girl who is 25 but looks seriously messed up for a girl of 35. By then, the guys have had contact with lots of girls who need to get knocked up before it is too late. Doesn't fly anymore.

On the other hand, it proves you attract fairly intelligent and successful guys. They have to be because there are dopes who would ignore a bad case of baby rabies and screw themselves.
 Jdogs22
Joined: 8/27/2011
Msg: 24
'No offense, but you come off a little desperate'
Posted: 9/1/2011 8:13:48 PM
Ask him to elaborate on it but be prepared for it be hurtful and negative.

You also have to keep in mind what person views as desperate another might view as interested. People are different and so is their way of interpting peoples behaivor. What one sees as a negative another could see a positive.

That said this guy could just be an a-hole and saying that to get out of dating you. With out having legit reasons to say it.

The only way you're going to know is if he tells you. If he gives you some clear cut things that can be taken as desperate then I recommend you find some other things to do. Try and get more active with your friends so you're not lonely (if you are) and so you have some companionship. Maybe look for a pet (one you can manage to take care of).

Even if he does give you legit reason answers just brush it off your shoulder.
 JadieJane
Joined: 3/13/2011
Msg: 25
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'No offense, but you come off a little desperate'
Posted: 9/1/2011 8:38:51 PM
Wow I am pretty new to all of this and keep learning more everyday. Thank you OP for asking this because the responses lit up so much for me. I must seem like i am really desperate in so many ways. I was just trying to figure things out and I think in my case not knowing what is acceptable these days came off as desperate. Igor your comments cleared up so much for me. There is such a difference between showing up knowing for a meet and showing up trying to figure it out. Op I hope you got some ideas what might be going on with you.
Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > 'No offense, but you come off a little desperate'