Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Showing Interest      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 cheshire113
Joined: 9/19/2010
Msg: 1
view profile
History
Showing InterestPage 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I'm 57 and i just started dating again after 14 years of marriage. And I keep running into the same thing.

I go meet someone, I think I'm not sure how I feel but would like to see them again. So we decide to go out for a second date. On the second date I have a good time but am not ready to be affectionate but wouldn't mind a third date.

Welllllllllllllllllllllllllllll, I never get a chance for the third date because they say I did not act interested enough???
And I can't say if I'm interested or not,,,,,I still need more time !!!!
 ForumQueen
Joined: 8/28/2011
Msg: 2
Showing Interest
Posted: 8/31/2011 6:29:01 PM
I typically am the exact same way. I'd say, just tell them that. Some will agree to spending a little more time together so that you can get more comfortable.
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 3
Showing Interest
Posted: 8/31/2011 6:29:14 PM

I never get a chance for the third date because they say I did not act interested enough???

Well... - - - Just how much time do you need to focus on the person you are with and touch their arm, see if they respond by touching yours while looking into your eyes and maybe holding hands, many other ways to sense if you BOTH are interested?

Do we need to post a refresher course in body language and sensitivity training for some of the new Forumites? Anyone qualified to teach that besides the usual suspects?
 forumfishie
Joined: 9/17/2009
Msg: 4
Showing Interest
Posted: 8/31/2011 6:29:36 PM
Well Good!

Then you know what they were after
They are doing you a favor
If a guy can't wait for 3 dates to stick his tongue in your mouth
then that guy is way too horny to be out there dating

What are you going to do?

Start smoching on the first date just so they don't go away??
If you do, then they'll want sex by the third
are you going to be game for that too??

 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 5
view profile
History
Showing Interest
Posted: 8/31/2011 6:42:22 PM
I suggest that it's THEM who aren't interested enough, and like so many dweeby people do, they want to put the blame on YOU for their choices.

Just keep moving, and stay doing what YOU are comfortable doing, that represents who YOU really are.
 ravenhair4u
Joined: 8/13/2011
Msg: 6
Showing Interest
Posted: 8/31/2011 6:42:37 PM
I would need more time too! Any guy that wanted me to get affectionate w/him by the 2nd date, would give me the impression that he only there to get laid! If he's really interested in you, he would take the time to get to know you, & take things at a slower pace. Sounds like the ones you have been out w/ are interested in having sex w/a stranger. I wouldn't waste my time on someone like that, it's insulting & a big turnoff, you don't even know each other. I know a guy who would dump a girl if they didn't have sex by the 3rd date. He ended up dating promiscious women, & none of them turned into the "relationship" he claimed he wanted to have with them. After he had fast easy sex w/them he moved on to his next victim. You are not the kind of girl they are looking for, which is ok. Keep on fishing, you'll find a respectful guy.
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 7
Showing Interest
Posted: 8/31/2011 6:51:32 PM
Most experienced daters know by the end of the first date whether or not they're attracted to someone enough to visualize themselves being intimate with them at some point. Since you're new at dating, I'm going to venture that you've simply not yet met a man who turns you on, and you need to be more patient and keep looking.

If you feel zero affection for a guy by the end of the second date, to the point that you don't want him to kiss you, you're simply not attracted to him enough to pursue things further. Many men can sense this, and if they think there's too little chemistry, they're not going to waste any more of your time or theirs by asking you out for a third date.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 8
Showing Interest
Posted: 8/31/2011 6:54:53 PM
~OP~ It'll happen when you aren't expecting it. Just be happy you aren't plagued with the infamous "one n done" ~ I seem to have a lot of those. At least you make it past that point. Good luck to ya!!
 Archangel_07
Joined: 6/21/2010
Msg: 9
Showing Interest
Posted: 8/31/2011 7:09:37 PM
Halcyon Skies nailed it on the head. Most people should know by the end of the second date to take things further of being affectionate not sex if not, you're goose is done. Happy Fishing
 Bobby135
Joined: 7/15/2011
Msg: 10
Showing Interest
Posted: 8/31/2011 7:12:01 PM
Don't really know what you are doing wrong. Could be the guys you are meeting. From your profile you look and sound like you would be fun to go out with. I'm fairly new to this dating thing also. Just started on the 6th of July. I've had a few dates and almost all gave me a hug and a peck of a kiss at the end of the first date. Even one that made it clear through messages, emails, phone and when we first met that she doesn't kiss on the first meeting, gave me a kiss when we parted. A couple a little more and only one that didn't even say thanks for a steak dinner. A second date and I usually got a good hug and a better longer kiss. I've only dated one more than 2 times and I didn't get a decent kiss from her until about our 6th date.
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 11
Showing Interest
Posted: 8/31/2011 7:24:33 PM
If you don't feel it on a second date,
why would you want a third date?

thinking about it that way....
Why would a guy take you out 3 more times
just to possibly get the same ambivalence?

Don't date if you don't feel potential.
If you do, then best express it some way.
Cus given the choice of swimming in warm water or cold...
us guy fish will always avoid the cold and seek out the more pleasant and warmer.

good luck.
 libralaughing
Joined: 7/30/2011
Msg: 12
Showing Interest
Posted: 8/31/2011 7:30:12 PM
You know what? Just go by your own instincts. If it takes you a third (or a fourth, fifth, etc.) date to get to know someone better and get more of a sense of how you feel about him, then do it. If it's someone who has an interest he'll understand. 'Chemistry' is an odd thing: sometimes it's immediate (maybe that's really called lust) and sometimes it's a slow build.
 Spider_Woman
Joined: 7/18/2011
Msg: 13
Showing Interest
Posted: 8/31/2011 7:38:58 PM
Beat him to the punch next time: tell him something a lot like what you just told us: I have a good time with you, am not ready to get physically affectionate yet, doesn't mean I don't like you, I just take awhile sometimes.

It doesn't have to always be instant fireworks, or fizzle.

I'd've hoped some men in our age bracket would have been a little more patient / understanding.

Wonder also if there's something got you stuck in thinking mode, unable to move into feeling mode. NOT that there's ANYthing WRONG with thinking, or taking it slow if you fricking want to.
 jt guy
Joined: 12/24/2008
Msg: 14
Showing Interest
Posted: 8/31/2011 8:19:43 PM
Haycyon Skies nailed it with her response. I don't understand all the posters saying it's the man not being understanding enough, etc. Like Ms Skies says.."men can sense" when a women is not into them. I can and I never even ask for a second date. Why waste our time.

Lets put the shoe on the other foot. If the woman is the least bit interested in the guy and he mis-read her, why can't she send him an email saying such.
 unclezeus
Joined: 5/12/2011
Msg: 15
Showing Interest
Posted: 8/31/2011 10:18:20 PM

I go meet someone, I think I'm not sure how I feel but would like to see them again.


You're not paying attention. You should know in the first 10 to 20 minutes of meeting him in person, if you ever want to see him naked, if there is any chemistry there.


So we decide to go out for a second date. On the second date I have a good time but am not ready to be affectionate but wouldn't mind a third date.


Comeon... you're seasoned at this, you don't need 3 meetings to find out if you ever want to see the guy naked in your bed.
Two meetings is enough.
No interest, then no go.


Welllllllllllllllllllllllllllll, I never get a chance for the third date because they say I did not act interested enough???


Third "Meeting".
"Dates" are sexual.
You've both had 2 "Meetings" and who knows how many phone calls and emials...you should know. He certainly does.


And I can't say if I'm interested or not,,,,,I still need more time !!!!


No you don't need more time, and yes you can can say if you're interested or not.
 The_Standard_Model
Joined: 7/14/2007
Msg: 16
view profile
History
Showing Interest
Posted: 8/31/2011 11:18:25 PM
Well OP it is entirely possible that you are not ready to jump into the dating pool yet.
What do you mean by affectionate? Do you mean hand holding and perhaps a few light kisses? Well that is really minor stuff. most people are not interested in simply waiting around to be your buddy. If you don't feel it then that is cool. if you are not readyu then that is cool. But really if a guy has not even progressed to holding your hand and feeling like you are interested in him by the end of the third date then the signal that you are sending is 'this is a platonic relationship'. it does NOT mean that they are just trying to get laid.
Look you said the magic words in your original post.

On the second date I have a good time but am not ready to be affectionate but wouldn't mind a third date.

It is pretty reasonable to expect that you have some idea if you are even a little interested by the end of the second date. No one wants their time wasted. BOTH parties need to feel like this is going somewhere. Frankly, what is to say that you would have decided by the third date? You have yet to have one. So then would you then need a fourth date? A fifth?
The truth is that it does not take that much to figure out if you have some level of romantic interest or not. if you can't figure it out by two outtings and a few phone calls then you are probably not ready to get back to dating yet.
 Mr. Cuddlefish
Joined: 5/17/2007
Msg: 17
Showing Interest
Posted: 9/1/2011 4:55:00 AM
I agree with the poster above.

Also, are you waiting for these people to ask you out again? If you don't appear to be showing a guy any interest, even if you are not sure but would still like to go out again, then a guy will take it as you not interested in them. Why would they want to go on another date with you? Perhaps if you be upfront with them and tell them that you would like to continue, it might be enough for them to keep going too. If they're attracted to you also of course.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 18
Showing Interest
Posted: 9/1/2011 5:17:27 AM
I go meet someone, I think I'm not sure how I feel but would like to see them again. So we decide to go out for a second date. On the second date I have a good time but am not ready to be affectionate but wouldn't mind a third date.

Well, if I went out with you and we didn't do some serious kissing on the first date, there wouldn't even be a second date, so the problem would seem to be a lack of attraction, not that you didn't get a third a date with someone you're really attracted to.

Welllllllllllllllllllllllllllll, I never get a chance for the third date because they say I did not act interested enough??? And I can't say if I'm interested or not,,,,,I still need more time !!!!

Then, the right person for you will be the guy that gives you more time, not the guys who expected you to show more interest. If you want a third date with guys who expect you to be interested faster, then you need to become interested faster. That's something you have to decide, since you can't make anyone behave differently.

Keep on fishing, you'll find a respectful guy.

Those guys were very respectful. They quit pestering her when they noticed a lack of interest. Most women appreciate not being pestered by guys in whom they aren't interested.

BUT, I have experienced a delayed attraction where I started to become sexually attracted to a man once I got to know him over time.

Online dating is probably not a good venue for that sort of attraction. I think people who date online do so because they are looking for someone to whom they are attracted enough to date, not get to know someone well enough to determine whether there's any attraction.
 recreator611
Joined: 1/29/2011
Msg: 19
Showing Interest
Posted: 9/1/2011 5:34:42 AM
Ive never pushed the issue either way but Ive asked the woman if they might wanna date again.....and most have ansered either yes or no....your not in high school any more...enjoy life and dont be afraid to say....one way or the other....good luck!
 Greatcatch12345
Joined: 5/2/2011
Msg: 20
Showing Interest
Posted: 9/1/2011 6:21:40 AM
arent u the same one that talked about chemistry and attraction?? Seems to me, ur just looking for some free food and drinks and some man company.
 Pingshooter
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 21
view profile
History
Showing Interest
Posted: 9/1/2011 6:55:45 AM
You need to think about what you really want.

Do you want an activity partner, someone to just take you out and spend money on you, or do you really want to date, possibly get involved with someone?

If you are unsure of what you want, and have not communicated that with your dates, how are they suppose to gauge what is taking place?

If you feign something of an interest, yet are not really interested in your date, nwhy should someone not believe that all you are looking for is someone to take you out and spend money on?
 Kitten189
Joined: 5/25/2011
Msg: 22
Showing Interest
Posted: 9/1/2011 7:00:01 AM

Seems to me, ur just looking for some free food and drinks


Huh? Oh,coz its happened to YOU all the time,lol ??
Coz i dont see how you've come to this conclusion about the Op.
She's said nothing whatsoever about $ -who's to say she's not paying her own way?

Op,you've been out of the Dating Scene for 14 years so its going to take you a while to work out how things are these days.
If you feel attracted/interested in the man,let him know.
I wish you luck coz its a jungle out there
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 23
view profile
History
Showing Interest
Posted: 9/1/2011 7:29:16 AM
Easy solution......you invite him to something you want to do to know them better. Can be a walk in the park, going to a book store, shopping for some items you might be interested in or he might.

Why does all of this have to line up as a date with dinner, movie, night club, etc.? I find the first get together just a meet and greet, the second to discuss potential, and the third maybe the one that you start to break down many of those walls that you both put up. It makes it quite hard to do, if you are having what some might call "real" dates, because either of you might be thinking about impressing the other, or going to the right place or ordering the right meal....on and on!

I prefer to have casual and take the time to know each other better, and find out if there is any chemistry there for more, or just to be friends.

cd........
 cheshire113
Joined: 9/19/2010
Msg: 24
view profile
History
Showing Interest
Posted: 9/1/2011 8:43:09 AM
Original poster here......

Thanks Kitten for standing up for me. The first get together is hardly ever dinner and the second is usually an activity together. Sooooooooooooooo not much money is spent. So they couldn't think I'm just there for them spending money on me.

I appreciate all the shares even the ones where I just shake my head.
 ComplekCity
Joined: 1/17/2011
Msg: 25
Showing Interest
Posted: 9/1/2011 9:02:26 AM
I think you should just come right out and say something like

" btw, I tend to be standoffish at first but that doesn't necessarily mean I'm not interested, just so you don't take me the wrong way "

They'll either be cool with it or not.

Some guys are more patient than others , depends how interested they are in YOU and/or how desperate they are for physical contact.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Showing Interest